Grandchildren

Hi there and thank you so much for replying.
My son's older daughter has a god relationship with us and often stayed. The younger too didn't due to the fact they'd get so distressed leaving mum.
I haven't had the best relationship ship with the two youngest children as literally as soon as the 4 year was born my eldest son was going through chemo so I had to give more support to him and his young family.
The social service are aware we live in a 3bed house with another of 9ur grown up children who is leaving January to go to university.
I have sat and spoke to my sister at length as she has a autistic son whose in his early 20s and while he's a wonderful young man who I adore will never be able to live independently.
Were both 50 and relatively well. I admire my husband because he will not allow the children to go in to care. He says we're letting them down if we do x

You must feel as if you're living a nightmare tinkestral.

As has been suggested, talk to your other children. Don't ask them too, but they offer some practical help if you take the children on. The children's SW needs to know how you really feel and what you really think about this.

Whatever you decide, there's no shame in or any reason to feel guilty if the prospect of fostering them is too much. It would be awful if you were to take them in, only to find that you couldn't cope and then have to let them go.

Just thinking about doing so shows how much you love them.

Tinkestral this is a really hard situation, and I understand your reluctance in regard to taking the children on.

I'm a preschool teacher and have dealt with over a dozen children over the last 16 years who have ODD or are on the autism spectrum. From my experience the sooner the children are diagnosed the help they receive from psychologist, speech and behavioural therapists and doctors make a world of difference.

Good luck, it does take a village but that doesn't necessarily mean you or your husband.

Oh no what a terrible situation. It is very sad. I don’t think you should take the children in, even if you managed for a while it’s not in their best interest or yours. It’s not fair on them to be placed with you then having to be rehomed at a later date. Unless of course the parents get help quickly and can turn this around 🤞
I have a work colleague that took her granddaughter in aged eight, same problems with the parents, things went from bad to worse, the girl is 14 now and pregnant, so has been taken into care. The grandparents tried very hard, she gave up her job and now feels worse than ever. So many emotions.
Such a difficult situation. Your first instinct like mine would be to wade in and help, but not the best decision in the long term. I’ll be thinking of you.

This is a horrendous situation for you and your husband (and the poor children) You don’t say anything about your relationship with the children which I find odd…. do they relate to you ? are they close to you ? How do they behave together ? Are they loving, sad, does the older one look out for the other two?
First things first your son cannot continue living on your sofa he needs to be encouraged rigorously to get help for his drinking and move out Is the stoned mother now alone with three children two of whom are possibly special needs !!! How helpful are the social workers ? Surely that can’t continue

Do you have contact with your other three children? can they not help you in any ways temporarily (even with advice) …it just sounds as if you are shouldering it all yourself
How has this has been going on 10 years without social workers being involved before, has the older child’s schools not been worried or were they ok when it was just one child has it increased with the two little ones health needs , but they could be under the effects of drugs if they were born under the effects of drugs and are around a stoned mother all day perhaps its not mental health or autism but the effects of drugs in their system

First things first get other family help on board (if possible)
Get son to AA (or doctors help) and living/ dossing elsewhere you don’t say if he’s still drinking from your sofa, if he feels remorse, or is worried about his kids ???
So many questions unanswered such a dreadful muddle

SS will not be allowed to place 3 children in a two bedroomed property

I wish you well

What a rotten situation for you. I haven’t a clue what to suggest, but if I were in your shoes I know I wouldn’t be able to cope.
As Oopsadaisy has said, a two bedroomed property isn’t big enough to house you all. Have you spoken to social services? I think that’s your first step. Sending hugs. 💐

What a sad situation tinkestral you are being put in an impossible situation. You do say that your son has alcohol problems if you could encourage him to seek help for this he could well turn into quite a different person and take some responsibility himself.
But whatever happens the children must come first be it with you or alternatively Foster care.

My heart goes out to you tinkestral and to the children. Such a sad and difficult situation. It seems important for you to have a serious conversation as soon as possible with the social worker. As others here have said well, you taking over is likely not in the best interest of you or the children in the long run.
You'll be in my thoughts as I wish you all the best.

you can't possibly do this, nor should you feel that you have to.
resist being guilt tripped into anything.
tell the social worker how you honestly feel.
i wish you all the best.

I feel sorry for the situation you are in. I think you already know that you would be unable to cope with 3 children, especially in a 2 bedroomed house, I think it would be best to have a meeting with the Social Workers and tell them.
It’s very difficult, but I know that with the best will in the world I wouldn’t be able to do it.

What an awful situation. I'm sure I would feel the same way you do, but you need to think of the future and ask yourself if you having the three children is in everyone's best interest. Who are they with now? What do your other 3 children think about it all? Can they offer any help?

Wow. That's a very tough scenario. I would suggest that you and your husband arrange an interview with the social worker to discuss the children's future, and to fast-track, if possible, diagnoses on the ones that may have Special Needs. You don't say how old you are, as you'll have 3 teenagers in a few years' time.

I am not sure it is resentment I would feel, but it is a very big ask.
Not sure I have much wisdom about this, sorry.
What are social services saying about you taking them?
My instinct, and I could be very wrong, maybe to take the 10 year old. And visit the younger two whereever they are best put. For a couple years in the first instance.
If you take all 3, I would think you will get swamped very quickly. Not good for anyone.

My two pennies for now, for what it is worth.