Gransnet forums


Possible infertility

(18 Posts)
Rosemarysage Thu 06-Jul-23 11:37:10

Putting this here just as a safe space - would never talk to anyone in real life as it really isn’t any of my business.
My daughter got married last year and I think has been hoping to get pregnant now for a year. I know it can take a while for a pregnancy but she’s been referred for blood tests and a scan by the GP.
I just feel very sad for her and her husband and just have a weirdly bad feeling about it all.
Now I’m obsessively looking at the infertility boards on mumsnet.
Tell me to stop please

dragonfly46 Thu 06-Jul-23 11:40:37

It is early days Rosemary. It took me 3 years to become pregnant with my first child. There are also so many things they can do these days. At least she is being taken seriously by her GP. Please try not to worry as it doesn't help anyone.

aonk Thu 06-Jul-23 11:45:05

I think your feelings and worries are very understandable and I would feel the same in your position. Investigating what might or might not be a problem takes time but will hopefully produce some sort of answer. Many years ago I had a period of over a year hoping to become pregnant. I had an undiagnosed infection and as soon as it had been treated my daughter was on her way. It’s hard but the only thing you can do is be patient. Your daughter has sought medical help so has taken the first step. Hard though it is please try to keep busy and suppress your anxiety while you support her.

Katie59 Thu 06-Jul-23 12:11:25

There are plenty of ways to solve whatever problem there is don’t focus on it let them relax and work through the problem.

Calipso Thu 06-Jul-23 12:16:51

Stop please!
There you go. flowers Your daughter has done exactly the right thing by seeking medical advice. I can tell you from experience that the whole infertility thing is a minefield and the one thing your daughter doesn't need is to sense that you are in any way sad or anxious, no matter what the outcome of the initial investigations proves to be. Just be there for her and really listen to what she tells you. My own daughter received the devastating news that she had gone through an early menopause in her mid thirties - she had no idea. And right at the start of the first lockdown so none of the usual support mechanisms in place. The very idea that she will be unable to bear her own child is a travesty and my heart breaks for her and her partner. They would be the most amazing parents. And although I have grandchildren, I carry that heavy stone of grief in my heart for that child that will never be.

Casdon Thu 06-Jul-23 12:27:00

The first thing I saw in you post was ‘I think has been hoping to get pregnant’ - do you mean that you think this but she hasn’t confided in you, and you have put two and two together in assuming why she has been referred for blood tests and a scan, or do you know that’s what’s happened?
It’s hard, but there’s nothing at all you can do about this either way, so you have to be supportive when and if she confides in you, whilst remembering that it’s her husband and herself’s issue, which they will work through in their own way -they don’t need to hear any of your grief or bad feelings about any potential outcome. Just keep your fingers crossed for them.

Chocolatelovinggran Thu 06-Jul-23 12:36:31

I agree with the other posters here Rosemary. Your daughter may be at the beginning of a long, hard road - or she may not. Be guided by her and supportive in whatever way she wants. And if your fears are realised? Next week we are having a large family gathering including the branch which lives abroad. In the middle of the chaos, smiling broadly and loving time with his cousins will be my lovely cuddly ( adopted) toddler DGS. Take heart Rosemary!

Chocolatelovinggran Thu 06-Jul-23 13:04:34

Also to add - my youngest DD had a meeting in the park recently with a bunch of girls from schooldays. Six women, ten children and babies- happy chaos : two of the children were IVF babies.

Shelflife Thu 06-Jul-23 13:58:09

Early days don't jump to conclusions. Bide your time - more than likely all will be well , one way or another!

Bea65 Thu 06-Jul-23 14:04:11

My 30 yr old daughter has PCOS and its known to affect infertility...just had scan and biopsy taken for abnormal cervix upsetting but all this was found thru a smear...don't fret ...and as an adoptee, Chocolatelovinggran what a joy for you and your family...there's always a child to love and raise!

Mamasperspective Thu 06-Jul-23 14:40:41

You need to not worry about things before they have happened.

I was told it would be unlikely I would ever have children.

I came off birth control at age 41 and fell pregnant at 42, giving birth just before my 43rd birthday. With my age and medical history I should have had an 8% chance (maximum) of having a baby and less if you take into account my medical history.

I now have a beautiful 9 month old daughter and I have just passed the 12 week point with my second pregnancy (which should have been less than a 5% chance this time!)

Stress, hectic work schedule and putting pressure on yourself can all add to factors why pregnancy might not happen straight away. It took just over a year for me.

Let the doctors check everything out (they will advise on how to boost chances or if anything is wrong) and go from there.

This is all completely normal.

Chocolatelovinggran Thu 06-Jul-23 21:24:43

How lovely Mamaperspective: I wish you a very happy pregnancy and much joy in extending your family.

Rosemarysage Fri 07-Jul-23 09:27:54

thankyou all so much for being so kind!
So sorry about your daughter Calipso that is a very tough place to be.
Yes i just need to be calm and supportive

Calipso Fri 07-Jul-23 09:37:33


thankyou all so much for being so kind!
So sorry about your daughter Calipso that is a very tough place to be.
Yes i just need to be calm and supportive

Thank you for those kind words and understanding amid your own worries. I hope there is magic just around the corner for you and your family 🤱

Mama2020 Fri 07-Jul-23 16:30:18


As someone who has dealt with infertility twice and is now expecting my second, I will say that this can be a really sensitive topic made worse by well-meaning questions/preoccupations from hopeful grandmas-to-be. You think she has been trying? Or you know she has? She's being referred to a specialist for testing on what exactly? Was this information she openly shared with you without prompting? I know a mother never stops worrying, but there is literally nothing you can do for her in this process, save for listening (if she comes to you and wants to share), or offering financial assistance for treatments (if that's something you're in the position to do).

My MIL constantly asked why I wasn't pregnant a year into marriage and constantly reminded me that she was ready for grandchildren. Then, she started to make me really uncomfortable with probing questions and suggestions of specialists to see, knowing nothing about the situation or what kind of medical interventions we were already investigating. I considered this to be in the same category as asking someone about their sex life: crass, inappropriate and out of line. Once I did get pregnant, she had a very difficult time respecting boundaries and we ended up sharing less information than we otherwise would've.

Now that I'm finally pregnant again, my husband I and are hesitant to share the news until we have no choice (when I start to show).

This is a safe place to share your feelings and worries, as long as those feelings and worries are staying here. I would just keep in mind that they have a right to privacy, probing questions only add to infertility stress, and as much as you want to help, this is not an area where you can actually do anything. Trust that your daughter is an adult and leave this to her.

Calipso Fri 07-Jul-23 17:27:29

Do you think you might have misread the tone of the OP?
RosemarySage and your MIL don't seem to have much in common

Mama2020 Fri 07-Jul-23 19:33:20


Do you think you might have misread the tone of the OP?
RosemarySage and your MIL don't seem to have much in common

I apologize if I was projecting. My point (which I didn't make very well) was that my MIL was very preoccupied with us having children, whether we were suffering from infertility, etc. She wants to fix everything for her children, even the things that aren't hers to fix. It seems Rosemary has been really thoughtful in trying not to put that on her daughter, which is commendable. I was just trying to remind that there isn't actually anything for her to do about this and that going down the rabbit hole herself may do more harm than good, cause additional unnecessary anxiety, inspire unsolicited advice, etc.

Grannmarie Fri 07-Jul-23 21:07:14

Hello, Rosemarysage. I can understand your concern, but please do not pass it on to your daughter. It is very early days, sometimes couples just need to take their time with no outside pressures.
We were absolutely over the moon when DS2 and his lovely partner told us that they were expecting, just before lockdown. They had been together 20 years at that point. They had never mentioned anything about having a family, so following their lead, we never asked ... although between ourselves DH and I often wondered...
I can't explain the joy for all of us when the baby arrived safely, I still get a lovely feeling every time I see their wee family together.
So please, wait and see, be there for them but follow their lead. Hoping and praying that all goes well for them in the future.