Am I the asshole? 😣

Hithere

Yes, you are

Your health condition has nothing to do with this - do not use it to further your agenda

Not a very nice reply, what's your problem?

I am sorry for your health issues

I think you will have a much better time if you start respecting their boundaries as parents. It doesn't matter if you agree with them, that is what they want.

That's how you become a trusted person in their lives.

Your son is stressed and you know that, until the point he can work on that issue, that is the son you have whose stress levels need consideration from you.

The more you push, the more they will back away

I don't see any "assholes" here, just people who need better communication and to work on themselves... As a family you could make the choice to do that together

Depending on the treatment you’re having, it may not be safe to be around infants, or they may have been waiting to get information from doctors about what is safe and what isn’t, and didn’t want to upset you until they knew what was going on.

That said.

Your son is dealing with a lot right now. His mother is terribly ill, his wife is recovering from childbirth and he’s a new father. That’s a LOT for anyone to be handling at once.

Give him some grace. He’s dealing with all of this, with the added bonus of sleep deprivation. I don’t know of anyone who’d manage all of this well.

I wish you the very best with your treatments and health

In answer to question

Yes!

dotpocka - I did wonder about that to be honest but don't know enough about it.

I just wonder whether the OP 's son is thinking about her health, and not wanting to tire her out or subject her to any unnecessary risks. Personally, that's what I'd be thinking my son was trying to do in a similar situation.
I don't want to sound horrible here, but there is another way he could be looking at the situation in light of the OPS advanced stage of her condition, I wonder, might the son and DiL not want their child to become too attached? Yes, the OP could still have many years left, but her son may not be thinking this way.
Either way, maybe a conversation with the son to find out how he feels, what his reasons are for keeping his mother at arm's length are and to offer assistance if it's needed, might be the best move so they both know the lay of the land, and this can be repeated from time to time as the baby gets older or the OP 's abilities change.

dragonfly46

Annanan

As the mother of the child’s father you will always be number TWO grandmother. Mother’s mother is always number ONE. Get over it and grow up!

That is extremely unkind and so not true. I am the mother of my grandchildren's father and our DiL treats us all equally!

I’m the mother of daughters. They both share good friendly loving relationships with their mothers in law. We three grannies all get on well because we are connected by our grandchildren and their parents. That’s the same with most people I know

I really don't understand some posters, a woman with stage 4 cancer comes on here and asks for advice, and she is met with really nasty, remarks by 2 posters.
One tells her to grow up and one tells her she is using stage 4 cancer to get to more access to her Grandchild.
Please look at the advice from the more measured kind posters.

Annanan

As the mother of the child’s father you will always be number TWO grandmother. Mother’s mother is always number ONE. Get over it and grow up!

That is extremely unkind and so not true. I am the mother of my grandchildren's father and our DiL treats us all equally!

Hithere, if you can’t wish to “maximise your time here on earth” when suffering from stage 4 cancer, when can you?

And Annanan, I imagine that having stage 4 cancer forces a sufferer to “grow up” pretty quickly.

Annanan

As the mother of the child’s father you will always be number TWO grandmother. Mother’s mother is always number ONE. Get over it and grow up!

Wow , so which one are you then ?? How dare you tell her to grow up , how arrogant!

I do feel there are a few people that are being very harsh with their replies here. Firstly from someone who is also undergoing cancer treatment, where emotions run high, along with the sheer exhaustion that runs alongside this awful disease, to be told this lady is basically using her illness as a "Wo me" as well as some sort of weapon towards her Son and DiL, to see her new Grandchild, is really not being very kind. I don't think she is doing this at all. The lady just wants to know if her son is being patronising and speaking to her in a derogatory way. So in answer to your question Pampas07 then yes, I do. On saying this it is usual for the new Mum to want her own Mothers support once the baby arrives, but I also hear you where you say it isn't your DiL that is the problem here. I understand your Son is a new parent, and it is only natural that he and your DiL want to spend time together with their new baby, and getting her into some sort of routine. However he shouldn't need to be rude to you in explaining this, and asking if you would mind just bearing with them while they do this, but they will welcome you gladly once they are ready for you to have some quality time with the baby, and begin the task of Grandmother duties!!
There really are polite ways of saying things. 🙂
I wish you all the luck with your treatment, and do take this time at the moment to look after you. 😊

Op is thinking about this situation from her own POV, how she can maximize her time on this earth

It wouldn't hurt for OP's son to think about the situation from her point of view either, and cut her some slack 🤨

Pampas07 do you think there's a tiny possibility he's stressing so much because you're ill, and his worry for you is all tied up with his attitude over the baby?

Hithere

Cancer is a terrible disease
Stage 4 is devastating
Do not wish that nightmare on my worst enemy

A person, consciously or unconsciously using is a factor that can be interpreted as emotional blackmail - huge no no

The parents look what's best for their baby

Op is thinking about this situation from her own POV, how she can maximize her time on this earth

So.

I get it , it sounds like being I’ll u are wanting to maximise time with ur grandchild. It’s unfair you being sidelined. Maybe the good child hood has made ur son confident to speak out. I hope this all calms down soon.

Cancer is a terrible disease
Stage 4 is devastating
Do not wish that nightmare on my worst enemy

A person, consciously or unconsciously using is a factor that can be interpreted as emotional blackmail - huge no no

The parents look what's best for their baby

Op is thinking about this situation from her own POV, how she can maximize her time on this earth

Your son is patronising and derogatory but you love him That's fine and you can tolerate his little foibles especially as you are his mum and he loves you. Your worries exist because you are tired , and anxious about losing your status in the family. Don't be troubled. All is well

MadeInYorkshire

Hithere
Yes, you are

Your health condition has nothing to do with this - do not use it to further your agenda
Crikey that's bloody mean when someone is feeling a bit vulnerable!

Par for the course with this particular poster. Can always be relied upon to make a nasty comment especially to a MIL.

I am so sorry you have stage four cancer. I can understand you want to make the most of every day now and especially with a new little life coming into the world and into your family. Of course you want to see your grandchild as much as you can. Now. Enjoy her now. Not wait for some later time which may not come. Your son is not showing you the care and understanding you need at this time. Perhaps he can't cope with your illness and is in denial about it. A lot of people find it hard to cope when someone close to them becomes seriously ill. Having said that, he has a lot on his plate at the moment. Best thing is for you is to go along with their rules, calmly and pleasantly. Try to self soothe and not get too upset. Things will probably ease up as everyone gets more used to the baby being here.

PS, nobody should chide you for your use of English. You make yourself perfectly clear and that is okay. The very word 'okay ' is American in origin.

In our society it's normal for the grandparents to step back when the parents have new baby unless there is a problem the grand parent can help with. Obviously they don't need you at present.

Pampas70 Take care of yourself first, health wise. Let the dust settle down at first baby’s home. In time they will open the door to you.

As far as wondering if you are or aren’t - I’m surprised you used that “headline.” It’s not very becoming, maybe you were having a downer of a day? Don’t think of yourself that way. If you keep using that word, it might make people think differently.

Good luck with your cancer treatments. I had cancer too… seven years ago.

Your feelings are understandable,your excited about the only nice thing that is going on for you at present,very sorry to hear about your health.But when families have their first child they are very sensitive to outside germs etc.,they are sleep deprived
& will be 100% focused on their child,stand back,think of the nicest thing that would help them in the future,gift basket of food or whatever & wait until they are ready to have visitors.
Some people are just born with sharp personalities,we have all met them,try to focus on your own health & treat yourself well,if you wait it will all work out,good luck.

Hithere

MadeinYorkshire

I was being polite and diplomatic pointing the obvious, not mean at all.

Hithere, what you said did sound blunt and rude to me too.

I am not naturally tactful myself, but there are ways to soften statements like this one. E g, the OP did ask ‘Am I the asshole?’ but someone could say, ‘I know you are not feeling well and are concerned about how long you have left, but I think your son is not being unreasonable, except that he does not need to talk to you in a patronising and derogatory way.’