Untidiness

As it’s your DIL I think you can only leave well alone. Sometimes a daughter doesn’t mind a helping hand I know I didn’t.

Leave it be, their way is not your way, who s to say who is right, You like things pristine and tidy they re happy to live in a total mess. A middle ground would be perfect but it’s not going to happen is it
It’s really not your business to try and change to your way any more than it’s their business to try and change you
You can offer ‘shall I wash up?’ But if they say no thsnks than that’s it

Which is more important? .... that their house should meet your standards or that you should have a good relationship with them all going forward into the future?
I know which I would choose.

If you offer to help out are asked to do something to help like the dishes or bathroom then do a good and thorough job. But absolutely do not suggest/ advise or comment on their standards. It will come across as critical and judgmental. Unless sthg is outright dangerous then just go with it. I am untidy and my mil's efforts to sort me out would just be miserable. I would also hate to think sge was telling anyone else about my messy house!

You could, without any agenda, ask if you can help out at all? Perhaps they'd like a night out or some extra sleep. They may greatly appreciate you offering.

There are obviously some important hygiene things like cutting meat on a separate board but research seems to have concluded that a bit of dirt (rather than lots of cleaning chemicals) can improve immunity.

My dad would wipe my kitchen window ledge even if he was only over for an hour.
It drove me nuts!

crazyH

I’m sure you can help by cleaning and tidying the kitchen and living room - they won’t mind, will they?
Sorry, I just realised you just visit, so just ignore me

Yes. They probably will mind!
I always did!

I used to tidy up a bit when I dropped off my daughter’s kids to their house. Nothing major but just stack the dishwasher and rinse a few things. She appreciated it because she is very busy. Her youngest ( teenager) is a really messy girl and I told her, joking, you need a machete to get through the mess in her bedroom. She actually must have listened because it is heaps better now.

If the house was always untidy even before the baby, then I wouldn't say anything, they must like it that way

Think about how you would feel if they said your house is too clean and tidy to feel comfortable in and started to untidy it. living differently to you does not mean it is wrong.

I would not say anything, however I too cannot relax in what I consider to be an untidy place.

For most of my life I thought that tidy people were always very boring, and untidy ones far more interesting . Then I met one or two interesting people who were also tidy, so I modified my views somewhat. On the whole, though, untidy people do seem to be more creative and stimulating, so I would be quite happy for a baby to be brought up by them, and to visit that baby. In fact, I feel ill at ease in very tidy homes.

I myself am untidy in some ways and very tidy and organised in others.

Tread carefully, this is a dil and things could easily be misconstrued. Be thankful that you are invited round and can see your gs. You could ask if they would like any help whilst they are busy with the baby but remember the quote “setting too good an example is a kind of slander seldom forgiven”.

Please don’t suggest anything. It’s their home and not yours. You are so lucky to be included in their lives so don’t rock the boat.

I'm afraid you cannot do or say anything. I can be OK with untidyness though I am tidy myself but dirty is another matter, I cannot eat or drink in a dirty place, I have tried in the past but I wretch so now avoid, not so easy I know if it's your sons place and you have a grandchild. I think I would be taking in a meal, to save them the trouble if you were invited to eat there.

I’m sure you can help by cleaning and tidying the kitchen and living room - they won’t mind, will they?
Sorry, I just realised you just visit, so just ignore me

I wouldn't interfere if I were you.
When I was growing up we had friends whose house was an absolute mess. I think it was occasionally cleaned for special occasions but with 7 children, a dog and granddad living with them, it must have been hard to keep clean and tidy.

Dad was a doctor and those kids were the happiest and healthiest in the neighbourhood. We loved it at their place.

It's a minefield and I would leave well alone! I fully understand how you feel and would like to help but preserve you relationship with your DS and DIL - that is so important.
Enjoy your GC .

Not your house, not your priorities or standards

Do not suggest anything at all