DIL posh family - advice needed

You need to stop this inverted snobbery now, before you allow it to drive a wedge between your son's in-laws and yourself. They are kind and welcoming and generous; you are the person highlighting differences between your families and resenting it. I would imagine your daughter-in-law winced at the rudeness of her child in correcting an adult, not at the words you used.

You are not alone - my son's in-laws are very wealthy compared to us and wealthier than anyoneI know in fact...

But don't be disheartened - we still take our son and daughter-in-law out for dinner occasionally and do ordinary things - we have jolly evenings even if not at - a Michelin restaurant. We love their company and nothing has suggested that they don't love us. We have warm and happy family times with them and they muddle in with our family whenever they can.

His mother-in-law and wider family don't live round the corner so we don't see them often - but they do holiday in exotic places and buy very expensive gifts as your son's in-laws seem to.
We do what is affordable, fair and reasonable to us - surely they are just doing the same!

The wealthy are just like us - people.
Don't let their wealth make you feel "less" as a person.

you have an inferiority complex silverberry..

and why would you buy a footstool for someone who has everything.

Please don't allow yourself to be intimidated by your son's in laws .
Having a great deal of money doesn't mean that they are "posh".
And it was extremely rude for a child to correct you .
A well bred child knows not to do that .

If you want to employ all the "right " terms then look them up as suggested .

No need to buy expensive gifts - small items which you've made will suffice .

Be yourself .
Don't apologise .
Don't explain .

I find that the airs and graces that my daughter's mother in law puts on - worthy of a sitcom .

Silverberry, you remind me of myself, worrying about things that don’t need to be worried about. !

Please, put these thoughts out of your mind, and enjoy your son’s good fortune in having a loving, thoughtful wife and family with financial security behind her as well.

She and her parents must be aware of your feelings but I feel sure that they do not think it is a problem. They all seem to be extending friendship to you.

One thing I have learned is that often people who appear to have everything actually may well have a sadness in their lives, just like everyone else. ( For an obvious example, look no further than our own King. )

The day may well come when you can offer help to your daughter in law or her family.

As for the use of words….. as I understand it…….anything goes ! (Not talking about foul language of course.)
I have never been aware of u and non - u , though I know what they mean of course. I certainly don’t bother about them.

“Cloakroom” is a good enough word for the loo if you want to be formal or “bathroom” in someone’s house.

Be happy.

Your Daughter in Law’s family give what they are able to give, you give what you are able to ….it’s not a competition.
The grandchildren just used the words for lounge and settee that they are used to - were they really trying to belittle you d’you think?

I think the problem lies with you, silverberry. Just be yourself and be proud of the way you have brought your son up and enjoy your dilemma and dgc.

Language and use of words changes in different parts of the country and with different generations. Embrace the differences.

Don't do what one of our 'other' grannies does though and never pay if you are out together. Be it the car park or a cup of coffee.

mumofmadboys

No-one should judge another person on how much money they have. Best to judge people on qualities such as kindness, gentleness,compassion and awareness of others needs. Far more important

Yes

Joseanne toilette has a much better ring to it than lavatory. Toilette it shall be ….

Sofa
Front room
Loo
That’s me totally working class and proud of it
Yes funny how we all deride other countries for their treatment of those born without a silver spoon but it’s just the same here

"Comparison is the thief of joy".

Silver berry , stop comparing yourself to your DILs family.

My advice is rise above it, there's no need to feel inferior purely because your DILs family are wealthier than you.

Why do you feel that that you "aren't their sort". From what you have said they actually seem rather nice, especially your DIL, she sounds lovely.

I think you need to work on your self esteem and build your confidence.

I was born working class and spent my formative years living in a council house. I am proud of my roots and heritage but I knew from an early age I wanted more out of life. So I changed my stars.

I educated myself, acquired social skills, learned how to "talk proper" 😂🤣, learned etiquette, how to dress appropriately etc.
I can now mix and mingle with ease in any social milieu. Beggars or kings, makes no difference to me.

I've learned that money, class, gender, race, religion are irrelevant. People are just people, treat them all with courtesy and respect and they will respond in kind.

There is always someone richer, cleverer, more accomplished more attractive than me, just as they will always be someone who is or has less of everything than me.

Silver berry. Just be happy in your skin and don't let your social anxiety destroy your relationship with your son, DIL and grandchildren.

You supported and encouraged your son. You gave him wings, you have done a cracking job. Give yourself a pat on the back
and enjoy.

TheBritish class system is alive and well then. Still. I wouldn’t give any of it a second thought and I am sure they love you just the way you are. They sound nice, so do you. Don’t let inverted snobbery affect your relationships.

It's no use trying to compete. Just be yourself and enjoy the time you spend with your family. With one DS and family we are the 'poor relations', with the other DS and family we are more well off than the other parents. We get on well with each other set of parents. They see all pleasant and welcoming. None of us judge each other by money. Being friendly and kind is more important.

Did you know that the word toilet comes from the French toilette? I think it was around the 16th or 17th century that British royalty refused to use the word because they disliked the French. Hence they used lavatory instead! (I'm full of useless information.)
By the way, it's a strange post for your first venture onto Gransnet Silverberry, seeking advice on a topic that always gets us going! Are the responses helpful to you?

Don't they offer you food parcels, kumquats from their greenhouse maybe, pate in monogrammed dishes, broken strings of pearls, cast off cashmere and tweed plus fours? Stingy beggars.

ElaineI

We use couch and living room near Edinburgh. Does it really matter. Just explain to grandchild that people use different names in different areas.

Ditto. The same here in Glasgow.

The one word I cannot not use is lavatory. It makes me think of the disgusting, underground, Victorian Public Lavatory in our town centre, which had to be closed, due to the fact that it was being used for rather dodgy activities.

Silverberry, our granddaughter's other grandparents are extremely wealthy, but I certainly don't feel inferior in any way. My granddaughter knows we love her very much, that is what is important.

I've always thought that it's not what you have but what you do with it. A sentiment I voiced often when DH and I were looking for a new property!

Why do you need your gc to be similar to you?

You have set up a competition game in your head and creating your own problem

We use couch and living room near Edinburgh. Does it really matter. Just explain to grandchild that people use different names in different areas.

It seems like this is wholly about your perception, because you’ve clearly stated both your DIL and her parents haven’t done anything to make you feel lesser than.

The footstool? I’m nowhere near rich, but I don’t like people buying me things for the house unless I originally picked it out. Everyone has different tastes, and it’s almost a guarantee that unasked for home decor items won’t be what they had in mind.

On a much lower scale, we are the rich in-laws and our DIls mother not.
Despite the fact we spend more on them as a family I have never felt that money was important to them. I know our DGS loves us but he loves his other grandma too, as he should.
Life isn’t all about money it’s time, caring,.

Your DIl sounds a delightful person and I’m pleased your son has married into such a nice family. Don’t try and compete there’s no need. Just show your love for all of them. That’s what counts.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” said Eleanor Roosevelt.

I would say you are definitely over thinking this. Continue your own way of life and don't try to change and be something you aren't. Your grandchildren would probably be closer to their mother's family even if they were the ones with less money. I'm sure your DiL won't be worried about not having a stocking. She will know that different families have different traditions. If you are worried about what presents to buy her ask your son for ideas. I'm not sure if money is an issue with the presents. When my MiL died I found her drawers full of unused gifts that I had spent hours choosing for her.

Lounge would be sitting room 👍

Settee would be sofa 👎

Toilet would be lavatory but often shortened to lav amongst family, although loo has become increasingly acceptable. 👍

Serviette would be napkin 👍

Apart from settee I'm nearly upper-class 😃

Caleo

one of the main social class differences is expensive education. If your in law in all seriousness pulled you up about your non-u vocabulary, then it's your inlaw who is the lower class.
Money does not equal social class when people like each other, however educational level must be compatible enough.

It would seem it was their young grandchild who made the language comment and as such is really just children being children. Especially as it says her dil was embarrassed on their behalf