DIL posh family - advice needed

Quite honestly all this lip service to an assumed superior social class is just crazy. I would deliberately say toilet just to wind someone up - who cares? Lavatory really doesn’t trill off the lips does it?

Lounge would be sitting room

Settee would be sofa

Toilet would be lavatory but often shortened to lav amongst family, although loo has become increasingly acceptable.

Serviette would be napkin.

I can understand your irritation at the grandchildren correcting you and hopefully DS or DIL will have a quiet word with them especially as your DIL winced.

I can also understand your discomfort at the social differences but there isn't a lot you can do about it. At least they are charming and warm people so it could be much worse.

The grandchildren gravitating towards DIL's family has nothing to do with money or class but is the norm in most family set ups I'm afraid. A son is a son until he takes a wife and all that.

one of the main social class differences is expensive education. If your in law in all seriousness pulled you up about your non-u vocabulary, then it's your inlaw who is the lower class.
Money does not equal social class when people like each other, however educational level must be compatible enough.

knowing in my heart we will never measure up to her family in generosity

Generosity isn't just about money, Silverberry. Don't undervalue yourself 💐

My husband had clients who I would describe as pretty damn posh, old money, educated at top notch public schools, that we would meet up with socially occasionally, and he probably only introduced me to those who also became friends along the way. Having being primed on their background before we met, I remember feeling a bit nervous, but I can honestly say they were some of the most easy going and genuinely nice people I had the pleasure of spending time with and even before the wine flowed, any nervousness instantly evaporated. The one thing that struck me about them is that very thing, they had the ability to instantly make guests feel relaxed. These were people who just didn't stand on ceremony, I particularly remember one such client, a lovely man, lovely wife, the family lived in a huge Georgian pile, we sat around having a wonderful lunch at an enormous old battered pine table in the kitchen, he had holes in his jumper, elbows on the table, used a tooth pick intermittently, frequently told the young children of the house when they ran through the kitchen playing some game or other " look can you bugger off!" Of course they didn't take any notice. Highly intelligent ENT consultant. My husband had a few clients like that they tended to be on the eccentric spectrum and somewhat off the wall, but oh so nice, well those were the ones I met. Like every demographic they almost certainly had ones that weren't so pleasant, but I didn't get to meet them.

Please don't beat yourself up about this Silverberry, you've obviously brought your son up well and given him wings to fly. For that you can rightly be proud 😊

Are you from different areas of the country to your son's in-laws? That could explain some of the language differences. If so you could explain that to your grandchildren, widen their horizons a bit!
In any case your granddaughter obviously hasn't had the "it's rude to correct people's speech" lesson at her private school yet, your daughter-in-law must have been so embarrassed by her lack of manners 🤨

You can never compete with the in-laws where money is concerned so don't even try. They won't expect it.
Small, local, good quality gifts would be my recommendation as well.
To thine own self be true.

Nothing you have written seems to show that your DIL’s family look down upon you. Her family and your family do things differently, that’s all. You’ve no need to ‘measure up’ to your DIL’s family, she chose your son as the person she wanted to marry and have a family with!

If anything, her family is the one lacking in manners in that someone who is truly posh would never point out the use of a so-called non-U term.

You cannot change the situation so you have to work on changing your attitude and stop comparing yourself to others.

There are always going to be others that are in a different situation to you, it does not make them better or worse.

I am sure you do not feel superior to those that you would consider financially or socially not on your level.

No-one should judge another person on how much money they have. Best to judge people on qualities such as kindness, gentleness,compassion and awareness of others needs. Far more important

I can give some gift advice - buy artisan food products, small batch local alcohol, and handmade crafts as presents for your DiL, and seek out the more wacky stocking fillers for your grandchildren (peashooters, fart cushions, flipping fish etc. that they can have fun with, and you can too). Something edible and/or unusual always goes down well with adults, cost is unimportant. I think if you lighten up and stop worrying you’ll be much happier, and have some fun with your family.

As long as you don't say toilet, because that would upset them because the Royal family always say Lavatory.

Be grateful that your son has married into money instead of having to scrimp and scrape like many people's sons and daughters. You did this, sending him to Oxford because if he had not gone there perhaps he would not be in the fantastic position he is in now. I would be over the moon for him, as long as they are happy, then so should you.

This completely sounds like a you problem...

You really need to stop overthinking it

Love is free

Have you noticed the difference between Zara Tindell and her husband in terms of original wealth. It hasn't apparently affected the relationship between the Princess Royal and the other MIL.. and it certainly hasn't affected their marriage...you can see how happy they are.. they are all family now.. as are you.. Just be yourself ... we are all uniquely special in our own way..

The problem is all in your head, not your daughter in laws.
A footstool is a strange present to buy for someone you obviously don’t know very well.

You don’t know how very lucky you are to have children who are not divorced/divorcing. I would thank your lucky stars that your son seems to have found the perfect soul mate - long may it last.
The trend now in modern life is to have low tolerance and very little give and take or so it seems to me …. Perhaps having real wealth in your dil’s family has contributed to higher contentment and security? Long may the relationship thrive!

Callistemon21

Well, I don't like the word 'sofa' so I shall continue to use the word settee.

Sorry, Nancy Mitford

Hope this helps:
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/3qF356d7d2D6h98CdCWxf8z/ten-words-that-prove-you-arent-posh

I don’t use any of the words on that BBC list, so I must be posh!

Inverted snobbery Silverberry your daughter in law comes from a different background. No rights or wrongs just different. Accept the differences and be happy your son has found someone he loves.
As Shelflife said be true to yourself and stop worrying.

Settee = sofa

Lounge = sitting room or drawing room (comes from the old fashioned "withdrawing room" away from the public entertaining rooms in great houses.

Part of my study of historic costume led me to study etiquette. I even learned to curtsy correctly when I did amateur dramatics.

Your DiL sounds lovely and she obviously has a lot of great qualities and your son loves her - What’s not to like? Don’t buy her presents which may not be to her taste - always difficult to judge. Maybe ask your DS for suggestions - it doesn’t have to be expensive - her favourite hand cream, for example? There’s no point in beating yourself up - be happy for them !

Well, I don't like the word 'sofa' so I shall continue to use the word settee.

Sorry, Nancy Mitford

Hope this helps:
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/3qF356d7d2D6h98CdCWxf8z/ten-words-that-prove-you-arent-posh

Just checking the date of your post, yes, 2023 not 1923 or 1823!

Be yourselves- anybody who is so snooty as to judge people because they say “settee” instead of “sofa” or “lounge” instead of “sitting room “ is still in the Dark Ages . This is no longer the U and Non-U world of Nancy Mitford. Remember how the Princess of Wales’s mother had to put up with “Doors to manual” when Kate was courting Prince William? She rose above it and didn’t let herself be put down.
Don’t apologise or cringe or blush. Your DIL chose your son and he is the product of your upbringing.

well you better keep reading U and non-U terms, and see what will come up next.

Chaise longue and drawing room

settee and lounge ?? really, in one sentence ?

Your son's in laws seem to be lovely people who like you. Don't try to measure up , just accept the differences and rejoice in your son and his family. Be true to your self and stop worrying! Good luck.