Daughter in law selfishness

Have we been left with any reasons to distrust this ex DIL to do that?

MissAdventure

I don't have a specific time frame, but as I've said, someone I've known for a few months wouldnt even be on my radar as a potential childminder.

My ex who I met when my daughter was three, well, he desperately wanted to take her for see father christmas.
By the time I agreed, she didn't believe in him any more. (Father christmas, not the ex!)

To be fair, they’ve been dating for a few months, but no mention of how long they’ve actually known each other.

They may have been friends, or a friend of friends, a work mate or online dating!

As for speaking with her son re her concerns, I’m making a (huge) assumption that OP is getting all of her, or much, of her “facts” from her son, so she really should know already how he feels about everything.

That's the point I was making.
It's up to the adult in the situation to try their best to keep their children safe.

That includes reducing unnecessary risks.

VioletSky

MissAdventure

You first lol

Hahaha! Surely the answer is that when YOU as a mother feel it’s safe and you trust said person. There just cannot be a fixed timeframe surely??

If you met my ex now, you may well be wary.
63 years old, never married, still lived with his mum until a year ago...
But because I know him, I absolutely trust him and know he is a decent man.

There isn't a safe timeframe

I don't have an answer

A person is either abusive or not

I don't have a specific time frame, but as I've said, someone I've known for a few months wouldnt even be on my radar as a potential childminder.

My ex who I met when my daughter was three, well, he desperately wanted to take her for see father christmas.
By the time I agreed, she didn't believe in him any more. (Father christmas, not the ex!)

MissAdventure

You first lol

What does your son have to say about any of this? He's the one with some authority in the situation, not you. I think the best you can do -- if you have a good relationship with him and he doesn't already tend to think you're sticking your nose in too much to his childraising (or his divorce) -- is to talk to him about it. Invite him to tell you what he knows and how he feels about the situation. Then listen, rather than trying to impose how you feel onto what he's saying.

If he has a problem with what's going on, you may be able to talk with him about how to fix it, including offering him help if you have any to offer. (Could he take the children more often if you helped him to care for them some of the time when they're with him?) If he doesn't want to get involved, however, you need to back off. It's not only something, at that point, that you can't do anything about; but it also could jeopardize your son's divorce negotiations if you try to step in.

VioletSky

Again

When is the time frame?

Like, what would people recommend?

When does the risk drop?

How long would you leave it before leaving your child with someone barely known?

What's your time frame?

Of course I would ask it of anyone working with my child.
Men, women, old, young.

The rest, I would leave to my judgement, which wouldn't include someone I barely knew myself.

Smileless2012

Why would you ask it of GP's for goodness sake? You know your children's GP's; you know of they're safe. You'd know of they weren't and wouldn't leave them in charge of your children.

The only babysitters we ever used were friends we'd known for sometime with children of their own and family.

I wouldn't recommend leaving children with a boyfriend of only a few months VS and I wouldn't have done so.

Actually, sadly there have been cases of abuse against both children and women by NHS staff, including GPs.

That’s my entire point, exercise caution by all means, lower the risk wherever you can, but the reality is abuse can happen anywhere by anyone and in some ways this be BF is no more (or less) likely to abuse this OPs than any other human they might meet. I totally get that if he IS an abuser she’s handing them to him on a plate, but MOST humans are normal decent people.

It would be different if this man was a known abuser and their Mum knew this, and knowingly left her children with him.

Why would you ask it of GP's for goodness sake? You know your children's GP's; you know of they're safe. You'd know of they weren't and wouldn't leave them in charge of your children.

The only babysitters we ever used were friends we'd known for sometime with children of their own and family.

I wouldn't recommend leaving children with a boyfriend of only a few months VS and I wouldn't have done so.

MissAdventure

Men who work with children will have had an advanced DBS, Violetsky.
Not that it is entirely trustworthy either.

I would want at least that level of a check done on my child, wouldnt you?

I guess for me, it comes down to would you ask for that requirement to be met by everyone caring for children? Babysitter, girlfriends, grandparents? Would you require it of women? Or just men?

If you wouldn’t, that says (to me) it’s less about safety and more about control

Again

When is the time frame?

Like, what would people recommend?

When does the risk drop?

The reality is though we can never fully protect our precious children very sad but true, which is why it's vital we do all we can.

Yes, that's the pity of it, really.
Teachers, caretakers, the police: You'd think your grown child would be safe under the police's care, wouldn't you?

But, now people have started to include the police as people we shouldnt necessarily go with, with no question.

MissAdventure

I think we can also not expose our children to unnecessary risks, such as from people we don't know well.

You may as well say all we can do is tell our children not to take drugs, then leave a cupboard full of class A substances.

As adults, we have responsibility to reduce risks where we can, in a practical way, because children are legally classed as vulnerable.

Oh I completely agree we must do all we can to reduce risk, protect and educate them. The reality is though we can never fully protect our precious children.

I think we can also not expose our children to unnecessary risks, such as from people we don't know well.

You may as well say all we can do is tell our children not to take drugs, then leave a cupboard full of class A substances.

As adults, we have responsibility to reduce risks where we can, in a practical way, because children are legally classed as vulnerable.

All we can do is ensure children have an age appropriate understanding on who are safe adults and educate ourselves on behaviour changes and signs of abuse in children.

We don't know Mum doesn't do this but as a parent, it is ALL we can do. It's awful that we live in such a world it truly is.

VioletSky

I am going to have to ask the same question I asked before and put it a different way

What is the time frame where the risk lowers?

After 6 months? A year? When does someone become acceptable/safe stepparent material?

When does the magic happen to ensure someone is not abusive?

Well in reality it doesn’t! Grooming can go on for months and months before abuse occurs and do we ever really know anyone?

I do get the OP concerns, but sadly that small risk is everywhere and I’m not really sure how we EVER can completely shield and protect our loved ones.

I like to believe that abusers of children are very much in the minority, but there have been cases in schools, scout troops, nurseries and even the Church, the very places we like to think our little precious children are safe.

I just don’t want to think every new person I meet is a potential abuser, so unless I sense something is not right, or any red flags appear, I tend to trust people, this may make me naive but this is my ethos.

I am going to have to ask the same question I asked before and put it a different way

What is the time frame where the risk lowers?

After 6 months? A year? When does someone become acceptable/safe stepparent material?

When does the magic happen to ensure someone is not abusive?

Cossy

The OP raised the issue of BF toileting and “bum wiping”

Yes I know that ...presumably linked to her concerns re such personal care and so on. But my point in my comment was that as far as I can see noone had suggested that generally men can't/shouldn't wipe bums or babysit...in reply to VSs comment.

Also that the concerns raised in this particular scenario are worthy of valid consideration and that Sarah's Law might be appropriate to check! (And hopefully alleviate any concerns!)

VioletSky

We don't know how long Mum has known him

We only know how long they have been together

Yes that is true VS. But on the info we have it suggests around 4 months. I think OP said children met him.when they started dating but I may be confusing that with a different thread and I haven't gone back to re read thread so apologies to to OP if I'm wrong on that.

The OP raised the issue of BF toileting and “bum wiping”