Disciplining grandchildren when in my home

unless this was a one-off and they were all going out somewhere special.
This is my point, really. We just don't know, and it does make a difference. Does the OP look after them when the daughter is at work? She doesn't say that, I don't think (I may have missed it, but I don't think so). It's not clear whether the 18 month old is the daughter's or not, either - she is described as a cousin and also as her daughter's child.

Seriously - does a granny babysitting her grandchildren really equate to a mother taking advantage? My mum didn't look after mine, but I'd be very happy to babysit for my grandchildren if I have them, and wouldn't see it as being taken advantage of.

Doodledog

Also (sorry - my connection is slow) if he learns that when he screams Granny will bring Mummy back from her night out, he is likely to do it every time. If he learns that it's ok - he is loved and will have a good time at Granny's until Mummy comes back tomorrow, he will settle down much faster next time, if there is a next time.

Good point.

I agree that there were better ways of handling this but hadNotjustaprettyface already looked after the grandchildren during the week when her DD was working?

It sounds as if the parents were taking advantage, unless this was a one-off and they were all going out somewhere special.

Also (sorry - my connection is slow) if he learns that when he screams Granny will bring Mummy back from her night out, he is likely to do it every time. If he learns that it's ok - he is loved and will have a good time at Granny's until Mummy comes back tomorrow, he will settle down much faster next time, if there is a next time.

I agree it is all too much for you and them while your daughter takes advantage. Is the 18 month old a sibling or a cousin ?

Callistemon213

^What made you think the boy had been missing his mum? ^
He screamed and cried and wanted to run after her car as she left.

He would probably have settled down but it does seem odd to me that she would put the child into activity days on the days she has off work. Even if he's used to going to school, he may still be wondering what fun his sister is getting up to at home with Mum (unless she is sent off to activity days too). He's obviously seeking his mother's attention so something is wrong.

Maybe. It's hard to tell from the post though.

I remember children crying when their mums or dads left them at playgroup, nursery and even school, but they calmed down as soon as they were given a toy to play with, joined in a game or were distracted by a teacher. It's quite normal, I think.

Also, it can be tricky to get to activity days when both parents also have to get to work, so it's possible that that it's only on days off that they are possible. Again, not easy to tell, but the tone of the post is critical of the mother, which seems to me unfair.

Your little grandson was very distressed, it sounds as though he’d reached the end of his tether (as had you), and at 5 years old has limited ways of expressing his feelings, hence the screaming and hitting.
I agree that he needed cuddles and comfort, preferably from his mother.

GrannyGravy13

I do not think he needed discipline, I think he needed cuddles and reassurance.

A calm quiet voice, smiles and let him know he was safe and loved.

Maybe he wasn’t amenable to cuddles. It’s not always that easy.

Not long ago my 4 yo Gdd was quite happy in the bath, until SiL put his head round the door to say (in code) that he was going to pick up Gds from karate.

But she twigged - was out of the bath and downstairs, literally screaming for daddy for at least 10 minutes, wouldn’t let me anywhere near to dry her or put her pyjamas on.
Eventually she collapsed on a sofa and fell instantly asleep. I just covered her with a blanket.
She was fine when she woke up minutes later - but daddy and siblings were back by then.

Having said all of that, three young children is a lot for anyone to look after, particularly if it's not in their own home with their own toys etc. I'm sure most of us would have found it a struggle.

What made you think the boy had been missing his mum?
He screamed and cried and wanted to run after her car as she left.

He would probably have settled down but it does seem odd to me that she would put the child into activity days on the days she has off work. Even if he's used to going to school, he may still be wondering what fun his sister is getting up to at home with Mum (unless she is sent off to activity days too). He's obviously seeking his mother's attention so something is wrong.

18 month old cousin, I think.

Will respect, this is a very partial account. Not all of the things I mention will be relevant, but there is not enough information in your post to answer fairly, so I'm jut throwing ideas out there.

Where was your daughter going? If the children were staying because she had an important appointment or a big social event it is different from if she wanted a night off, although even then, she will have made plans around not having the children, and you let her down at the last minute. What would you expect an apology for? I would apologise profusely if I'd agreed to look after children then rescinded the offer because I couldn't cope, and ruined someone's evening, but I wouldn't expect them to apologise to me.

Did you want to have the children? Was there no way you could distract the little boy? Children often cry when their parents leave, but settle down quickly when distracted, particularly when they are in the care of someone whose company they enjoy and where they feel safe.

Does your daughter 'put your grandson into activity days' because he enjoys them, because he is a handful, or are you suggesting (as your choice of words maybe suggests) that she doesn't want to spend time with him? If he is 'difficult', maybe your daughter needs support? What about her husband? Does he work?

Does your daughter know that you use physical punishment on her children? My mother might have described her approach as 'a tap on the bottom', but that is not what my sister and I remember about it, and was very clear that under no circumstances was she allowed to hit my children on the rare occasions she looked after them. I am reluctant to believe those who claim to 'tap' children, as there is absolutely no point in doing that. If you believe in physical punishment the child has to dislike it, and therefore it has to hurt to be effective (if it is ever effective, which I doubt, but that is a different debate). If your daughter doesn't approve of her children being hit and you do it anyway, it suggests that you see your way of doing things as the only way and are prepared to over-rule the parents, so maybe there is a disconnect between your own and your daughter's views on behaviour (yours and the grandson's).

What made you think the boy had been missing his mum? Many, if not most children are at school five days a week at five (most start at four) and yes, they get tired, but it's quite unusual to assume that bad behaviour is down to missing their mum. Does he see his father? Or miss him? You do come across as if you blame your daughter for her son's behaviour - do you disapprove of her working? Maybe you think her husband should cut his hours so they can better share the care of their children? Either way, it is up to them how they divide the childcare responsibilities, and you are probably best advised to keep out of it.

To be honest (and as I say, only given the limited information in your post) it sounds as though you are right that the situation was out of control, and that you weren't able to take control of it. As the responsible adult, it is vital that you are in charge, so maybe it's better if you don't look after the children overnight in future. It can be unsettling for children to feel that there is no responsible adult in the room. Of course it should be up to you to fix problems as they arise - who else is going to do it?

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. I realise that it sounds critical, but there seems to be a subtext of resentment in your post, and your grandchildren will pick up on any reluctance to have them and to take responsibility for being in charge.

Im sorry, I missed the fact you had an 8month old as well as 4 and 5 year old. I agree with others, that’s too much for a gran. Your daughters expectations too high

Thank you shelflife
Your words reassure me
I did say exactly that to my daughter but she didn’t reply

Very sad for all involved. He’s only 5 and was probably exhausted by his week. Out of school activities are fun but can be a challenge especially the first time they attend. He sounds to have been over tired and needed some quiet reassuring down time. I didn’t hit my own children and can’t imagine smacking a grandchild.

Your question about who should handle a situation that you felt was out of control. I’d expect that to be me if it blew up at my house. I hope you can work through this as a family

That’s exactly what I think tickingbird
She has 3 children aged 5, 3 and 18 months
I think she finds it too much looking after the 3 on her days off

I remember , when I was looking after my daughter’s children, 6 and 4 at the time, the 4 year old just didn’t stop crying for her mum. So I had to ring my daughter at work. She had a lovely Boss, who gave her the day off. What a relief! The little girl just would not have settled, if her mother hadn’t come. She would have made herself ill.

At that age reassurance and diversions are effective. Any small creature will respond with aggression when it is panicking.

GrannyGravy13

I do not think he needed discipline, I think he needed cuddles and reassurance.

A calm quiet voice, smiles and let him know he was safe and loved.

Yes, this. But I think it's important to clearly lay out any ground rules with the parents re discipline. It's all very well to say 'my house, my rules', but it's also important to have consistency.
And smacking - even a 'tap' on the bottom - is actually illegal here in Scotland, but also very much frowned upon by many parents now.

tickingbird

Why did your daughter put your grandson in an activity centre for two whole days on her only days off? She then brings them to you at the end of the week to sleep over. When does she spend any time with her child?

Yes, why?

No wonder he played up, he needed a cuddle, not a tap on the bottom but I do think it was too much for you.

It's a bit much, expecting you to have three under-fives for a sleepover, Notjustaprettyface! What are the parents doing? Your DD only works part-time, does she not want to spend time with her two little ones when she has time off?

She's the one who needs chastising, not your DGS. She's taking advantage of you.

Your DD is pushing her luck! You had three children in your care the youngest only 8 months,- more than enough. When your DD has two days off she should be with her children -not pushing them into activity days, I think you know that. Poor little chap just needs his mums love and attention. You should not be put on this situation again - put a stop to it today!!! Your GS hit you out of pure frustration. You have not let your DD down she and her DH are letting their children down , their children their responsibility. Poor child trust to run after his mummy's car! Your DD needs to grow up!

GrannyGravy13

I do not think he needed discipline, I think he needed cuddles and reassurance.

A calm quiet voice, smiles and let him know he was safe and loved.

I agree. 5 is still very young.

He shouldn’t have hit you and I understand how awful it must have been for you and him and the other children.

However small the tap on his bottom was it is not a great idea to smack other people’s children.

I think your DD needs to build some time into her busy schedule to do some nice things with her children.

Sad situation all around.

I do not think he needed discipline, I think he needed cuddles and reassurance.

A calm quiet voice, smiles and let him know he was safe and loved.

If your D wants you to have the children for sleep overs, then she has to be prepared to communicate with you if there are any problems. Not wanting to talk to you at the moment and believing you have let her down, is IMO an over reaction and rather childish.

You need to discuss what happened so everyone concerned can decide what's the best course of action if this were to happen again.

Why did your daughter put your grandson in an activity centre for two whole days on her only days off? She then brings them to you at the end of the week to sleep over. When does she spend any time with her child?