Competitive other grandma

My mom was the Grandma that shoveled out money and huge gifts to my daughters. She took them on expensive vacations, paid for cars, proms dresses, clothes. She couldn't be stopped, still can't be stopped and they are in their 30's now!!! Over the top! They do love her to this day.

Their Grandfather on their father's side. Never bought them expensive items, but he loved them and spent time with them and talk with them. He took them to church, and out to eat each Sunday. He had small family parties for them on their birthdays. He attended their school events, and was a stable presence in their life. They loved him so much and my mom was always jealous of him because we always kept the two families separate knowing that my mom would rule the roost if given the chance.

Just do you and stay away as much as possible from her and her antics.

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JustkeepswimmingDonna

A dear friend of mine is having a tough time right now. Her husband is terminally ill and maybe only has a few months to live (he's 59). I want to get her something that will comfort her but I need some ideas. I thought of a big soft cuddly bear (or similar) but obviously she's not 5 anymore so would that seem odd? I've bought her flowers and chocolates already. And she knows I'm here if she needs me. But some ideas for a comforting gift would be lovely.

Having nursed my best friend through cancer help her plan her funeral for 5 months. I was also bought flowers and chocolate and bath care sets but one friend wanted to get something she got a memory book and we wrote stuff in it and took lots of photos my bestie is no longer with us but out of all the things Ive still got that book to look back and remember but she doesn’t need gifts she just needs a hug and told she’s not alone just be there for her when she needs to cry or scream it out.

lol sounds like most of us. I have both types one that favours her older granddaughter and ignores my granddaughter and the other she buys her grandson’s but I don’t buy my grandson I just give him time and do crafts etc and he loves me just the same if he tells me what he’s had bought I just say that is nice lol kids can’t be bought

JustkeepswimmingDonna

A dear friend of mine is having a tough time right now. Her husband is terminally ill and maybe only has a few months to live (he's 59). I want to get her something that will comfort her but I need some ideas. I thought of a big soft cuddly bear (or similar) but obviously she's not 5 anymore so would that seem odd? I've bought her flowers and chocolates already. And she knows I'm here if she needs me. But some ideas for a comforting gift would be lovely.

You need to start a new thread as this is such a different topic to the OP. Go in to Forums and there is a link at top of page to start a new thread

A dear friend of mine is having a tough time right now. Her husband is terminally ill and maybe only has a few months to live (he's 59). I want to get her something that will comfort her but I need some ideas. I thought of a big soft cuddly bear (or similar) but obviously she's not 5 anymore so would that seem odd? I've bought her flowers and chocolates already. And she knows I'm here if she needs me. But some ideas for a comforting gift would be lovely.

Yes it could be my insecurities but I've known this other grandmother for 10 years and have been away with my best friend and her. Sadly she is terribly jealous of that relationship and feels she always has to be asked if we just want to go away together. I have backed away from her this last year as I don't need the negativity in my life. Call it what you like but when you are in the company of the other grandmother and you only get a short time to hold your gc and she just takes over all day then one does feel not good enough

Hi Briget, I am in a similar situation, but I’ve learnt not to compete, it’s just not worth it. My granddaughters are 7 and 5 and they are my sons. I’m not forever splashing cash at them, but have found on occasions that when the other grandma is around GD’s mum will say ask grandma to do whatever and I’ve found that if the other try’s to do it the 5 year old will say not you I mean the other grandma meaning me. I think that is maybe because I spend time doing activities with them and interacting with them more. It’s not about splashing cash about or gifts all the time, to me it’s spending quality time with them, that’s the memories they will remember.

Children become suspicious of adults 'trying too hard'! Even as small children your gd will know there's something 'different' about the other gm. Let time work it's magic. As you say you have a lovely relationship so far, that's a good thing.

Take heart. It’s early days. I felt like that when my GD was born. Her other Nana was an EY teacher while I was more at home with juniors. They lived near her and she is better off than me with huge house in its own grounds. Turns out that she is such a doting Nana that she encourages the children ( we also now have a GS ) to defy parental rules and keep secrets from their parents . They are never allowed to stay overnight at her house but it seems , that a sleepover at mine is used as a reward . Swings & roundabouts.

And I’m not disagreeing with you, I just think that some of you are being a bit small minded, it’s not one thing or the other, let’s all do what we can, and stop stressing about what someone else is doing.

icanhandthemback

*Sara1954*, I don't think anybody is saying that you shouldn't spend money on a child just that other things are equally relationship building so you don't need to compete.

Exactly!

Sara1954, I don't think anybody is saying that you shouldn't spend money on a child just that other things are equally relationship building so you don't need to compete.

No, Sara1954 - I think most of us are saying that we can all bring something to our grandchildren and it doesn't have to be money. That money is useful but it's not everything.

So what are we saying here?
If you can’t afford to spend money on your grandchildren, the other grandparents shouldn’t either, because that’s not fair on you.
You can go on forever about baking and crawling around the floor playing games, but sometimes money is needed for a school trip, holiday clubs need paying for, a trip to a theme park is expensive, so good if grandparents can take them all out for the day.
It’s not scoring points, it’s being practical and helpful.

The "other" grandmother in my life had plenty of money and treated our shared grandchildren as hers exclusively, plying them with money and gifts. I always accepted that I was the least favoured, and got on with it. However, when she sadly died, my eldest grandchild began calling me "Favourite granny" following it up with "I always wanted to call you that, but didn't dare. Now I can!" Her reasoning? That I was always happy to give my time completely to her and her sister and get wholly involved in whatever game/activity they chose to entertain themselves with, including getting out the make-up box and giving me a once-over (bringing Co-Co the Clown to mind!). None of this cost me anything, but it made memories she never forgot. Hang in there, Briget all is not lost!

If I had loads of money to splash about there are things I'd like to buy for my grandchildren - so let's not be down on people who can do that.

I'd like to contribute to a number of things that I can't do... I wouldn't do it to outshine the other grandmother though. I'm sure that's not what most grandparents are doing to be honest.

And it's not a simple time v money equation. Some can do both. Some are too far away to do much "time". Some are still working and so don't actually have the time...

Spot on Karmalady, that’s exactly what I would do. Spending time with someone is the most valuable thing you can give.

I do agree that it's very important to have a good relationship with your son's wife/partner.
The other Nanny and I never compete, she's a very nice woman though we don't have much other than our family in common.
I know that they see more of her than they do of us, I think that this is completely normal as she is her mother and we used to live further away. But my son has said recently, unprompted, that they'd like to see more of us in the future now that we live closer so that will be nice for everyone, I hope.
As it is we're reasonably close to our granchildren and have a comfortable relationship, we've looked after them in their own home so that their parents could go away for a holiday and look forward to them coming to stay with us on their own in the future.

Madgran77

Gifts and holidays given to child:
" Oh how lovely I'm sure ** will enjoy that!" plus serene smile!

And find your own particular little relationship with your grandchild that they can remember....for me many moons ago it was "half an apple and half an orandw" shared with my Nana. Thee days it might be a special game, a lovely colouring book, fun baking, different fun little toys produced, face painting crayons, a particular park to visit....something they love now and other things as they grow and change 💐

Wise advice.

These are the things that children remember ..

Not sure if this is the case for you, but I have noticed with my own grandchildren and friends grandchildren if it is your son's children you often don't get as much time with the grands as the daughter-in-laws family. I noticed it on my own family when I was growing up as well. We spent a lot more time with my moms mom. We had time with the other grandparents just not as often.
So now with my son's boys I make a special effort to spend more time with them.
So I suggest finding something special that you can do with the child that you enjoy. I do crafts and going to play at the park.

the other nana may have lots of disposable income and not see it as competition at all.
in any event it is easier to buy gifts than give time . you can't buy love . just accept there are 2 different sets of nana and no-one is better than the other

65kL
I don’t think your comments came across as anything other than reasonable.
I feel a bit sorry for the other granny, who is unable to defend herself
Everyone brings different things to the party, just get on and try and be friends, be thankful that your family are being treated now and again, surely that’s nice for everyone.

Bad choice of word

Ok. 65. I was taken aback at you calling her out on her 'insecurities*. I may have misunderstood. All good