My husband and I recently moved back to the US after being overseas for the last ten years. We moved to the same city my daughter lives in and have been able to spend some enjoyable time together since we've been back. We've also helped her with work projects and helped get baby items she's bought on Marketplace, and thought we had a pretty good relationship. We live less than 2 miles from the hospital where she delivered, three days ago, and haven't been able to see him yet. Furthermore, she hasn't given me a time when they get home from the hospital when we can come visit. Her husband is on paternity leave for a couple of months and is a great cook. She said some things like she'll let us know when a good time would be after they get settled and into more of a routine--maybe a couple of weeks or more!! I just want to see my grandson! I've made it clear I'm available to help and do whatever they need. I've delivered their dog to the dogsitter and have done other errands. We want to see the little guy, and I feel left out. I want to let her know it's OK if she doesn't have it all together, and a routine with a newborn is not easy, if not impossible. Everything will be unpredictable for a while. I'm trying to be patient, but it being here so close and having the time--(I'm currently unemployed) is killing me. I just don't understand. It makes me feel like I've done something wrong, but I know I haven't. I never thought it would be like this. What can I do? It just makes me feel like crying. I guess it's different now, and we are so opposite. I would've loved for my mom to show interest and be around after I had my first baby.(the one who just gave birth). She lived across the country and didn't show me much attention then. She was a totally opposite kind of mother than I was. I'm embarrassed to tell anyone I haven't seen the baby yet because the assumption would be that there must be something wrong with you not being allowed that privilege. We were and are great parents to this girl---why the distance?
We are waiting to see our new DGD have been waiting 2 weeks now . We saw our other GCs on the day they were born so I suppose its just different ways for different families ? We are trying to be patient but I do empathise !
The key issue is your on-going relationships. You may want something your child and their partner do not want, but it is their baby and it is really not worth risking that on-going relationship. When the baby is a year old, all this could be just water under the bridge, if you let it be. I guess we may have unwittingly upset our own parents - but that too is water under the bridge. You are ready to love and love includes tolerance and acceptance - that way you will have potentially good relationships with the next generations for the rest of your life.
One aspect to take into consideration is that partners now get paternity leave so mum has them to look after her and baby and they bond together. When I had my children there was no paternity leave and you really needed your mum to come for a couple of weeks.
Op how often did you see your DD when you were living away for 10 years?
flappergirl
It's the modern way OP. I didn't realise it was the same in the States but it's definitely the way things are done now in the UK. Grandparents, or anyone, are not allowed within 50 miles of the newborn for at least a week, maybe two. The reason is "bonding". The new parents think visitors will unbalance their relationship with their new baby. How exactly I don't know.
I can understand the backlash to an extent. Grandparents, aunties, uncles and every man and his dog used to descend unannounced on a bloody and sore new mother, trying to discretely breastfeed, and stay for hours. Some relatives even demanded to be in the delivery room.
It's now gone in the opposite direction.
Not in my experience
I stayed with my so and DIL for a week when my DGS was born - my DIL requested it as she wanted me there
Both my daughters made it clear that they didn't want us to visit for two weeks so that they had time to bond with the baby. When we finally arrived - had to travel for both - we found tearful, shattered mums. In each case we ordered them to bed, got expressed breast milk, and headed out with the baby. I think one of the problems is that media targeted at new mums paints a very idealistic picture about having a baby. Along with all the celebs who quickly regain their figures, this puts terrible pressure on new mums. Only much later do we read about celebs who had post natal depression and really struggled with a new baby.
Happily we saw each of my son's newborns within a few hours of birth. His wife is a midwife and so had more realistic expectations.
My g.grandson was born first of June and he was a week old before I knew. When I asked when I could see him I was told they, his parents I presume, would sort something out to bring him to me. The gift of a crochet blanket I made and sent by courier has never been acknowledged and not only have I not seen the baby I haven’t seen a photograph either. Yes I’m feeling so hurt as the babies mother is my beloved g.daughter with whom I spent so much of her childhood and I can’t understand why they have this attitude. My house is clean, I don’t have pets or allow smoking and I just want to see this precious baby. I have another g.grandaughter born in March in Scotland and they couldn’t wait to bring her to me and I live in the Midlands but they came and I have beautiful photos. I just don’t understand any of it, but then I’m old fashioned 🥺
Send a nice text, saying you’re thinking about her and hope she’s feeling well. Ask if there’s anything she needs. Maybe say you’re looking forward to a picture of her with the little one and end by saying, let me know when you and husband are ready for a visit.
If you have a relationship where she doesn’t want you to visit straight away you do have to respect that or like other posters have said you will alienate her, and that’s the last thing you both want. Maybe send her a new baby card with a nice present for her and something for baby.
Blimey - where is your patience?
the poor girl has yet to grasp the complete lifestyle change .
Too many people have kids without the knowledge that it is overwhelming . She is just coming to terms with that so don't make it worse
she'll let you know -give her time
MissAdventure
Three days isn't long!
I doubt anyone else is that interested in how long it's been, anyway.
Once again you have come out with a put-down! What is wrong with you that you can’t be nice?
Think how lucky you are to be able to see him soon. My one and only grandchild was born in the first week of Covid lockdown and so I didn’t see him for several weeks, and even then I couldn’t hold him. I was seventy-seven years old when he was born .. all those years of imagining how I would feel holding my first grandchild in my arms! And I missed out 😢
First; congratulations!
If you have been following Gransnet for a while, you would have seen that this is the way young parents are doing things these days.
Presumably, they are being advised by their peers, perhaps by midwives or books about child-care to establish a routine between parents and child and "bond with baby" before showing their child to his or her relatives.
Sadly, the young couple did not think to warn you before the birth that this was what they were intending. None of them do, so apparently that advice is not included in the "wise words" of whoever dreamed this odd new practice up!
To anyone of our generation, these young parents are being rude, inconsiderate and deliberately hurting their parents and parents-in-law, but of course, this is not their intention. They are simply doing what they believe best for their precious baby and themselves as a family of three.
Bite your tongue, dear lady and wait for your daughter to phone and invite you. If you show your hurt or try to hurry her, you might very well end up in a flaming row and a rift that cannot be healed.
When my grandson was born there were complications following the delivery.
We had to wait a while before seeing the baby who was then a few hours old.
I walked into the room to see a bundle wrapped up in a cot, clearly healthy and comfortable.
My daughter, meanwhile was being prepped for theatre, a doctor was trying to get needles in her.
My first instinct at that moment was to put my arms around my own child, my own baby- but I couldn't.
It taught me a valuable lesson- in order to value our grandchildren we have to remember to put our own babies, however grown-up they are, first.
I do feel for you I was in the hospital within an hour of him being born
In my day, my MiL arrived the afternoon of my delivery day, my DS was about 10 hours old.
Farmor15
3 days is a very short time - if it had been 3 months since the birth, you might have reason to be upset. I think you'll find everyone here says the same thing - just be patient and give the new family a chance to get settled.
When our first grandchild was due, in another country, I booked a flight a month after the due date, so the parents would have a chance to adjust.
My first grandchild is due mid-October, 1200 miles away. My flight is booked for nine days later. Gives them a chance to adjust, gives me relative certainty that I will actually see a baby and not just a bump!
I think some of the comments are not helpful and actually quite unkind...sorry
I’m very fortunate in that I’m going to be the birth partner for my daughter whose baby is due any day now . As part of this I’ve attended all her antenatal classes and midwife appointments. Things are different from 31 years ago when my daughter was born, and I’ve had to take on board lots of new thinking . One of the things new parents are very much encouraged to do these days is to hold back from seeing people and to take time on their own to bond as a small family unit and enjoy the magical first few days together before everyday life kicks back in. So try not to take it personally. Your daughter is just following the advice that mums to be are given now.
I understand completely, a daughter would/should not treat her mother like this. I hear "its all changed now" it most certainly has to something awful. All you want is a glimpse of your new blood relative, why is it so much to ask? I found being a grandmother bitter/sweet. Sweet because my granddaughter is gorgeous, extremely bitter because her parents are most certainly not. I was treated so very badly, after helping always, regardless of my own needs. Never getting or expecting anything in return. To the point we are now estranged as my daughters narcissist behaviour could no longer be tolerated.
We have no choice but to do as they request. But word of advice dont do what i did and continue to fall over backwards for them. Because it will reach unbearable heights. Good luck.
How I wish I had been brave enough to ban visitors for a couple of weeks when my babies were born. I remembered this when my girls delivered. Kept visits short and was helpful. Didn’t expect to hold baby, instead cleaned the bath and took the washing away. Sent them vouchers for takeaways. Years on they still tell me how much that helped!
Sorry may seem blunt but you don't always get what you want, especially when other people are involved.
Just message the new oarents letting them know they will still be finding their feet abd just to let you know when they feel able for you to have a quick visit. It is their baby, their life.
It might be the practice now to leave it a while before anyone can meet the newborn, but obviously my two son (in their 30s) didn't get the memo - both couldn't wait to show off the baby to family, friends, anyone that was interested! And it didn't stop them bonding with the baby, far from it, they were and still are, very adored children. But, each to their own I suppose - some follow this new trend and some don't.
Hope you have seen photos of your baby grandson now. When my sons were new babies I just was so proud I wanted to show them off to anyone who showed any interest! Luckily my dil was the same and I met both my grandchildren within days of them being born as did her family.
Give her space. I'm in the same situation with similar history in the UK. I'm excited to see my new grandson too, but respect them enjoying and getting used to their new family unit. It's about them, and not us, if that's what they chose. Personally, I was delighted to have anyone visit, welcome the new baby, help and coo over my son, but that was 38 years ago. Practice (and advice /influence- online and from certain antenatal organisations) seem to have changed. . Relax and enjoy the anticipation. Let them know you're there if they want to ask anything of you. That's what I'm doing and feel chilled now..The baby won't know if you've been or not. Photos will do at this stage
Hello Katniss. I understand how you may be feeling as I have had the same. First grandson (IVF treatment so has been a long stressful period for parents-to-be)
Baby delivered 3wks early under 5lbs birth weight. We were all told ‘please wait till invited as new parents of our first born we really need some time together. Thank you for your patience- we’ll send lots of photos’. Katniss we have to understand how important it is for the new parents to be able to say what they can cope with etc.
The main focus has to be the newborn and then the parents and I have to say we, grandparents and rest of family need to form a straight line and……. patiently wait.
We had our invite when baby was 7wks.
We live a 3hr drive to new parents and we drove home the same day. Grateful all was well and oh so happy.
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