Untidiness

Room4Life

You could, without any agenda, ask if you can help out at all? Perhaps they'd like a night out or some extra sleep. They may greatly appreciate you offering.

There are obviously some important hygiene things like cutting meat on a separate board but research seems to have concluded that a bit of dirt (rather than lots of cleaning chemicals) can improve immunity.

‘ Clean meat never fattened a pig’ was my mother’s saying.

My friend had this issue with her daughter in law when the first grandchild arrived, so was delighted that her offer to take the baby for the day was accepted. She was not so delighted when she took baby back and the house was exactly as it had been, but mother had had a lovely day with her new Painting by Numbers set she had been given as a Christmas gift!

As a health visitor (now retired) I visited many homes with young children which covered all the spectrum of tidy to untidy. Whilst untidy & dirty are not intrinsic problems and as others say, politely ask if there is anything you can do to help but it may not be cleaning that’s suggested! However, there can come a point when a very dirty/untidy house sets alarm bells ringing. If the family are otherwise clean, well cared for & engaged with everyday life then no worries. If there are signs of other potential problems which may be in the background such as depression, mental health challenges, alcohol or drug misuse then there is a different perspective to be considered.

I just remember spending every evening after work cleaning and tidying because MIL was coming over for the weekend. I didn't get in from work until after six and I had to fit in cooking a meal as well.

One of the first things she said was"I don't know how you can live this".

None of your business unless the new arrival is suffering, Keep your nose out of other people's standard just because they are different from yours. I am untidy quite the opposite to my sister who is so houseproud that I hate going there, it is a show house, not a home.

One of my own worst situations was when DM came to live with us. Actually her own flat but we shared the main entrance.
She saw my DMiL scrubbing the stone stairs and later told me how ashamed I should be! An old woman on her hands and knees..... (she was still in her 50s)

I think that was probably when I realised it wasn't going to go well sharing a house with my mum. It was like double whammy.

Mum moved out after 3 years and I can't remember DMiL ever cleaning the stairs again. I think she was showing off to her counterpart. They didn't like eachother.

Untidiness is one thing and can be borne for a couple of hours. But dirt is another matter, it makes me heave and would definitely put me off going round. But…… is it worth falling. Out with the couple?

Why don't you offer to help them out by paying for a housekeeper, perhaps 1 day a week?
I would have loved that offer myself,when my children were born

Bonnybanko

I was boiling with rage when my mother in law tidied my house while I was away on holiday 🤬🤬🤬

Yup. We once made the mistake of giving MIL a key so that she could water our houseplants - came back from holiday to find the house cleaned and tidied from top to bottom....!
I was really cross, but managed to tell myself that at least I didn't have to do it -- however, MIL was never given a key again... (Luckily, she hadn't thought to get a. copy cut..!) 😠

Why do people think new mums want a "rest" from their precious new babies?

I only wanted my husband's help with ours...
it was usually appreciated at 3 am if the new baby needed rocking back to sleep.

Appreciate a rest,I meant to say. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate a test at all!

I'm dreadfully untidy, and I have to tell you that all the people who have suggested I get a cleaner haven't really endeared themselves to me! Your d-I-law would probably appreciate a test as much as anything else - once you're able to take the baby out in her pram for half an hour, that will probably be a huge help!

They are getting used to being new parents, the last thing they need is criticism for their housekeeping, or to feel that you're not supportive.

If you value the relationship don’t say anything. It’s not your house. You need to be sure to keep your opinions to yourself. If you offer to help, keep it light and general, or it will show that you’re critical. Before my MIL visited we cleaned throughly but she still endlessly cleaned. She’d get up earlier than us and be rearranging the kitchen & throwing things in the dustbin which weren’t hers to throw away. We sat her down to explain kindly that we didn’t like her doing that but she got upset, turned it against us, and we were expected to apologise. Our relationship wasn’t great. She always insisted she’d think of her children as children. She didn’t seem able to accept they were adults, that their homes weren’t hers, that they might have their own ways, different from hers. Clearly you are nothing like that as you have asked about how to help them tactfully without upsetting them, but it’s in your own interest to get over your qualms about their house. As the child grows things may change.

My DH is both a hoarder and incredibly untidy. We also have a house that is way too big for us now but he won't consider moving. He has rarely cleaned anything in our 52 years together. For the first half of our marriage I did it all as well as most of the household admin/gardening/childcare etc but now I can't manage as well - hence everywhere is untidy and not as clean as it should be. I would be mortified if any of my friends were to even comment on it.

One SIL is the tidiest man I know. Their house rules include taking shoes off at the door, washing up immediately after cooking or eating, cleaning the bath/shower after every use. I've never been that clean (or fussy if you prefer!) but I do try to keep on top of kitchen worksurfaces, sinks/basins etc. Unfortunately DH can muck it all up in five minutes, even when visitors are expected. Again, I hope such visitors can see past it all and visit it me anyway.

Hi, i could have written this,my son was brought up in a very clean house etc,he now lives in a very messy house has 2 children under 10,him and his wife work full time and we have the kids after school in their house once a week.It is not how i would live but it is their choice,the children are very happy they do not seem to notice,mum and dad are always there for them not cleanig and washing as i was when he was growing up,if i can do lit bits i will but it is their home and their way of life and i totally respect that,i would never tell him what i think it has nothing to do with me,my mum was always giving me advice still does and i am over 60 and i resent it,all i want is my family to be happy however they life.

Agree with that, my Father was very untidy, he was also an artisan carpenter what he could do with wood was amazing. So creative.

When my husband was near deaths door ( on dialysis awaiting kidney transplant) my daughter and son in law offered to " come and do a deep clean" in our house for when he came put of hospital.
All I heard was criticism of my housekeeping! That's what it will sound like to them too!

Depends on what your priorities are. Housework or your relatives happiness. Whatever, mind your own beeswax.

The things that might be more of help is offering to take children and babies out for a walk and give them a break

I would not offer this!
I never wanted time away from my babies.
Offer "ready meals" (homemade) and ask if there are any jobs to do or any shopping required.

My family (both daughters and sons) are grateful for home cooking.
One was excited when I took an occasional load of washing away with me. Especially if it included her husband's work shirts.

I started my married life at the age of 19 in a Middle Eastern flea pit, my Daughter from a baby to 2 years old was subject to more bugs than I care to mention., Both of us have very strong immune systems and I put it down to those 2 years.

None of my adult kids have followed in my clean and tidy footsteps.
The 2 that have kids try but they have different priorities.
My grandchildren are all healthy, bright and happy.
My Gran used to say " you got to eat a peck of muck before you die " .
This is true and helps develop a good immune system.
Sometimes I feel a bit guilty I spent so much time cleaning but my kids don't seem to hold that against me !

I too, think it best to say nothing right now, it may well be that the young couple once they have had a chance to get little used to parenthood will realise that they need to be a little tidier and cleaner.

If not, the time to mention anything at all will be when the child starts crawling as then you can mention to your son that he needs to make sure electric flexes aren't a danger, that a heavy bookshelf cannot topple, and that they will be well advised to move things of the lower shelves.

You could offer to help in very general terms, now, saying something along the lines of "If you need any help, do ask." but don't specify "with cleaning, or tidying up".

Perhaps offer general help, not specifically cleaning.
Say if you can ever help, if they need a good sleep or just want to go out for coffee with friends - after a while of course.
See where that leads?
But I wouldn't suggest cleaning help. I am getting occasional cleaning help and it is SO easy for even the most tactful person to unwittingly hurt someone.

Maybe say how wonderful it is to have a baby and you know too that it is incredibly demanding. Ask if there is any way at all that you can help, practical things you could do to make things even a little easier - and do not press them, accept whatever they say. Having said this - you know your relationship with your dil and you may think this is not appropriate. My own daughter could not wait for me to help in every way - but all families and relationships are different, and a daughter is different from a DIL.

I think an offer to help if done in good faith may be okay, but it depends on your relationship with your DS and DIL. My own DD is very untidy as is my DS2, whilst my other 2 DS are both very tidy, so I can understand your frustration. With my own DD I can be quite blunt and offer to clean up her flat, and with DS2, I makes jokes about how his kitchen isn’t my version of tidy, so any offers of help are usually welcome.

Definitely DONT start tidying up, or suggesting that the way they live is not good enough etc. Surely your relationship with the people in your life is much more important than whether someone is tidy or not If you carry on in that way you may tidy your relationship and contact away too!! Be glad you are invited to visit, as you will have seen on here that many people sadly are not invited to be part of their grandchildrens or childrens lives, so in 10 years time you will not remember what was tidied or what was clean but you really will know if that has ruined your relationship with your family.

The things that might be more of help is offering to take children and babies out for a walk and give them a break. Then an offer to get a takeaway for everyone one evening, so no cooking to be done would be a treat and you will know that the food has been prepared in hygenic circumstances

Another possibility is just listen to the conversation and if you dil comments how much she dislikes ironing or whatever ou could then offer to do some for her. NOT pouncing on the toping straight away, implying her lack of whatever, but in a more casual way, so you could offer to "start" some ironing for her or whatever, and you need to respond to the way she takes it. She might be very grateful or very bristly in which case step back and dont refer to it again. Do they have a garden and do you garden? If so you can imply how you miss your garden and would enjoy doing a bit there. That should not be seen as critical of them but more you wanting to do some gardening.

If it all gets to you when you are there, arrange to go out for a walk on your own or to somewhere you would like to visit, and that could give you a break or you might like to go with them. Either way you get away from the mess for a while, but really if you concentrate on the people and not the things , I think you will have a happier and more relaxed time and keep your important relationship going.

(I would call myself an untidy but clean person!! Must have clean clothes and wash up etc etc, but my interests means that there will always be books and papers referring to two or three different interests, the local paper telling what is happening this week, sudoko, crossword and chess set, as I have a very bad back and cant keep either walking or sitting for long times, so have two or three things going at once and sit or stand when I am able. I am sure my friends would think everywhere is very scruffy but life is for living. No one will be remembering you for the quailty of your dusting when youre gone!!