Nasty daughter in-law

Having just read your last post Pussycat I still think that the cool approach is the best but whatever you decide, I hope next week goes OK. Good luck.

I think Pussycat maybe a new poster Lathyrus; I haven't seen her post before.

I would definitely go with the ‘ killing with kindness’ approach.
Just be the bigger person & don’t even mention it .
She does sound very rude & obviously has a problem but don’t stoop to her level

We never just turn up and was invited by all our children there's a lot more to this that I cant share she wasn't happy we were having dinner with our daughter . I have kept the peace for 12 years and said nothing simply because I love my grandchildren.The thing is she has cut her own family out even though her mum is ill she was spoilt all her life and had her own way .I'm not an interfering mil and don't just turn up or criticise . I've invited all my family out next week so will see what happens .

You certainly shouldn't even think of pulling her up about it. it most likely add fuel to the fire. Kill her with kindness this usually knocks the nasty person off their feet.

“Pulling her up”? She’s not one of your rude children!

She’s an adult and only an “in law”

Be the bigger person and just ignore it, an attempt to address it could badly backfire and affect your relationship with your son.

There’s really no reason why your DiL should be friends with your daughter, I’m not friends with my SiL, though I did try in the early years.

Definitely wouldn't pull her up, I would be pleasant, say hello, when you leave say goodbye. Be just yourself with others there.
I take it you were invited and didn't just drop in, hope invite was from the pair of them. My first mil used to turn up for meals every weekend uninvited and got very huffy when my husband said I didn't want to do it. We only had one day a week together and she spoilt it. I never fell out as I wouldn't say boo to a goose then. I never made that mistake with my children. There is no excuse for the way she makes you and your family feel and if it were me i would ask if I had upset her, if she says no she is just rude, if she tells you why, listen. I would ring her when you know she is on her own, its not for others to hear.

Have you any idea what might be behind all this? - it is seldom entirely random.

Lathyrus3

“Pulling her up” about her behaviour makes it sound as if you think you have some kind of authority to admonish her. Like a parent with a child. You’re not in that position. Our in-laws have never been our children and even our children are now adults responsible for their own behaviour.

You were a guest that was treated badly by a host so what steps would you take if it was, say, a neighbour whose husband ignored you. Would you think you had the right to “pull him up” or would you just think how rude and ignore him.

I am assuming you were an invited guest and didn’t just suppose it was ok for you to visit as part of your Christmas Day “family round”.

This with bells on.

However, when your anger cools I think a heart to heart would be a good idea. I’m not talking about a list of grievances to present. I’m talking about a conversation that is 2-ways, calm, with you coming into it with an open mind. Her rudeness is rooted in immaturity, as she clearly is not in control of her emotions if she can go out of her way to be rude.

However, that doesn’t mean she may not have legitimate issues with you and certain family members. Be open to the fact that an escalation in her behavior may be a reflection of her also coming to her wits end with your family as well. Rare is the instance where these situations are without abrasion coming from both sides. Only open, adult communication can get to the bottom of it. I am also not describing complaining to your son about her. That will backfire, and it should. You are her mother in law. As the elder, I would be the one to break the ice. Initiate the conversation when enough time has passed. If she rejects the opportunity to talk, rest your mind knowing you were the bigger person. Then smile sweetly and match her demeanor.

eazybee

This isn't a prob;em I have suffered, and hopefully will not, but isn't it dreadful that adults can be treated like this by other adults. The advice is always, don't say any thing because you will lose contact with your grandchildren if you do. How has it come to this that these dreadful women can control their husbands in such a way?
I know sometimes there are faults on both sides, that sometimes it isn't the DIL's fault at all, but I do know of three cases where mothers-in-law are treated like dirt and their husbands allow it. One family will only allow access if the grandmother pays money to see her grandchildren, ostensibly for their pocket money, but she doubts they ever see it.

I think it’s more of a “if you create trouble you’ll see less of the parties involved and yeah when it’s the mother of one’s grandchildren that includes them. Her son is obviously not bothered by his wife ignoring his mother - this is a situation where there’s nothing to be gained from giving dil a dressing down over it , or a “pulling up” as op says. It wouldn’t change a thing and would only serve to justify whatever reason dil has for ignoring the op. Ops son isn’t going to suddenly decide “oh golly gee mum is right you’re being rude how dare you!” What is far more likely is her son is want to notiuce the dressing down and be upset with mum for acting like an authority over his wife. None of that results in good things - or more time with the grandchildren for op.

Smileless2012

This wan't a one off Lathyrus, it's been going on for years but worse for the last 12 months.

S pussycat a regular poster on one of the estrangement threads? Just asking because obviously you’ll have a fuller picture if so.

But I still stand by what I’ve said in that the phrase *pull her up” suggests the OP holds some kind of authority over the DIL.

It’s always a mistake (in any walk of life or circumstance) to try to exert a power you don’t actually possess.

This isn't a prob;em I have suffered, and hopefully will not, but isn't it dreadful that adults can be treated like this by other adults. The advice is always, don't say any thing because you will lose contact with your grandchildren if you do. How has it come to this that these dreadful women can control their husbands in such a way?
I know sometimes there are faults on both sides, that sometimes it isn't the DIL's fault at all, but I do know of three cases where mothers-in-law are treated like dirt and their husbands allow it. One family will only allow access if the grandmother pays money to see her grandchildren, ostensibly for their pocket money, but she doubts they ever see it.

Lathyrus3

“Pulling her up” about her behaviour makes it sound as if you think you have some kind of authority to admonish her. Like a parent with a child. You’re not in that position. Our in-laws have never been our children and even our children are now adults responsible for their own behaviour.

You were a guest that was treated badly by a host so what steps would you take if it was, say, a neighbour whose husband ignored you. Would you think you had the right to “pull him up” or would you just think how rude and ignore him.

I am assuming you were an invited guest and didn’t just suppose it was ok for you to visit as part of your Christmas Day “family round”.

Agree 100%. Of course the behavior is rude but in the end some people are. You’re not her parent, or her partner - you’ve no authority to “pull her up” and doing so is certain not to improve things, and so I’d carry on - say hello and good bye as then continue on to visit your son and grands and let her do her thing. She doesn’t have to like you or want a relationship with you and in reverse you don’t have to want on with her - ignoring is still rude but nothing to be done. She’s made it clear she’s not interested (albeit in a rude way) so let it go and focus on who you have really gone to visit anyway. Your son and grandchildren.

Pussycat777

I'm now at my witts end for years I've been helpful,polite and kind despite my daughter in-law. But the past 12 months she's stepped up to another level trying to split the family up she's particularly nasty to my daughter who has tried to be friends. She's now latched onto my other daughter in-law and doesn't leave her alone. Christmas day we visited each of our sons and family but had Christmas lunch at our daughters who invited us first .my older son and wife were lovely but on arriving at other sons his wife didn't speak to us and ignored us .im so mad I think there no need for rudeness .she didn't even say bye .so now I'm left wanting to pull her up over it .The only reason I haven't said anything is because of my grandchildren .

This could have been written by my MIL, although I would never be so rude and childish as to ignore my husband's family.
Are you absolutely sure you and your daughter have done nothing whatsoever to upset your daughter in law?????

As some others have said, just carry on as normal. When she learns she is not getting under your skin she may alter her behaviour.

Family resentments can come to the fore at Christmas. Could your DiL feel swamped by your clan at such times? Does she have her own relatives around to balance things out? It's no excuse for not being civil but it might help to consider underlying tensions. Just wondering.

I hope things improve for you all after the festive season.

This wan't a one off Lathyrus, it's been going on for years but worse for the last 12 months.

It must be annoying, giving the silent treatment to people who don't notice.

My nephews wife is just the same as the OP DIL. She will pick and choose who she speaks to and make it quite obvious who she doesn't like. I have learnt to carry on as normal with people like that - makes them have to try all the harder to be bloody nasty.
Rise above this OP and just carry on being yourself

This is a difficult one. How do the rest of your family feel about her and her behaviour?

If I had been your daughter and had one of my guests ignoring another, I would have asked her what was wrong, and asked her not to ruin the day by ignoring my mother!

You have accepted this daughter-in-law's rudeness for years, and presumably your children have too, so I honestly do not think you can change things now.

Have you ever asked you difficult daughter-in-law why she treats you like this? Could you perhaps inadvertently have offended her at the start of your relationship?

If you want to say anything at all to her, I think you need as calmly as possible to say something along the lines of " I really cannot put up any longer with what I see as rudeness from you. Tell me please, why you ignore me? Have I offended you, and if so, what was it I did or said that hurt you?"

“Pulling her up” about her behaviour makes it sound as if you think you have some kind of authority to admonish her. Like a parent with a child. You’re not in that position. Our in-laws have never been our children and even our children are now adults responsible for their own behaviour.

You were a guest that was treated badly by a host so what steps would you take if it was, say, a neighbour whose husband ignored you. Would you think you had the right to “pull him up” or would you just think how rude and ignore him.

I am assuming you were an invited guest and didn’t just suppose it was ok for you to visit as part of your Christmas Day “family round”.

Please don’t ‘pull her up’ - you will make things worse. Just grin and bare it ( or is it grin and bear it ? ) - either way, show your teeth ….😂

Smileless You could though be a lot cooler and less forthcoming when next time you meet. Of course say hello but when ignored at the first attempt to engage her in conversation, don't try again and when you or they are leaving, say 'goodbye' in general without a specific goodbye to her.^

Being a little less helpful, polite and kind may or may not send a message but even if it doesn't, you'll probably feel better for doing it.

Agreed.

Not everyone understands that being polite (minimally - hello and goodbye) is important. However, DIL is grown, you can't train her. No pulling her up.

I would go the other way and be very gushing go up and hug her make a big thing about saying hello and goodbye , make it as over the top as you can but through clenched teeth. At least that way she can't say to your son that you didn't make a effort it will make her cringe but honestly who cares.

"^<pulling her up ^" will probably not end well for you. If she is as unpleasant as you say, there's a whole mountain of nastiness you might unleash. Have you spoken to your son about it? I actually don't recommend it that either as he will probably defend his wife. If you want a relationship with grandchildren and your son, be polite to her. Don't get involved in arguments between dils. Detach a little.