Disciplining grandchildren when in my home

My first thought was what was the reason for the sleepover? Was there some special event that your daughter was going to/had maybe paid for tickets/had made arrangements with other people? I think I would be wanting to apologise to her for agreeing to look after children and then reneging on the deal after they'd brought children and all their bits and bobs to your home.
I also think it's very wrong that when child of that age lashes out at you in frustration you chose to smack him back. Not teaching a very good lesson there.
Yes, your daughter is acting childishly now by not speaking to you, perhaps she's very angry at having her plans disrupted and will calm down soon so that you can both discuss this calmly.

I notice that it's the little boy who s upset and not his sister. Thinking back to when our friends' children wee young it was always the boys who wanted their mums, to the extent that they often had to collect them in the early hours. Never a problem with the girls.

Whoops. Do NOT tap or smack your grandchildren, or you might find you never see them again. I know someone that happened to! That child rearing technique is dated I’m afraid.
You just need to deal with bad behaviour, like a childminder would I’m afraid. It’s part of the role. Otherwise you are letting the parents down I’m afraid .

Personally I wouldn't have 3 GC at one time. Your daughter needs to get a different balance for the sake of her poor children. I can't condone putting them in day club when she's at home. She needs to give the children some undivided attention. Finally smacking whether it be a "tap on the bottom" is not the answer. The child was clearly desperate for his Mother's attention.

Whatever the ins and outs of the arrangements, I am horrified to think that a distressed child is "tapped on the bottom" rather than being comforted or watched from a distance to ensure he doesn't hurt himself until he settled. Physical violence just means more crying, more upset, more worry for the other children. I think the parent deserves an apology for making a bad situation worse.
That said, it is obviously too much for you and your daughter needs to know that. Not talking to you resolves nothing.

Your daughter has let her son down.you have not let her down at all.

Regardless you were in the wrong to hit the child and in Scotland that would be illegal If you can't cope with looking after young children then DON'T

It strikes me that long and judgemental posts are of very little assistance in this situation. The OP is doing a tremendous favour for her daughter and that recipient should be grateful and communicative. She should not be sulking and offline to an older relative who is prepared to look after her own children on her day off.

It was just too much for you, and you snapped. Not good, but hey, we are all human. You must stick to boundaries and NOT accept all the GCs at the same time, and not let yourself be pressurised to do so.

So sad, speaking to friends, that many ACs will put parents in such a situation, again and again, blackmailing and threatening too, saying that 'if you don't want to have them (as often and whenever, following all rules to the minute letter, etc)- then we won't let them see you or visit you. I am forever grateful mine have never behaved in that way.

I wouldn't agree to have your 2 DGC at the same time as their cousin again. 3 together sounds like too much. In future either have your DD's 2 on one weekend and your other younger DGC another weekend.

Hmm not sure if a tap on the bottom was what was needed here. If mum can’t handle the 3 kids on her days off, why did she have a third one? I say this as a mother of 3 who dealt with a husband being deployed all over the world for months at the time. I believe that children need the attention of mum and dad and if they don’t get that you get scenes like this. If you are in the habit (and I don’t say you are) to tap their bottom when disciplining the children, that might be why he cried for his mum. Saying that, it’s a bit much for grandma to have 3 kids under the age of 6 unless there’s a good reason for it. It can quickly become too much and I think you did the right thing by calling your daughter back. At the end of the day, these are her kids and if they ‘play up’ then they have to take over

I think having three very young children, a job (even part time) running a home is hard work and lots of people don't cope very well. I know I didn't (though I didn't have my mum on standby to help) I found it really hard. But it sounds like you are finding it hard going too OP so maybe start saying no more?

Grams2five

Completely agree. Five is so little yet, he wanted his mummy, seems a cuddle and a hug and reassurances was more wanted than a smack

I agree. Holding your arms open and saying "Do you want a cuddle" leaves the choice with the upset little one and usually works. Once cuddled a favourite snack, a story book, a jigsaw or even some TV will help too.

However the bigger issue really is about why he was so upset and needed his mum. I think her focus on being "let down" by you (unreasonable anyway) is not the right focus. I don't think your focus on who should sort it out when it happens is the right one either!

The focus should be on the little boys needs within a wider context than this one unfortunate upset.

And I hope your daughter will discuss this with you reasonably, very soon!

Completely agree. Five is so little yet, he wanted his mummy, seems a cuddle and a hug and reassurances was more wanted than a smack

When my grandsons were young I looked after them a lot from babyhood to school age when I used to meet them and take them home until their mum came to collect them after work. I had the house set up with activities they loved. I am only setting the scene as one day I met the youngest from school (older brother now at secondary school)and he said he didn’t want to go home with me and started to make a fuss. Parents nearby looked at me in a curious way and I thought they must think I was the granny from hell. Took him home and he settled but seemed disgruntled. When his mum arrived I told her what had happened. It turned out his dad was at home for the day and he had wanted to go home to be with him. When I was teaching young children I remember a child who had been happily coming to school until one day there were tears - turned out granny was visiting for the day and she wanted to see her. Three children at once was a lot for you. Your daughter should have understood that.

I agree that with you that the situation was out of control. The 5 year old probably went screaming to mum and dad that his Nanna hit him. Your daughter is upset because they have to hire a child sitter instead of getting a free one. Yes you were being taken advantage of. That is not your job.

Oldbat1

I cant believe or understand the predicaments folk get themselves into. I would not allow myself to be used in this way! Folk choose to have children then it is entirely their responsibility to parent properly.

Indeed.

I didn't impose our children on mum, I went with to do the work. Likewise I expect our children to care for theirs, I'm not one to take on work.

Others responsibilities are not my problems. Repeating that to oneself often - is a brilliant way to keep chaos away. Why ask for troubles?

I cant believe or understand the predicaments folk get themselves into. I would not allow myself to be used in this way! Folk choose to have children then it is entirely their responsibility to parent properly.

Back to summer holidays. Back to childcare on my day off.
I never really know how many I’m going to get. As they are now all at school I realise how much joy they have all brought me over the last twenty plus years, and feel privileged that the mid teens still like to come and stay
So although those early years can be challenging, try and look at the years ahead, try not to damage your relationship.

I agree with most things said 3 young children is a real handful your daughter needs to be told this is too much and why does she not look after her own child those 2 days she’s off work that to me is the biggest worry

RosiesMaw2

^She sounds irresponsible, selfish and immature^

I simply do not get how some people feel they have the right to pass judgement on somebody they know diddley squat about.

Even if I were moaning about my AC there is no way I would countenance anybody else criticising them!
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I don’t get it either, nor do I get how much people have often inferred from an original question, and passed judgement on the little information given by the person asking the question, sometimes accompanied by something like, ‘ We need more information’, or ‘ You need to tell us why he/ she/ they’ did a certain thing.

* Rosie’s Maw*, to anyone else criticising another’s family member, my mother always said, ‘ Third cat, keep oot’!

I love my AC and GC and help out with regular childcare after school with the older ones and all day once a week with the youngest, but would not hesitate to say that I couldn't do it if it became too much or if there were issues. Luckily, we have had the important conversation some time ago and both my daughers are aware that I will tell them if I feel we need a break or the arrangements need to change, with compromises on both sides if necessary.

Communication is key here. If my DDs weren't aware that I/we were struggling because I hadn't told them, how are they supposed to to know?

Doodledog

Given the new information, I can see that the OP would be tired and stressed. It's a long time since I looked after three children at once, and I'm sure I wouldn't find it easy either. A lot depends on the age and health of the granny too.

All the same, I do enjoy the company of children, and would love to have grandchildren of my own (well, you know what I mean). As I said, though, we are all different. I couldn't do what my sister does.

I adore my grandchildren /their children with their mums - many people love others whilst not wanting work that young children bring.

Indeed, we are all different. My focus would not be that of everyone.

Given the new information, I can see that the OP would be tired and stressed. It's a long time since I looked after three children at once, and I'm sure I wouldn't find it easy either. A lot depends on the age and health of the granny too.

All the same, I do enjoy the company of children, and would love to have grandchildren of my own (well, you know what I mean). As I said, though, we are all different. I couldn't do what my sister does.

She sounds irresponsible, selfish and immature

I simply do not get how some people feel they have the right to pass judgement on somebody they know diddley squat about.

Even if I were moaning about my AC there is no way I would countenance anybody else criticising them!
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