DIL posh family - advice needed

Anyone who tries to make believe that social class is not alive and doing well in contemporary UK is being very naive and unrealistic. The expressions "upper" "middle" "working" and "under" class are used all the time by academics. Its mainly folk on chat forums who go on about classism who get their knickers in a twist.

When the ladies left the gentleman to their Port they withdrew hence the withdrawing room. We all enjoy the Port here!

Try Drawing room? I think that's a weird one.

Bog for toilet!

I can never quite understand why the correct usage, settee/sofa; lounge/living room/front room; serviette/napkin; toilet/lavatory is such an issue.
Where you live and what was used in your childhood probably affects usage of certain words and surely if the meaning is understood, that is all that matters.
For example, no-one I know would use the word lavatory, ( it would sound odd) everyone says toilet. Does that make us common? 😉

Alexa and I are at odds on this issue. As I am often confined to bed through illness, I use Alexa to communicate with DH, who is downstairs.
Me: Alexa, pop into the living room.
Alexa: Living room is not on the list. Do you wish to pop into the lounge? 😁

Well, I must be right some of the time.

Which probably proves the OP should just go with the flow!

But IKEA (Swedish) calls them paper napkins, so who's right or wrong?!

On checking the etymology of napkin, apparently the word comes from Middle English, borrowing the French wordnappe which means “a cloth covering for the table". The nobility didn't exactly use the tablecloth to wipe their mouths, but little, torn up, bits of the same cloth, hence the diminutive suffix kin.

Just be who you are and allow them to be themselves also.

The only difference between you and them is that they have more money than you. It doesn't make them better people (and they do sound nice from what you've written).

What counts, what matters, is who you are as a person - your courtesy, manners and strength of character. Fortunately, those characteristics don't rely on how much money you have in the bank.

Joseann

I'm not sure, but "napkin" makes me think more of the linen, material type, whereas serviette is more for the paper type?

This is how I've always used these words. They aren't interchangeable as far as I'm concerned.

Am prepared to be proved wrong though.

Silverberry am I just destined to be a poor relation and is there anything I can do.

Perhaps re-frame yourself to 'GP' and not poor relation?

Nothing to do. I doubt anyone notices or cares. My GPs had different backgrounds, different incomes, different home locations.

I'd no idea until I was 16 and marrying - we bought our home from the 'London GPs' who had retired home to Suffolk a few years prior. Mum explained why our little home was available for purchase. We didn't know anything of grandparent finances as children and still don't know much apart from our home sale. Not our business.

I bet your GC don't know or care either. I'd stop worrying if I were you.

i wonder if we could have an in-laws free zone on GN until next year.
oh well, i can dream.

I'm not sure, but I think it's the other way round.

Anyway, I use both words not necessarily specifically for either.

We have sofas and settees but we don't have a couch. We mostly go to the loo,, occasionally the toilet but never the lavatory. We have a lounge and a playroom although our youngest child is 36. I think I am confused.

I'm not sure, but "napkin" makes me think more of the linen, material type, whereas serviette is more for the paper type?

What is wrong with saying serviette?

Napkin always makes me think of a child's nappy.

I’m always suspicious when the OP doesn’t respond but if this isn’t a wind up then anyone that uses the words “posh, upper class, lower class” in MHO has a fairly big chip on their shoulder.

Her DIL is from a privileged background and makes them welcome so no problem there.

The children are obviously corrected when using certain words and that’s fine, if our GD asked me for a serviette for example then I would correct her, the children probably have no idea they are being impolite.

Regarding presents then surely a magazine/wine/cheese subscription would be a great joint present, there is nothing worse than being presented with furniture, paintings etc then having to display the blooming things!

Be grateful you have a son with a good marriage and career, don’t overthink it!

* might be

Just wondering whether there is not a bit of “humblebragging” from OP.
That word "humblebragging" has always seemed like a contradiction in terms to me. I do agree it might might what is going on in the OP. It reminds me of Charles Lamb's essay where the poor relation is described as being too humble, too self-aware of being a poor relation, and too miserable with it. It isn't a good look.

Silverberry
Well I say settee and front room so people can think what they like. Each to their own.
But I know how you feel. There was a time I felt intimidated by different people but not anymore. You are your own person so be proud of yourself and carry on as you are.

No, I don't think there's anything you can 'do'. You just have to accept the fact that the in-laws will always be able to give more in terms of presents. You can just make sure you are the best grandparents possible whenever you meet the GC and hope you leave them with fond memories of you.

I would not try to compete with her parents. If you like cooking or baking I would make something nice for them , perhaps a nice Dundee came or some chutney . Keep given the GC the fun gifts in their stockings , these will always be remembered and perhaps a trip to the panto , it doesn't need to be a big posh one, the local ones are usually good fun. Make memories with them, I can assure you these are the things that are remembered not the big fancy gestures.

Just wondering whether there is not a bit of “humblebragging” from OP
We do not need to know how many houses her son’s in-laws own and frankly it need not indicate “poshness” except perhaps in the way Victoria Beckham had the nickname “Posh Spice” because she lived in the Home Counties and her father used to drive her to her( state ) secondary school in a Rolls.
So not all that posh cf. eg Kate Middleton
It’s all relative and “poshness” like beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

While not as wealthy as your DiL's family are Silverberry, I have been on the better off side of 2 marriages. My parents were better off than DH's, my father was an army officer, DH's father worked on a car assmbly line, and we are better off than DDiL's, whose father died when she was 5 and whose mother has not remarried.

i do not think in either case, we have ever looked down on or compared ourselves with our fellow in-laws, nor flashed our better off life. In each case everyone has got on really well. and differences of income and life style have never come between us.

My DDiL, like us, is from a small family and the two families have become as one. my associate grandmother and I ring each other up regularly for a chat. My MiL, after she was widowed, spent holiday's staying with my parents. Money never came into it. As individuals there was more that united them than money could ever divide.

Yes, we can now and again provide family treats that would be beyond the capacity of DDiL's mother: holidays, help with cars. but we do not look down on her because she has less, and she lives closer than we do and has been able to provide the physical day to day help we could not.

When our DC stayed with their paternal grandparents, they travelled everywhere by bus, as their grandparents did not own a car, and experienced a good old fashioned small town life, walking to the shops, stopping to chat to all the neighbours, who would remember their father as a child. they loved it - never thought of their paternal grandparents as being 'poor' in any sense.

As for the incident with the stool. To be honest I would never risk buying anyone either clothes or home furnishings, whether they were less well off than me, better off than me or whether our incomes matched to a penny unless they had told me exactly what they wanted. Taste in clothes and house furnishings can be very different and one person's lovely sweater( stool), just right for the recipient, can actually be a colour they never wear or in a style they loathe. Money has nothing to do with it.

You have a lovely DiL, grandchildren who love you, what more can you want? Do not spoil a lovely relationship with your son's family with silly old fashioned notions, nor blame incidents like that with the footstool on money. It had nothing to do with money and everything to do with taste and that applies to everybody.

We have a slightly similar situation. Our DD1 is married to a wonderful man. We don’t meet his family often but they’re always very charming to us. When it comes to money we are more fortunate than they are but they surpass us in education and culture. They have both written books and love opera, Shakespeare, and all kinds of classical music and literature. Conversations can be difficult as we are less well educated and cultured. DH and I have developed a tactic of introducing topics which they also like such as football, cookery and the grandchildren. We suspect that their views on religion and politics differ from ours so we avoid anything along that line. They are genuinely kind people with whom we have very little in common.

I've got family at both ends of the social scale. I wouldn't worry about the money if I were you. There is a post earlier on about the sort of gifts your DIL might appreciate. I would say as well if you have any crafting skills, knitting or something, try making something for her.
Your GDs sound too young to really understand how rude they were being to correct you in public.
When they are older you will be able to make jokes about things. My GCs are better off than I was when my sons were little, they are often teased by my DSs about it "When I was your age I never had...."
Just try to see the person and ignore the money.

That's what I think too, eazy.

English is rich in vocabulary. None of it, unless deliberately rude, which settee and lounge aren't, is worthy of a grandchild's scoffing. If such a thing happens again, help her make a list of the synonyms of whatever words she has objected to.