Am I the asshole? 😣

Annanan

As the mother of the child’s father you will always be number TWO grandmother. Mother’s mother is always number ONE. Get over it and grow up!

That's your opinion is it. This is not my experience. I have never been treated differently.
Your opinion is not fact, and telling someone to grow up is rude.

Pampas, congratulations on having a grandchild.

I think most of the answers to your post are grossly unfeeling, and I do hope you are not dreadfully hurt by them, but I am afraid you must be.

That said: this is the way new parents behave these days, if you go by all the many posts on gransnet from paternal grandmothers!

If you are feeling that your son is being unbearably unkind and behaving badly towards you, I can only agree with you.

However, you need to try and view this without letting your hurt feelings cloud your judgement.

LEAST SAID - SOONEST MENDED

Anything you say will be taken amiss and you might just find yourself banned from your son's home, so put up with all his silly rules.

As like as not, in three months time he will have adjusted to being a father and be willing to accept all the help he can get!

I am very sorry to hear of your serious health issue - please do remember that chemo is extremely harsh on your body and on your feelings, so is the nagging doubt that you might not live long enough to see this child grow up. Shove that nasty thought as far into the back of your mind as you can, or preferably right out of it.

Your doctors say you are doing well, and they should know.

A quite different point is that you should not run unnecessary risks of contracting any infections at all, as long as you are having chemo, or recovering from it. So visiting anywhere at this time of the year when coughs, colds flu etc. are going the rounds is probably unwise.

Give yourself time to get through chemo and recovery from it, and let your DIL tackle her husband if she too thinks he is being unreasonable.

As to the dog and cat issue - some people regard cats as cleaner than dogs, but honestly neither should be around a young baby. Leave your dog at home, when you go to visit your son and his family, and put dog in a different room to them, when they come to you. That solves that problem at least.

I hope this all sorts itself out, and that you are soon feeling better and able to shrug and say, "well, I always knew my son works himself into states at the least little thing, and having a first baby is not a little thing. I'll just let him get over it in his own good time"

Hithere

MadeinYorkshire

I was being polite and diplomatic pointing the obvious, not mean at all.

You were not being polite, you were being blunt,mean and rude. This woman is upset there was a better way if putting this.

Chemo treatment? That can cause vomiting.

dotpocka

doctor told me not to be near minors of any kind the week or more after treatment especial if vomiting

???

doctor told me not to be near minors of any kind the week or more after treatment especial if vomiting

As the mother of the child’s father you will always be number TWO grandmother. Mother’s mother is always number ONE. Get over it and grow up!

It’s natural you want to see your grandchild we all do but it’s not your child it’s their child so it’s up to them who or what they do with baby. I’ve 5 grandchildren and I’ve never put a photo online without asking parents first. I’m the mum of sons I didn’t see my last grandchild born for 6 months because we were in lockdown baby won’t remember when you first saw it. Daughters always go to their mothers first didn’t you. Your son is in a new world give him a chance. It should be about them not you. I definitely wouldn’t let any animal near a baby full stop when my oldest was a baby my parents were babysitting him and put him in the garden in his pram a cat jumped on his pram and lay on his face. My mum only nipped in the house to answer the door she never left him again after that.

Crazygran

I know I sound harsh but can’t understand why so many parents , grandparents complain about the way their offspring act ?? Don’t forget you brought them up .

It is naive to think that only "nurture" impacts on behaviours!!

I know I sound harsh but can’t understand why so many parents , grandparents complain about the way their offspring act ?? Don’t forget you brought them up .

Sorry about your health issues. Glad that the treatment is working. You have enough to cope with, without having to worry about your son and d.i.l. I have a constantly stressed out daughter and I’m always treading on eggshells. I love her to bits but my word, she can be difficult 😫
Btw I think the poster is American, the way she spells the ‘title’

Ok, from reading all the comments, i will probably be very unpopular with you all, as I'm totally with you on this pampas, i think most of theses comments are quite harsh, you are naturally excited about your new grandchild, and you feel pushed out, that is natural and i can relate because I've been there too. Your son could be kinder and mire considerate towards you, he is only seeing things from his point of view, not even considering your feelings. He will soon want you when babysitting is needed, then its totally up to you how you respond. Sorry to hear of your health issues, best wishes to you x

I don't think the OP has been back to tell us if she's an a**h or not!
It's an odd attitude IMO.
When did grandparents appear in the delivery room?
In my day we had nurses and midwives, occasionally doctors and often Matron.
You had to ask permission for the husband/father to be allowed to be there.

Sorry this poor lady is unwell and I hope she has a chance to cuddle her DGC.

MadeinYorkshire

I was being polite and diplomatic pointing the obvious, not mean at all.

I agree with Nansnet. The OPs illness does have a lot to do with how she is reacting to a new life in her family. Chemo is harsh on the body and she is obviously not at her best so can make unwise decisions.
She does need to take a few steps back and see the baby when the parents are ready and abide by their rules.
I do feel her son should be a bit more understanding. She is going through a very traumatic time and harsh words are unkind.

To put it simply - yes you are.

Hithere

Yes, you are

Your health condition has nothing to do with this - do not use it to further your agenda

Crikey that's bloody mean when someone is feeling a bit vulnerable!

I think you are being a bit sensitive and maybe your health problems are contributing to this. You are never going to be as close to your DIL as her mother is, that is just natural. They should be a bit more understanding with you but I would second the past opinions where people suggest you draw back a bit and let them come to you.

i thought it was something to do with donkeys.

Well said Nansnet

Aldom

Well said Nanatoone. I totally agree with you. But I'm another who cringes at the word Ass...e.

TBH I do wonder why anyone thinks it’s appropriate for a MiL to visit the hospital while a DiL is in labour.

And I’m another who objects to ‘asshole’, only because on this side of the pond it should be a good old English arsehole.

After the wise men left, the three wise women arrived

I don't like the wording used for the title either but as someone else has mentioned, if the OP is American, I know from my American friend that it's a word that's regularly used, so let's not judge her too harshly on that account.

I agree that she needs to be patient and follow their lead. Just let them know that you are there for them should they need any help at all, etc. In a few weeks, I'm sure they'll get into their own routines, and things will work out fine.

However, I note that some posters have mentioned that the OP should not use her illness to guilt trip her DS and DiL. I must confess that I feel quite shocked by some of the heartless comments made by one or two posters in particular. The way I see it is that the OP is battling cancer, and she's being treated with long-term chemo. She's no doubt feeling very vulnerable, sensitive, emotional, angry, etc. On top of the feelings she's having due to her illness, she has the added emotions that come with the birth of a grandchild, and those emotions would be heightened due to the trauma she's no doubt going through currently in her life.

Just have some heart people.

Pampas07, I wish you well in your recovery, and hope all turns out well.

Totally agree. I would have appreciated an offer of a bit of housework. Especially the bathrooms

Well said Elegran