My son and his wife of almost 10 years are on the verge of separating. My dil comes from Venezuela but also has a US passport.
I have two much loved grandchildren a boy of 7 and a girl of 4.
Since my grandsons birth my dil has made accusations of sexual abuse against my son , my husband, a work colleague and my son again.
The first time this happened my son immediately called their GP. My grandson was 3-4 months at the time. My dil was referred to MH services and with help gradually started to recover. For a number of weeks my son couldn’t be alone with his son ( her rules) if she wanted to get her haircut nails done I had to supervise. As she progressed with her treatment she was able to accept that her son was safe with his father.
We were given rules she wanted us to abide by; grandchildren can’t sit on grandfathers lap, no sleepovers at grandparents.
We accepted our experience of being grandparents was very different to our friends. Roll on a few years and the worst has happened. My son heard his wife telling her daughter daddy had been touching her privates. The little girl was saying no mummy but she persisted saying she had photo. My son flew upstairs to ask what the hell did she think she was doing and asked to see the photo. They argued and she said she wanted a divorce, sole custody and as much money as she can get from him. A couple of days later I was looking after gs ( Easter Holidays) when he disclosed to me what had happened. He said he was telling mummy daddy hadn’t done anything but mummy wouldn’t listen. He said she’s like that with all men daddy, grandpa and Mr P a teacher at his school.
He says she wants to take him to live in another country he told me he didn’t want to go” I’ll miss my family, my school, my friends and I can’t speak Spanish!”
My son was taking annual leave as his wife had secured a new job and didn’t want to take any leave in the first month. His wife came home early afternoon which surprised him. Shortly afterwards the knock on the door came. A police officer and 2 social workers were on the doorstep. The spoke to the children alone and the my dil. They did not say anything to him. He left the house to buy the children’s dinner and called me. He was in shock and I told him to come to us after making dinner for the children.
After living like this for 7 years he is broken and can’t go on with his marriage. He loves his children desperately.
During their marriage he has worked very hard and now has a well paid position in a company where he is very respected and well liked. At weekends he took children swimming, did the washing, the ironing and tidied and cleaned the house. My grandson tells people his mum (who up ti 4 weeks ago hadn’t been working) is lazy!
For the last 2 years I took the children to and from school nearly every day. It’s a long walk and mum doesn’t drive despite my son spending £100s on driving lessons and tests.
Social worker has since said police have no concerns and subsequent conversations with children have not raised concerns.
Dil making it difficult to see children, she films him if he visits, pulls the children away when they go ago hug their daddy and tells them it’s ok don’t be afraid. I am convinced her goal is to earn enough money and flee the country.
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Grandparenting
Desperately worried
(17 Posts)OMG! What a terrible situation. However, why has your son allowed this situation to continue for so long?
If this is a genuine post then your DIL sounds either mentally ill or very conniving.
Your son needs to consult a solicitor.
Unfortunately it is a genuine post. My son recognised my dil was homesick. He kept a lot of what he put up with to himself. He protected me from it because I was his wife’s main support. If she wanted children collecting I would go, if she locked herself out of house, I would take spare key across. She locked herself twice in past month.
My friends said I was mad to be at her beck and call but I wanted her to feel she had someone. I did the school runs because in that 39 minutes each way I saw the children listened to them and played silly games.
Last year when she announced she wanted a divorce (because she couldn’t trust him to be alone with the children) he consulted a solicitor. They discussed a Preventative steps order. The solicitor said if you go down that route your marriage is over. My son at that time just wanted his wife to be as she used to be and to keep his family together. Unfortunately after a year he’s back there. The other thing to say is a month ago he paid the final 3k for her Right to remain visa.
Surely all these call outs and accusations have been noted by the Police, school and social services?
I am no expert but I would have thought a solicitor could have helped to keep the children here if the Mother is unstable.
Do the children have passports, does the Father know where they are?
Your son needs to face the fact that his unlikely to be ‘as she used to be’ and go back to the solicitor. He needs to gain the upper hand.
Your son very definitely needs to consult a solicitor as soon as possible. The Police, school, social services must have records, so he has evidence of her behaviour. Plus those children are caught up in this toxic situation and need to be free to grow up without all that is going on.
As Nannynoodles said, he needs to make sure he knows the whereabouts of the childrens' passports and keep a tight hold on them.
Why on earth does he stay with her?
I hope your son contacts a solicitor and that a lot of this past behaviour is documented. I feel so sad for you and yours. I truly wish you well.
Your son really must get legal advice about being given custody Abuela. As Nannynoodles has posted, there must be a record of SS's and police involvement that clearly demonstrate that she's unfit to have the children in her sole care.
Ultimately he stayed with her for their children. He has seen a solicitor and is going for sole custody. The solicitor has told him to get passports. He has told social worker of previous allegations she made against a colleague and she asked for her employment details at that time. Fortunately she was working in NHS and their HR will have her records, particularly as the man she accused subsequently took out a grievance against her.
His friends and family have told him not to visit on his own as she may make further allegations. I went on Monday with him as she had locked herself out again. She was very rude and asked why I had come. I couldn’t help but say very calmly it’s called child protection it started the day my child was born until the day I die. She didn’t like that. It is the hanging on waiting for SS to complete their investigation, supporting my son who I have to say is doing remarkably well. The gloves are off, Pandora is out of her box and she’s not going back. It’s me that’s discreetly falling apart, going through the motions. To top it all my daughter gave birth to her first child last week. I think the timing in Dild part was intentioned to cause as much upset around what should have been a fabulous time for our family. Thankfully we have managed to shield by daughter and her husband from this.
As I read my post it sounds like something out of a soap opera.thankfully I have great friends. I posted to see if others had had a similar situation.
When my husband left me one of the first things I did was to get my son a passport.
These children need to be in a safe place as she is acting in an abusive way by feeding them false information. I would make sure their passports,if they have them, are with your son and contact the police saying you have them. Contact the school so that they are aware of the stress for the children and also SS.. and start divorce proceedings as soon as possible. Does she have any relatives in this country? I would also keep the children under as much observation as possible in case she tries to leave with them.. Maybe she needs another MH assessment but I don't expect she willcomply with that.. It is sad that she is allowed to set all those unnatural rules for the children...
Your son needs to get the children out of there as quickly as possible. Staying with their mother will do psychological harm which could well stay with them for life. As others have said he needs to contact his solicitor and apply for sole custody pdq.
I think maybe your son needs to be familiar with The Hague convention which prohibits a partner from taking children overseas without their partner’s consent. I don’t know if it still applies after Brexit but, hopefully, it does.
Abuela
Like you, we have a very difficult situation going on with my daughter and her children, but I actually think your situation might be worse, bad as ours is. Our daughter is was married to a controlling man. He persuaded her to go to New Zealand with him and now refuses to allow her to bring the children home. It’s complicated and I don’t want to say much more on here, please know that I understand your worries.
Advice to see a solicitor is paramount. Make sure it’s a family law solicitor. If the children have passports make sure that they are in a safe with the combination unknown to the mother.
It does sound as if the mother is mentally ill. However your son needs to put himself and his children first. Good luck, it’s a long road.
I'd follow all the previous advice re' consulting with a "family law" solicitor and passports.
I'd also suggest that your son should always have someone present and in all honesty, I'd be recording any interaction....
Abuela 
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