Untidiness

No I wouldn’t volunteer, you will only make a rod for your own back, plus they might be offended.

Thank you all for the messages.
It’s reassuring to know that this is not a rare occurrence.
I will generally offer my help but won’t mention cleaning the house and see what they say!
The last thing I would want to do is upset them x

Absolutely ignore it ; don’t do anything.

fancythat

Ask if they would like any help.

If not, leave it all alone.

Yes I agree.

Ask if they would like any help.

If not, leave it all alone.

Just thank you for this thread. I have been worrying myself sick about my dd's home.
It helps to know that I am not alone in this.

Just ask if you can help in any way. If they don't suggest helping to clean and tidy then you must button your lip!

My friend is very tidy and her daughter is not. Over many years she used to go and spend the day cleaning and tidying up, only to find it in a mess when she visited a few days later. She carried on with this nonsense fir some years before she realised she was beating her head against a very hard wall,

It’s not your house so say nothing and try to ignore the mess.

Not your house, not your business.

My MiL and FiL stayed in our flat while I was in hospital having my first baby. They lived 500 miles away.

DH probably enjoyed having his mum looking after him and they didn't stay on after I came home,

BUT!! She had completely rearranged our bedroom, bought things I would need for the baby and it felt weird somehow. The baby things were not things I'd have chosen in a million years I had all that I needed.
Just emphasising how easy it can be to interfere. I'm sure you mean well just as my MiL did.

Bonnybanko

I was boiling with rage when my mother in law tidied my house while I was away on holiday 🤬🤬🤬

Ditto Bonnybanko. Came back from Florida to find my whole kitchen had been totally rearranged as mil thought it should be. Said she was only trying to be helpful! Every single item went back in its previous place.

Elowen33

Think about how you would feel if they said your house is too clean and tidy to feel comfortable in and started to untidy it. living differently to you does not mean it is wrong.

I would not say anything, however I too cannot relax in what I consider to be an untidy place.

Quite 👏👏👏

You can't go about (bringing the house up to your ideas of order ) tactfully. Leave it alone.
They may consider your house sterile and unwelcoming.

Readandcook hasn't been back!
I hope it works out well for you.

No harm in offering to do the dishes after a meal with them.
I would offer that to friend or family.

When in doubt, just remember your manners.

It is impolite to be a guest in anyone’s home and comment on the untidiness of it. You are a gran, not a resident. You must still mind your manners while in their home.

Please remember that your visits are a choice. If you do not like the state of their home, you can choose not to visit. If you want to continue to visit, just be polite.

However, I don’t think it’s rude to ask family if there is anything you can do for them. Leave it open-ended so that if they do want your help tidying they can say so themselves. In that case, have at it!

Being a gran is a dance between being a solid support and biting your tongue, imo. Life is great after you work past the missteps in the beginning—which we all make. Just get in as much time and cuddles with the little one as you can! Your son and dil will be fine

As long as the baby is clean and well cared for there really isn't a problem.
Best not to try to change anything.
Relationships are what matter.

I feel so much better reading this thread as my house is constantly untidy despite my best efforts!

Yesterday a locksmith came to sort out my door- I had left it unlocked but couldn't find my keys anywhere! I looked in all the usual places and could tell he was getting increasingly annoyed with me. I told him I had just had a lot of post and there my keys were, under a pile of letters!

In my work I supported young people with mental health problems in their parents' (sometimes grandparents') homes. The ones I worried about most were the ones whose homes were spick and span with not a thing out of place...

I hate unnecessary untidiness and housework, my cleaner has my flat spotless but while I totally understand what you're saying and why, it's their house, not yours.

As long as the baby and /or any pets they might have are not in any danger from the untidiness then I wouldn't say anything to them, it could cause a lot of problems.

Do and say nothing and whilst untidy, it probably isn’t actually dangerously dirty.

My dear departed mother actually thought the same about our house!

We had three children under 5, a teenager and a dog and we both worked, no time for housework.

Take a deep breath and still visit and have a shower when you get home and wash your clothes, if it makes you feel better

If you want to drive a wedge in your relationship with your son and his family then go ahead and start cleaning. IF they ask for help, that's one thing but to go ahead without being invited will not end well. Don't dwell on the mess when you visit them but enjoy your family who live there. I am a tidy person, so I do see your point but some people live in chaos and that's their decision.

Horses for courses, everyone has differing levels of tolerance to untidiness, and since the baby arrived I imagine things will get even more untidy. You can suggest helping out generally but don’t immediately suggest tidying up in case they pick up on your issue with it. And they may prefer for you to watch the baby whilst they catch up on rest.
It really isn’t the end of the world, enjoy your new grandchild 🌺🌺

I was boiling with rage when my mother in law tidied my house while I was away on holiday 🤬🤬🤬

I agree with Hithere it’s their house their standards do not interfere, just enjoy the baby

Say and do nothing, this will only serve as a wedge between your relationship.

If they do mention that things are getting on top of them, then by all means offer to 'help' but do not take over. When you visit you could casually ask if you can help with anything whilst you're there but otherwise keep shtum!

sil is a microbiologist and hence their house is never spotless and they never use bactericides on any surface. Their children have grown up very very healthy. He knew what they were doing and it was very deliberate.

Leave them to it op, their children will benefit greatly with wonderful immune systems and very healthy microbiomes and a relaxed attitude rather than OCD