Daughter in a controlling relationship

I will obviously do my absolute best. She knows that I will always be there for her but right now she's completely committed to him and I have to accept that.

That all sounds rather familiar to me! My DD1 was in a similar position. Fortunately (in my opinion) he eventually left her for one of her friends. She found he was badly in debt and left her homeless and penniless and paid no maintenance for their 3 children. I chose not to mention my concerns while they were together so that I could be around if needed, despite him trying to cut her off from family. She saw the light at about the time of The Archers storyline attracting attention to coercive control. A long time later he still tries to be controlling with the kids, now grown up, but they are learning to stand up to him.
I would like to think that you are still available for when the time comes that your family members need more of your support.

It's a horrible situation to find yourself if in Vee. There were times when I found it extremely difficult to listen to the way our ES's wife would occasionally speak to him before we were estranged, but no where near as bad as your D's partner/husband.

You can have regular contact without physically being there and this is what your D needs but do try to maintain your visits for her sake and and the children's .

It will be very difficult but don’t cut yourself off it is exactly what a narcissistic control freak wants and you will give him that. As much as it hurts and upsets you keep your opinion to yourself. Your DD is the only one who can change the situation when/if she accepts what he is and does something about it.
I have been there myself personally and also witnessed it with a sibling. It’s a very stressful situation for the person going through it and for the observer seeing it. Don’t keep away be there for your DD and GC they need your love and support.

Yes I completely agree. The decision must come from her, if it ever does. She is very vulnerable and imo in denial. But because she says everything is fine it makes me feel as tho I can't trust my own judgement. I will follow the very good advice I've been given here

Please keep that safe haven for her. I was in a similar place with my son. Now and again he would just turn up and stay a few days. He needed a bolt hole until he finally had to leave. Now he lives with me and is fighting for access to his child. I refused to get involved with their relationship issues. Last night he was very late home- I got into a panic thinking he had gone back there, but if he did I would have to accept it even if it would feel like a punch in the face for me and an end to his self-respect for him.

She won’t leave until it’s her decision,all the talking in the world won’t convince her she,s being controlled.All you can do is keep in touch with her and monitor from a safe distance .I,ve been there my daughter went back several times before she acknowledged what was really happening.The more you say the more she,ll try to prove you wrong .I hope for both your sakes she leaves him soon

The trouble is that some people in abusive relationships cover it up and deny it.

You're left feeling as if you are battling your child and their abuser.

We live 3 hours away from each other. Her partner is always around so phone calls not all that easy or regular. I have often questioned my perceptions but my son recently mentioned some things he had started to notice too. He lives even further away. However, I have just sent her a very carefully worded email expressing my love and support

Are there any ways to keep in touch or meet up that suit both of you so's to keep up a relationship?

Please just be there for her. Our daughter was in an awful relationship and used us as a place to run to with her children. Don't say anything about anything just be there.

She saw sense eventually and is now with a lovely chap who is a brilliant father to her children from that marriage and their own son.

I'm just a little nervous of listing specifics as I'm not sure of Gransnet's reach.

Oh no, please don't 'step back' just when she most needs your loving support.

Normally I would say people are too descriptive in some threads like this.
But I think this one needs more examples of what he is doing.

How long has she been with him? How is she in herself, is she constantly unhappy, depressed or anxious? In what way does he criticise her parenting? I think more context is needed.

My advice, stay in close contact, don’t put yourself or your daughter in positions where you might be in danger, support your daughter and DGC as much as you can.

To clarify, I've felt the need to step back just for a while as I'm worried I'll say something I'll regret. I' ve gently raised a couple of things but she has convinced herself that she loves him and that she's happy w the relationship. I am trying to respect that. I would feel a lot happier if she had some financial agency of her own. Sadly I am struggling financially myself.

To be honest it feels uncomfortable that your reaction is about your own needs to not be around to watch. I do understand you feeling like that but by doing this you are enabling him.to isolate your daughter further and removing what might be her only safe space. I am wondering if you have had any conversations with her about your observations or given her openings to talk about what she is going through?

Please don't, if you suspect she's in a controlling relationship, she will need a safe space to go when she chooses to leave.