I'm actually the DIL asking for feedback and advice on my MIL. I posted on Gransnet years ago after my first child was born and received encouraging words and confirmation that it wasn't just new mom anxiety but my Mil's behavior.
I apologize for the length in advance. I had a really great relationship with my MIL before my son was born in 2018. I always tried hard to include my in-laws in updates about my pregnancy and ultrasound pictures. Anything I sent my parents, I sent them too because I was hypersensitive to being fair and treating everyone the same so no one was left out. I encouraged my DH to keep in regular contact as I do with my parents since he's not the best at calling them. We lived over 2 hours away at the time and I invited them to come stay with us on weekends whenever possible and made sure to visit them for a whole day when we were in town every couple months.
I had our first baby in 2018 and he was the first grandchild on both sides. Mil's other two sons are most likely not going to have kids. Some of the behavior included:
- She would hold my son for hours and when he would start crying and reaching for me she would let him cry and not give him to me until I told her to and took him from her arms. When he got old enough to say Mama, he would cry and say my name reaching for me and she would just say "what" like she didn't hear him.
- Constantly compared my son's features and traits to her and her family refusing to acknowledge that he had any traits from me.
- Tried to get my son to say Dada first instead of Mama. She was disappointed when his first word was Mama.
- Asked DH if he could come stay with her and FIL over 2 hours away without asking me. He said "yes eventually but not now." She told me he said she could and I had to tell her I was uncomfortable with that and felt he was too young. He was around 9 months old at the time. Next time she was visiting she says in this playful voice to my son "me and your Grandpa decided that we will wait until you turn one but then you're going to come stay the night with us whether mommy likes it or not. She would let you if she could come but its Grandparents time and you need to get away from Mommy." I told my husband what she said and he texted her that we were not ready for the baby to spend the night anywhere and to stop asking. She got upset and punished DH for standing up for me by not responding to his texts or talking to him for weeks.
- After getting my son up from a long nap, he was fussy and my Mil said to my son "tell your mommy that you did so much better for Grandma when she woke you up this morning then you're doing for your mommy." If I had said that to her she would have got her feelings hurt. So why say it to me, a first time Mom?
- She would be giddy when she made my son smile and she gushed about how sweet it is when my DH interacts but then when I played or made him laugh she would look mad or upset and sometimes tried to get him to ignore me or distract him.
- One time when she came to stay she didn't see my son playing on the floor or in view right when she came in like she normally would and instead of saying hello to me just frantically asked where he was. He was eating a snack in his high chair. She told me later that she thought she might have an actual panic attack when she didn't see him!
- Called herself Mommy to my son once and did not correct herself. When my son accidentally called her mommy when he was asking her something, she answered and did not correct him.
- Told me that her love as a grandmother was stronger than when she was a mother indicating that she loved her grandchild more than her children and her love was greater than mine for my son.
- Constantly referred to him as "my boy" or "my baby." This wouldn't have bothered me if I felt like she respected me as the Mom, I would have considered it a term of endearment but because of the other behavior it seemed more like claiming ownership.
I developed post partum depression after my son was born. We lived 15 hours away from family and moved to 2 hours away when he was 4 months old. When my inlaws came to meet our son 3 weeks after he was born, I felt bad because I knew my Mil was so excited and didn't know when she would see him again due to the distance so I let her hold him all the time, feed him and change him. I started having anxiety and depression because I was hardly getting to hold him that week though I know it was my fault as I allowed it to happen. I would cry in the bathroom. I didn't tell my DH at the time how it was affecting me because I thought I was just being hormonal and didn't want to appear selfish.
So it's safe to say I have resentment of my Mil for that time period. We started seeing family less when I went back to work and enrolled my son in daycare. Then in 2019 we found out I was expecting another baby. Things had improved since we were not having inlaws visit as often. I decided to invite my inlaws to an ultrasound to confirm the gender. I was very certain that it was a girl based on an earlier ultrasound and since my inlaws always wanted a girl but had 3 boys, I thought it would be special for them to attend. As soon as the tech said "it's a girl" and my Mil turned to Fil and said "we finally got our girl" I knew I was in trouble again. First words were not congratulations but staking claim over our daughter. I learned my lesson with my son and was now a more confident Mom so didnt need as much help from my Mom or Mil. We did not have them come stay for extended periods of time just for a weekend here and there. Then we decided to move back to our hometown closer to all our family. That actually helped because we could go visit people and leave after a few hours instead of having extended visitors like when we lived further away.
In 2022, my Fil unexpectedly passed away. Naturally my DH felt that he needed to visit his mom more often to be there for her. I agreed and went with him every Friday to spend the day with her. We both work from home and our company allows us to get off work early on Fridays. For 6 months, we went almost every week. We used to go on afternoon dates or run errands on Fridays since we got off early and the kids were still in daycare. I asked my husband if we could at least have 1 Friday a month for us to get things done or go to lunch together as I felt a commitment of once per week was becoming a hardship and then we were bringing the kids to see her almost every other weekend. He told me to let him know which Friday in advance so he could let her know since she looks forward to our visits. Well, the few times I did that or we had to cancel because I had a doctor appointment she would always make us feel guilty when we came the next week. She would call us strangers and talk about how long its been since we have seen her and how much she missed us. Since my husband was feeling guilty, he no longer seemed interested in dedicating one Friday a month to us and our marriage began to suffer. Fil took care of everything for my Mil, she is extremely codependent and hasn't worked in over 30 years. My husband had to start taking a lot of time off work to take her to the bank, to the doctor, to do her taxes. She could do nothing by herself and even though her other son lives across the street, he wouldn't help and doesn't visit often because his wife doesn't like Mil. My DH began prioritizing his mother's needs as first which initially I understood as she lost her DH. But after 9 months I began to stop going with him every week for my own emotional health and my work started getting busy. I had health issues around this time and was having many appointments that I was scheduling for Friday afternoons so I wouldn't miss work. My DH was disappointed one week when he had to tell his Mom he needed to cancel as we only had one car at the time and I needed it to go to the doctor. I was tired of being made to feel guilty for having health problems and I broke down crying and I let my DH have it. He apologized and understood that he had been putting me and the kids last. He started going 3 times a month during the week to see his mom and we stopped going as often on the weekends.
We bought a new house a few months after that discussion and DH reduced his visits to every other week and was going different days of the week as we had projects to do around the house on Fridays. I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child in October of last year. The same week I found out I was pregnant I ended up getting really sick with a high fever. I was worried about the baby. My DH had made plans the next day to go work from his moms house. He did not want to disappoint her by canceling so had the nerve to ask me to take the kids to school and drop him off at his moms before I went to the doctor which means I would have to pick everyone up as sick as I was since we had one vehicle. I felt hatred in that moment that he cared so little about my well being and our unborn baby. You would think he would have wanted to stay with me to make sure I was ok. I demanded that we go to marriage counseling because by that time I had built up so much resentment against him and his Mom. She had thrown him under the bus on more than one occasion with other family members so they would be mad at him not her, created division between my DH and BIL (they are no longer speaking) and I was angry that she was treating him like this and as a surrogate spouse while he was in turn neglecting his wife. He promised he would do better and attend marriage counseling. I told him that he had unresolved feelings from his father's death and never properly grieved the loss. He also seem to have this huge sense of responsibility for his Mother's happiness and emotional well-being that is neither healthy or sustainable. She told him that our kids are what keep her going which led him to want to take them over there all the time until I stopped that because we were not seeing my parents much or spending time just as our little family.
Almost to the end! I told my husband that we would go to counseling after the holidays once our schedules became less hectic. When we were at MILs on Christmas Eve, my DH took the kids outside since they had finished lunch and it was just me, MIL, her sister and her sister's husband and their son at the dinner table. MIL waits until our conversation is coming to an end so she has full attention, stands up and puts her hand on my shoulder, then loudly says "DIL, where is MY son and OUR kids?" literally putting emphasis on those words. She knew they had just went outside, she wanted to ask that in front of everyone in that manner to mark her territory I guess? It was awkward and I could tell by her sister's face that I was not the only one that felt that way. I am not good at reacting in the moment and typically avoid confrontation so I just said they are somewhere playing outside.
I told my husband later what was said and how she said it. He agreed it was strange and didn't understand what it was about. Well MIL had came over to watch my son a few days before the week of Christmas because he was out of school (my daughter was in daycare because they were not closed) and my DH and I had only taked the week of Christmas off. One of those days, MIL had told me that she had asked my DS if he had been a good boy for Santa to come and he said he had been a bad boy. She was appalled that he thought he was a bad boy. I explained that I had told him his behavior had been bad recently, not that he was a bad boy and that we were working on correcting his behavior. He had been having temper tantrums at home, got put in time out twice in one day at school, his teacher said he wasn't listening well, etc. Overall, hes a very sweet boy but has his moments like most 5 year olds. She still seemed upset that I even addressed the bad behavior. So at Christmas Eve and when we went over shortly after New Years, she was over the top about what a good boy he was. If I even asked him to hand me something or if he shared with his sister, before anyone could tell him thank you or good job, she was loudly saying "Thank you! Oh, you are such a GOOD BOY." Over and over for everything he did. It was ridiculous and my husband even noticed it. I told him why I thought she was doing it and I did not appreciate that she was insinuating I was not a good mother because thats what it felt like she was doing. I thought about these recent issues and realized she was being over the top again just like everytime I'm pregnant. I told my husband that he should say something at least about the awkward thing she said on Christmas Eve because no one else calls our children their kids. My parents say "my grandkids" or just "how are the children?" I have difficult pregnancies that are high risk and go through a lot to have them and since my first post partum period was awful, I am not inclined for her to stake her claim on the children especially since she does not respect me as the Mother. Her whole identity is wrapped up in bring the matriarch and all about her kids since she was a stay at home mom. She has a limited social circle due to being introverted and relies on her sister and my DH and our kids to make her happy.
After telling DH he needed to address the comment made since it was his mother and I have addressed things in the past with my Mom that he did not like. He agreed but I could tell he did not want to talk to her about it. He went over there about 3 weeks ago and worked from her house then told her that I was uncomfortable with what she said. She sent me an apology text and I thanked her for apologizing and that it meant a lot to me that she reached out. She did not respond. For the last couple of weeks she did not text my DH so I guess she is back to punishing him for taking up for me. He texted her once per week with pictures of the kids and to let her know they were both sick. She did respond but did not initiate communication.
Can I please get some thoughts or insight into her behavior? How should I address some of these things moving forward? Am I overreacting at all? I have talked to a couple of friends and they have validated my concerns but a third party perspective is needed. My DH and I are starting counseling soon. I have done my research and found a great office nearby to schedule our first appt.
