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Need Some Input/Advice

(22 Posts)
MimiOfTwo Thu 07-Sep-23 09:16:01

First of all I am so glad to have discovered this forum. Oh boy, where do I start. I guess I'll try to just keep it to a minimum.
My daughter is 29, engaged & has two children, granddaughter is almost two & grandson is 3 and a half. They recently moved in with my husband and I. She works fulltime and therefore I babysit fulltime all while having my own career. I work from home. She expects SO MUCH of my husband and I. Not only do I babysit Monday- Friday from 6:30am - 4pm but since they live with us the grandkids always want to be with me & husband and we never get a break. I have such guilt when I think to myself that I just want some time to myself and to relax. The guilt is what eats at me. My daughter is extremely lazy

NotSpaghetti Thu 07-Sep-23 09:22:24

Is this a temporary thing or long term?

I would not want this to be permanent so understand how you feel.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 07-Sep-23 09:23:08

Why do they live with you? Where is the fiancé and is he the father of the children?

MimiOfTwo Thu 07-Sep-23 09:25:15

(I accidentally hit post) How would any of you handle this situation? I'm just at a loss because we've had talk after talk and it never goes anywhere. The only time I get some time to myself is when I have to physically leave the house. I'm exhausted.

MimiOfTwo Thu 07-Sep-23 09:26:54

It's supposed to be temporary. They're supposed to be paying off bills & saving money but that's not been happening.

MimiOfTwo Thu 07-Sep-23 09:29:12

They moved in to pay off bills and save money. They were drowning in debt. Fiance lives with us too.

ParlorGames Thu 07-Sep-23 09:37:47

As soon as your DD or her fiancé get home both you and your husband should put on yours shoes and leave..........go for walk, visit the pub or restaurant or even visit friends but do get out of the house, whilst ever you are there DD and fiancé will keep putting on you both.

There's a huge difference between offering family a home to help them get out of debt and them treating you like full-time housekeeper, child minding, chief cook and bottle washer.

NotSpaghetti Thu 07-Sep-23 09:44:37

I don't think working from home is generally compatible with full time child-minding.
Not sure where you are but isn't your daughter able to get some government-funded childcare?

Make sure you have a private bedroom for now. Don't invite people in there. Shut the door. Have a safe space. Remove yourself from childcare as soon as mum is home. Try saying the same thing repeatedly "it's Mummy time now" ask her, play with her, go tell her... and maybe your daughter will get it too!

Norah Thu 07-Sep-23 09:47:56

Is it perhaps time for them to find other accommodations?

welbeck Thu 07-Sep-23 09:52:51

what incentive do these adults have to take responsibility for their own lives, spend money on living expenses, look after the children, if they have it all supplied for them in comfortable accommodation with resident staff.
and they don't even have to pay the staff.
they are in easy street and unlikely ever to move.

Grandmabatty Thu 07-Sep-23 09:57:05

How can you possibly work while looking after two children? You need to sit down and agree boundaries although that boat has probably sailed. Tell her you can't do it. She and her fiance will have to organise childcare. Give her a fixed timescale for moving out regardless of debt, saving etc and remind both of them of that.

buffyfly9 Thu 07-Sep-23 10:42:50

Take the very good advice from Grandmabatty and start to institute the changes straight away. Your family don't sound as if they are going anywhere soon so you need to take your life back. It doesn't mean you cannot support them in other ways but they are taking advantage of you. I think many parents are afraid of upsetting their children these days; you have done your bit, be strong!

henetha Thu 07-Sep-23 11:07:26

Perhaps you are being taken advantage of, Mimi. This situation cannot really continue, can it. A firm discussion is needed I think. Sending best wishes that you can resolve this amicably.

NotSpaghetti Thu 07-Sep-23 11:08:48

How long is it since they moved in with you?
This is a tough situation but you must look after yourself. I would need an end date.
Maybe they should get some financial advice (from a charity?) That will show them how to reduce debts week by week.
If I couldn't see evidence of trying I would not be able to cope.

You say your daughter works full time. What did she do with childcare when she didn't live with you?

Theexwife Thu 07-Sep-23 11:16:32

I would say that I am sorry but this is not working, you will have to find somewhere else to live or arrange child care.

Esmay Thu 07-Sep-23 11:28:35

Hi Mimi ,
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you .
It's an example of a child with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement .

This story is so familiar to me :
Several of my friends have gone through it until the situation became intolerable.
One of them was told to vacate her bedroom , because they preferred it .
Another is physically ill because the strain is too much .
And another is jeopardising her marriage because her husband is finding looking after their grandchildren 24 /7 increasingly difficult .

I've had some experience of being treated like a skivvy and then , shouted and sworn at , because I was unable to care for a grandchild .

I think if your daughter isn't listening to you and can't compromise then you have to put something in writing and contact social services - they can arrange to house your daughter , fiancé and her children .

Be prepared for the emotional blackmail that will ensue , I was told to kiss my granddaughter goodbye forever as I wouldn't be allowed to see her anymore .

Hithere Thu 07-Sep-23 11:41:38

Why did you ageee to these arrangements?

You are enabling them and this is why she is lazy

They need to go

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 07-Sep-23 11:51:26

Working full time from home whilst looking after children means neither job is being properly done. You need to tell them this. They have managed to drown themselves in debt and are making little or no progress with sorting that out. They never will whilst they have this nice home with you (do they contribute towards bills?) and free childcare. You need to give them notice,p. If they face imminent homelessness they can go to the council’s housing department for assistance. They have two children , it’s high time they acted like responsible adults, stood on their own two feet and learned to live within their means.

JLR1220 Thu 07-Sep-23 13:20:28

If they just moved in “recently” and you have already had “talk after talk” then it’s time for an exit strategy. Do something before another baby comes along and they have even more expenses.
You didn’t mention if the fiancé works full time. Does he step up and take care of things. How lazy is he?
How do you know if they haven’t been successful at paying any debt down or started saving? Are you also involved with helping them in that? Are they still buying things? Driving expensive cars? If they were irresponsible enough to get into this mess, they may not have the skills to get out.
Are they appreciative, respectful, helpful, and enjoyable adults to have around. Are they sitting around with noses in their phones or do they engage with you and your husband?

Work with your husband on what is acceptable, 3-4 more months? Set guidelines for the household that includes parenting beginning when parents walk through the door. Shared meal planning and preparation. Alternate weekly or you do for you and your husband and they plan for themselves certain days. Have mom prepare for all the food, drink and snacks for the children, already set aside in a designated spot, or in individual lunchboxes. You can’t be expected to prepare, feed, and do all the cleanup after eating! Little ones do make such a mess!
They will need cash on hand to move to an apartment and if they have unpaid utility bills those have to be paid. Get “rent” from them and put it away for their next rental.
Is your husband working full time too?

Norah Thu 07-Sep-23 14:02:27

A bit different, however an example of how things might work best. My brother retired, age 67, nice pensions. He moved home, naturally wanting to look for a permanent home slowly. He moved in with us, helped in the gardens. Did the shop, all errands, petrol in cars, sorted mum's things for charity.

He learned to cook real food, apart from jacket potatoes, steaks, salad, eggs, toast and expensive take-out (his normal fare). He learned how to hoover, sort laundry (I admit to not totally trusting him to all the laundry as he's always sent his out). And he even washed the inside of our windows (we pay for the outside).

Happily married and hopefully fully trained now. grin

Perhaps they could help with everything or move along?

Patsy70 Thu 07-Sep-23 14:32:55


As soon as your DD or her fiancé get home both you and your husband should put on yours shoes and leave..........go for walk, visit the pub or restaurant or even visit friends but do get out of the house, whilst ever you are there DD and fiancé will keep putting on you both.

There's a huge difference between offering family a home to help them get out of debt and them treating you like full-time housekeeper, child minding, chief cook and bottle washer.

This. Then, when you’re back home tell your daughter and her fiancé in no uncertain terms, that it is impossible for you and your husband to continue accommodating them and looking after their children. It is an impossible situation and Inreally do hope that you stick to your guns, so that you and your husband can get your lives back. She sounds totally indulged, lazy and selfish, as well as financially irresponsible. Best wishes. 💐

NotSpaghetti Thu 07-Sep-23 14:46:01

I think we are all being blunt here (and "get" why that is) but I know it will be hard to act. Also, you may be in America (for example) where services are very different.

However, I definitely think you must put your foot down with both mum (and boyfriend) and the grandchildren once your daughter or her partner are home. You cannot be everything to everyone and nothing to yourself.

I think you are doing a kind and motherly thing but it won't help them if they don't try to help themselves too.

It's easy to say "make them xyz" but not so easy when things are a mess to be honest. MimiOfTwo you must not be so available when the "parents" are at home. Only YOU have the power to control how you behave. Tell the little ones that it's mummy/daddy's turn now and stop doing the "extras". They won'tstop loving you for saying no.