Boyfriend is overly involved with grandchildren?

I don't think Abby is saying she 'needs" a man to fulfil her life in retirement (cups of coffee, holding hands etc). Rather that this is what she had hoped for. As a widow whose husband died at the age of 47, I can certainly relate to that.

Before the grandchildren were on the scene they had talked about moving down South, Florida maybe? So her partner had clearly shared plans with her and she had expectations.

I don't think you're going to win this battle Abby, I really don't. Your partner will be miserable if you wrench him away from his grandchildren and your relationship will be permanently damaged. He has made it clear that there is no compromise on the table. You need a very frank discussion with him about the future which may involve separation.

How long have you been a couple ? You don’t say
Is he living with you or you living with him ?
I worry about all you say about needing him in old age and the fact that you are jumping way ahead saying that grandkids won’t need him when they are teens etc but that’s a very long way off grandson only a baby now, and anyway maybe they ll go fishing together when he’s old who knows you can’t plan all of the future to be your way

From a safeguarding viewpoint old men and young children raise eyebrows, added to that, him putting GC before your relationship is a bad sign.

If he is living in your place it’s time for him to move out, to be honest he’s bored with you and the children are more interesting.

At the start you mention “live in” boyfriend, at the end you say should “I” move out. Maybe a typo?

I don't think it is unusual for a grandfather to want to be involved with his grandchildren, but then my OH is very involved with our GS and has been ever since he was born. I don't see anything unusual in what he is doing at all, to be honest. I'd expect him to put his family first.

Good morning Abbey
You say
As you age, you will lose a lot of independence without a caring partner to lean on surely you don’t have a partner to lean on in old age !!! many many of us live alone in our old age and manage fine, without someone bringing us a coffee in the morning 🤣 Surely that’s no reason to stay with a partner
I think you ve hit it completely on the head when you say you’re not a baby person
You two have opposite ideas about later years You want someone to lean on someone to be yours alone and have
plans for your old age together (with your permission once a week to babysit) He wants a close relationship with his grand kids and see them as many times a week as he wants ! you are really far apart and to be honest I don’t think it bodes well for the future
Things have changed since he fell in love with his grandbaby
You’re no longer number one Abbey and you either have to accept that which won’t be easy for you at all or part company Sad indeed but life rarely runs smoothly for most of us
I will add you do have a fairytale idea of married life in old age

I take it you’re in USA as you speak of ‘out of state’ family not that it makes the situation any different.

Did your boyfriend do a lot with and for his own children when they were little?
Lots of men didn't/couldn't in those days.
Is he enjoying making up for lost time with this new generation of his family?

I've certainly seen a huge change in the school playground over the last 40 years: it used to be virtually all mums, now it's a wide mix of mums, dads, grannies and grandads.
Quite the "village raising the child" scenario.

I also know grandparents who quite happily keep their families at arms length, and are sparing in what time and help they are prepared to offer.

If you and your boyfriend have different expectations of your life going forward, and it sounds like you have been discussing this already, then some decisions may need to be made.
I'm very sad for you AbbyD.

silverlining48- Thank you for validating that it is unusual for a grandfather, and therefore totally unexpected by me.
As you suggested, I have seen advice for grandmothers to leave their partners if their partner wants to be considered when babysitting arrangements are made. But I disagree and believe that is short sighted. That advice seems mostly to come from women who are still married to the man who is the grandfather. What they don’t realize is that it’s very different when the partner is no longer with their original spouse.
No matter how much time you spend with those grandbabies, by the time they are in their teens, their parents will still have to bribe them to come see you. They will soon have their own lives, and although they will still love you, your presence in their lives will fade far into the background. Meanwhile, if you left your partner in order to have unlimited time with grandchildren, you will return home to an empty house. You will no longer have the person you loved sharing coffee with you in the morning, or holding your hand during a movie. You will sleep alone, and have no one to share experiences or ideas with. On the practical side, are you going to ask the already overwhelmed parent of your grandchildren to take precious vacation time to drive you to and from your surgery? Bring you a cup of tea while you recover on the couch? As you age, you will lose a lot of independence without a caring partner to lean on.
This is what a grandparent loses when they are unwilling to compromise on a reasonable amount of time spent with grandchildren. There is a way to have both if you are willing to have balance. It doesn’t mean that you love your grandchildren any less.

Are you just not a ‘baby’ person, or does that extend to children too? Babies don’t stay babies for long, so if you think you may feel happier around them when they are a bit older, might it work to do the childcare together?

Only you can know if a future involving grandchildren is something you want to be part of. If not, maybe you need to find a different future life?

It is unusual for a grandfather to be so keen to see his grandchildren but if a gran was being restricted by her boyfriend from seeing her grandchildren the response would be to leave him.
If in future you become a grandmother you may understand better how powerful the feeling can be.
Hope you can sort something out.

Being not bring - sorry 😔

I agree with Oreo. Move on , it's one thing bring a loving GP and babysitting from time to time / doing some child care but seems excessive to me. To ask if we think things will change - only you can judge that and I think you know the answer !

Thanks so much for your honest advice. I’m so heartbroken about this. We had a life planned together and I was looking so forward to the future. I can’t imagine why he’d rather lose me than compromise. Babysitting once a week would be fine with me. Doesn’t he realize that his kids put THEIR spouses before him? It seems so odd to me, particularly for a man (sorry to sound sexist, but in my world men were never that interested in their own kids, much less grandkids).

AbbyD I think you know what you should do.
My view is to start a new life, you may meet somebody in the future who will put you first, if not you’ll be better off on your own.By staying you’re facing the next ten years or more of him and you having life revolve round his grandkids.

Nobody can say if this will settle into a more acceptable situation, but it doesn’t sound as if your boyfriend is going to ease up on grand parenting any time soon, nor should you make that request if it isn’t what he wants. But you seriously need to think about what you want and whether that is now compatible with your boyfriend.
I wish you luck with it. X

Only you know the answer to your questions about leaving and starting a new life or things may settle into a situation you find more acceptable
He sounds like the majority of grandparents I know, totally smitten and keen to do all he can to develop a close loving relationship with these grandchildren.
As for child care - our school playgrounds in term time and woods, playgrounds etc are dominated by grandparents. We are an invisible, unpaid but devoted free army of child carers
If that isn’t for yiu maybe option 1 is the least worse option

Only you can decide if this may settle into a more acceptable situation Abby and could depend on whether you accept the amount of time he wants to spend with his GC.

You say you aren't a baby person so maybe this isn't going to be the right long term match for you. You need to talk to him about this in a frank and honest way and allow him to be frank and honest too before making any final decisions.

Good luck.