Partner won’t accept my grandchild

LOUISA1523

Me and DP share 3 children and 3 GC ...no others but many of my friends are in blended family set ups .....they all say it can be difficult....and more so when GC come along if they haven't had a relationship with the AC as a child .....one friend said its been a case of fake it til you make it , with her DPs GC ...she says she had no interest in them at all ....but makes the effort at family gatherings ....and says all the right things...but encourages her DP to spend time with them without her....she says over the years she has developed a bit of fondness for them ...but thats it .....and I think I get that...you can't force relationships .....and however lovely it is for you to have a new grandchild its never going to be like that for your DP ....If he isn't discouraging you having a relationship with your GC and spending time with them....then sometimes this is as good as it gets ....he can't be something he's not...your life has changed ie you now a granny....his hasn't.....I hope you can make it work

This is such a useful, reassuring post for any of us in blended families. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Oh that's right.
Stay in your own place, it seems as if he is constantly upping the pressure, without actually saying the words "It's me or your kids".

Don’t move. He can move 5 hours away on his own if he so wishes.
Get your ducks in a row

We do live together although he wants to move (5 hours away)!

When I told him my daughter was pregame didn’t speak to me for ages….

Said can’t believe I’m going out with a granny!

Jealous of my pictures on my phone of GC

I really do need to have a good think about things, thank you for all your advice I do read them all 😌

lemsip

my ex daughter inlaw married a man with no children and they bought a four bed detached house where her children of 20/22 are not allowed to live!........how can a mother do that I ask. put a man before her blood!

I'd kick him into touch

‘Kick him into touch’. I’d kick him out, and good riddance!

Frenchie100

I’ve been with my partner 8 years he has no children me I have 1 and recently a new grandchild, he’s always been a bit of a loner never married etc, things were great at first , then it changed, he’s not interested whatsoever in my family/ child she’s just given me the most precious gift in my grandchild and he is just not interested, I’m so sad that he’s like it, does get kids etc , there’s so much more but I could be here for days, I really am thinking of being single 😔

Perhaps ask yourself which matters most to you, what he thinks of your children and theirs or your relationship with him?

Nobody can answer that for you.

I feel the same as David, I'm afraid.
As I've said, I'll always make an effort, but other people's children don't fill me with snuggly feelings.

Saying that, I would always expect a person's children to be more important than me in a relationship, and I don't feel jealous about that, because it is as it should be.

Cuao

my advice is to get rid of your partner! Grandchildren are a blessing and will always be in your life and love you. Being single has its own blessings too. Ive been single since 1989 and highly recommend it xxx

Yes, ditch him! Apart from how he feels about children, his jealousy is a big worry! He might be ok at first when you visit/babysit but, mark my words, after a while resentment and jealousy will rear their ugly heads and you will end up being made to feel bad every time you engage with your children and grandchildren.
Grandchildren are amazing. I have four and they are so very precious to me. I hope you can get to enjoy yours and if it’s without him, well, he brought it on himself!

David49

I’m not interested in babies, older grandchildren children are OK in small doses, it wouldn’t cause any serious issue if my wife took regular interest in grandchildren I’d find something else to do.
However caring for a baby full time so mum can work is different that would not please me, my wife’s attitude is their kids they look after them, so beyond evening babysitting doesn’t get involved.

Wow! You REALLY don’t want to know do you?
‘Older grandchildren are ok in small doses’.
How very kind of you!
I am SO glad I wasn’t married to a man like you and I feel so sorry for your family having such a cold, unfeeling person around them! Also, not that you’ll care, the relationship between a grandparent and grandchild is precious and irreplaceable. I feel sorry for you. You are in danger of becoming a bitter and twisted old man whose disapproval of the child will spoil things for everyone else.
Have a good life! They won’t, with you in it!

Why do you want him to have your same interests?

Why do you want him to change who he is because you now have a gc?

Why can't you have a partner and you show interest in your gc?

Some people adore their babies at first sight; others need time to develop those bonds through caring for a small helpless creature. Maybe your partner will find in time that an appealing toddler is more interesting than a baby, and he can begin to form a relationship. I hope so.

It seems that may be just the tip of the iceberg, though.

As long as he’s interested in you! This baby is not his blood, even if it was, he may still not be interested- shame to finish an eight year relationship because of this

Sorry to say it but it's your grandkid, not your partners, he's made it clear he isn't interested and isn't interested in marriage etc. It's his life and his choice, you can't force him to love the kid even if he was the biological granddad!

My stepfather is estranged from his own children (mainly because of bad mouthing their mother in front of them). He took no interest in my children and eventually persuaded my mother to move 70 miles away. He is a complete narcissist and without going into details has caused my mother a huge amount of stress. One of his children made contact with his grandchildren but he made no effort. I'm not saying your husband is as bad as this, what I want to say is, beware of your husband trying to isolate you.

my ex daughter inlaw married a man with no children and they bought a four bed detached house where her children of 20/22 are not allowed to live!........how can a mother do that I ask. put a man before her blood!

I'd kick him into touch

If you are unhappy with your relationship with your partner itself, so that his reaction to your granddaughter is just one more symptom of a relationship that is making you generally unhappy then that's an entirely different matter .
Do you want out of the relationship itself ?
Janejudge asks the one of the crucial questions " Do you live together ?
If you are going to split then all the usual considerations apply and only you can make the decision.
Have you got a trusted , impartial friend to talk it over with?
Or could you see a Counsellor of some sort?

I also agree with Baggs- excellent advice.

Has he always been jealous of your relationship with your daughter (and now your new GC) or has it intensified since the arrival of your GD?

Being uninterested is a different thing to being jealous, though. Not everyone can relate easily to young babies, but if your partner is jealous of the relationship you have with your daughter and now GC, too, I’d be concerned. It sounds as if you need to have a good chat with him to try to find out why he feels the way he does, and if he starts to make your relationship with your D and GC a choice between him and them, then I think you know what needs to be done. This won’t be easy if you’re living together in the same house, but even so, your concerns need to be aired with him and then you will be in a clearer position to decide what is best for you.

I'd have to dump I'm afraid

So many red flags 🚩 IMO after 8 years in a relationship that from your comments is not a particularly happy one and sounds quite controlling behaviour, I think you already know the answer and it’s to move on. Your daughter/Grandchild is number one over any relationship in my book. Might sound harsh but I’ve been in a very similar relationship in the past (7 years) and couldn’t or rather didn’t see the signs of controlling behaviour until it was too late and I almost lost everything. Think i would take a long hard look at what it is you want/need from a partner .

As long a he doesn’t start huffing and puffing when you want to visit or they come to visit you then it’s his loss
If he starts that nonsense then don’t put up with it

If his lack of connection is a deliberate, jealousy driven issue, then I think you should perhaps look at the whole picture, as it is is always going to be something, with a jealous person.

Could he be autistic? I am, and in the early days of my grandchildren when they were babies I was really uncomfortable around them because I didn’t naturally take to them in the same way as my own children. I didn’t know how to interact with them and felt self conscious. All that changed when they got older and could talk. I still feel self conscious when other adults are around and it gives me anxiety. Even if he’s not on the spectrum he doesn’t have children so probably finds it difficult to interact if it doesn’t come naturally. If that is his only fault he will probably be fine once your grandchild is older.

my advice is to get rid of your partner! Grandchildren are a blessing and will always be in your life and love you. Being single has its own blessings too. Ive been single since 1989 and highly recommend it xxx