Boyfriend is overly involved with grandchildren?

David, the 0P’s “boyfriend” brought up the parent of this baby grandchild, and evidently she/he trusts him to care for their baby, so that’s good enough.

Gone are the days when a man would distance himself from his children, except perhaps in matters of discipline. These days raising children is increasingly a joint enterprise, and children are better off for it. I think men are too.

Can a grandparent BE over involved with their grandchildren?
Or are you just jealous OP?
And for anybody who finds this suspicious, would you apply that judgement to yourselves?
I too find your designation of your partner as”boyfriend” more than a bit weird. He is a grandad not a “boy”.
Maybe the problem lies therein.

AbbyD
Some DGPs do this level of childcare, when they are still able to help their AC in this way. It might well be what others have said, like Smileless, that he is not compatible with you maybe.

The cost of living crisis and high rents maybe mean family and GPs are more likely to be offering regular help for their ACs.

Meant kindly.

David49

I’m am “old man” now and am very conscious of the risk so are younger men, the Huw Edward’s saga among all the rest tars us all. Why do you think there are so few male teachers, male youth workers, the risk of being “ accused” is high, it is strange grandad wanting to get involved with babies.

Edwards had some very serious problems. How on earth is that connected with a loving Grandad wanting to spend time with family?

David49

From a safeguarding viewpoint old men and young children raise eyebrows, added to that, him putting GC before your relationship is a bad sign.

If he is living in your place it’s time for him to move out, to be honest he’s bored with you and the children are more interesting.

At the start you mention “live in” boyfriend, at the end you say should “I” move out. Maybe a typo?

Strange post. Both my first husband (“birth” grandfather) and my 2nd husband (“step” grandfather) had good relationships with my GCs.🤷‍♀️

Nothing dodgy.🙄

BlueBelle

It may not be normal to you David to not spend much time with grandkids but it is normal to a lot of people
Grandads and indeed dads are MUCH MUCH more hands on today than previously I had a wonderful cuddly relationship with my maternal grandad Nan didn’t get a look in when he was around. My dad was a wonderful hands on grandad and great grandad We get loads of grandads bring little ones in the shop on Saturdays It’s a wonderful relationship and good luck to the posters male friend I can’t bring myself to say boyfriend in a middle to old aged partnership
You seem to have a problem David

Abby You say you should be his priority and his relationship with you should be his main focus and that he must check with you before babysitting I think your demands are outrageous
I hope he continues to have a wonderful relationship with his grandkids and I hope you can find someone single with no family

Hear hear 👏👏👏

It may not be normal to you David to not spend much time with grandkids but it is normal to a lot of people
Grandads and indeed dads are MUCH MUCH more hands on today than previously I had a wonderful cuddly relationship with my maternal grandad Nan didn’t get a look in when he was around. My dad was a wonderful hands on grandad and great grandad We get loads of grandads bring little ones in the shop on Saturdays It’s a wonderful relationship and good luck to the posters male friend I can’t bring myself to say boyfriend in a middle to old aged partnership
You seem to have a problem David

Abby You say you should be his priority and his relationship with you should be his main focus and that he must check with you before babysitting I think your demands are outrageous
I hope he continues to have a wonderful relationship with his grandkids and I hope you can find someone single with no family

Athrawes

I'm very proud of my daughter and son who have brought their children up so well. DH is very good with their children and they adore him. I'm the 'cleaner upper' though I like hearing what they're up too. I agree with MissInterpreted. I think it's great that the grandfather is enjoying being with them and that his partner is being annoyed about this.
Perhaps AbbyD you could join an activity which would provide enjoyment for you whilst he's with the children. But children aren't little for long and you might find them interesting and learn things from them as they grow up.

👏👏👏👏

I'm very proud of my daughter and son who have brought their children up so well. DH is very good with their children and they adore him. I'm the 'cleaner upper' though I like hearing what they're up too. I agree with MissInterpreted. I think it's great that the grandfather is enjoying being with them and that his partner is being annoyed about this.
Perhaps AbbyD you could join an activity which would provide enjoyment for you whilst he's with the children. But children aren't little for long and you might find them interesting and learn things from them as they grow up.

Well, David 49's rather unpleasant comments seem to have hijacked this thread, most unpleasantly of all casting aspersions on men in teaching and social work and 'involved' grandfathers.
However, this thread was stared a month ago so I imagine AbbyD has made a decision about her relationship, which sounded rather juvenile. A '65 year old 'boyfriend', I also expect to be a priority, he should be seeing his long term relationship and future with me as his main focus, and most disturbing of all: in my world men were never that interested in their own kids, much less grandkids.
Babies are clearly not her thing.
I don’t know the length, or strength, of this relationship, but it seems as though neither wishes to compromise. You can’t have a grandparent having to ask permission before committing to babysitting; equally a whole month of afternoon childcare is excessive therefore it is probably best for them to go their separate ways although I think Abby will be the loser.

I can only say how my husband and I were on our retirement.
We went back packing for a year round the world.
The thing about retirement is you have the freedom and chance to do all things you never could do in your working life.
The thought of committing to looking after GC five half days a week would have been a definite no no from us.
Our children didn't have children until we were in our early 70s so everything worked out alright but I certainly understand your reluctance to do this.
Our GC went into nursery and then school so we have never been asked to look after them.
They come down on Saturday morning with our son and play in a bedroom I have set up as a play room and we have lots of fun.
In the afternoon we go to their home and play Warhammer.
Sunday lunch all together and they stay until it's their evening meal.
It all works out well and we have Monday to Friday doing our interests.
It's a very difficult one for you if you are in love, do the couple not have the funds to pay for a nursey place.
I do you you mange to sort this out with him.

Smileless2012

So what is your definition of normal grand parenting David?

I know many many men, in our age group, who absolutely adore and dote on their grandchildren.

Our best friends have 11 between them, second marriage, so none of the GC are BOTH couples biologically, both of them look after all the GC very often, sometimes together, sometimes alone.

In fact the wife, one of my dearest friends, has a gay married son and as a couple they adopted a beautiful boy at 4 years, he’s an absolute delight, who adores his Grandad, Daddy and Dad!

This little baby is his flesh and blood. He loves every bit of it but it’s a different love from the love he has for you. I’m puzzled why you call him your boyfriend and not partner. Is this a fairly new relationship and you are jealous? If you’re not maternal you should accept the situation or think twice. I wish you well.

Blood is thicker than water It is an old adage - and generally has a lot going for it.

It is easy to assume in advance that you will be indifferent to becoming a grandparent, or your partner will, but when it happens it can be very different. Lots of grandfathers dote on their grandchildren, but in the past cultural norms inhibited them.

My father doted on babies and small children; his own children, his grandchildren and , briefly, for a few months before his death, his great grand child.

Your partner gave you due warning. He already has grandchildren that he said he wished he could see more of. What made you think he wouldn't be bothered about seeing grandchildren who lived really locally.

I wonder what else in your relationship you are closing a blind eye to.

I think it is time for the two of you to sit down and have a long and non-achrimonious discussion about your lives together and apart

So what is your definition of normal grand parenting David?

Blood is thicker than water

David49

“I should have stated my husband's stance more clearly. He dislikes being alone with our granddaughters' female friends, say in our pool, or in public. For the reasons David49 mentioned.

Because men face scrutiny today (many women should as well, but not as many appear to) - what others think may not serve men well.”

The reaction to my comment on this forum is way over the top, a man that goes out of his way to be close to young children daily is very unusual, this is NOT normal grand parenting.
It is a fact that most harm to children is done by a family member, in the OPs situation it may be entirely innocent.

Of course he is probably innocent.

However, I'm not at all sure there is a "normal" to grandparents. Yes, most harm done to children is done by family members - what is your point?

“I should have stated my husband's stance more clearly. He dislikes being alone with our granddaughters' female friends, say in our pool, or in public. For the reasons David49 mentioned.

Because men face scrutiny today (many women should as well, but not as many appear to) - what others think may not serve men well.”

The reaction to my comment on this forum is way over the top, a man that goes out of his way to be close to young children daily is very unusual, this is NOT normal grand parenting.
It is a fact that most harm to children is done by a family member, in the OPs situation it may be entirely innocent.

I appreciate everyone’s responses. Thank you.
What I don’t understand is some of you almost accusing me of not wanting him to see his GC. There is a big middle ground between seeing your GC daily, and not seeing them at all. Just my feelings. But thank you all for your insight and perspectives.

Thanks for spelling out why there are less men I teaching etc Cossy. I was too exasperated.

Reading some comments here remind me of the many foster and adoptive fathers who gave so much to the children they cared for, who had been sexually abused.

To the question.

It sounds as if you are perhaps not very compatible with this man. Cutting your losses and moving along to someone else might be best.

If you are USA, I assume no school runs and after school care apply to your friend. USA schools are different to UK schools - no small villages. Perhaps he wants only first few years involved, you could ask him?

Jackiest

Iam64
The gender of the child isn’t the issue. The issue is men who find children sexually attractive

The issue is innocent men worried about being accused of finding children sexually attractive and not being able to play as freely with children as we can.

No! It really isn’t an issue.

No man should ever be afraid of being accused of something they haven’t done with young children of either gender!

Those that might worry slightly are those who might come into contact alone, for whatever reason, with children who have already been sexually abused and in their minds “normalised” it.

David49

I’m am “old man” now and am very conscious of the risk so are younger men, the Huw Edward’s saga among all the rest tars us all. Why do you think there are so few male teachers, male youth workers, the risk of being “ accused” is high, it is strange grandad wanting to get involved with babies.

The reason that there are more female primary school teachers, youth workers and indeed nursery school workers is absolutely nothing to do with fear of being accused of inappropriate behaviour and everything to do with career progression and more importantly pay!

Iam64

Norah

Jackiest

Although I dislike Davids comment on men having to be careful playing with kids. I mentioned it to my partner and he said yes it is something men have to be careful with as they can easily be falsely accused wrong motives and it can ruin their lives.

I tend to agree, especially if the grandchildren are female.

Our grandchildren apart from one grandson are all female. My husband is quite cautious not to be out and about, alone, with our granddaughters and their friends. He's safe, the thoughts of others are not safe.

He changes our GC nappies without batting an eye - it's public toilets, changing clothing after a swim, etc - perceptions in this world.

The gender of the child isn’t the issue. The issue is men who find children sexually attractive

Of course it's not gender.

I should have stated my husband's stance more clearly. He dislikes being alone with our granddaughters' female friends, say in our pool, or in public. For the reasons David49 mentioned.

Because men face scrutiny today (many women should as well, but not as many appear to) - what others think may not serve men well.

My husband is not fully retired, no school runs for an hour on the road, no after school care - he thinks caution is best, for him and I agree.

David49

From a safeguarding viewpoint old men and young children raise eyebrows, added to that, him putting GC before your relationship is a bad sign.

If he is living in your place it’s time for him to move out, to be honest he’s bored with you and the children are more interesting.

At the start you mention “live in” boyfriend, at the end you say should “I” move out. Maybe a typo?

I find your comment both ridiculous and a bit worrying!

I adored my maternal grandfather and can still remember the wonderful walks he took me on and spending time snuggled up with him.

My own DH was extremely hands on, changing nappies, bathing the children, even bathing with them when they were very little.

Our first and only DGS is his daughters son, my DH would see him every day given the chance!

Lots of men, old and young, are very hands on and perfectly normal!