Feeling ambivalent

1summer

My granddaughter is 3 years old and I love her to bits, although I love my own two children and I am very close to them I have never been maternal.
I worked all the time when they were growing up and they have happy memories of grandparents, childminders and nurseries.
When granddaughter was born I was worried about the pressure I might feel about being asked to look after her. Her other Grandma was for many years a Nursery Nurse (a job I would have hated) so thought she would do more childcare than me.
It hasn’t quite worked out like that as other Grandma is more of a fish finger/burger and chips cook with lots of cakes and biscuits. And I only cook her healthy meals full of veg which she readily eats, I also drive and take her to playgroups, parks softplay etc. So daughter prefers me to look after her.
I did say that I would only do it 2 days a week, this is soon coming to an end as she will go to a school nursery but… daughter just announced she is having another baby.
I must admit that although will welcome a new grandchild I know I will be back doing childcare and it’s so tiring.

Totally get that you aren't up for all the same Nanny duties the second time around. I think it is perfectly fine to tell you daughter up front and soon, that you will not be able to keep the baby on a regular basis as you did with the first one.

I had to tell my daughter after her second one that I wasn't going to continue to watch her children while she took weeks long vacations several times a year. I was keeping her children for weeks at a time at her house. I was feeling very used.

At first, she didn't take it too well, but I have stuck to my guns and see them when I want and when they have time.

I admire the honesty of some of the grandmas here.

I'm so heartily glad I am not and never likely to be a grandparent. I have a busy life that I enjoy which babies or young children simply would not enhance. So many of my friends' lives revolve around their grandchildren in every way. They seem genuinely unable to talk about anything else and are bogged down with childcare commitments. It just complicates life at a time when things should, in many ways, be less hassle.

Obviously I would feel love towards a grandchild if one existed but I am much more content to be grandchild free.

I was at odds and ends when my daughter called me and wailed, "I'm pregnant! How did this happen?" I reminded her that I had told her back when she was 10 "how this happened". She wasn't amused. I wasn't unhappy, but a little thrown for a loop because I had thought I'd have a few years to concentrate on me, me, me for a while.

She was married and settled down, with plans to have their first child 3-5 years later when she had finished her advanced degrees. Well, if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans. My husband and I were getting ready to move out of town for a few years, but I wasn't going to leave a pregnant daughter and a grandchild, so those plans got scrapped.

My granddaughter was actually born into my hands. Doctor asked, "Who wants to catch?" and nobody else seemed to want to, so I gloved and gowned up and whoosh! there I am holding a bloody, squalling little girl.

Well, that was it! We have always been very close. 32 years later, she's the mother of two little girls and I'm extremely involved with those ones, too. A lot more tired, but still there.

It is very odd seeing your adult child become a responsible parent - took me a while to adjust to that.
I hope you enjoy your Gson as much as I enjoy my Gchn - they're terrific, and a great excuse to be 'silly'!

Don't beat yourself up about your feelings. There is nothing wrong with them. Don't feel pressured either. As much as I love grandparent support (emotionally), I don't particularly care for this new trend of parents deciding to have children knowing full well they'd have to lean on others who didn't conceive the child. Good news is they are on the other side of the country so they will have already planned to be independent. Take life one day at a time. Maybe you'll get all excited when the baby comes. Either way, nothing to feel guilty about. You'll love your grandchild no matter what. I am sure of that.

Lovely news. I was pleased when my daughter became pregnant but not overly excited, however as soon as I saw my grandson I was overwhelmed with love and was surprised at the strength of my feelings, be prepared to be a blubbering mess when you see your grandson for the first time.

Just wanted to say ..... my daughter had a bit of a scare at 35 weeks, and the grandparental hormones kicked in with a vengeance! Such a relief...

And now he's had the baby, a little boy, yesterday, and I cannot WAIT to see him this weekend!

Thanks to everyone for reassuring me I wasn't abnormal or a dreadful person!!

My children and grandchildren are part of my life not all of it.

Loved being a Mum. Had six within seven and a half years (including one set of twins and one long term fostered from babyhood). Yes problems, mainly financial,bujt always knew how much I was enjoying it.
Through all the different stages and it was even better as they became adults. As they got together with partners I was slightly resentful as I went down the pecking order. The last thing I wanted was g.children - pushing me even further down!!!

But those g.children came - I was more than ambivalent at first!!! But all were wanted and their arrival made my children happy - and anything that made them happy had to be welcome to me.

So now eight g.children age range of 11 years to 23 years. One that I did largely co-parent in the earlier years. Do I love them - well, TBH not as much as I love my own children, but can extend my bubble of love to include them as they are a part of my beloved adult children (only five of which are around now). My son and his wife decided not to have children and do love visiting them with no complications - but then worry as to whether they will regret that decision as they grow older.

The one I did help with does hold a special part of my heart and has grown up to be such a wonderful person.

Had none of my children wanted to have their children I would have been perfectly happy, but when I saw the heartache that one had with five miscarriages before she went on to have her two daughters, I can only welcome and enjoy.

I still find those people who say that their grand children are the most wonderful thing that ever happened to them a little strange - cannot really comprehend anyone having anything more wonderful than their own children,. But each to their own

So to the OP you may remain ambivalent, you may see the baby and completely melt into being a totally engrossed g.parent, or you may end up somewhere between. Does not really matter

Please, please do not feel guilty. Why we as women feel guilty when we don't immediately have that, "maternal" feeling is a mystery. I too was ambivalent, even about motherhood. I absolutely was thrilled with my first grandchild. It is like you get to do a do-over of motherhood, but I was lucky in that I actually got to be a grandmother and not a caretaker. I think that the main thing to remember here, is it is okay one way or another, if you meet that grandbaby and magic happens that is wonderful. Enjoy it, engage in it, but it is alright to still be YOU and continue to enjoy your own wonderful life, and if for some reason you don't experience that "enthrallment" that is perfectly fine, we are not, as women, all "natural" maternal beings and that is fine. To me, our obligations as a mother do hold, maternal feelings or not, you have a child, you love it and raise them selflessly, but Grandchildren, are not our responsibility to raise, Grandchildren are ours to choose to enjoy and engage with, they are a choice. Don't get me wrong, I strongly feel it is important to let them always know you love them, but that does not mean you have to make them your life. Keep your hobbies and the life you enjoy and if you have room in that life or choose to include the grandchildren, but DO NOT LET OTHERS MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT FEELING< "MATERNAL". When we reach grandparent age we are entitled to live the life we want.

There are a lot of expectations of grandparents now, don't let that faze you GruntingGrandma. Not everyone feels instant love for babies and not everyone wants or is able to take on a caring role. Take things gradually and support your daughter in whichever way is best for you both. Don't let unrealistic expectations spoil things for you. Good luck.

GruntingGrandma

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I'm not the only reluctant grandma!

I think part of the problem is I live so far away, it's a 4hr drive so it's not like I can pop in for an hour or babysit for an evening - any trip to see them will need to be overnight. it's complicated by the fact that I have dogs and I'm not able to take them with me (allergies). My other adult child lives with me but travels a lot, so I may need to make arrangements for someone to walk them or for overnight kennels etc. I've already been accused of prioritising my pets over my pending grandchild but it's more the practicalities that are an issue. And as I am effectively the only grandparent and there is no other family close to my DD, that's what's putting the pressure on me. I have no intentions of offering long term regular childcare beyond the first couple of months - I work part time plus am self employed so simply don't have the capacity to do that!

Anyway, I'm sure when the baby is here I will fall in love with them, and all this will have been worry for nothing

We live close - still don't childmind, these are their children care for, except emergencies. We've many hours of necessary pet care daily and worker cooking - our priorities. I'd be upset if they pressured us about their choices.

I was pregnant with our third daughter when eldest daughter was pregnant. No excitement at all. Love all our GC to bits. It will happen

That is the least of my concerns - I'm mid fifties and generally fit and in good health!

Well it will be a year before you have to run after the little one so you could gently up your fitness if you are worried about it

GruntingGrandma we live a 4 hour drive from our grandchildren and DH is the only grandfather and all visits are overnight and we have never offered any long-term childcare, nor been expected to supply it. We have once or twice responded to an emergency (our DGC are mid teens now), but our DS and wife never expected us to provide childcare and we never offered any, except in limited circumstances.

Pets are a problem, my mother had cats - and I sometimes felt they were more important thanus, but I did understand that the problems were logistic more than anything. We do not have animals, so it ha never been a problem for us.

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I'm not the only reluctant grandma!

I think part of the problem is I live so far away, it's a 4hr drive so it's not like I can pop in for an hour or babysit for an evening - any trip to see them will need to be overnight. it's complicated by the fact that I have dogs and I'm not able to take them with me (allergies). My other adult child lives with me but travels a lot, so I may need to make arrangements for someone to walk them or for overnight kennels etc. I've already been accused of prioritising my pets over my pending grandchild but it's more the practicalities that are an issue. And as I am effectively the only grandparent and there is no other family close to my DD, that's what's putting the pressure on me. I have no intentions of offering long term regular childcare beyond the first couple of months - I work part time plus am self employed so simply don't have the capacity to do that!

Anyway, I'm sure when the baby is here I will fall in love with them, and all this will have been worry for nothing

crazyH

Gruntinggrandma - I can assure you, wait till you see her - it will be love at first sight. Good luck !

I didn’t feel any instant love for my granddaughter. It can make one feel very inadequate when this is the expected norm. It just doesn’t always happen. I loved my 3 children instantly but to be honest I have never really felt it for her.

I am granny to two girls and played a big part in their lives from the moment they were born.
I have a great social life and am very active so my involvement was not taken for granted but I loved every minute of it.
The eldest is now at University and the youngest who used to call a lot after school has now moved on to college, not near me, so I don't see much of them now.
Oh, how I miss them. I just think your time whilst they are little is precious and limited so make the best of it while you can.
Living on the other side of the country, surely you cannot be expected to do too much but I would say enjoy it while you can.
Good luck and and I hope you will find as much pleasure as I have.

I was decidedly reluctant/disinterested in having C or GC. (The things we do for love!). However Mother Nature did her thing and completely transformed my foolish heart with the gift of 2C & 2GC. Don't see as much of any of them as I'd like to but I'm so aware of how fortunate I am.

I think that all of your apprehension will vanish when the baby is born. The fact that you are feeling the anxiety in the first place tells me you are a good natured and responsible person and as such you will come to the realisation that you have done a great job in bringing your own kids up and as such your grand child will be lucky to have whatever input you have to their life

My SIL claimed that having GC would not change her life. Needless to say, she was wrong and is extremely involved now. I think her statement was defensive because her daughter initially had some problems with conceiving and bearing a child. After the first one, the second arrived, unplanned, with no problems at all.

Offer specific planned dates if parents want to go out occasionally. But I would not advise offering a regular day or more each week...I came to realise before no.1 arrived that this would be a huge commitment especially if parents are at work and relying on you to be there on those days each week. It is lovely to spend time with my 5 GC ( 3 different families) but wouldn't want it to become a chore or stop me holidaying etc. I don't think this is in any way selfish !

When my DD2 finally became pregnant, all I could say was - about time!! She was 38. I'd given up hoper of having GC and saw myself as grandma to 2 cats and 2 dogs!! My GS was adorable, tiny and had Down syndrome ( he's now 10 and very mischievous). DD1 finally presented me with a DGD when she was 43. I am b beyond happy with my two GC, but wish I'd had them 10 years earlier when I would have had more energy to deal with them!