Taken for granted

I totally understand as it happened to me. We looked after our grandson from him being 6 months old, every day, 5 days a week 7 am to 6 pm as we had both retired. Our daughter then asked us to start having him at the weekends so they could go out, stating, that they would be staying over at our house for the weekend as well.

We told them no, that 5 days a week was enough for us
as we had no life and could not do any jobs around the house or have holidays because we were always childminding. They never spoke to us again for years but kept dropping our grandson off on the doorstep without saying a word and picking him up in the evening. This went on until he started school and then we just looked after him in the school holidays.

My husband died when our grandson was 8 years old and we never had a proper retirement together from us both retiring as we spent it childminding.

I sometimes cry because I felt I neglected my husband in his last years putting helping our family out instead of putting us first.

We are raised to feel its important to make other people happy and to be responsible for their feelings. That way madness quite literally lies.
You are NOT responsible for their feelings, you are responsible for yours, and if you're feeling overwhelmed you have every right to take a break.

I think if you have a routine of helping out they may rely on you and may not have backup support in place. If, for example, my mil had offered to have a child all day one day a week and I'd planned some big event at work, I'd need a good period notice in advance so I didn't organized something like an expensive training day with 200 people turning up as last minute cancellation would have been a disaster...that's not fair on anyone. So, I always had a childminder on retainer as my son's GM wasn't a spring chicken and might need a break or be ill. I suggest you have a chat and make sure there is some backup in case you can't make it either with or without notice. Otherwise it's very stressful all round.

It’s a painful realisation that our adult children’s generation seem to have the ability to be very selfish at times. I’m not quite sure how it’s come about when we’ve brought them up, we think, to not be so egocentric but it’s perhaps, a reflection of the society that we live in now. I know only too well that it’s hard but I would try not take it personally. You do all you can to support them and it’s more than enough. Keep some self respect and stick to your guns. Your daughters will register this and eventually get the message.

My ACs asked me before baby was born what kind of input we would like to make. I was working at the time but only part-time. They fitted in with me, we did very occasional overnights, no problem doing school runs and pickups. Did this through to high school and now our grandchildren look after us. Ask if they may visit and have lunch (very occasionally now), GS who lives some distance away keeps me up to date with Whatsapp. I feel very close to all GC and was glad was able to help in the early difficult days. It has paid off in the end. Get invited to all family occasions, feel very blessed and glad to have been able to do what I could. I appreciate that not everyone has the time or thoughtful ACs.

I do the school runs for my grandchildren when my daughter needs it, she works from home most of the time so can take them in most days.
We always sort out our diaries at the weekend so that we both know what is happening over the next week. I also babysit if she has to go into work and stay late for something which is fine as we live very close to each other.
She goes out of her way to avoid taking advantage and sometimes arranges treats for us, or cooks meals for us as a thank you. We're going away to a hotel for a couple of days next month to see Cadbury's World as well as a few other things.
We actually moved to be closer to her three years ago as she is single and adopted two children just over two years ago. I don't resent the time we give her and her family at all, she always asks rather than demands and that is after all why we are here.
I admire what she is doing and want to help her as much as she needs and also to enable her to have some sort of social life as a single women.

I used to but now I really do not care. If you give them everything then what do you have for yourself? I am blooming well fed up of being taken for granted in the past and not being thought anymore of. That is it! I learned the word NO a few years back and I can honestly say I feel better for it. It is your life and they should realise that you need to be able to say NO and live your life.

GrannyIvy

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the comments I currently collect from school two nights one week and three the next. I help with after school activities one of those days as my DD is a single parent and classes overlap in different venues. I will always help if I can if children are sick or she needs a babysitter. I love my grandchildren dearly and treasure and enjoy my times with them. Sometimes though if we are planning to be away or have friends visiting on committed days DD not happy even with prior notice. I need to be more firm in these situations. My other DD lives away with older children and I won’t go into the problems there very different ones! I am my own worst enemy really as really want to help and always be there for my girls. Find it very hard to say no and sometimes really need too !! The DD I help on a weekly basis is very loving and appreciative of all I do but doesn’t like changes to arrangements… although she can change them at short notice😂

Granny Ivy I personally think if you have committed to something you stick with it and do not change unless you have an annual holiday which you should arrange with your DD. Any other plans should be arranged around your commitment. If that does not work for you any longer, I think you should permanently change your commitment to something you are able and willing to stick to. I can easily understand how difficult it is from your daughter's side to have to find someone else even with notice. It works both ways of course and there should be some compromise at times. I do think though you need to reconsider what you are willing to stick to, particularly if you put friends visits before your commitment.

That's why it's best not to commit to anything.
Ad hoc only.

I take care of my granddaughter weekdays since she was a baby, and sometimes I get quite exhausted. I realized I need more time to myself and took too long telling my daughter. Turns out the feelings I had about her being upset or stressed if I said no were coming from within me, not her. My own guilt about putting myself first was clouding my perception. After having a long and open talk about what I can physically and mentally handle, my daughter now tells me I don’t need to explain why I need a day off, ever, just take it and they will make it work. Being raised as women in our era we were taught to take care of everyone else at our own expense. I’m glad that is changing.

I am sorry you feel hurt - and maybe it will help if I say something I realise (and I am sure i am not alone in this): as grandparents we are more focussed on our children and grandchildren than they are on us. We matter to them of course and love flows in both directions, but they have much to do which is in the past for us. They are very busy with work and children and may assume we have plenty of time to help, when they have much need of that help. So we do need to have our own lives, look after ourselves appropriately, and to set boundaries and not be afraid to say 'no'. We need to say it in a calm and friendly way and its ok just to say you have other commitments or need time for yourself - or give no explanation if you prefer. So watch out for feeling like a victim - this disempowers us and leaves us miserable and does not lead to happy relationships. When we give help, it needs to be 'no strings' - not in effect looking for gratitude (though kindness and courtesy are good on both sides). Stand tall and say your honest 'yes' or 'no' and have a life of your own.

AlwaysSmiling that is a very sad story about your uncaring and demanding daughter.

Very similar to the two daughters of my SIL who I mentioned earlier. They demanded so much from her even when she was very poorly. My husband and I feel we want nothing more to do with them now that she has passed away.

There seem to be a lot of Grandmas who feel the same as you. I just had lunch with my best friend and she was complaining that her son does not appreciate all she does for him. He is divorced with 3 small children so after lunch she had to drive 20 miles to collect them from school. She then has about 1.5 hours to fill with them before his ex wife finishes work. If their Mum works later she then has to drive them another approx 20 miles to drop them off at home and wait until she comes home. Then she has to drive 40 miles home!! She does this every week in term time as well as feeding them all plus his new partner on Sundays.

Your Mum was correct flappergirl.
I have always take care of GC and never felt I was taken for granted. Like flappergirls mum it is mostly my rules with regard to childcare. I appreciate parents rules may differ but I have to set boundaries for GCs safety and for my safety and sanity! I am no spring chicken and need to safeguard myself and my lovely GC. My DDs have always accepted and
responded well to that . That are very grateful for the help I am able to give! They never take me for granted. I think grandparents are often used !! Not our children - done that ! If AC don't like Grandmas rules they know where the nearest nursery is! Hope they can afford it.

IF there's a prize for Comment of the Week, can I nominate 25Avalon, for that splendid >>>> “Make yourself a doormat and people will wipe their feet on you” - old Chinese saying.

We look after our DGD a fair bit as DD works and her husband is working away. We’ve always done this and although it can be really tiring I try to make the most of every minute because I know it won’t last forever. Our DGS lives 200 miles away and we rarely get the chance to look after him. But - we are never taken for granted, quite the reverse, if we were I think I’d feel just as you do GrannyIvy. Please, please, please don’t feel guilty. Sit down with your daughters and tell them how you feel and try to work out some arrangement that suits everybody. You say “we” so I’m assuming you have a partner who also needs to be considered and should be part of the conversation. I wish you all the luck in the world.

You should say NO more often. They will get the message that you are not at there beck and call and they should respect you a bit more than the currently do. Give your self more respect too, you are entitled to live and enjoy your life.

I was still working when my two daughters had my 4 Grandchildren, so I helped out when I could and after I retired I did school pick ups sometimes, but I wasn't used as an unpaid nanny. I did love helping though.

I wish I had that 'problem'

grannyivy you answered your own question when you wrote I give everything to my daughters, always available to help, do childcare etc 24/7

Your daughters see you as just another service like gas or water, something to get rightly annoyed with when the system breaks down.

Develop a life of your own. be available for completely unforeseeable emergencies, and the emphasis is unforseeable , not ones they have known about for weeks but just forgot to mention. Other than that be availabl,e if given a weeks notice, and if you have no other engagements.

Act like a doormat and you will get treated like one.
^

We are raised to feel its important to make other people happy and to be responsible for their feelings.

A lot of people say this, but why didn't occur to any of you to ignore that teaching. I am not suggesting people should be selfish and uncaring, but I do think many women are very supine and never seem to have been prepared to stand up for
themselves.

When I was growing up, no one ever suggested to me that it was my responsibility to make sure everybody around me was happy. If they had I think my resoinse would have been to ask them who was responsible for making me happy.

Stand tall and have a life of your own.
My motto of the year.

win

GrannyIvy

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the comments I currently collect from school two nights one week and three the next. I help with after school activities one of those days as my DD is a single parent and classes overlap in different venues. I will always help if I can if children are sick or she needs a babysitter. I love my grandchildren dearly and treasure and enjoy my times with them. Sometimes though if we are planning to be away or have friends visiting on committed days DD not happy even with prior notice. I need to be more firm in these situations. My other DD lives away with older children and I won’t go into the problems there very different ones! I am my own worst enemy really as really want to help and always be there for my girls. Find it very hard to say no and sometimes really need too !! The DD I help on a weekly basis is very loving and appreciative of all I do but doesn’t like changes to arrangements… although she can change them at short notice😂

Granny Ivy I personally think if you have committed to something you stick with it and do not change unless you have an annual holiday which you should arrange with your DD. Any other plans should be arranged around your commitment. If that does not work for you any longer, I think you should permanently change your commitment to something you are able and willing to stick to. I can easily understand how difficult it is from your daughter's side to have to find someone else even with notice. It works both ways of course and there should be some compromise at times. I do think though you need to reconsider what you are willing to stick to, particularly if you put friends visits before your commitment.

I agree with win, if you don't want a regular comittment you should make that clear. And if it becomes too much for you it makes sense to speak up about it rather than being run ragged and feeling resentful.
I can see it from both sides, I had four children and a full-time job so it was incredibly difficult when my childminder let me down at short notice (both grandmothers lived too far away to help).
If we have plans to go away for a few days I always try to sort out dates that work for my daughter as well as ourselves. She works from home so can usually juggle days to suit.
Occasional help really isn't much use to full-time working mothers, many need help on regular days and if ad hoc help from a granny isn't enough they need to arrange something with a childminder or nanny.
I find it irritating when grandmothers don't seem to realise that childminding arrangements can't be interrupted so that they can collect the children from school when they'd like a day with the children.
The sad story from Primrose53 about her friend who sometimes has to drive up to 40 miles to collect her grandchildren from school is appalling, they do seem to be taking advantage of her, though I don't know how many days a week she has to do this.

Bellasnana, me too

AlwaysSmiling

I totally understand as it happened to me. We looked after our grandson from him being 6 months old, every day, 5 days a week 7 am to 6 pm as we had both retired. Our daughter then asked us to start having him at the weekends so they could go out, stating, that they would be staying over at our house for the weekend as well.

We told them no, that 5 days a week was enough for us
as we had no life and could not do any jobs around the house or have holidays because we were always childminding. They never spoke to us again for years but kept dropping our grandson off on the doorstep without saying a word and picking him up in the evening. This went on until he started school and then we just looked after him in the school holidays.

My husband died when our grandson was 8 years old and we never had a proper retirement together from us both retiring as we spent it childminding.

I sometimes cry because I felt I neglected my husband in his last years putting helping our family out instead of putting us first.

AlwaysSmiling
This made me so sad. I hope you can find some comfort in the fact thst you did what you thought was best at the time. Our relationships with our kids is what the problem is ( my daughter can be very abrupt with us even though we do a lot for her).
Yes I know i should have been firmer, but I worry about the gc if we don't have him.
Oh to start from the beginning again. But as I say, we did what we thought was best at the time. And with love.

That made me sad too AlwaysSmiling I agree with Letskeepcalm you did what seemed right at the time and I'm sure your husband understood. Adult children so often seem entitled.
GrannyIvy time for an honest conversation with your family about the amount of care you are able and prepared to give. Things change with time and you need set boundaries with your commitments.