Competitive other grandma

When my GD was born the other grandma said "she's your first but she's my eighth don't worry I won't compete" - lovely thing to say which settled my mind. I get the majority of the baby-sitting and holidays so I know that I am very fortunate.

I think the other grandma is being judged harshly.
We definitely spend more on all of our grandchildren than their other grandparents, we help out with paying for activities and holidays. I take them on clothes shopping trips, but I also spend more time with them.
It’s not a competition, two sets of grandparents are almost certainly better off than us, but are quite careful with their spending, one grandma is on a very tight budget, and does what she can afford.
I am not overbearing, and I see no earthly reason why I shouldn’t spoil my grandchildren just because others won’t/cant.
Just to add, I never do anything without running it past my daughter and son in law.

𝐀𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝟏𝟎𝟎% 𝐛𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐱

This is some of the wisest advice I’ve ever read on Gransnet. Some of your posts brought tears to my eyes as I visualized the lovely closeness you all describe to our beloved grandchildren, and importance of time spent, and always remembered, with them. It is so true that gifts and money are not so important. Both my adult children’s’ grannys were so different to each other, but remembered by them equally fondly. Great advice on a very frequent worry, well done Gransnetters 👏

@Briget

I have learned that children/grandchildren love having your time and attention - both of which are free.

How many one year olds know the price of anything?

Igonore her. My grandson's other granny was extremely wealthy, gave them lots of money. I had them here for meal, took them to the theatre and days out on a modest pension and gave them lots of love. Guess who they visit frequently, they are fine young men now?

I have had this with my DIL Mother. I was treated like a piece of S¥!t at their wedding. I don't see my Gch often as live far away. Anyway.....
I've come to realise she has very low self esteem, is boring & has no hobbies or personality & can only do domestic stuff. She's a very cold resting Bt€$ face. She has nothing else to offer. Maybe similar

As others have said “don’t try and compete”. We have six children and they have other grandparents, three of them have different grandparents to their sibling. We all have a great but different relationship with the grandchildren and we know they love us and enjoy spending time with us. Just enjoy as much time as you can with them.

I've found that kids make their own minds up. Believevme I've been driven bonkers with this game, even to one child saying it was a competition.
I answered that one straight off.
Activities, quality time, peace, fun ~ be yourself and make memories ~ you have a lifetime x

My SIL mother throws money left right and centre at our GD loads of big money presents, money in envelope at birthdays and Christmas, has to be the 1st to give the presents etc,but has Never taken her anywhere ever. I do not,have never and cannot compete with that. I take her to the cinema, the theatre and out for the day always have and while I'm able always will. In saying that she never really had a close relationship with her son or took him out etc. My daughter and her friends where always out for the day whenever we could. Different strokes for different folks.

I've had this with one of my grandchildren, I handled it like i used to friends or acquaintances in the past, that were compitive by nature, I find it mildly funny/sad tbf, but I just let them get on with it, whatever they threw at said grandchild or family, I'd smile and say 'how lovely' I concentrated on my relationship with said grandchild, and continue to have a lovely relationship with them too.

I recently spent a few days with my family and, when out walking, my grandson (13) and I happened to be walking along side each other. He was telling me about his school and friends etc. and I was listening and contributing as necessary. He said 'I love talking to you grandma'. That was the best compliment and I cherish it.
I would say be there and most of all be a good listener, don't judge or offer advice or opinions unless asked. Have a gentle loving relationship with your grandchildren and you won't go wrong.

So sorry to hear. Have been there myself. Not as a grandparent but as a parent with an overbearing/over generous/too many presents grandmother! It's really tough but just be you. Your offspring will thank you in times to come and so will your grandchild(ren). Kids know when people are being genuine. Mine certainly do now and over the years, sadly, due to the "other" grandparents constant bragging about finances and what they can do with them etc they just see their inheritance! Which of course isn't a good thing either, but that's a product of their big headedness and insecurity!
It ground my gears when they were younger - I'd tell my children they could have a particular you for their birthday as it was more expensive & therefore more of a present than every day thing and grandmother would just go ahead and buy it.

I remember a time in particular when I took my daughter to her her grandparents and the first words she said to grandma? Not hello but.....

"What have you got me.?"

Just keep being the amazing grandma you are.

It's not a contest or a race. It's a lifelong commitment. Everyone brings a slice of pie to the party, and you have an invaluable piece of the pie that others don't have. Trust in what you bring and trust that your grandchildren love you and love spending time with you. So long as everyone's bringing the love and the positivity, that's all they need.

Thankyou for you reply. It definitely brings out feelings I never knew existed.

When I see people who are competitive with relationships like this I actually feel sorry for them. It wreaks of insecurity. To have reached the stage in life where you are simultaneously a grandparent and still so insecure is a sad thing. Ignore it and take pity.

You are right of course exwife that it is up to your son to make sure you have time with the child - but... it is also Briget's responsibility to build a good relationship with her grandchildren mother.

Relationships with the mum, mutual respect and support are surely the key.

I could've written that very same post myself not so long ago. Whilst I never wanted to see it as competing, the other GM certainly made it feel that way, and I don't mind confessing that I had a few upsetting moments.

Fast forward to now, and after deciding to let the other GM get on with being 'World's Best GM', I'm far happier, more content, and have a great relationship with my two little GDs (and also with my DiL, who, incidentally, is far more comfortable in our company than she is with her own parents!).

Now, when we have to be in the company of the other GPs, I just sit back and let them get on with demonstrating what being a hands-on grandparent is all about. They exhaust themselves by racing around after them, pandering to every whim, making sure they're eating, bathing them, putting to bed ... of course, they're far more capable of doing all of this than anyone else, and they NEVER have any problems with the grand children misbehaving, just like their own children were always perfect and never misbehaved! They always take great delight in telling everyone this. Yeah, right!

In fact, I think other GM has now got the message that I won't rise to it, she doesn't impress me, I'm not willing to compete, and she can run herself ragged for all I care. I actually think she's now getting a bit miffed that she does most of the 'work' when we're all together, but that's what she wanted! Yet, GDs still come to me with their books, toys, asking me to play with them, etc.

We may not do the same things with our GDs, or spend the same money, or take to the same places, but our GDs still love coming to us, they love getting messy in the kitchen, and having the paints out (where as other GM likes to keep a tidy house!). And, they always give me big hugs, saying, 'I love you Nannie' ... without any prompting from anyone!

So, I know it's difficult, but do try to ignore the other GM, and just let her get on with what she wants to do. Just smile and nod in the right places. You'll develop your own special things with your GC, and they'll love you just for being you!

If you could afford expensive gifts and holidays you would probably do the same, it doesn’t mean she is trying to compete with you just because she is able to do that.

Children often spend more time with the maternal grandmother, it is up to your son to make sure you have time with the child.

Dont make this into a competition and cause unpleasantness between grandparents, you will not come out the winner.

Give time and love. All children like presents but money is only a thing.
We are a lot better off than our DGCs other grandma. We buy gifts for our grandchildren because we can and like to treat them but it’s never been a competition because it isn’t about buying love. I have never felt that our relationship with our grandchildren was any more important than theirs with their other grandmas.
Ours DGc are grown up now. We have a very loving relationship with them all as do their other grandmas.
The relationship isn’t based on the money we spent but the time we gave to them in playing with them. Entering into their games with them. Thinking up silly but fun things to do. Building tents in the living room with all the cushions. Making ships from cardboard boxes. Blowing bubbles in the park. That’s what makes a relationship not how much you can buy for them.

The other grandmother is only competitive if you let it be a competition.

We don't see some of my grandchildren nearly as much as the other grandparents do, and some we see more, but we have our own lovely relationship with each of them.

These are our precious relationships which are unlike any others and develop gradually...
I feel quite strongly that you need to first be secure in your relationship with your daughter-in-law/son's partner. She is the key to the beginnings of your relationship with your grandchild. If mum is confident that you appreciate all she does, she will come to you and you will support each other. After all, you both love the same people!

I would never opt to go away with the other grandparents.
One other grandmother I'm actually very fond of - but only see at birthday parties and if there's an emergency. No need to compete.

Be quietly confident that you have a different and unique relationship with your grandchild - it isn't borne of gifts... The special thing about my grandmother was our special doll's tea parties (chunky glass tea set kept at Grannies home), making things out of nothing for the doll's house and reading. She read to me and spent hours listening to me read.
I my mind we are still sitting curled up together with a book. ❤️
I really loved her.

Thinking of you.

Ask yourself.. would I actually like to be like the other Nan. If not then just relish your own uniqueness.. your grandaughter certainly will if you remain kind and relaxed..

Just don’t go away with them together again. You just being yourself will be worth it in the end. I had that with my son and his wife. Her mother could be a pain in the butt when we all met up. She had to be the centre of attention. No problem. Let her get on with it. It happens when you are the mam of the son.

Don’t be intimidated by the other gran don’t compare yourself. Just be YOU a loving gran and enjoy the relationship you have with your GC.