Disrespectful daughter and son in law

GrauntyHelen

Define respect because to me it sounds like you expect unending gratitude and praise for all the help you clearly resent giving If that's the case you probably also expect to comment on their life and decisions too Your daughter bis sick of being made to feel how that does and has taken that power from you I expect she's on Mumsnet and was advised to go no or low contact

This ^

I was less than articulate asking if you were keeping score. It seems as if you expect a lot on praise for? every thing, which you willingly thrust upon your daughter. Leave well enough alone and wait silently.

I, too, suspect D is fast heading towards no contact.

I, too, suspect D is fast heading towards no contact. What a dreadful response to the OP Norah.

She's not even alluded too any concerns that her D would choose to go no contact so why put that thought into her head?

No contact may be on the increase but thankfully it's not everyone's 'go to' response when there are issues that need to be resolved.

Smileless2012

^I, too, suspect D is fast heading towards no contact^. What a dreadful response to the OP Norah.

She's not even alluded too any concerns that her D would choose to go no contact so why put that thought into her head?

No contact may be on the increase but thankfully it's not everyone's 'go to' response when there are issues that need to be resolved.

Thank you for effectively referencing my opinion as wrong. Opinions, everyone has one. You have your opinions as well.

Actually, OPs post reminds me of a mum who with lists to every thing she "did for" her D - down to driving D to uni (as we all do) roundabouts, etc.

That poster kept score to all, and ended estranged if I recall.

It's a lesson in not complaining, accepting others choices.

The OP is not that poster Norah.

Smileless2012

The OP is not that poster Norah.

Thank you.

Doesn't matter. "That poster" was example to equally daft behaviour.

Keeping score alienates people, give freely or don't bother. Attempting to buy people (monetarily or deeds) is largely unsuccessful.

I think it isn't good to keep a tally

Just give what you can when you can, whether that is money or time makes no difference, never overburden yourself, they are grown adults after all and once a thank you is given, it should be forgotten

Get your own life, go out for lunch, cinema, mid-week breaks and long holidays. Why do you need to have the child when she only works three days a week?

Amatino68
‘Personally I believe that my daughter started all this last year
when he second child was only 9 months old. She flew off the handle one day at me when she rang me to say that whilst with a friend having coffee, she phoned me to say that her daughter had fallen off a chair. Was she expecting me to rush there? From then on she decided not to speak to me, to the extreme that she deleted me from Whatsapp and FB.’

However unreasonable you might think it, your daughter apparently reached out to you for help when her baby fell off a chair. Maybe she was expecting /hoping you would rush over and support/comfort her. Presumably you live fairly near as you met your grandson from nursery. She may have overreacted to your not going to see her when she felt worried and vulnerable.
As for son in law, he may well be intelligent, well educated, and highly paid but without much in the way of social skills and empathy. Was your husband asked to put up fences, decorate or did he just take the jobs on himself without discussion?
Like most problems in personal relations this all seems to possibly come down to lack of adequate communication. Perhaps you could try having a ‘cooling off’ period until September then be open to requests or suggestions from you daughter which you can then discuss.

I have been there since speaking up about language used by one grandson in particular last Christmas. I live on my own 15 mins drive from them and have not been included in anything this year. Heartbreaking all I have done for them totally forgotten.

This is a horrible hurtful situation to be in.
You have been more than supportive and now rejected when it suits your daughter.
I have had a similar experience.
Best thing to do, get on with your life and hope your family manage well without you. When you come together as you will, let’s hope there is more mutual respect. Please don’t be too upset, its what she wants so move on.



,

Elrel

Amatino68
‘Personally I believe that my daughter started all this last year
when he second child was only 9 months old. She flew off the handle one day at me when she rang me to say that whilst with a friend having coffee, she phoned me to say that her daughter had fallen off a chair. Was she expecting me to rush there? From then on she decided not to speak to me, to the extreme that she deleted me from Whatsapp and FB.’

However unreasonable you might think it, your daughter apparently reached out to you for help when her baby fell off a chair. Maybe she was expecting /hoping you would rush over and support/comfort her. Presumably you live fairly near as you met your grandson from nursery. She may have overreacted to your not going to see her when she felt worried and vulnerable.
As for son in law, he may well be intelligent, well educated, and highly paid but without much in the way of social skills and empathy. Was your husband asked to put up fences, decorate or did he just take the jobs on himself without discussion?
Like most problems in personal relations this all seems to possibly come down to lack of adequate communication. Perhaps you could try having a ‘cooling off’ period until September then be open to requests or suggestions from you daughter which you can then discuss.

I agree with you Elrel. I’m also wondering if your daughter’s outburst, ”Well, I could get cancer”, betrays a real anxiety on her part regarding her health?

I would just contact her in a non-confrontational way in the near future, with no mention of the change in child-care arrangements, just keeping the doors of communication open.

Bellzy

I’d just say ‘OK, no problem. See you soon’

Then maybe in three weeks or so, ask if she’d like you to take the kids to the beach/zoo/whatever for an afternoon. Worst case scenario she says ‘no’ but at least you’d be keeping in touch.

I learnt a v painful lesson with my parents; you can love someone but not like them.

I totally agree with this approach but not leave it three weeks. It's the summer holidays so make the most of them and do some lovely activities together. For the future, just meet socially ( no jobs) perhaps having them round for tea every couple of weeks etc. I hope you manage to get your relationship back on track

If you say something then you may not be able to see your grandchildren .

I'd say nothing .

Your daughter does sound disrespectful .
Sadly , this seems to have become rather too frequent these days .
One of my friends has her daughter living in her house and she's not allowed to touch her baby -yet another child fathered by yet another man ,who has disappeared .
Another friend , who suffers from OCD and agoraphobia regularly gets yelled at if she can't babysit .
I do have a few friends , who are valued and treasured by their families , but far too many who aren't .

Thank goodness for your posts Violet Sky. So refreshing when compared with some of the other posters on here.

One of my friends has her daughter living in her house and she's not allowed to touch her bay what a ridiculous situation to be in Esmay and for your friend with OCD and agoraphobia .

This thread reminds us to comment on what the OP can do, whilst refraining from disrespecting her daughter and sil. We don't know what the daughter and sil have experienced, or their view.

It seems to me the daughter has pulled back, isn't taking advantage now, perhaps taking time to cool down and reset the relationship.

Sil keeping silent at deaths? Depends on expectations of the immediate family and the add-on family (sil).

Tea? Red herring.

Decorating, garden work, cash for this that or mortgage - give freely expect nothing. No Tally, notches in stick need be kept.

I'd just say 'Ok darling.. see you soon'.. and get on with my life. Don't take offence and remain pleasant..

I do feel a bit sorry for your husband as he sounds like he is doing his best for them, but it does seem a bit odd that he couldn't make himself a cup of tea.

I think also that if you give a gift it should be freely given with no expectation of reciprocity..

However as previous posters have said.. your daughter may be very unhappy, why did she leave her job? and if she is at home why does she need childcare?.. Maybe try to have an open conversation with her.. she might be upset because you are not really seeing what is going on in her life.. we can only make suppositions I'm afraid...

I am sorry that you are in this pain. It is so difficult to navigate family relationships sometimes. You often only get part of the story. You are a good mum. Just make sure she knows you are there for her if she needs you.
She is unlikely to acknowledge that she is in the wrong. It’s just something we mums have to swallow in the name of peace and love. It will come right and you will be glad that you didn’t react in anger or insist that you have the moral high ground. Do something nice for yourself, you deserve it.

From what you've said, it sounds as though your SIL is a difficult person. Perhaps your daughter is very unhappy, perhaps she goes along with what her husband wants and feels caught between a rock and a hard place? Just a thought - it may not be accurate.
Probably best not to dwell on the decisions about childcare but make it clear you're there for her and would like to see your grandson and maybe take him out for the day or for lunch whenever it suits them.
In as far as it's in your power, keep lines of communication open and let your daughter know you're there for her.
Some things about this remind me of my ( about to be ex) SIL. There may come a day when your daughter desperately needs your support ( I hope I'm wrong)
I would continue to care about them and love them, but do things you want to do in the meantime for your own wellbeing. I hope it all turns out ok - especially for your grandson.

I'm sure you feel hurt by their actions and attitude. My take is slightly different.
How happy is your daughter in the relationship with her husband? You say he has changed her, is she able to be herself with him or is she going along with him to keep the peace? It can be reasonably assumed that SiL's lack of courtesy with you will also be in play at home and trying to maintain a marriage that is not rewarding, coping with young children, working and trying to navigate a 'tricky' family dynamic must be exhausting but also could explain why she reacts tearfully and defensively IMHO.
I may be totally wrong but I know during my very unhappy long marriage I sometimes lashed out at my lovely parents just because I was in fear of upsetting my (longtime ex) husband.

just be relieved you can do as you wish.. no need to be offended.

GrauntyHelen

Define respect because to me it sounds like you expect unending gratitude and praise for all the help you clearly resent giving If that's the case you probably also expect to comment on their life and decisions too Your daughter bis sick of being made to feel how that does and has taken that power from you I expect she's on Mumsnet and was advised to go no or low contact

Why are you always so nasty? You say you are s Vicar or some such. I am so glad I'm not a member of your Church.

I know there's always two sides to everything. The daughter’s message was passive aggressive, but why? I know you did a lot to help but I'm sure you wanted to. Because I am estranged I fear it. I would have to either write back to her or phone as your relationship is under pressure. Say you hope every things ok between you, respect her wishes and have that break but let her know you are always here for her. She sounds as if shes under pressure, she must know your low opinion you have of her husband. Time apart will do both sides good but after 6 months I would make contact and show you care. I couldn't talk to my daughter, she would either freeze me out or shout, so I avoided conflict.looking back I didn't do the right thing, now there is no going back. I never in my life thought she would estrange me as i loved her more than anyone, I still don’t know what ever it was she didn’t feel she could tell me, which is my fault as I bought her up. Its ok having a break but you don't want estrangement, its awful

Elaine what a lovely post.

Babs03

So sorry, this must sting.
Don’t say anything because I am sure it will just become an argument. Make yourselves busy with other things, show your daughter that you actually have a life, and try to ride this out.
Our grown children can sometimes take us for granted and be disrespectful. Don’t rise to the bait, keep well out of it and make sure she knows that you are not sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself.
This too will pass and am sure when school starts up again the alternative childcare she has found may not be as trustworthy or reliable. Depends whether you want to just jump straight back in again though. You might just want to take a holiday after schools go back and prices come down.

Excellent advice