Apparent Lack of care shown

Where did NannySue45 go?

8 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 3 oesophagal/stomach cancer. My daughter aged 31 with whom I had been very close seemed to withdraw from me. Needless to say, I was devastated by her attitude. She did visit me when I was in hospital, with her father when I had surgery. When I got the histology results saying that the surgeon had removed all the cancer I told my husband who phoned my daughter who was at work. She was hysterical and crying uncontrollably with relief and had to be sent home from work. So don't always assume that your daughter doesn't care about your husband.

My 3 sons said or did nothing at all when I told them about my bowel cancer scare they never visit or call

Oh I hope your results are good.
It does get wearing, having to manage other peoples' reactions, I know.

I have terminal cancer and my children are always in touch to check how I am. My youngest daughter is the most stressed about it so on one occasion that I was admitted to hospital I told my husband not to tell her. When she found out she was really upset and made me promise not to keep anything from her again. I’m getting my latest CT results on Tuesday but I’m not reminding any of them about it.

Surely its normal to ask how someone, anyone you know, is?
If someone had a bad cold you would ask when you next saw them, or offer help if needed at the time.

depending on the type of cancer many men will die with prostate cancer and not because of prostate cancer. So the daughter may not think that the illness is that serious.

What does DH think about this? Does it bother him? My brother has had prostate cancer for years. It isn't unusual now, thank goodness, to live with it, rather than die from it. As other have said.
When I had breast cancer I didn't expect anyone to make a fuss, though my son was became quite remote although he was much younger.
Family dynamics are very unique though. This is something best sorted by talking to each other I think.

That's why it wouldnt hurt for the children to check every now and then how he is.

Even oncologists can't predict with certainty how things will be.

FranP

1. I do agree with the child denial previously mentioned - daddy is invincible.
2. Prostate cancer comes in many forms, and some older men live with it for decades, so it may well be that she is not realising how serious your DH is.
3. Have you told her how YOU are coping - it must be very hard on you. Talk to her about his prognosis.
4. Do focus on your practical aspects like finances and wills, and if you need her help, or need her to know things, do ask for it

I agree with 2. above from FranP, many forms of prostate cancer are not terminal, men can live with it for many years and may actually die of old age rather than the cancer.
We actually don't know from what the original post said whether or not her husband's cancer is more or less serious. her daughter may well think that it is a less serious form.

My sons never ask about my health, aren't fussed about birthday or anything really. Breaks my heart but what can I do 😥

Thay seems ridiculous to me, but I'm sure they had their reasons.
How sad, though, to go through that in secret.

My FIL died in hospital whilst he was in there for an operation and my MIL had not even told us he was going in.

I shout at everyone of I'm in pain, just in case they haven't noticed.

I live with chronic pain, every day is a struggle, I have rheumatoid arthritis as well as other health issues. I live with my second husband and one of my twin daughter's ( 31 ) my other daughter is a single Mum with 3 children. She never asks me how I am , if I say i'm in pain etc, she ignores that . It's hurtful , I've helped her loads over the years both with my time and financially.

The topic should be spoken about openly not swept under the carpet .. no excuse ...

Four days and NannaSue hasn’t been back

SeaWoozle

I agree with everyone else's comments. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My own dad's health has declined a lot the last couple of years. I can't even begin to imagine a world without him, but don't like to ask because 1. I know the question is 'pointless' because I KNOW how rubbish he feels and 2. he always says the same thing "I'm upright"! I also know that if I ask my Mum, she doesn't like to answer because she's exceptionally stoic, doesn't show her feelings (like myself) and would just say that everything is 'fine' when I know it isn't. I just give her lots of hugs! I've offered to stay with them to take the pressure off Mum, I've offered to take dad out to spend time with him and give Mum a break but he wont do anything without her because she 'knows how to do things' and he feels safe, which I get. They've been married for 50+ years afterall. So all I can do is see them as much as possible and do my best without getting in the way - because they 'have routines, you know!' As their children, having to consider a time when your parents won't be around is just the worst and as time moves on, and my dad (in particular) gets older/more unwell I know that time will come and its unbearable.

I think when your parents die then it can feel like you’re an orphan, no matter what age you are.
It’s the natural order of things tho.Remember they will, hopefully, have led a good and full life.In turn, your children will feel the same about you. Seasons in the sun and all that.

AuntieEleanorsCat

This is a difficult one. Do you have other adult children? Perhaps your daughter is confiding her feelings in them?

You need to sit down and discuss. Easier said than done!

This is also a consideration. I have two daughters and have ALWAYS said to them that they can come to me with any problems but so long as they tell someone then that's fine. As it happens they're best friends.

This is a difficult one. Do you have other adult children? Perhaps your daughter is confiding her feelings in them?

You need to sit down and discuss. Easier said than done!

We use WhatsApp to inform the children of ‘stuff’ yet they worry about not being told. If we’re quiet for a while they worry but don’t say.
So I tell them about most things.
I think you having a WhatsApp would be helpful to the children and you too!

1. I do agree with the child denial previously mentioned - daddy is invincible.
2. Prostate cancer comes in many forms, and some older men live with it for decades, so it may well be that she is not realising how serious your DH is.
3. Have you told her how YOU are coping - it must be very hard on you. Talk to her about his prognosis.
4. Do focus on your practical aspects like finances and wills, and if you need her help, or need her to know things, do ask for it

Ydoc

This is something i hear over and over. I do believe they are wrapoed up in their own world, many are definitely not concerned with parents. No matter how busy i was my mum was always my concern. I think they are far too selfish now.

Not even sure it's that. When you're younger you don't even think about your parents not being there anymore and as you get older, Ostrich Syndrome kicks in and can't even imagine the possibility. All families are different in the way they handle life and what it entails.

This is something i hear over and over. I do believe they are wrapoed up in their own world, many are definitely not concerned with parents. No matter how busy i was my mum was always my concern. I think they are far too selfish now.

I agree with everyone else's comments. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My own dad's health has declined a lot the last couple of years. I can't even begin to imagine a world without him, but don't like to ask because 1. I know the question is 'pointless' because I KNOW how rubbish he feels and 2. he always says the same thing "I'm upright"! I also know that if I ask my Mum, she doesn't like to answer because she's exceptionally stoic, doesn't show her feelings (like myself) and would just say that everything is 'fine' when I know it isn't. I just give her lots of hugs! I've offered to stay with them to take the pressure off Mum, I've offered to take dad out to spend time with him and give Mum a break but he wont do anything without her because she 'knows how to do things' and he feels safe, which I get. They've been married for 50+ years afterall. So all I can do is see them as much as possible and do my best without getting in the way - because they 'have routines, you know!' As their children, having to consider a time when your parents won't be around is just the worst and as time moves on, and my dad (in particular) gets older/more unwell I know that time will come and its unbearable.