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(21 Posts)
Jebr Fri 21-Jul-23 19:23:48

I've been in a relationship for over 10 years. We live separately for various reasons. Our ultimate goal was to someday live together in our senior years once my children left home. Both my daughters are now out on their own.
Well my eldest daughter had a baby 11 months ago she is a single mother she lives close to me. The man that I'm in a relationship with lives about 35 miles away. Our plan was for me to move in with him but now I'm Torn because I would be leaving her and my grandchild. I just want to be there for them. I watch granddaughter once a week plus when needed. My partner does not want to live at my house.
He doesn't see what the problem is because I would still be within 40 minute drive but I just feel like I need to be closer to her in case she needs help. I'm also struggling with the idea of selling my house. I just don't know what to do.

Jebr Fri 21-Jul-23 19:24:53


Ilovecheese Fri 21-Jul-23 19:26:28

Is there any hurry after all this time? Can't you carry on as before? Has your daughter expressed an opinion?

Ilovecheese Fri 21-Jul-23 19:28:15

Rent out your house instead of selling?
Both sell your houses and buy something in the middle?

Ilovecheese Fri 21-Jul-23 19:29:44

It would be a shame if you gave up your relationship and then your daughter met someone and moved away.
What a dilemma indeed.

Redhead56 Fri 21-Jul-23 19:37:18

If you are content with the relationship carry on as you have been for the time being. As it sounds as if you are giving more up if you know what I mean. Selling property and distancing yourself from your DD and GC stay put until you are certain you want move.

VioletSky Fri 21-Jul-23 19:44:54

You clearly aren't ready for this move

Wait till it feels right

Lathyrus Fri 21-Jul-23 20:05:21

It’s not the right time for you to make the move. I agree with those who say just carry on as you are for a bit, you’re not ready.

Life changes very rapidly with small children and in a couple of years everything could feel very different.

But hang on to your house.

Oh and I moved in together 3 years ago after a 10 year relationship. I think we were both stunned as to how that changed our expectations of each other! And what hard work it was😬

dogsmother Fri 21-Jul-23 20:19:40

When in doubt - do nowt.
Seems to me you are not ready to make any moves. I certainly wouldn’t sell your house yet.
However if you are fearful of the the promises/plans you made then perhaps a good chat with him soon would be in order.

sodapop Sat 22-Jul-23 07:33:08

I agree with dogsmother you are not ready yet to make the move. 35 miles is a short distance really. Have a rethink and chat with your partner.

Mamasperspective Sat 22-Jul-23 22:55:18

40 minutes is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Don’t sacrifice your happiness for a few minutes of extra travelling.

Mamasperspective Sat 22-Jul-23 22:56:14

Also … can you rent your house out?

BlueBelle Sun 23-Jul-23 04:33:49

Well there’s a lot of hesitancy (35 miles is almost next door to be honest) so like others I don’t think you are ready to move you did add at the end I m also struggling with the idea of selling my house, so your daughter and baby is only part of it
Ten years is a long time and if you have not felt the urgency to be totally together before now, maybe to stay as you are is the answer
He doesn’t want to move to you and you don’t want to move to him, simples, stay, but do be aware that the grandchild growing will pull you in more as the relationship between you will develop and your daughter may well have another child (what of the other daughter?) so I think you need to be honest with the chap, and in the same way he’s not prepared to move to you, you may never be able to move to him either

ethelwulf Sun 23-Jul-23 06:34:05

It doesn't sound like you're ready to move just yet. If your 10 year relationship is still working out OK as it is, there's no rush to change anything , is there? I can quite understand why you want to stay put to be close to your single Mum Daughter and Grandchild, as a 40 minute drive is still limiting, although still quite close. So much better to be on the spot, and you'll see much more of them that way.

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 23-Jul-23 08:37:26

Several questions.

What happens to the money you get from selling your home? Are you giving some to him?

Will you be living in his house?

Is he afraid that if he moves in with you, you will get even closer to your DD and GC?

Why wont he move in with you ? (although that could cause huge problems if you split up)

TBH I would stay where you are and travel to see him as you have in the past, you’ve been happily separate for 10 years.

Wyllow3 Sun 23-Jul-23 08:44:45

Just to say I agree with most here.

Keep things as they are for now.

Life changes all the time.

DD might meet someone and move away...

Unless what you haven't disclosed, he is putting pressure for you to move?

Jebr Fri 28-Jul-23 18:21:29

Thanks for all the great advice! This forum. Is better than therapy. I would be moving into his house. Financially it makes sense for us to combine households. His house is in a "nicer neighborhood" . Mines fine its just kind of a crowded small town. I like where he lives. He's financially stable. But like someone mentioned, living together can be a whole different ballgame. I think I'll stay put for now and ride it out! Thanks for taking time to reply everyone!!

Jebr Fri 28-Jul-23 18:24:01

No. Huge hurry i guess. He brings it up more often than I do. My daughter would figure things out on her own but I know she appreciates having me close by.

welbeck Fri 28-Jul-23 18:39:59

if you moved in to his house, without being married, would that not make you vulnerable, legally, financially.
what security would you have for your future housing needs.

Shelflife Sat 29-Jul-23 07:52:34

He does' nt want to move to you and you don't want to move to him - so stay where you are! I don't think the very small extra traveling time is what is making you hesitate - do you really want to give up your house and move in with him? I suspect not. You would be giving up a great deal ,think twice before leaving your own house. Forgive me if I am incorrect but it seems to me you are using the very small distance you would need to travel ( to see your DD) as the reason for not moving into his house? Think carefully, be absolutely sure and if deep down you want to keep your house and stay put then that is what you must do! His property being in a better area is nothing to do with why you should move in with him! It's about your ' independence ' and gut feeling. Clearly your are anxious about giving up your home or you would'nt be seeking advice on GN. Obviously I don't know your real situation but from an outsider looking in I think you should stay in your own home. Good luck in whatever you decide.

yggdrasil Sat 29-Jul-23 08:10:25

I and my partner have separate houses. I haven't the room for the bike repairs in the kitchen or the radio parts all over the place. :-))
We both care for each other and he has been very kind and helpful while I have been ill recently, but it doesn't change the fact the the status quo suits both of us fine