Disciplining grandchildren when in my home

Sorry if my reply about Scotland offended some of you
The fact that it is illegal to smack a child in some parts of the uk doesn’t make it right or relevant
I am 66 and I got smacked when I was naughty
It was not abuse , it was correcting naughty behaviour
There is a difference !
I have said that yes I shouldn’t have smacked him but he had hit me , he was out of control and I didn’t know what else to do
I did not hurt him and as I said , it is not abuse , it is discipline
It’s very unlikely to happen again as I will take on board the supportive messages I have received and I will set boundaries as to how much childcare I provide from now on
Thanks to those of you who have understood my predicament and given me encouragement

MissInterpreted

Notjustaprettyface

GrauntyHelen
I couldn’t care less what they do in Scotland
I don’t live there and never will

Well, isn't that just lovely!

Well, maybe this gives an insight into Notjustaprettyface’s communication style.
I agree, looking after 3 young children as an older, sole, gran is a tough call. When my husband was alive, we often had four (two from each of our daughters). Tonight I have a 6 and 9 year old for a sleepover so their parents can have a jolly. Much easier now they’re older, able to sit easily to est their tea, shower, get ready for bed and the 6 year old enjoy being read a story. I wouldnt offer to look after 3 under 5’s on my own.

I didn’t smack my children and can’t imagine anything prompting me to smack a 5 year old, especially one who is already upset. He needed reassurance.

As for all the comments criticising the mother for using out of school clubs on the days she isn’t working. Often you need to book and pay for the week. I don’t expect the mum is sitting around on those days- surely we all remember every minute filled with washing, shopping, cleaning, keeping the house something like between working and looking after our children. Though it’s fairly clear, ‘some posters’ were SAH mums so didn’t have the juggling many of us remember

I’ve done consistent childcare for one daughter since her first baby was born. I’ve always made it clear that if necessary I will discipline them, it’s a last resort, and I would never lay a hand on any of them, but I have to be clear that I’ve got that option, and I know she will always back me 100%
My other daughter is trickier, I’ve had several telling offs over the years, she once wanted me to apologise to one of them, not happening.
Hers are older, but I still tread very carefully with them.
I think parents really need to let us get on with it, if they are expecting hours of free childcare.

Notjustaprettyface

GrauntyHelen
I couldn’t care less what they do in Scotland
I don’t live there and never will

Well, isn't that just lovely!

Notjustaprettyface

GrauntyHelen
I couldn’t care less what they do in Scotland
I don’t live there and never will

What an unpleasant reply!

GrauntyHelen
I couldn’t care less what they do in Scotland
I don’t live there and never will

Well I am not in Scotland and thank him god for that !

icanhandthemback

Daddima

Luckygirl3

If the children are at my house without their parents, my rules apply, and I will discipline them as necessary.

Once their parents appear, then the responsibility is transferred to them.

Short and to the point, and, what’s more, actually answering the original question!

Yes but not necessarily something which will work and enhance family relationships.

I’m not sure she was asking how to enhance family relationships! I think she was asking if it was her responsibility to deal with ‘situations’ which arise when the children are with her, but she got a very detailed judgement instead, of both her and her daughter.

Daddima

Luckygirl3

If the children are at my house without their parents, my rules apply, and I will discipline them as necessary.

Once their parents appear, then the responsibility is transferred to them.

Short and to the point, and, what’s more, actually answering the original question!

Yes but not necessarily something which will work and enhance family relationships.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, it will need sorting out soon. You cannot let the atmosphere between you and your daughter/ son in law to fester. I presume you usually enjoy looking after your grandchildren, and have done it before, and look forward to it? I presume your grandchildren also enjoy staying over at yours?
It looks to me that circumstances unknown caused everyone to become overwrought.
Maybe you could suggest, during the summer hols, you meet your family and have a day together? See how parental discipline works, discuss with parents how they organise their family life. Discuss generally, not “ When I had young children etc etc”. There may be tensions of which you are unaware, but can maybe see where you can help, perhaps in the day?
Your grandchildren’s company is too precious to allow this experience to sour the relationship.

Luckygirl3

If the children are at my house without their parents, my rules apply, and I will discipline them as necessary.

Once their parents appear, then the responsibility is transferred to them.

Short and to the point, and, what’s more, actually answering the original question!

There's not much of any age-gap between the 3 of them - I hope that they ( & no mention of 'daddy' in all this ) have a breathing space of 3+ years before considering any more- or not . Because there's not much of an age-gap it does make it more stressful.
Maybe the daughter's one of those who believes "they-can-have-it-all"....well maybe they can- but only at the expense of their parents & children!

Milly12

I can only repeat it is the parents joint responsibility to look after their children!

My own daughter would never ask me to take on more that I can cope with and if ever I texted her to say that one of her children was upset she would be over like a shot to sort the issue out!!

This ^^

We consider our GC to be their parentS responsibility, not ours.

If I/we watch our GC I/we expect their parentS to instantly retrieve them if there is any problem. That is our rule - grans home, grans rules.

Lieve2024

You have done nothing wrong, your Daughter needs to grow up and give you some respect you were trying to help and your hands were very full. Your home your rules. Hold your head high x

You think hitting her grandchild was doing nothing wrong?

You have done nothing wrong, your Daughter needs to grow up and give you some respect you were trying to help and your hands were very full. Your home your rules. Hold your head high x

Aren’t they also his children?
Presumably she was at home with the 18 month old.

I told my daughter by text to come back for them but she was upset and sent her husband instead

They are her children! Her responsibility!

I can only repeat it is the parents joint responsibility to look after their children!

My own daughter would never ask me to take on more that I can cope with and if ever I texted her to say that one of her children was upset she would be over like a shot to sort the issue out!!

It really sounds like having 3 young children all together was simply too much. Was there a specific reason that you chose to have the cousin at the same time?

The activity club is difficult when you are a working parent. Depending on the activity many won't accept you signing up for odd days - it is the whole week or nothing. Many young children find it harder as well if they miss days and friendship groups are formed without them. But it can ve very full-on for a 5 year old.

To me he sounded like an unsettled, overtired and overwrought 5 year old who required a little distraction rather than discipline. I used to find that a tantrum could be diverted by getting them to look for something silly. Along the lines of "Oh my goodness is that a dragon/dinosaur/ Wizard/elephant (or whatever) flying past/in the garden" - by the time we have rushed to the window to look they have forgotten the upset.

OldEnough2noBetter

Doodledog How early do you rise to practise your pomposity?

Not as early as many must to to hone their judgment skills

If you actually read what I said, apart from not agreeing with hitting children I haven’t criticised the OP, but asked for more information as it wasn’t there until pages and pages of people saying her daughter is selfish, entitled and worse. The poor woman hasn’t had a chance to give her side of a very one-sided story, and people have piled on to say how dreadful she is. If it’s pompous to question that, what can I say?

Tennisnan

I can't offer any advice just sympathy as Im in exactly the same position. Babysat 2 gc girls, 12 and 3 for 4 days after another friend of the family had them for first 3 days of the week. They were already fractious and missing M & D by the time I took over. Went from bad to worse with 12 y/o reporting back on me to parents on her own phone. Parents are now not speaking to me over "poor quality and lack of" wattsapp messages. They were in Bahamas so couldn't help so when I did message and send pics (every day) I said everything was fine so as not to ruin their holiday. Obvs older gd was reporting differently. Sad as needless to say I won't be doing it again.

I don't blame you one bit. Modern parents seem to be so utterly entitled. You should read some of the quite vicious comments on Mumsnet about grandparents. One glass of orange squash, for example, is enough, to go "no contact" for life. Despite the fact that the offending grandmother has been offering hours of free childcare and performing handstands to do school pick ups.

Frankly it makes me even more relieved that I'm not a grandparent. I have no wish to spend my remaining years bringing up children. Especially as it seems you can't do right for doing wrong.

Milly12

Am amazed at how unsympathetic some of the responses are!
Looking after little kids is hard
We are none of us as young as we were
It is the parents joint responsibility to look after their children
Asking grandma to look after 3 little kids without support is exploitation and should be called out as such

Grandma doesn’t have to say yes especially if she thinks smacking is the answer to issues, I’m a mum to 5 and a nan to 6 and would never lay a finger on any of them

Regardless of why he was playing up you had no right to lay a finger on that child and in fact where I am in wales it’s abuse

Am amazed at how unsympathetic some of the responses are!
Looking after little kids is hard
We are none of us as young as we were
It is the parents joint responsibility to look after their children
Asking grandma to look after 3 little kids without support is exploitation and should be called out as such

eazybee your answer is thoughtful and reasoned. I agree.