Nasty daughter in-law

Madeleine45 I love your ideas about giving yourself a score out of 10.....I have a similar family member who barely answers when I speak to them but I always say " Hi how are you?" even if there's no reply and of course send presents on birthdays etc . Hold the high ground I say !

Tread on egg shells. I do that and it boils my guts! What right do they have to treat us like that? Sending love and hugs.

I don't understand what Grams is getting at either.There is no legal entitlement to see anyone else's children, but that doesn't mean children spending time with their grandparents is the equivalent of children spending time with this "Joseph" down the road.
If the parents were suddenly unable to look after them, the GPs would certainly be considered as appropriate to do so if they were able. Joseph down the road - not a chance.

Allsorts

Norah, there's no excuses for rudeness and making invited family feel like lepers unless you have the skin of a Rhino

I didn't read lepers or rhino - I believe you're perhaps exaggerating the situation. Perhaps her son (who she raised) could step in?

Smileless2012

How on earth can a GP whose having their GC wrongfully withheld from them, or living with the threat that they will be, or may be if the GP's don't toe the line be accused of entitlement Grams?

Is the child whose abused by their parents entitled because they don't think they should be abused? Are they entitled because they think they're entitled to a caring, loving and nurturing relationship?

Perhaps define 'wrongfully withheld' -- GPs have no rights.

To believe one has 'rights' to children one is not raising is entitled thinking. Entitlement -- others owe one something, favours.

If you think it's acceptable behaviour, I don't, but it takes all sorts. Should the son leave his wife because she ignores his mother and father or extend any courtesy? Totally unrealistic, he's his children to consider for a start off. Ma and Pa have to accept she's rude and just say hello and goodbye with a smile on their faces. Children grow up, marriages end. Who knows what the future holds.

I'm sure everyone knows that GP's don't have any right to see their GC in the UK Norah and probably also know that children have a right to know their extended family as stated in the Children Act, which of course includes their GP's.

Really and truly you have my deepest sympathy over all this. I have had the same problem with my step-daughter over 40 years. She has never accepted me but every time we meet up I am always extra friendly and kind to her. She waits for her moment and when the time is right and no one is listening she always manages to get some nasty swipe in. I will have the last laugh dont worry. So as you will, just bind your time. Karma is a wonderful thing even if it takes nearly half a century to kick in. You are the better person just remember that. You are really.

Happy New Year.

Pulling her up indicates to me that the problem is actually you and you've an inflated idea of your own importance Back off

Really GrauntyHelen!!! Why on earth is being fed up with someone's rude behaviour that's been going on for years, and wanting to pull them up for it an indication that they're the problem and have an inflated idea of their own importance?

Smileless2012 I was think exactly the same thing. Really dont know what is wrong with some people.

GrauntyHelen Wait until it happens to you, that is all I can say because it will.

Indeed Galton some of the responses I see on GN beggar belief .

Astitchintime

My nephews wife is just the same as the OP DIL. She will pick and choose who she speaks to and make it quite obvious who she doesn't like. I have learnt to carry on as normal with people like that - makes them have to try all the harder to be bloody nasty.
Rise above this OP and just carry on being yourself

Absolutely agree. Say nowt and carry on being yourself, perhaps with a little less attention spent on an unresponsive DiL.

Our sons' choices may not always be our choice but mums the word if you want to keep in with the family.

I read somewhere recently that a mother in laws most difficult job is to learn when to say nothing.

cc

I didn't get on well with my MiL, she had never been a warm or loving person, though she was reasonably close to her own daughter's family. She saw them regularly as lived locally and I think that was enough for her, though she did enjoy seeing our children. We simply had nothing (other than the family) in common.
Whenever we went to see her she would tell us about people my husband knew at school who had done well, never mentioning his good job, nice house, qualifications or whatever. She'd pull out newspaper cuttings about people to show us.
When I first met my husband I really made an effort and we got by for many years on this basis and never openly disagreed, though it wasn't a particularly comfortable relationship.

Why would she need to mention your husband's job/house/qualifications? Presumably he knew about what he had done.

Smileless2012

GranJill didn't say how the GC are used as bait Norah, just that they are but we've seen examples over the years here on GN.

I might have missed it but has the OP said the children are being used as bait, that there is some sort of threat that she won't be allowed to see them?

DIL might just be a quiet person, might not like the OP but tolerates contact for her husband's sake but I don't think it helps if we make things up but apologies if OP has said there are threats.

I have a similar DIL and just accept she isn't that keen on us or the wider family. For a family meet up last week I actually asked son if she was coming, he sounded quite taken aback and said she was and why was I asking. I said I thought she might use it as an opportunity to have a few hours to herself after the hectic Christmas stuff with children and I wouldn't blame her in the slightest. She did come and she was actually friendlier than normal. Not sure if he said something.

She quarrelled with her own family - so what makes you think she would accept yours? However, you have no right to admonish her, because she is an adult. Invite her, like you invite the others, and it's her choice whether to be rude or not.

Smileless2012

I'm sure everyone knows that GP's don't have any right to see their GC in the UK Norah and probably also know that children have a right to know their extended family as stated in the Children Act, which of course includes their GP's.

Yes, I assume most know GPs don't have rights.

I didn't read this son was keeping his children away - I assume he is following Children's Act extended family criteria (which somehow includes GPs).

Perhaps I read the OP incorrectly.

Some people are introverts, perhaps dil likes quiet.

GranJill is not the OP theworriedwell. If you read her post you'll see that she said her GC are used as bait.

It was you who posted about GP's not having rights Norah, in your post yesterday @ 22.19 and that was what I was responding too, not the OP.

Allsorts

If you think it's acceptable behaviour, I don't, but it takes all sorts. Should the son leave his wife because she ignores his mother and father or extend any courtesy? Totally unrealistic, he's his children to consider for a start off. Ma and Pa have to accept she's rude and just say hello and goodbye with a smile on their faces. Children grow up, marriages end. Who knows what the future holds.

I think people should say hello and goodbye whilst smiling. However, I'm not agreeing to the notion OP was treated as a leper - which was my point.

If I were to speak to anyone (and I doubt I would) I'd speak to my own son as I'd have raised him and have a relationship going back years.

I'm not sure why OP speaking to son is totally unrealistic, he's his children to consider for a start off. Of course he has children, I wasn't advocating to speaking in front of children or leaving his wife.

However his parents went to his on Christmas, presumably invited by him -- perhaps that's enough?

Smileless2012

GranJill is not the OP theworriedwell. If you read her post you'll see that she said her GC are used as bait.

It was you who posted about GP's not having rights Norah, in your post yesterday @ 22.19 and that was what I was responding too, not the OP.

I'm aware I posted GP have no rights to other people's children.

Perhaps define 'wrongfully withheld' -- GPs have no rights.

To believe one has 'rights' to children one is not raising is entitled thinking. Entitlement -- others owe one something, favours.

Yes, I was responding to you, not OP. Apology if not clear.

I don't know how some people live with themselves really. Surely it is miserable to live like this? being miserable at your in laws social events etc. I just don't get it.

Smileless2012

GranJill is not the OP theworriedwell. If you read her post you'll see that she said her GC are used as bait.

It was you who posted about GP's not having rights Norah, in your post yesterday @ 22.19 and that was what I was responding too, not the OP.

I know that but this thread is about the OP and I don't think there is any evidence her GC are used as bait so it isn't really relevant to her situation. Of course they might be being used as bait but we don't know that.

A thread is never just about the OP theworriedwell. Posters respond sometimes talking about their own experiences and when they do, their experience often becomes part of the discussion.

GranJill said her GC had been used as bait.

Smileless2012

A thread is never just about the OP theworriedwell. Posters respond sometimes talking about their own experiences and when they do, their experience often becomes part of the discussion.

GranJill said her GC had been used as bait.

I agree, threads wander.

Bait was said, but not how or if it even exists.

OP must have been invited by someone, presumably her son, he was then the host. Given dil could have smiled, said hello and goodbye -- I contend the relationship work belongs to the son.

If son fell down on his job pull him up to do his work.

That doesn't mean you can't ask if using children as bait has been mentioned by OP which is what I did.

People do like to pick things apart usually missing something relevant out.