Nasty daughter in-law

My dil of over 20 years wasn't rude, but was never very forthcoming. Every Christmas was spent with her parents, when there was limited tickets for the childrens concerts etc, it was always her family that went. I genuinely don't think she realised what was happening. Our son always looks for an easy life, so nothing was ever said. I'm so glad now as I have a great relationship with all the grandchildren. They are divorced now but on good terms and I hope it stays that way.

I find smothering bullys with kindness, is v confusing for them and often a good solution

Sounds like you've tolerated her bad behaviour for many years so it's hardly going to change now . It's up to you to decide whether you're willing to continue to put up with this or do something about it and maybe cause a problem re grandchildren and son.
If you feel you can't put up with this any longer then I would just wait until the next occasion and then (definitely in front of your son so he gets the true picture) very calmly ask her why she's ignoring you, have you offended her in some way and await her response. She sounds like a bully who has never been confronted and just allowed to get away with her very poor behaviour.

My mother doesn't discriminate, she is rude to nearly everyone. Some times she does deliberately but mostly it's because she has no social graces. Maybe your daughter in law has issues with normal courtesies or has a passive aggressive personality.
Don't pull her up on her conduct, it won't bode well. Just do you best to ignore it and thank your lucky stars that not everyone in your wider family is like her.

As others have said there may be possibly something you said or didn't say, which has offended her in the past. A friend of mine told me that his wife refused to speak to his whole family as they sent one condolence card to her between them when her father died, whereas she expected individual ones. She bore that grudge for years.

I didn't get on well with my MiL, she had never been a warm or loving person, though she was reasonably close to her own daughter's family. She saw them regularly as lived locally and I think that was enough for her, though she did enjoy seeing our children. We simply had nothing (other than the family) in common.
Whenever we went to see her she would tell us about people my husband knew at school who had done well, never mentioning his good job, nice house, qualifications or whatever. She'd pull out newspaper cuttings about people to show us.
When I first met my husband I really made an effort and we got by for many years on this basis and never openly disagreed, though it wasn't a particularly comfortable relationship.

Pussycat777

We never just turn up and was invited by all our children there's a lot more to this that I cant share she wasn't happy we were having dinner with our daughter . I have kept the peace for 12 years and said nothing simply because I love my grandchildren.The thing is she has cut her own family out even though her mum is ill she was spoilt all her life and had her own way .I'm not an interfering mil and don't just turn up or criticise . I've invited all my family out next week so will see what happens .

Sadly some people are just like this! My brother’s wife turned him against my parents, myself, my nieces and nephews and my brother.

Like your DIL, she also cut her Mother out of her life when she was 16. Her Mother lives 5 miles away and has never seen her grandson who is now 27!! She fell out with her sister and several friends. She is just a nasty, spiteful person.

One day my Dad was looking after the grandson who was about 4 at the time. They were regularly asked to childmind so they could work. The little boy said to my Dad “Grandad I love you but why does my Mum say you are a horrible person.” My poor Dad was so upset because she had always given him the impression they got on well. He cried for weeks about that but decided to say nothing to her.

I feel so much better since we stopped contact with her. I don’t need her in my life. My Mum never forgave her either.

I agree there will be a petty issue that caused upset, at some time . I know mine, she took some thing personally when I made a general comment about breastfeeding. I tried to clear it up., I said things to diffuse it and I think over time it has really mellowed. What I said wasn't wrong either it's just that she was sensitive.. difficult. She sends me nice pictures and videos of them which she needn't so I'm very grateful for that. She knows yiure a good person just keep persevering all the best. Time heals it's true.

Pussycat777
Pulling your daughter in law up would only give her ammunition to fire back at you. Try to maintain some quiet composure and indifference, it would be hard for your son to be pulled in two directions. Her behaviour is not your fault, her parents are at fault for not instilling manners and compassion in her.

Sadly I feel this a no win so don't rock any boats pls you need your grandchildren
I DO understand. Good advice be as polite & cool as you can engage with the Grandchikdren & son. Be nice to her as you can be, praise where you can eg you're a good mum, organiser, person ( a fib doesn't matter) let her see your qualities & humour. Yes it's hard and you have a feeling you need to 'get over it' each time but it's worth it to keep the balance of seeing them I'm sure of that.
I'm sure your done will defend you too if she speaks badly. The very most I would ever say sweetly, is ask if she is ok? & You would hate to offend so pls say if Iv offended you at all. Nobody can snipe that. Smile.
Mine has never drunk one tea I have made even though I ask lightly how she prefers it etc.
They need to mature. It's a jealousy of sorts

I was not faultless I'm ashamed to realise, but never rude etc & later actually became quite close & cut her grass & things to help.
I don't know why these feminine feelings crop up!? Please don't take it personally.

I think I’d ask her what’s wrong me being me would have to get to the bottom of it, something has happened somewhere along the line there’s always reasons why things like this happen!

Our adult children's choices of friends and partners/spouses is really not our business. Everyone carries along their own baggage from past experiences and some have little insight into their behaviour and it's effect on others. She may well think you dislike her (which sounds like it's true) or misinterpret what you do and feel defensive or threatened, or just have had unresolved negative experiences with others that she now projects onto you. Perhaps she resents your relationship with her partner/husband even though you are his mother not a love-rival. Must be tough for your son to watch the two most important women in his life not getting on. I'd personally treat her as you would wish to be treated and leave space for her to tell you what the issue is and you could have a proper caring conversation. I'd leave the ball in her court and definitely not confront her unless you want to risk losing the grandchildren.

I believe if you have it out with her you will be the loser, stay calm smile all the time, don’t give her what she wants which appears to be a family row, your revenge will be not letting her have what she wants, the nastier she gets the nicer you must be.

I’m wondering if OP actually never really liked her DiL, and tried to cover it, but DiL sensed it.

I wish you all a positive way forward.

Re-reading this thread, I think the title the OP has chosen says it all really

Re-reading thisI’ve been struck by a couple of things.

The first was in the original pist where the OP says her DIL is “trying to split the family up” and then in her most recent post where she has organised “a day out for the whole family.”

Personally, once my children were married/ partnered I felt that the days of “my family” were over and that they were now creating their own families.
I became a part of their families, I didn’t expect my in-laws to be absorbed into mine.

Perhaps the OPs determination to preserve the idea of her family is causing some stress, that the DIL is finding difficult.

Lots of posters are advising the OP that ignoring is the way forward. It is possible that the DIL is also taking that route rather than expressing her irritation at the OP.

Your sister's marriage broke up because of her m.i.l. paddyann; nothing to do with her or her husband then.

Pussycat, your dil certainly has issues. My d cut off both sides of the family, her husband’s and then her own. I was the last, she knew being widowed she might be landed with me, but I have managed. Its been 10 years.
In the circumstances I would just carry on as you are, at least you will see your son and grandchildren. You won't change a self absorbed, bitter person. Try to concentrate on those that do care, like your husband. I know how upsetting it is but it would be far worse if you were out of the picture.
Paddyann, why you think OP is like your sisters mil is a puzzle, why when shes more upset you felt the need to say it even more so and unkind.

Pussycat it seems to me that your DIL has issues she is unable to deal with unless its in a way that keeps people at arms length.
She may even be goading you in order to cause trouble so I wouldn't 'bite' at all.
Try and vent elsewhere because its not a good idea to keep it bottled up. Killing her with kindness is probably the way to go. Ironically you will actually feel stronger for being the adult in the room and not stooping to her immature level.
Its a hard gig being an MIL but for the love of our children and grandchildren sometimes we just have to grin and bear it.
Good luck at the next meet up!

Just keep schtum. Let off steam elsewhere, like here on GN ! I’ve got a couple of SILs I could cheerfully do without but I just smile and act friendly, no point in fighting because you will the one who looks bad. Families !

We have had a few rather awkward times because of jealous behaviour which has upset me in the past. It made me feel piggy in the middle between my DiL and DD. I had voiced my opinion at the time but not as I would have done years ago. I know that being diplomatic does not come easy for me but learnt to be quickly.

I want to see my GC all together which is a rare occurrence already. I don’t want to be involved in an argument so I refuse to engage in petty unnecessary bickering. I hope one day they will both grow out of it but unfortunately I won’t hold my breath.

Maybe your “helpful, polite and kind” is her idea of an interfering MIL.? My sister had one just like that too “helpful”and her son accepted all the “help” the things she insisted on buying them without asking first the decorator sent in to paint while they were on holiday etc etc
My sisters marriage broke up because of the woman who believed she was still number one in her sons life and her DIL should be grateful for the interference……sorry help.
Not all MILs are good whether husbands or wife’s ad not all “ nasty dils” are nasty

The only option you have is to ignore her behaviour. Do not be tempted to think their is any other solution.

Pussycat777

We never just turn up and was invited by all our children there's a lot more to this that I cant share she wasn't happy we were having dinner with our daughter . I have kept the peace for 12 years and said nothing simply because I love my grandchildren.The thing is she has cut her own family out even though her mum is ill she was spoilt all her life and had her own way .I'm not an interfering mil and don't just turn up or criticise . I've invited all my family out next week so will see what happens .

I think using whatever your views are on her family situation as justification to lean into the dislike rather than trying to smooth the situation over is extremely misguided. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors in any family but our own. Her mother being ill is neither here nor there. Plenty of people have toxic parents who become ill. Maybe her mum was great; maybe she was a terrible mum behind closed doors. I would shift focus back to your own family and how you all can get along without rudeness.

Hopefully if she cannot muster the civility to not be openly rude, she will decline. If she accepts the invitation I hope she finds the maturity to behave gracefully toward you and your daughter. She certainly doesn’t need to be friends, but being civil to family is the minimum. Anything less is not acceptable. She’s an adult; she should know that.

In the meantime, I would find time between then and now to clear the air.

I have an excellent relationship with both my SILs and even their parents and siblings. It is just pot luck, or maybe it's cos none of us is argumentative or has any particular axe to grind. That said, we don't see eye-to-eye about everything but accept our different views. I've seen a lot more of one set of in-laws than the other cos eldest DD has been with her DH for a lot longer and has 2 children, whereas younger DD is more recently married and as yet no children. But over Christmas we spent two days with her in-laws and whilst we had a good time, the MiL definitely had long-standing issues with her other DiL, telling me how dreadful she was and how she refused to speak to her in company. She expected me to concur with her but my DD finds the young woman to be nervous in company rather than unpleasant, so I merely nodded and grunted appropriately!

I have a cousin who is always critical of her four sons' wives but I recall my dad telling me that her mother was the same!

Some people are just like this, and won't change once they are in their mid-life so I agree with other posters that it is best to just let it run rather than attempt to do anything about it. You are probably wasting your time and it might result in being denied access to your GC.

Rather than pulling her up, which is something no adult should ever be doing to another, try telling her you feel things are strained between you and asking if she be interested in a coffee date to discuss issues. I would add in that you are open to hearing those issues and addressing them together. Don't let it all fester, never good for the soul.