Daughter in law selfishness

My son doesn’t leave the children with his girlfriend at all they come to me She has her own children to look after.
She is a detective in the police force also. So hopefully trustworthy
I worry about toilet and bum wiping!!!! For the five year old. The boyfriend has no children

As I've said, none of that is important.

The children's safety and wellbeing is.

MissAdventure

I'd judge a mother who left small children with a man she's known 4 months.

I'd judge her as being monumentally naive and careless.

I wouldn't judge that woman based off of a nosy ex-MIL's opinions. I cannot think of a more unreliable narrator than a MIL who is proving with every post that she cannot see beyond her own ill feelings. She views her son's parenting time as being "left on his own" with his own children. I don't even trust that the "timeline" of the DIL's relationships are accurate coming from the ex-MIL. The opinions of a woman who holds her own parenting as the standard by which to negatively judge other mothers hardly seems like a fair one.

Affairs aside, the children's welfare is the concern, regardless of whether the OP dislikes or blames her ex daughter in law.

The marital issues are neither here nor there, in the grand scheme of things.

SingcoTime

For clarity, your son has the children 75% of the time or is this your estimate based on how much you are examining and scrutinizing what your former DIL does with her time? I find it hard to believe she's personally giving you the rundown directly on all her plans. Is your son complaining about having his own children? If so, is there a reason he isn't communicating to her? Your son has other things going on in his life and is simultaneously parenting. This is life for literally every parent on Earth, so I am not sure why you seem to be putting him in a pedestal here for that. Being a man doesn't make multi-tasking in life any more impressive than if he were a woman. "He will be on his own with the children." Is your son a teenager babysitting other children or is he a parent? He chose her to marry and have not one but two children with your former DIL. It's his life to sort. If you don't want to have the children, don't. Everyone here is making choices. It would probably help for you to not be so enmeshed in your son and DIL's lives to this extent. Perhaps taking a step back and finding interests of your own would help you to reign in your preoccupation with your DIL's life and your son's. Enmeshment with adult children never helps anyone involved. Your son has to find his footing, be a father, and do whatever it he needs to ensure his children are safe, secure, and taken care of. Outside of moral support, I am not sure where your role is in all of that.

How you raise your children has nothing to do with your DIL or her life. Please stop judging other mothers for making different choices. If there is harm being done to the children, there are authorities you can report your concerns to. For your own peace of mind, try to focus on your own life. You are doing yourself no favors fixating on your DIL.

👏👏👏👏👏👏

MissAdventure

I'd judge a mother who left small children with a man she's known 4 months.

I'd judge her as being monumentally naive and careless.

I agree, but I see the OP as 90% critical of ex DiL, and 10% concern for her DGC!

There’s lots of reasons people have affairs, she may have been desperately unhappy.

I cannot “judge” either her or your son as frankly I don’t know them and no one, not even you, will know what actually went on within the marital home.

Is you son as concerned as you?? If he is, I suggest he gets himself a solicitor and goes for full residency!

I'd judge a mother who left small children with a man she's known 4 months.

I'd judge her as being monumentally naive and careless.

For clarity, your son has the children 75% of the time or is this your estimate based on how much you are examining and scrutinizing what your former DIL does with her time? I find it hard to believe she's personally giving you the rundown directly on all her plans. Is your son complaining about having his own children? If so, is there a reason he isn't communicating to her? Your son has other things going on in his life and is simultaneously parenting. This is life for literally every parent on Earth, so I am not sure why you seem to be putting him in a pedestal here for that. Being a man doesn't make multi-tasking in life any more impressive than if he were a woman. "He will be on his own with the children." Is your son a teenager babysitting other children or is he a parent? He chose her to marry and have not one but two children with your former DIL. It's his life to sort. If you don't want to have the children, don't. Everyone here is making choices. It would probably help for you to not be so enmeshed in your son and DIL's lives to this extent. Perhaps taking a step back and finding interests of your own would help you to reign in your preoccupation with your DIL's life and your son's. Enmeshment with adult children never helps anyone involved. Your son has to find his footing, be a father, and do whatever it he needs to ensure his children are safe, secure, and taken care of. Outside of moral support, I am not sure where your role is in all of that.

How you raise your children has nothing to do with your DIL or her life. Please stop judging other mothers for making different choices. If there is harm being done to the children, there are authorities you can report your concerns to. For your own peace of mind, try to focus on your own life. You are doing yourself no favors fixating on your DIL.

Just an update. Thanks again for for feedback.
I can assure you all, my Dil needs and wants come above her 5 year son and 9 year old daughter. She has been with this boyfriend for 4 months he has his own place.
Here’s an example… my son is having his children over Easter This was arranged a while ago from Thursday to Easter Sunday to return to mum at 5. But no she’s booked tickets to a concert and a night away on Easter Sunday (without the new boyfriend ) so my son, who had made arrangements around this, is to hand them over to him at 5 and again he will be on his own with them until she decides when to go home.
The children are coming to me now. I don’t care but I would never do that to my children
My son works hard and works shifts. Nights etc Between school , after school club, my husband , me and my son the children are away from their mum 75 % of the time.
PS. Dil was having an affair and so the marriage ended. This is why my thinking is ….she is very self obsessed and selfish

We best give it a try sometime and find out lol

We'd probably disagree on quite a few of those too .

I think we disagree on 2 subjects Smileless, there are countless thousands of others

I haven't told you what you can or cannot say VS, I've vehemently disagreed with what you have said. Yes of course we can agree to disagree, don't we disagree most of the time anyway?

Well we can agree to disagree Smileless or you can keep saying it... Your choice

But I will not be told by you or anyone else what I can or cannot say within context of the thread

I'm sure your intentions are good VS, as are mine and those of everyone who has responded.

The OP is sharing her opinions and concerns anonymously so there's no reason to assume that her d.i.l. will ever know. If a parent chooses to turn their children against their other parent and/or GP's, there's little that can be done. The shame and responsibility lies with that parent.

To put into the mind of a GP whose concerned about her GC's safety and well being, that at some point she could face being estranged by those GC is unnecessary and distasteful.

Well, to me, situations like this have a potential to cause estrangement in future, especially when we factor in alienation as one of the causes.

For example, Mum learns of ex MILs opinion of her and passes on to children who side with mum in future.

Sadly lots of people do not understand why a family relationship broke down but that understanding can be very preventative when achieved.

One person may view it as distasteful, another may view it as a potential mine to avoid treading on and quite helpful given tricky family dynamics

I have no control over the person reading it and how they perceive it but I do know my own intentions, which are good

Yes VS to explain, bringing estrangement into this discussion is, as I have already said unnecessary and distasteful. It is an unnecessary argument because this thread is not about estrangement.

I am only answering comments addressed to me in discussion...

Disagreeing with someone is not bullying

Oh, do give it a rest, Violet

This is verging on bullying.

Smileless2012

I'm glad you realise that VS.

Sorry, could you explain this response?

I'm glad you realise that VS.

Smileless

I think unnecessary arguments on threads are distasteful

This thread isn't about estrangement VS. The OP isn't estranged from her son and isn't facing estrangement. There's nothing to suggest that she's creating an 'unkind rift' with her d.i.l. or that her GC would ever want to estrange her and TBH, I find your suggestion unnecessary and distasteful.

So I don't agree that estrangement is in anyway applicable to this thread.

Well if you can't get past the title SpringcoTime that's up to you but thankfully others can and have done so.

Smileless2012

Oh so the welfare of her GC has nothing to do with her, really!!!

Why do you think she keeps tabs on her d.i.l. SingcoTime? How do you know that this is what her GC, especially her 9 year old GD isn't telling her without any prompting or questions from the OP?

You don't know, neither do I but just because this is the paternal GM expressing her concern I don't assume it's because of a dislike of her d.i.l. and for no other reason.

What doesn't belong on this thread VS is estrangement. This is not an estrangement issue.

I don't anyone who knows this much about the life of anyone who doesn't sit and report directly to them their activities.

Your "possible" explanation is that she may have been getting the run down on her DIL...from a 9 year old child. That's supposed to be a rational justification for the OP judging her DIL and bashing her online as a mother? It's not just a paternal grandmother addressing her concerns and I'm not going to reduce the negative attitude of the OP toward her DIL to a grandmother simply being concerned. Truly concerned family members deal with their concerns in real life by real means, not come to the internet to lament the fact that her DIL has a boyfriend, a social life, and a career. Some women think it's still acceptable to judge other mothers, especially when they've upset their darling baby boys. "I just wish she would put the children first". Really? Talk about sanctimonious. The OP herself is living up to the nightmare MIL stereotype. No one forced her to write what she wrote. I will not get past the title because she herself justified her disdain in her follow-up posts.

Smileless

Grandchildren also estrange and many times adults do not give children enough credit

Creating an unkind rift with the mother places that relationship in jeopardy

So yes, it belongs here because the best way to have a good relationship with the grandchildren is to have a good one with the parents... Both of them

In the context of this thread, it belongs