Grandchildren

We used to have a family in our street both on drugs and drinking etc two little kids 2-3 beautiful little girls. We as neighbors would give them food sweets drinks etc constantly phone social services to report them. One day I come home from work fire engines and police were there. While stoned they set house on fire police said needles were found in dolly pram. Two girls took into care and I know the parents had closed the on the son and his gf because of the drugs and also reported them for fear of grandkids. You giving them money you are feeding his habit. You the one that keeps saying yes to him try saying NO

You don’t have he resources, emotional, physical or financial to take this on. In your heart you know this. If you cannot meet the children’s needs you would not be helping them be taking them on. You could stay involved and loving grandparents but not full time carer.

Hi tinkestral,
It must be terrible for you right now as you have such a lot to think about in regard of your grand-children.
It is a heart breaking situation when the children are in a situation that is not their fault I know the feeling I have been through it myself and dealing with childrens services which is what they are called now instead of social services is like trying to navigate a minefield.

Just pointing out to you if the services are looking to offer you an assessment to have the children which is something that must be done then you will probably not get all three.
You say you have a 2 bedroom house but social services will tell you that the children must have their own bedroom. You do not say what genders they are as two girls could share a room or two boys could share a room but with three children and two adults and I think you have one 19 year old son at home you will be pushed for space.
Something else the social services will be concerned about is your other son (father of the children) is living at your house at the moment and although you say he has stopped drinking the social worker will not take that as fact and even before your son can see the children he may be asked to have an alcohol test just to make sure.
I am wondering if the social services have said they are looking to start proceedings to get an order if so then you know things are serious.
If you want some good factual information and also a good list of legal facts then go on The Kinship Carers Forum where you will find a lot of help in dealing with social workers.
One other thing if proceedings start then your son and his ex partner will be entitled to free legal aid. In my own case as the grand-parent I was not entitled to legal aid.

I wish you the best of luck in working out the best scenario for the grand-children it is hard work fighting the corner for them but for me to have every thing worked out in the best interests of the children is a worthwhile job as after all they are the most important ones when life breaks down for the adults.

I think the decision to be paid foster parents is the right one

I have to say, my main concern is how many doubts you have and how much this will alter your lifestyle

There are foster families who choose this life, they enjoy it and they are equipped for it, with the rights size home, everything they need and a good base of knowledge about how to handle the children's needs

This will be a struggle for you without those things in place and my concern would be that having not chosen this life for yourself, you will be unhappy and resent it.

The children will sense and respond to any unhappiness and resentment in negative ways

I think you need to get some outside support to assess whether this is happy future for you because children need happy caregivers

surely the social services person was suggesting that the couple become foster parents, in which case they will be paid for that.

I agree that foster care can be a good option. It's not an orphanage (tell OH) there are some wonderful, experienced carers . I know one such couple who have fostered 2 DC since they were babies who both have disabilities and who are now in their 20s.

You and OH will be able to see the DGC.but surely you are not best placed to have them all to live.

It doesnt mean your son is not drinking anywhere else

Taking on all the children would be too much for you. If the younger ones have mental problems, they need to be with people who know how to deal with it. At least you won't be worrying about them any more. It's a pity that the authorities didn't get involved sooner. What happened to health visitors?

tinkestral

Thank you so much for reply. My son isn't drinking at our home and doesn't seem to worse for wear not drinking .
My ex Dil will not get help I've offered it. She's been smoking since around 12 years of age with her own mother.
There was appointment for the younger of the 2 children for a assessment but ex Dil never attended or told anyone either for help to get there.
There absolutely not naughty children but their so lacking in everything skillwise. I was glad I've spent last few days with them as I can see a multitude of problems they need help with.

He might not be drinking but he's the one who's put you in this predicament. The children should come me first, not an idiot who has almost lost his children.

Thank you so much for reply. My son isn't drinking at our home and doesn't seem to worse for wear not drinking .
My ex Dil will not get help I've offered it. She's been smoking since around 12 years of age with her own mother.
There was appointment for the younger of the 2 children for a assessment but ex Dil never attended or told anyone either for help to get there.
There absolutely not naughty children but their so lacking in everything skillwise. I was glad I've spent last few days with them as I can see a multitude of problems they need help with.

Really feel for you and your Dh, heartbreaking situation and you obviously want what’s best for everyone. I can’t see how you could manage though, I’d be having long conversations with social services and I agree with gagajo I’d tell your son to find himself somewhere else to live, I hope you manage to find a way to make things work good luck

Hithere, I agree that family isn’t always the best option, It’s also questionable whether outcomes are always better for children kept in the family than those with a care history,

This OP does not want to stop working to be the main carer - it is a very valid choice

Finances are tight

A son who is an addict lives in the same house

Family is not always the best option

What a difficult place you’re in. Firstly, do the local authority plan to issue care proceedings? It can sound threatening but it’s better all round to involve the family court than have the la act on a ‘voluntary’ basis. I advise you to see a solicitor who specialises in child care. The court often instructs the la to pay the legal fees of grandparents.

The younger two don’t have a diagnosis of autistic spectrum disorder. Given the drug/alcohol use of their parents, it’s understandable that neglect is being considered as a possible explanation of their delay and avoidance of eye contact.

Are there any other family members who would consider fostering the younger two. The 10 year old could be with you. Adoption is the preferred option for 3-4 year olds if going back to parents is ruled out. You aren’t there yet.

Seek legal advice. Ask about Special Guardianship. Ensure there’s a financial and practical/emotional support package. That will make it more likely information will be shared with you. Keep your feet on the ground - best wishes

Hithere

My concern is that the children will have food and a roof over their heads but they need much more than that - unless all their needs are met, they are not safe

I think the kids should go to a foster family who has experience in dealing with special needs - op is not able to handle all now, her priorities are not correct at the moment

Far better for children to remain with family and parenting to be 'good enough ' as long as its consistent....thats the view of childrens services ....the outcomes for children in care are often very poor.... and far more so for a child with additional needs

Childrens services will always try to keep children with family if possible....the long term outcomes are usually much more positive....if placed with professional Foster carers , there's no way of knowing whether GPs will still get any contact .....it might not be deemed in the best interests of the children....and once children become CIC ( children in care) dual planning begins re long term care including adoption....so I can see very well why OPs partner doesn't want the children going outside of the family....CAMHS would not take a referral for a pre school child where i live...far too young....it would be community paeds.... the children could be placed on the ASD pathway for assessment....but it could bethat their delay and behaviours could be linked to neglect....Its certainty not unusual....I like to think I would rake my GDs on....but even with no additional needs, it would be a real commitment .... with regards to accommodation...I have known childrens services help families to queue jump housing lists to get bigger properties or pay for renovations in a mortgaged house....and 8f the children remain as CIC then the grandparents can claim a fostering allowance as the local authority remain the corporate parent....long term the grandparents would likely be awarded an SGO ,( special guardianship order) ...if they decided to keep the children and had a favourable assessment .....its a big ask OP ....I wish you well whatever you decide

My concern is that the children will have food and a roof over their heads but they need much more than that - unless all their needs are met, they are not safe

I think the kids should go to a foster family who has experience in dealing with special needs - op is not able to handle all now, her priorities are not correct at the moment

And kick their father out. He's caused the mess you're going to have to spend the next 20 years sorting out. Let him sort out his own life.

www.gransnet.com/forums/grandparenting/1324228-Grandchildren

Here you say you already struggle to pay the bills with 2 salaries

"ur children are in mid 20's to early 30's. But our 2nd eldest son has been a complete nightmare from his early 20's. He's borrowed so much money of my self and his dad his put us in to debt. "

Your son didnt put you into debt, you and your dh put you into debt by enabling your son.

I think the fact is that if you take them all on, you are doing social services a huge service. Because if you refused to have them, they would have to find other solutions which would hugely complicate things for them.

As this is the case, are you in a position to insist on lots of support?

* Funded nursery places (arranged by social services) for the two youngest, so you don't have 24 hour a day care of them.

* Social services arranged access to CAMHS (stands for Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) for the two youngest. Because whatever the social worker says, autism isn't caused by neglect and it is shocking that a trained professional childrens social worker would say that.

* Assessment by a child psychologist for the two youngest, to get a formal diagnosis of their autism and referral to special needs schools.

If there is enough support in place for you, you might be able to do it all. You're only just out of your 40s and you have a supportive husband. BUT you need to have the plan agreed with social services before the children move in. Because if not, they will drag their heels afterwards, once the children are safe with you.

Op

Is your son still drinking?
Has he even attempted to go to aa or similar organization to manage it? Rehab? Has he reached rock bottom?

I admire your willingness to take the kids but consider- are you able to given them what they need? Stability, diagnosis for the 2 youngest and support sessions for speech therapy- for example, therapy for the oldest, etc

Also, what would visits from the mom look like?

You need to contact a lawyer and discuss every little aspect of this.

Financially, would you be ok with becoming a one income home with 3 adults and 3 kids?

In your post, you sound understandably overwhelmed with too much on your plate already - those kids deserve your full attention you cannot give them right now
Would you be willing to make the hard decisions for the children even if it means saying no to your son?

Just wanted to add my sympathies for your situation.
I think there are lots of conversations that need to take place before any decisions are taken. You need to be clear about what social services are proposing or offering. You need to talk to your DH and make sure you both appreciate each others views. If he wants to keep the children he should have a clear plan about how they will be cared for and accommodated including what he will contribute. He may be totally relying on you and that isn't fair.
There is also your DS and the children's mother. If one or both of them can beat their addiction they may be able to contribute to the care of the children in the future.
I hope you are able to work out something that will suit all of you and that will enable the children to go forward.

I once knew grandparents who took on just one grandchild with autism, in the end the child went into foster care and the grandparents reverted to be grandparents who cared a great deal and saw the child regularly. I think this is a solution that your husband shouldn’t dismiss.

Well after reading your last post you can’t physically take in 3 children and their dad if your youngest child is still living at home for another 8 months at least and you only have two bedrooms
It’s an impossibility
What are the social workers expecting
At very most perhaps you could have the eldest child as you have a good relationship with her/him when your own child leaves in January but what’s to do now
If the two younger ones get very distressed at leaving their mum then coming to you is definitely not the answer

First it seems to need both parents to get separate help for their addictions, as they ve been together over ten years they must have some love for each other

What a difficult situation I don’t think the social workers can or should rely on you and your husband for all this and perhaps the youngest ones could go to a temporary Forster carer while the parents get themselves sorted out

tinkestral

Hi there and thank you so much for replying.
My son's older daughter has a god relationship with us and often stayed. The younger too didn't due to the fact they'd get so distressed leaving mum.
I haven't had the best relationship ship with the two youngest children as literally as soon as the 4 year was born my eldest son was going through chemo so I had to give more support to him and his young family.
The social service are aware we live in a 3bed house with another of 9ur grown up children who is leaving January to go to university.
I have sat and spoke to my sister at length as she has a autistic son whose in his early 20s and while he's a wonderful young man who I adore will never be able to live independently.
Were both 50 and relatively well. I admire my husband because he will not allow the children to go in to care. He says we're letting them down if we do x

Sorry meant 2 bed x