Support for grandparents who have children and grandchildren living abroad

My son emigrated 24 years ago this year. .
Yes we visited and he (sometimes they) us. He married a local girls, had two boys, got divorced.
It’s become more difficult in recent years though. I lost my husband and it’s not the same travelling to the other side of the world and “fitting in” alone. Then Covid. He remarried during lockdown, someone who also has two boys. So busy, busy household with two lots of co parenting, high pressured jobs etc. Since then I haven’t visited. Grandchildren now teenagers, never hear from them (believe me I’ve tried my best not to just get one word answered conversations. Son has visited UK for work a few times and manages brief meet ups. Last year he brought his wife for a two week holiday but toured. No accompanying grandchildren, sadly. FaceTime? Zoom? Need time they haven’t got. Get occasional WhatsApp, mainly photos of holidays.
I have grown to accept it. He’s healthy (have been worrying times),and happy. That’s what is important. I feel proud of all he has achieved and that he was brought up to be so independent.
Doesn’t mean I don’t miss them, I do.
Will be especially hard soon when my daughter and her husband take their two children on their first visit. That hurt that I wasn’t included but, hey, they deserve it and it’s more important for them to keep close. They’ve only met their cousins once when their dad brought them over about six/seven years ago.
I look forward to hearing all about it when they get back.
So enjoy your family at every opportunity, then remember those times

DeeAitch56 I sent my DGS something I'd made for him, with love, and it cost £35 to post to Australia!

As long as they're happy it's fine but it's when they are going through a bad patch and need support that the distance seems insurmountable, particularly with Covid restricting travel and the fact that the thought of long-distance travel as we get older seems more daunting.

Hi
First time poster here
My son, his then partner and only grandchild (1 yr old) moved to France (my daughter in laws home country) eight years ago, which broke my heart, despite me knowing it was the right thing for them to do for their future. At first we were able to afford Friday to Sunday visits every 6 weeks or so, but since Brexit and Covid the cost of flights and transport to the airport have become more prohibitive
We get regular FaceTime calls from the grandchildren which is brilliant but not the same as a physical hug. I started sewing and making clothes for the girls (yes there’s now two of them) which lets me feel more involved in their lives and they like receiving gifts from us, but that have got more stressful because of Brexit as we now have to fill in customs forms in triplicate and still have to pay import taxes at their end doable but so frustrating
I have also sent the odd little treat (craft stuff mainly) via the Temu France website which doesn’t incur taxes but would love to know what other grandparents do to keep the connection alive over the miles
Thanks for having me
Dee

Maddyone - you must be a mind reader, there must be loads of us out there in similar situations and have the same feelings that need to be shared. Our daughter went to Australia in 2011 for a sixth month stay, she was struggling to make a life in the UK. It was a very brave step to take, she loves being there, has a good job, found a really great chap and has become an Australian citizen. I found her deciding not to return home heart wrenching but her happiness is the most important thing for us. She has been back to visit us and we have met her partner. Her brother decided to move back home with his girlfriend, her parents do not live in the UK. They married, we now have two grandchildren aged 4 and 18 months and we all live together, we share child care and apart from having them 24/7 I have sole charge of the pair of them 2 days a week. I have a very strong bond with them. Our daughter had planned to marry said chap but COVID got in way, also was desperate to have a baby, she has had a lot of gynaecological problems, through IVF they on their last chance they have conceived, baby is due in two weeks. It would have been wonderful for me to have seen her through this pregnancy and meet the newborn but it has not been possible for various reasons. How hard must it be for her to see us through video calls with the GC's, she has never shown it and is always so loving and generous towards us all. We all keep her in the loop and she likewise to us. We are all very lucky to have good relationships but there is not doubt it is very hard and takes a lot of thought and consideration as non face to face communication can easily be misinterpreted. I think of her when I wake and before I go to sleep each and every day. I am trying to knit a cardigan for the baby, which I know she will love however amateur it is - hence Terribull my rather overambitious attempt at the 2004 Book Challenge I am looking forward to reading more posts. Bye the way has anyone had any experience with Moment Garden?? or similar

NotSpaghetti

I think trying to do even just one trip is really helpful in understanding their lives.
Once you have seen how and where they live I think the distance is easier to cope with.

What I hate is people saying blithely "oh what great holidays you'll have!"
If I wanted a great holiday it would not be to where my adult children have chosen to live!

I do love going there and they live in an amazing part of the world but the journey to Australia feels more daunting as we age and yes, it would be good to visit lots of other places I feel I've missed out on over the years.

Thank you for understanding how emotionally hard this is! I apologize for another very long post but I have no one else to talk to who understands. I hope you can bear with me.

My husband is grieving too and can hardly deal with his own feelings of loss, much less talk about them too much. He's a good man and a comfort though so I am very fortunate even if he can't verbally share that much at the moment. I'm sure he will talk more as we figure out how to deal with being such long distance grandparents.

I think our emotions are so strong because we just got back from our trip. I hope they get better with time .

I too have well meaning friends and family who say cheerfully "Just spend holidays together!" --- which comes from their own endearing experiences with grandkids on birthdays and Xmas, etc. But they have absolutely no idea how extremely hard it is to do international travel during holidays. Plus we now realize that traveling to AU may be too much for us at our age anytime of the year. By the time we can save up for it again I'll be in my late 70s. So we're considering Hawaii instead and hopefully that'll be better bar any unexpected illness (thinking of your situation Polomint)

We share short bits and pieces of birthdays and holidays over WhatsApp but with very active boys aged 3 and 6 who don't want to sit still, the time actually with them on these calls is short. We do weekly calls too. My hope is when they get older they'll actually sit still enough for better interaction with us on video calls.

I think video calls aren't that real for them yet so they don't engage as well as in-person.

During our visit there were times when the boys sat still and enjoyed reading books. We played games with them and shared meals and outdoor sports. It was magical and precious.

I'm extremely thankful we got to see their daily life in AU but now I also know what I'm missing out on too.

I'm so sorry that traveling is hard for you now, Polomint. And I agree that our kids forget or don't realize that we're aging and may not be able to see them like before. I'm sure my son feels this way. Although he did express gratitude that we made the long trip.

I know that with time my husband and I will adjust. He's feeling loss too because he had always hoped they'd live close enough so the grandsons could go fishing and camp and play sports with him regularly. Now it's looking like it's going to be very short visits meeting up in Hawaii or when they fly to Oregon for 2 weeks every couple of years.

I’m a newbie to Gransnet with a 20 month old (only) granddaughter in Australia. Our 2 boys have both emigrated there with their wives and live in Melbourne and Perth. Not too convenient when we’re lucky enough to visit! We’ve just spent a very precious 5 weeks over Christmas and New Year with them all and realising (again) how difficult this long distance grand parenting relationship really is. They are all very settled and happy in their new lives and that is reassuring for us both but doesn’t make the emotional wrench we feel when we leave them any easier. We love them all dearly and miss them but as good as video calling is, nothing can beat an actual physical hug for them all.
Thanks for starting this thread, it’s reassuring to know that we’ll never be the only ones!

Yes that's the bit that gets to me. I want to actually there on a normal family day with them. I want to see my daughters house, my grandsons house, my grandaughters house. I want to see the place they work, how far is it from their homes. I just want to sit and watch my family. Then after all that, I might be able to slot it into my head. They all like Canada

I think trying to do even just one trip is really helpful in understanding their lives.
Once you have seen how and where they live I think the distance is easier to cope with.

What I hate is people saying blithely "oh what great holidays you'll have!"
If I wanted a great holiday it would not be to where my adult children have chosen to live!

Hi bella3092 I'm glad you did manage to get to Australia to visit your family. I don't think when the children emigrate they don't think that the parents will get older and find the travelling to see them very hard. They think we stay the same age. I know my daughter thought we would be flying to Canada often as she was used to us going on holiday often to Europe and taking cruises etc. Then my husbands health took a turn for the worse and I find myself in a catch 22 position. Whether to leave him here and go visit her or just not go. Thankfully she comes over to see us once a year and spent 6 weeks with us when her dad was really ill. I guess we are reasonably lucky that Canada is only 6 hours flight away from the UK instead of at least 12 hours to Australia. Our first great grandchild was 10 months before we met her but we are so lucky that we did

Thank you so much for starting this thread, maddyone!! Looking forward to hearing all about your trip. We just got back from our first AU trip to see our son and his family. We were going to visit after they first moved there but the pandemic made us wait 4 years which was unbelievably frustrating. During that time our 2nd grandson was born and we couldn't wait to finally hug him! Our 2 week visit was everything I hoped for but it was also bittersweet.

I was not prepared to feel that - the feeling of both joy and sadness at the same time. I am VERY happy to see that they are happy but I'm also now fully aware of what I'm missing!!

Sorry but WhatsApp is just not the same at all - you "see" them but it's one dimensional. The experience of being there in person is so different. I must admit I'm jealous of my friends and family who see their kids and grandkids in-person regularly and some daily. I'm trying to get over feelings of sadness knowing I'll only be with my AU family every other year at most and I'm also dealing with feelings of jealousy. Both emotions are not normal for me because I'm usually a "glass half full" person.

I also want to comment on how hard it is to travel to AU from the USA. I'm 73 and I was shocked how different airline travel is now - how complicated it is compared to even 15 years ago. The airports are crowded, especially international terminals. Flights are constantly being delayed or cancelled. There's this frenetic rush to make flights on time and god forbid you have to make changes on the way (a nightmare). Due to overcrowding I found myself sitting on the floor more than once while waiting for flights. At my age I also have dietary issues and finding decent food to eat was nearly impossible. I lost 8 pounds which was not good for me as I'm already petite.

I'm sharing all of this because it's becoming much more common now for people to marry later in life and then have their kids (my son was 43 when his first child was born) which of course means we're much older too. I'm becoming very aware that long overseas travel may become too hard for me to do much longer. We're on fixed incomes and traveling anything other than economy class is impossible. Some well intentioned family members (who are wealthy) keep saying how great it is to travel overseas but they go first class which is a totally different experience.

After making our first trip to AU (which was 29 hours of travel each way including flight changes + layovers and delays) both my husband and I have come to the realization we may not be able to do the AU trip again. Our solution is to hopefully meet halfway and my son is showing interest in that. A blessing for sure!

Hi polomint I know how you feel. My son is in the US and had health problems a few years ago. He was estranged from his partner. My daughter was due to give birth around same time, we had moved cities to be near her family.
I didn’t go to be with him, stayed to help daughter and other child, maybe that was wrong decision. He is well now, has a lovely new partner and life is good.
Not too long to go until you visit hopefully.

I'm still here. Some days are fine emotionally and other days not so good. My grandsons partner is having a hard time just now with ill health in her family. She has full time job and 2 young children and is finding it difficult for someone to look after children while she travels to hospital. That's when I wish I was there to help out a bit

Not planning any visits as yet.
My son will be over here for a "big" birthday though soon 🤞

I haven’t seen any posts on here for a couple of weeks. Is everyone ok? January is a strange month anyway.

19 days and counting I'm on the plane

I hope maddyone is having a great time visiting her family. It will go by in a flash but will have lovely memories to remember. If any other gransnetter are flying away to meet members of their family who have moved abroad, I hope you all have a good time. I'm hoping to go to canada in April or May this year

My son has lived in the US over 20 years now, has a great life. People still ask me if he might come back here. Don't think so but I worry about that country and the chance of Trump getting back in, guns, unrest.

There's always hope isn't there that your children want to return home. Even after my daughter moved to Canada nearly 20 years ago, I still hope they will return. In my head I know they won't but my heart doesn't believe my head

My granddaughter has returned to NZ, but left her heart here in England. She’s missing her cousins and the casual interactions of her extended family. Yesterday her two uncles met up on Dartmoor and the WhatsApp photos’s of her cousins there prompted her to complain to her parents that she should have been with them.

It’s too soon to become hopeful, but methinks that my granddaughter’s yearning to move to the UK may eventually wear her dad down. My daughter would love to move home and live near family, but practically there’s a lot of ducks to get in a row first and now is not a good time to be a nurse in the UK.

silverlining48
Share how you feel. 🌻🌈

The reason I joined Gransnet around eleven years ago was due to an article on long-distance grandparenting which struck a chord.

Our two eldest daughters both left to live in the US , married Americans (DD2 is on husband no 3 🤦🏼‍♀️) and I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as when I saw them off.

Then in 2011, our beloved granddaughter was born so we seemed to be back and forth several times a year. I have also been over many times since DH died eight years ago and thanks to DD1 and 2 I have been able to do several long distance road trips and can see how they have both settled to the way of life there (would not want to live there myself though).

DD1 works in Washington DC and is a diagnostic radiographer, DD2 lives nowhere near her sister in Palm Beach Florida where she works for a busy dental surgeon. Her daughter, my beloved DGD, will turn 13 next month and it breaks my heart to be missing out on so much of her growing up as we have always had a close bond.

I hope she can come to visit us in Malta this year. She lived here for three and a half years when her parents split up and I loved every minute of having her here, plus my DH adored her and got to spend lots of happy times with her before he died.
She helped me to cope with his loss as I looked after her a lot while DD2 was at work.

Like some of you have said, we did bring our children up to spread their wings if they wanted to and I’m proud of them for having the courage to do it. I still have DD3 and DS here in Malta plus twin grandsons who have given me a new lease of life.

I’ll always miss my girls but just have to accept it.

Lovely thread and much needed … we left our adult son in ME returning home with daughter and her family after 12 fun years .. Son now married with a baby and it’s so hard not to be as close to her as my other 2 . Both parents work full time so no FaceTime in week . I’ve just spent 2 weeks with her but struggled with there strict sleep routine so unable to go out much so slight cabin fever … I’m sure it’ll improve but oh I do so miss that bond

Silverlining48: Sending hugs for I share your sorrow at times.

As a family, we do Zoom once a week, on a Sunday evening, when we can all join in if we are free and catch up on the week’s news. Have you tried this with your daughter, either via Zoom or via WhatsApp?
Sometimes, we share a meal together( lunch in USA, teatime in UK, aperitif/dinnertime in Europe; sometimes we give support if needed and it always helps everyone feel they are connected. Occasionally, one or two of our 4 have other commitments, sometimes we do , but the slot is always there, opened by our youngest.