Daughter in law selfishness

Why do MILS insist in involving themselves in the divorce of their grown son? Your son is an adult and if he can’t properly manage and handle his own affairs that’s on you for not teaching him how to stand on his own two feet and advocate for himself and his children.

Phillips

Thank you all for your feedback on my worries. It’s complicated ….between grandad, grandma and my son the children are looked after very well Dil has lots days and nights where she’s free to do what she likes which she does lots of weekends abroad. I just wish the children were her priority, why arrange overnight stays away use the boyfriend to babysit when you can go away any weekend when the children are with us or their daddy. She doesn’t take them with her !!!

I do understand your concern, but your criticism of your DGCs mother is so apparent. Maybe she’s going to a wedding, a hen night or a big birthday celebration with her friends, they (her friends) won’t arrange their celebrations around her childcare arrangements. I echo everyone else, speak with your son, if he’s ok then you’ll have to accept the situation.

Even if he has them every other weekend and half the school holidays, she still has residency and has them the bulk of the time. I hope you manage to work things out amicably and as they both seem to have new partners now and are happy perhaps not be so critical of her moving forward, she’s their mum and primary carer.

Thank you all for your feedback on my worries. It’s complicated ….between grandad, grandma and my son the children are looked after very well Dil has lots days and nights where she’s free to do what she likes which she does lots of weekends abroad. I just wish the children were her priority, why arrange overnight stays away use the boyfriend to babysit when you can go away any weekend when the children are with us or their daddy. She doesn’t take them with her !!!

Callistemon21

Phillips

My son does more than his share. He had the children for 11 days during Feb half term. She is just never satisfied, always going away with work (volunteering) or friends, birthdays any excuse but doesn’t seem to care about her children.

I don't see why the ex-DIL is selfish in wanting to go away for the night with her friends. After all, her ex-husband has moved on to a new partner, he has the children sometimes but the children live with her most of the time.

My son does more than his share They are his children.
Does that mean your DS has them more than 50% of the time?
Surely he wants to see them at every opportunity?

This^^

When did "shares" enter in whilst raising children?

We consider our children equally ours and both do/did as much as possible. These are his children, surely he can do at least 50% care?

Phillips

My son does more than his share. He had the children for 11 days during Feb half term. She is just never satisfied, always going away with work (volunteering) or friends, birthdays any excuse but doesn’t seem to care about her children.

I don't see why the ex-DIL is selfish in wanting to go away for the night with her friends. After all, her ex-husband has moved on to a new partner, he has the children sometimes but the children live with her most of the time.

My son does more than his share They are his children.
Does that mean your DS has them more than 50% of the time?
Surely he wants to see them at every opportunity?

Callistemon21

I'm surprised, actually, that a new boyfriend would be happy to look after his girlfriend's children aged 9 and 5 while she goes away.

Yes, but the "new boyfriend" could have been a platonic friend for years and years...
This is what I was asking about upthread.

However small the risk, it is just not worth taking.

Me too.
I'd be out of there like a shot!

As has been said, in all likelihood he is just a good, trustworthy person.

It's a big risk to take, though.

I'm surprised, actually, that a new boyfriend would be happy to look after his girlfriend's children aged 9 and 5 while she goes away.

MissAdventure

And I'm well within my rights to point out that abuse of all kinds is usually carried out by someone known to a child, and parents partners are right at the top of that list.

Yes, and well said MissAdventure.

He might, of course, be the loveliest, kindest most nurturing man in the world but I would certainly not be taking a risk with my children after such a short acquaintance.
Their father should insist on having them, as surely he does some weekends anyway, not just half-term.

Suggesting the OP and her son (if he has any concerns) consider Sarah's Law, is an excellent one NotSpaghetti.

Phillips

My son does more than his share. He had the children for 11 days during Feb half term. She is just never satisfied, always going away with work (volunteering) or friends, birthdays any excuse but doesn’t seem to care about her children.

Perhaps he wanted the children during half term? To be with them.

Since when are there "shares" in raising children?

Our sons-in-law are equal in "shares" of caring for our GC, as were my father and husband all those years ago. Normal behaviour.

I agree with Rosie .
I would definitely feel very uncomfortable with this …Is she mad ?☹️

Phillips please pop back and let us know the answers to my questions above.

Also your son's thoughts on Sarah's Law if he is concerned....

Maybe he is not concerned - for reasons you either don't know or haven't shared.

Yes, it's the best way to ensure the safety of the children.

Of course there is always a danger of abuse if the person being left with the children is someone who has recently been brought into their lives. But there remains the question why isn't the father having them? If the OP wants to exert any pressure it should be upon her son. He should be looking after them regularly (not just during school holidays) and should offer to have them if the mother is going away. Stay on reasonable terms with your DIL Philips accept that she has a right to a life, and hassle your son about why he is letting her boy friend look after his kids.

And I'm well within my rights to point out that abuse of all kinds is usually carried out by someone known to a child, and parents partners are right at the top of that list.

People are well within their rights to choose their own babysitters... And also their own partners

I would work to keep your relationship polite and civil and stay out of this, relationships break down, it's not our business to judge who is at fault

It is time for some passionate advice and even anger about childcare for you to express to your son. What have you to lose?

I am a feminist however your son has some responsibility over his former wife's silly behaviour. She seems to me like an adolescent child not a grown woman.

We are only hearing this from the perspective if the Grandmother, how long has Mother been with the second boyfriend, do the children know him and feel comfortable with him, was he a previous friend known to ex husband, but most importantly why is your son not stepping up if he feels this arrangement is wrong?
I just feel this is a excuse for a Gran to snipe at her DIL.

I would be very wary and unsettled, if I thought my grandchildren were being minded by someone who is, in effect, a stranger.

Phillips

My son does more than his share. He had the children for 11 days during Feb half term. She is just never satisfied, always going away with work (volunteering) or friends, birthdays any excuse but doesn’t seem to care about her children.

This should be a safety issue, leaving the children with comparative stranger.

However if he’s already done his fair share…………….

Even after our son got divorced, I told our ex daughter in law that if ever she needed a baby sitter and our son was working away she could bring them round to my house and I would look after them. For a year that is what she did but then she decided to get married and move away so I hardly see them now. At least I got the chance to get to know her boyfriend as he sometimes collected them and the children seemed happy enough with him.

I’m not familiar with the UK school set up, I assumed that half term was like our March break, simply a week off of school?

Unless half term only applies to boarding schools, then Mom still had the kids the majority of the month, 18 days to his 11.

I’m not clear on if he took vacation or if the kids were in a program due to being off school, so I’m not sure there’s a difference between them being in school or not.

Good post Callistemon.