Haven't been allowed to see new grandson yet

away

TiggyW

In years gone by, before mobile phones and instant pics, there was no other way to see a new baby than to go and visit in person. It’s very tiring to have to welcome visitors when you desperately want to catch up on sleep!! Surely the new parents will now be bombarding you with photos and videos?

However we are not talking about 'visitors' here we are
talking about Grandparents.
I find it very strange that they should be excluded from
seeing a newborn in 'the family' because that is what it is.
This 'bonding' business seems like a 'new fad' to me and
may well turn out , in the long run , to be just that. Having
your nearest relatives actively showing their love for the
newborn is as natural as giving birth. As we all know the
'joy and miracle' of birth changes soon enough when the
reality of life steps up and then help is welcome so why
push others way?

In years gone by, before mobile phones and instant pics, there was no other way to see a new baby than to go and visit in person. It’s very tiring to have to welcome visitors when you desperately want to catch up on sleep!! Surely the new parents will now be bombarding you with photos and videos?

Yes, times change. Previous generations just "got on with it" and did as they were told. Nowadays we appreciate the need for respect for the new parents and we don't just assume that the new mum is well enough to welcome all and sundry in the first few hours or even days. And much depends on how many likely visitors there might be and their personalities. My DD knew she had very sensible parents and in-laws and knew we would not stay long at all, so we saw our GCs almost at once - fortunately both births went well. Other rellies were invited as they saw fit, with GGparents next on the list - also sensible people.

But I do understand the disappointment if you are told to wait and in some ways I think it is cruel. BUT, new parents are just that new, and one day they will be bursting to see their own Grandchildren and understand how you felt all those years ago. Meanwhile, don't make an issue, try not to be upset, just bide your time.

The suggestions of photos, whatsapp etc are of course excellent. Congratulations, and look forward to being more involved pretty soon.

Pheebee

Hello Katniss. I understand how you may be feeling as I have had the same. First grandson (IVF treatment so has been a long stressful period for parents-to-be)
Baby delivered 3wks early under 5lbs birth weight. We were all told ‘please wait till invited as new parents of our first born we really need some time together. Thank you for your patience- we’ll send lots of photos’. Katniss we have to understand how important it is for the new parents to be able to say what they can cope with etc.
The main focus has to be the newborn and then the parents and I have to say we, grandparents and rest of family need to form a straight line and……. patiently wait.
We had our invite when baby was 7wks.
We live a 3hr drive to new parents and we drove home the same day. Grateful all was well and oh so happy.

Very wise post Pheebee and your wise approach was to some extent enabled by the new parents communicating clearly, sending photos and asking for patience, quite understandably.

Katmiss you havent had that clear communication and photos but Pheebees kindly given advice re how to deal with this is spot on. 💐

EmilyHarburn we had our second baby in America and it was a huge relief to do it "our way" too.
It was the most amazing and magical time - just the four of us.

Friends don't persuade/interfere or"help" the way that even the most loving family can do.

Not everyone wants either attention nor to "show the baby off".

*

To those grans (and it is usually grans) who "don't understand" this desire to be alone in your new little family - really that is your issue I'm afraid.
Just as I don't understand why people want to holiday in a particular place that maybe I don't fancy or some people don't like tomatoes, we are all different.

As far as possible we should be allowed to make our own choices about how we choose to spend the time after a birth with our own new family. We can never get that time back.
If you genuinely don't understand - then please see your gift of patience as a true gift of love, which it undoubtedly is.

Thinking of all you who are struggling to understand.

I would have been so upset if I hadn't been able to see my grandchildren as soon as possible.. That said I waited to be asked rather than assume... I was lucky to be called to come to the hospital to visit them.
I really don't understand the 'wait' that seems to be the norm now.
When I had my children I encouraged everyone to come and see me in the hospital so that the visiting times/how many visitors etc gave the control of it all. Also I didn't have to play 'host'. It was perfect to me I was able to shower, rest etc(and it got it out the way in one go), when we went home we were allowed to grow as a little family without the bombardment of visitors

Lovely, generous post Pheebee.

suzie20 with our second baby I was due to stay in hospital until the Monday, but as everything was going ok the staff said I could go on Sunday if I preferred.
However... my mother-in-law was at our house that weekend and I didn't want her at the homecoming. I wanted it to be just my husband and our little daughter coming to collect myself and her new baby brother.
So I asked the staff if I could stay until Monday as planned, they were surprised but happy to agree, mother-in-law went home and I had the homecoming we wanted as a family. I'm glad I did.

I get the feeling that it is all about the culture that the families belong to.
Grandmothers seem to feel they have actual rights to see the baby.
Leave them alone to get through these first days but be there if necessary. Perhaps bake a lasagne or a cake and leave it on the doorstep.
Best wishes

40 years ago when I had my third baby I stayed in the maternity home for an extra few days (they weren't busy and in no hurry to send me home) Only my husband and other children were allowed to visit, my choice. In hindsight I wish I had done the same with the other two. I was so much more relaxed and felt she was just 'ours'. My mum was brilliant, no fuss at all, but mother in law was not at all happy. Tough luck, she got over it......eventually.

I have 2 adult children who are parents. With my daughter we were welcomed at the hospital to briefly meet (and hold!) the babies (she has 4 now).
With our son and DiL we were told to stay away and were not welcome.
Till today we have an amazing and close relationship with our daughter's kids, and with our son's we have a very remote relationship, of course partly because they live in a different country but also because of their attitude.
Our son and DiL have the view that it's the 2 of them, and then the "rest of the world" - and as GPs we are just part of that rest of the world.
Our daughter has very clear boundaries: they are the parents, we are the GPs and have a very special role, and then there is everyone else.
I find my son and DiL's approach very hurtful and it has undoubtedly led to us feeling much less attached to their child.

Hello there
I really feel for you and you are allowed to feel the way you do as emotions are just that ...Perhaps offer to send them their favourite takeaway because they maybe feeling overwhelmed ,tired and generally adjusting to this little person that has blown their mind 🙂
I think as already mentioned it's more common that parents do this ...

(((Hugs)))

Wow.you seem outraged. But its not your baby. And its not about you you you.

\I'm sorry to say this, but you must stop thinking about me, me, me and give your daughter and family time to adjust to the fact that they are now us, us , us and a very new family. It's a new and precious time for them to get to know their child , and learn how to look after him.

It's nothing to do with you - it's just a very natural protective instinct to form new relationships.

Remember it's their first child. If they go on to have more, then most probably you will be very much wanted to help out!
Don't make them feel guilty.......let them have their own special time to get to know their son.

Mom, baby, and to a far lesser extent dad, are the only ones who have needs in this situation. Everyone else only wants.

Baby has zero benefit from visitors, so it’s all about the adults. Mom is recovering, dad is supporting mom and baby, as well as likely catching up on sleep himself.

What extended family wants, or their expectations, aren’t a priority, and shouldn’t be. I find it very disconcerting that people think their expectations ought to be prioritized when someone else has a baby.

And just because someone else did things differently doesn’t obligate anyone else to do the same.

New mom is sleep deprived, hormones crashing, bleeding, possible stitches or even surgery, probably learning how to nurse, and taking care of a brand new person, and folks are upset that they have to wait to visit? How unkind.

She is communicating with you not shutting you out. It is definitely more acceptable these days for the new parents to stay in their baby bubble getting to know their newborn. Could you FaceTime when they are home or ask for pictures (don’t post them on any socials without permission!) until they have settled down? It’s their baby and their special time. You have the rest of your life to babysit and help. Please relax and let her do what she wants. If she’s had a problem free birth and a supportive husband she’ll be fine.

I was grateful to have my babies abroad in the 1960s I wanted time to myself and my husband to settle in, to decide what I thought was the best way forward with regard to routines, and husband and I engaged in new roles, etc. I didn't want the distraction of over eager relatives, coming round, giving advice etc. When I got back home with an 18 month old and a 2 month old, I felt confident, and I was happy to have help and welcomed attention and support from relatives.

Crikey, I would be so excited for them and in no rush to join in. A photo would be lovely. Giving birth can be traumatic. I had a business to run and worked whilst in labour and three days after the birth. Mum couldn’t travel so we took baby son to her but needed time to recover from an episiotomy before a two hour car journey. My sister came after about two weeks.

For goodness sake give them time.....it's not about you...

Bazza

I really don’t understand grandparents not being allowed to see new babies. We saw all four of our grandchildren very soon after their births, both daughters were desperate for us to meet them. We only stayed about 15 minutes, just long enough to have a quick cuddle and to welcome them into our family. Why would this not be deemed acceptable is a complete mystery, to me and I think it’s quite sad that new grandparents are not permitted a very quick peep. As long as they accept that is all it it’s!

I think your last sentence is key. Many say they are coming for a quick peep and three hours later are still there. My late MIL lovely as she was, had a habit of taking over and I didn't have the courage and strength to say no being young and feeling vulnerable after a c-section. I really wanted her to go home. Luckily i could tell my family I had enough but I truly admire today's couples setting their boundaries.

Please give her some time. After an emergency cesarian, I had in laws rushing in the next day when all I wanted was to gwt over my operation and learn how to breastfeed properly. Please be understanding and give her time to breathe. You' ve already been very helpful which is great.

Bugbabe2019

Op how often did you see your DD when you were living away for 10 years?

I wondered about this as well. It’s possible her daughter is quite used to some spar and being allowed to
Adjust and handle things on her own. So that in this moment of ultimate adjustment, she certainly doesn’t feel like she wants her mum there “helping”.

As for the op congratulations on being a grandmother ! and well done done for your daughter and her partner in feeling confident expressing their wants and boundaries. It’s not at all
Uncommon to want time to recover and simply close off the outside world
Post delivery of their baby. How wonderful it must feel
To be the three of them for the first time! Give them the space they’ve asked and remember above all things your wants are a distant second here. A few weeks over a lifetime
Are nothing

I feel for you. When I had my two children over 50 years ago I was delighted for my parents to see the children as often as they wanted to. I am so glad that they saw them every week sometimes more often because they both died in their fifties within a year of each other with no warning. I wasn't ready to be without them. I was an only child. I did bring my grandmother to live with me because she had lived with my parents and would be homeless when they died. It was also a small way of thanking them for being such amazing parents. My husband was very good and very willing to have Granny living with us. it was a big adjustment for all of us. She lived with us for 12 years until she was 92. Unfortunately, I became ill and granny then went to live with her daughter in Ireland for just over 8 years. She died when she was 100 years old. My parents would be so proud to see their grandchildren as parents themselves now. they have 4 teenagers between them now and they are all delightful talented young people.

I really don’t understand grandparents not being allowed to see new babies. We saw all four of our grandchildren very soon after their births, both daughters were desperate for us to meet them. We only stayed about 15 minutes, just long enough to have a quick cuddle and to welcome them into our family. Why would this not be deemed acceptable is a complete mystery, to me and I think it’s quite sad that new grandparents are not permitted a very quick peep. As long as they accept that is all it it’s!