I’M SEFISH

Sadly, Oldbat1, I think it may be more common than you think.

Is this genuine? I cannot believe anyone being so totally irresponsible. This is all self inflicted.

I think you need to step back take a careful look at what you are prepared to offer them and direct them to other agencies for some of their problems. Give them a list of contacts for local housing- council and housing associations. Give them a list of local nurseries-the 2 year old will be entitled to some free care. Insist they see a debt advisor and sort out their money problems. Warn them they have a limited time to get things sorted out and then you will be giving them notice. They are responsible for the mess their lives are in you are not.

If you want to offer child care (and GCs are so lovely) set out exactly what times you will do and don't offer any flexibility. The times should suit you, not them.

I do wonder is there a little competition and jealousy between your DDs with the older thinking you do more for her sister?
Good luck. Hope you can sort things out and get your life back.

I meant to say with my last lengthy post that I don't have the answers for your situation. I have followed all the professional advice but nothing seems to make a difference. I wish you more success.

I really feel for you, Kelstemialil. I have a similar problem with my grown up daughter. She and her DH ran up £30,000 of debt so had to sell their property and move into a part owned, part rented property. There were other reasons for it too so I was sympathetic but advised her to cut up the credit cards so they didn't do it again. Her husband did, she didn't. Now she has run up £11,000 of debt and needed to buy a car as her PIP was downgraded - this is being appealed. I was more than happy to help her with a car but the credit cards, not at all. I explained why it would not be helpful for me to do so but said I would help her find strategies which mean that this doesn't happen again. Her reasons for it happening were ridiculous but I held my tongue. When I wouldn't play ball, she found other things to throw at me before she slammed down the phone saying she was finished with me. Her husband tells me she felt judged despite me saying to her that I was more worried about the stress it causes her. This was a couple of months ago and she won't answer my calls or messages so I haven't seen my grandchildren who I was close to.
This has happened so many times now (she has Borderline Personality Disorder) and I used to be so upset. However, this time I have taken a more pragmatic view and feel that I have too much on my plate to deal with this at the moment. She will either decide she wants me in her life or she won't. There comes a time when I suspect her toxic behaviour will damage our relationship for good. I have a number of other children and they don't see me as this big bad wolf. They take responsibility for their money management and mental health. Somewhere along the line I must have done something good, surely!

The more you give...the more they take....I wouldn't have done as much as you .....these days no one has to have a baby, planned or not, leave her to it

lemsip

a couple of these threads very similar today!

Indeed.

Cossy

You are NOT selfish nor unreasonable!

Your daughter is both!

You’re doing your best to help them both and they seem extremely ungrateful and also utterly irresponsible.

This.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this upset. You’re not selfish at all. I can only agree with most of the grans on here. This is your life and your time. I know it’s hard, believe me, especially with your DD being pregnant again, but the time has come to say no more and mean it.
Sending you a hug 🤗 💐

Thanks for updating us Kelstemialil
I think if they are low paid they should be claiming benefits to be honest.
I also think that whilst one room accommodation isn't great your grandchild is less than two so it's not currently an issue. What is an issue is the idea of planning a pregnancy when they aren't solvent.

I know it's tough but in your place I'd say "no" to childcare and suggest they take up the government hours at a nursery.

Thanks for all the replies. Probably need to clear a couple of points up. I thought I would get an email notification when someone had replied and was suprised to see all your responses. It was the month to Brazil that greatly impacted on their debt. His family all live in Brazil which was their reason for going as the obviously hadn’t met the baby. They pay £300 a month to us to cover rent and bills, they don’t claim benefits he works full time in low paid jobs and my daughter is a TA with an agency. She has a degree and speaks 3 languages and is more than capable of getting a better paid job.
I’m hoping for an apology and to talk things through but I’m not sure how things will pan out. My Husband is furious and I had to beg him not to kick them out. I hate arguments although will quite often speak my mind, I’m honestly not a complete push over.

A month long holiday to Brazil, when they were in £9k debt????? Do I actually believe this??

petra

I await my email from HQ. I usually get one relating to my comments on these posts 🤣

but you are just perceptive..perhaps..

I await my email from HQ. I usually get one relating to my comments on these posts 🤣

Jaxjacky

Another new poster, not returned yet, another odd tale. 🎣

What did I say earlier. 🤔
Love the emoji 😂

a couple of these threads very similar today!

If you're selfish I guess I am too. I'd feel the same as you. Best thing for your daughter is to allow her to deal with the consequences of her own decisions. She has to learn and grow from them. Saving her by picking up the slack and placating her poor decision making is not as helpful as you think. She is your daughter but she is no longer a child whose life you need to prioritize over your own. I hope she apologizes. You aren't wrong and one day she will see this...hopefully. Until then, just know you can love her without taking on the consequences of her decisions. If you keep taking on her responsibility to care for her children, she will keep popping them out always depending on you.

Mmmm …

Another new poster, not returned yet, another odd tale. 🎣

As they only had £5 to last three weeks … and a one year old to feed …

And you took them out for dinner on Mother’s Day??

Your DD may have just had an angry outburst. I'm sure she doesn't really think you are selfish. Don't take it to heart. She should really apologise to you .

Mmmm 🤔

Honestly! just shocking, not you, them No of course you aren't selfish, don't doubt yourself in that respect, you've gone more than the extra mile and you already have other commitments. It's often amazing to read about situations such as yours where it doesn't seem to occur to grown up children that their own parents have brought up them and possible siblings and may not want to do that all over again.

Sorry for you Hope you are able to sort out a satisfactory solution that lessens the impact on your life.

you need to give them notice to quit, in writing, so they can apply to the local council for priority consideration.
don't enter into discussions or recriminations.
just be business-like and take action.
good luck.