Daughter in law selfishness

We don't know how long Mum has known him

We only know how long they have been together

VioletSky

Men work with children and do toileting and bum wiping...

Unless we want to say men can't do certain careers then why is it not ok for a man to babysit?

Um ...I am struggling to understand your point. The issue isnt about men babysitting, wiping bums or whatever.

The issue is a concern being expressed as this man has not been in their lives very long, and the possibility ( only a possibility bit should be considered) of other motives in this relationship. Grooming women with kids is classic!
Now none of us know if this bloke is genuine, has other motives or anything else. Nor do we know if mum judged carefully enough with someone she is newly in a relationship with. But this scenario DOES rightly raise legitimate questions and certainly Sarah's Law might be useful for checking.

Madgran77

*Singco She views her son's parenting time as being "left on his own" with his own children*

Singco I think the OP was referring to the boyfriend being left on his own with the children not the dad being on his own with his own children....

Apologies, I’ve just reread the post and yes OP is referring to BF, not her DS as I thought too!

I too would have concerns, not necessarily because of anything untoward ( always a concern) but they don’t know him well enough.,far too soon in my opinion

Singco She views her son's parenting time as being "left on his own" with his own children

Singco I think the OP was referring to the boyfriend being left on his own with the children not the dad being on his own with his own children....

Smileless2012

I disagree. She doesn't "loath" her d.i.l. and if these were my GC I'd also be concerned about their welfare and less than impressed by her lifestyle in terms of the amount of time she leaves her children with her boyfriend.

Let’s agree to disagree. There’s only one specific occasion the OP mentioned about leaving them overnight with BF.

The Easter Sunday evening away she’d ask their Dad to have them one more night, which means she’ll still have them day and night for the rest of the Easter Hols.

OP has a right to express concern about the new BF babysitting, but NOTHING else, it’s absolutely none of her business and all of her info has to be second hand via her DS (unless she’s paid a private detective to follow her!)

It’s hard work working and being a single Mum, I know, I was one for 9 years! No I didn’t leave my DS with anyone other than the childminder during the day and my parents at night if I was going out. I had no contact with his Dad.

I disagree. She doesn't "loath" her d.i.l. and if these were my GC I'd also be concerned about their welfare and less than impressed by her lifestyle in terms of the amount of time she leaves her children with her boyfriend.

We are agreed on that, for sure.

MissAdventure

Ian Huntley was deemed fit to work with children, and one of the worst paedophiles (who worked in a nursery) was a woman with grown up children of her own.

So, while nothing i failsafe, it makes sense to be cautious.

Absolutely nothing wrong with being concerned or caution. I don’t have an issue with OPs concern, just her attitude towards her DiL.

If she’d met this new boyfriend and felt uneasy or one of her GC said something odd or looked neglected or had behavioural changes I’d be more understanding of her concerns.

As it is, it’s clear from her posts she loathes her DiL, her lifestyle and her “perceived” lack of care for her children.

I do hope nothing is awry with the new boyfriend.

Some of the positions for working with people who live with disabilities can be exempted from the equal opportunities act, due to the nature of the care. (Some act or another anyway)
I'm losing my faculties with regards to work legislation.

Yes of course they'll be DBS checked MissA. Like so many m's.i.l. the OP's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't.

Whose saying there are certain careers that men shouldn't do VS or that men cannot baby sit?

Ian Huntley was deemed fit to work with children, and one of the worst paedophiles (who worked in a nursery) was a woman with grown up children of her own.

So, while nothing i failsafe, it makes sense to be cautious.

VioletSky

Men work with children and do toileting and bum wiping...

Unless we want to say men can't do certain careers then why is it not ok for a man to babysit?

I guess we take comfort by knowing they’ve been DBS checked!

However both DBS checks and Sarah’s Law only work if the (alledged) perp has been caught and charged!

MissAdventure

Men who work with children will have had an advanced DBS, Violetsky.
Not that it is entirely trustworthy either.

I would want at least that level of a check done on my child, wouldnt you?

I have to have an advanced DBS too as a woman

Do I need one to babysit?

I'm not saying no one is at risk and I am very aware of those risks and statistics but imagine being spoken about as a potential risk unfairly on the internet

Men who work with children will have had an advanced DBS, Violetsky.
Not that it is entirely trustworthy either.

I would want at least that level of a check done on my child, wouldnt you?

MissAdventure

You aren't going to get much support here, Phillips.

Everyone is focused on your criticism of the ex daughter in law.

I agree! Maybe this will put everyone’s mind at rest. After all that’s why the law is here.

Heaven help the MiL though if DiL ever gets to know and I’ve still heard nothing at all about DS actual concerns.

Also most 5 year old can manage toileting and wiping their own bottom.

I wonder what the response would be if something awful happened?
Mum in laws fault for being critical?

Men work with children and do toileting and bum wiping...

Unless we want to say men can't do certain careers then why is it not ok for a man to babysit?

It's so often the way isn't is MissA. An almost instantaneous dislike of a m.i.l./GM who questions the behaviour of her d.i.l. even when doing so is justfied.

You aren't going to get much support here, Phillips.

Everyone is focused on your criticism of the ex daughter in law.

You should re read the OP's last post SingcoTime. The reference to "He will be on his own again with the children" refers to the OP's d's.i.l. boyfriend, not her son.

I think your judgemental and critical opinion of the OP is leading you to read what you want to read, as opposed to what's actually been written.

Have you spoken to your son about Sarah's Law Phillips? With the children being left alone with the boyfriend to the extent they are, I'm sure the police would take any concerns seriously and do a background check.

Phillips

My son doesn’t leave the children with his girlfriend at all they come to me She has her own children to look after.
She is a detective in the police force also. So hopefully trustworthy
I worry about toilet and bum wiping!!!! For the five year old. The boyfriend has no children

Based on recent events surrounding our Police Force I wouldn’t make this assumption.

I wonder if her ex MiL criticises her as much as this OP!!

Yes, of course I meant the children's welfare should be the main concern, for all of the adults involved, but particularly the parents.

I can think of few things worse than being left in charge of someone else's children while they're away for the weekend.

Perhaps (fingers crossed) he is just a thoroughly decent man, though.

MissAdventure

Affairs aside, the children's welfare is the concern, regardless of whether the OP dislikes or blames her ex daughter in law.

The marital issues are neither here nor there, in the grand scheme of things.

I think you mean the children’s welfare should be the most important thing here, but sadly OP called this post “Daughter in Law Selfishness” and hasn’t raised any tangible evidence of concerns about her GC, just constant criticisms of DiL and constant praise of DS, it was the OP who brought the extra marital affair into the equation.

All I assume is DS is constantly updating OP and complaining about his ex (or how else would she know so much about DiL’s movements?)

I absolutely think both OP and her DS are right to be concerned, but instead of constantly updating OP about his ex’s personal life maybe DS should address his concerns. He sees the children so much that it shouldn’t be too hard to spot any changes in behaviour, signs of neglect etc and if he’s really that concerned he should take legal advice, speak the children’s school and speak to Social Services.

This constant criticism of DiL from OP doesn’t help her DGC if they are in “danger”