Support for grandparents who have children and grandchildren living abroad

silverling

My dd has been away for nearly 20 years unlikely to return.
She was seriously ill a few years ago and I was so grateful she got fast excellent treatment there, but we are a tiny family snd she is still very much missed.

I am acutely aware that we left the UK as young parents and although we came back we could easily have stayed.

My US-born son is fortunate to now benefit from our "adventures" and I am actually very happy for him.
Unfortunately, some days I'm sorry for me but I've noticed that I'm most sorry when I know he's stressed or sick - even though he's "middle aged" now!

He had a major health incident 3 years ago and I was beside myself as no flights because of Covid.
As it happened I think he was treated there better than he would have been treated here - as it was when ambulances were queuing up at hospitals with the sick. He is fortunate in that he has good health insurance. I try to remember that.

Yes it's true we did bring them up to be independant and I'm glad we did. If we pop our clogs now, I know they will manage financially and carry on so I'm proud that my daughter took the decision to leave. She did what she thought was best for her family as I hope we all do

Callistemon and Grammaretto when I realised that there was a possibility my son would stay in the USA, he told me ‘well you told me to go and see the world,’. I said ‘yes, but I thought you would come back!’
He always says that because of him we have travelled all over. He had a year in Sydney, Australia before he started Uni in the States. We travelled within the US visiting girlfriends family.
The overall thought I have is he has a great life, which I couldn’t see him having here.
I actually left the UK aged 25 to go and marry abroad and lived in my husbands country for 2 and a half years. I just had my mother here but she became ill and died the following year. I came back to see her just before she died. My dad died when I was 20.

We felt the same Callistemon pleased that our DC all felt free to travel the world but did we really expect them to choose to live as far away as possible?
It may not be forever he said but that was nearly 20 years ago.
How long is forever?

Sometimes I resent my daughter for going away and making the ones she left here unhappy. Then I feel so guilty thinking like that when I know she and her family have a good life

I encouraged my children to spread their wings, explore new places but then they liked the new places better than here!

grannyactivist

Yesterday we drove to the drop off point at Heathrow and said a quick goodbye - with our daughter’s oldest friend waiting for her inside the terminal. We felt comfortable that she had someone to help with luggage etc. and to have a leisurely coffee with before going through to departures.

It was a seven hour return trip in the most horrendous rain! I think our daughter was so worried about us that it distracted from the whole leaving and flying emotions.

We'll be making that farewell trip next week ☹

Yes some of us cope with the situation better than others. Sometimes I resent my daughter for going away and making the ones she left here unhappy. Then I feel so guilty thinking like that when I know she and her family have a good life. Its difficult at times as I swing back and forward with my feelings. I am not totally accepting she won't come back to stay although deep down I know she won't. It's 17 years since they emigrated and I have mixed feelings. You put a front on when people ask about them when you really want to say its awful . I think no one understands really how we feel until you are in the same situation

This is my story. Our son wanted to study in the US. He got a Masters here , then wanted to go to the US to look at universities, which he did, on his own. He chose a university which he eventually got in to.
Fast forward to present day and 20+ years later, he has a daughter from previous relationship, new partner and new baby. He got a PhD, went on the study law and now works for a law firm.
He has a good life. I miss being part of his life over there. I visited to look after the little girl when she was a baby, but have not seen the new baby as my husband has cancer and can’t travel. Fortunately his new partner is wonderful in sending me photos every day.
His last visit here was in 2021 with his new partner.
I supposed you could say I have got used to it. What definitely helps is to see he is happy. It is that much harder when they are not happy and you just want to give them a hug.
When my son visits here and I see him, I usually cry, and he says you are supposed to cry when I leave not when I arrive!
I hope we can all find this thread helpful, knowing there are quite a few of us in the same boat.

Thank you, Maddyone, for introducing this thread. So many of us seem to be long distance grandparents. I so understand the feelings you express. Wonderful that you are now with your DD and GC in NZ, Maddy. Savour the moments.

Our 7 grandchildren are aged from 17 to 5 but only two live in England, about an hour from us. Those two are much loved, as are the others, but it is true that often, the children of your son, tend to be closer to maternal grandparents. That is the case with us as they spent their early childhood in a shared house with their other grandparents, and we worked when they were younger. We have had much more prominent roles in the lives of our DGC who live several hours’ plane journey from us in two different continents.

That said, for a period of 5/6 years, when 5 of them were born ( virtually one a year), we travelled extensively to both families several times a year, when needed and always spent at least the first 6 weeks helping our DDs.. Despite the geographical distanceUSA & Europe) these DDs and their families all meet up in the summer months in our London home and in our French house. Their, the cousins and siblings meet and catch up.
This past summer, for the first time since Christmas 2019, all seven grandchildren were with us, celebrating all the birthdays of the year in one huge party . It is because of this possibility that we cannot downsize, sensible as that might be. Where would we put them all when they visit if we moved to a smaller property?

Sad as it is that we are not physically involved in their day-to-day lives, we try to be positive: all our children have happy marriages, good family and professional lives and healthy children. We also accept with good grace that we raised them all to be independent , multilingual and world citizens. We also left our own parents and moved far away before they were born.

Thank goodness for technology. Our own parents did not have that luxury. Also, love and support is possible, even long distance!
What will the future bring when there is only one of us left? Big decisions, big changes, but for the moment, we live for the present and are grateful for what we do have, even if at times, we wish we could just pop round to attend a grandchild’s cello recital or football match!

Yesterday we drove to the drop off point at Heathrow and said a quick goodbye - with our daughter’s oldest friend waiting for her inside the terminal. We felt comfortable that she had someone to help with luggage etc. and to have a leisurely coffee with before going through to departures.

It was a seven hour return trip in the most horrendous rain! I think our daughter was so worried about us that it distracted from the whole leaving and flying emotions.

Yes hopefully I will get to visit Canada sometime

Polomint - I do think it helps knowing their home & where they are. Happily we have visited both daughters homes .So I can see them in my minds eye. I hope you get to see your daughters home soon x

We moved house and so did our son during the pandemic, Polomint. It was weird that neither of us had been to each others houses. Our son had been in his ‘new’ house almost three years before we saw it and he hasn’t been to ours yet, although hopes to visit this year.

Notspaghetti I agree about avoiding airport farewells. It’s not always possible to do so but we’ve done things like go for a last coffee/meal somewhere and say our goodbyes there. The parents, if we’ve been to them, try to have something lined up for the GC to do straight away, to take their minds off it, the cinema or some other amusement.

I don't recommend seeing them off at the airport, personally.

Easier for them if you don't go I feel.
We always have a quick call as they are getting seated on the plane.

Oh yes we have done that several times. Amazing that technology nowadays allows us to be able to do that

Do you use FaceTime? She could show you around her home while videoing.

I am curious as to how others feel or then again, maybe you have all visited their homes so don't feel as I do

I've only visited my daughter once since she left due to ill health. She was in rented accommodation at the time but has now managed to buy her own house. That's a wee niggle I have in my mind but I really would like to see her home in person. I've plenty photos and videos of it so many a time I picture her moving around her kitchen and adults conversing in living room etc. It's just one of the things I miss, not seeing how my daughter lives. I know I'm lucky that she sends me photos of renovations etc to give me a fair idea of her home

I have my brother and nieces nearby - so very grateful for that . I lost my sister early 2023 also some close friends . In a few days I’ll be fine - it’s thar awful emotional fall off the cliff when they leave. I just feel happy when there all around - but it’s not to be . Thx anyway xx

Enjoy your time with the family, Maddyone! Xx

It can indeed be depressing to think too far into the future. I try to push those thoughts out of my mind and concentrate on the prospect of the next trip. No point in trying to cross those bridges before we get to them, I tell myself.

I also feel like that sometimes. Once a negative thought comes into your head more follow and then it's doom and gloom. It's so very hard to be positive at times. My daughter and her family are happy in Canada and that's what matters. It's the way of life. We bring children up to be independent and then get annoyed when they are so independent that they can leave us! I'm do sorry your 2nd daughter has moved abroad too but at least Sweden is much easier to visit. Do you have family here with you?

I’m so grateful that a thread like this has been started. Both my daughters live abroad now and GC. My youngest daughter has lived in Canada for 12 years or more. Then after Brexit ( the gift that never stops taking ) my eldest daughter & family left the U.K. for Sweden . It was such a wrench when they went too . Happily they both are well and doing well. But I feel like I don’t have a purpose / just trying to find a way of living for myself not defining myself through them. They have all been home for Christmas so there have been 10 of us around and about the house . They all left yesterday and I feel like the inside of my stomach has been ripped out . Feeling the loss all over again..
Financially I worry how long we can go on visiting them both - and stay relevant to our GC as they grow . So sad today

maddyone - glad you made it to NZ, enjoy your stay.

My daughter and 8 year old granddaughter have been on a visit home since early December and will be returning to NZ in a couple of days. Our NZ girl has two older cousins and four younger ones in the UK and it’s been a joy to see how readily she’s been accepted - the others are quite a close knit little group, but from day one they’ve had great fun being together.

Today our granddaughter became a little upset at the prospect of leaving us and I fully expect floods of tears at the airport, but she’ll have wonderful memories (and oh so many photographs) to look back on. I (bravely) resisted the urge to tell her to nag her parents to return to the UK and instead reassured her that there are many more holiday opportunities ahead. Sadly I don’t think I can make the journey again, so I'm reliant on them continuing to come to visit the UK.