How to say No, set boundaries?

Please just say ' no "

Re the "saying no" I'm afraid I just say it.
"Sorry I can't do Today" but I do like to have something else I can offer - eg,
"Sorry I can't do today but will gladly pick up your shopping on the way over on Thursday if you send me a list"

This way it still feels a bit positive and recognises that they might need some (other) help.

If you always pick up shopping (or whatever) on Thursday then "but I will still be able to..."
YOU are doing a favour.

(Or his other mother)

I’m his favourite person other than his parents

Presumably working?

Where is the child's father in all this?

So you need a plan of action, that you need to write down and enlist help from friends , both actual help and mental support to remind youthat you are doing the right thing. Firstly , just sit and think of things that you have fancied doing, but never had the time or money to do. So you might decide you would like to do some life drawing or watercolours or join a walking group. Then give yourself a good start by finding a little weekend or short break, where you can try out this new activity along with other keen beginners. If you enjoy your painting or whatever, then look about and find a course you can join near your home. So then you have a perfect reason (NOT an excuse!) to say simply and calmly " Oh I am not free on thursdays or whatever" Then you might also connect with some other people on the course and do some practise together. So it is easier to tell the truth, and your body language and tone of voice will make it perfectly clear that you mean it. Also , if y ou have paid for the course that is another added thing to say that is perfectly reasonable. so you say Oh i have paid for this course and cant miss it as I want to go on to the next level" This actually shows your detemination to do something for yourself, makes it clear that you mean business and are not going to be deflected from your plans, and without actually stating it , that you are no longer available at the drop of a hat. Then either these new friends or old friends you can trust to support you, can also provide you with planned meetings and days out and so you are not available on an ad hoc basis. I dont suugest tht you stop helping a bit, and of course you want to keep your relationship with your grandchild to carry on and grow. BUT , this must be in a way you want it to go, dont be blackmailed by your daughter to being basically her slave, altering your life at her behest aqs and when. Another thing you could begin to do is , not exactly moan about it, but begin to ask her for help. If your back is bad, as her to get YOUR shopping. Plan to go away and as her to get food in for your return etc.

My friend and I had an agreement that we would provide back up and excuses for each other. So if I didn not want to do somethig, I could say sorry I have already agreed to do X with my friend and cant let her down.

Try to begin to do this now slowly, and increase blocking times and dates more as you go along. Remind her that you are getting older and that it takes you x time longer to do simple things etc, and that you have decided to do less of something or other.

Sometimes children dont mean to be demanding, but they just remember all the things you did 30 years ago and assume you can still do things at that pace and energy now. It will be good to talk of friends telling you how frustrating it is that they cant do things so quickly nowadays or that they cant do the decorating as they used to as they cant go up ladders etc,

this is the truth that you are saying. I know only too well that I get very frustrated as I expected to be able to do things in the way I did many years ago. To yourself DONT give up doing things but find a way round it and believe you can do it. We all these days seem to be expected to do endless extra help and chidcare, and there is very little thought to giving US some much needed help. I think that people like Thatcher and social media have given younger people a very selfish attitude where they are the centre of the universe and think that we are only there to make their lives easier. Well time for a rude awakening.

Oh and by the way I really think we should try and get a few meetings of GN's organised. I think that this is a very useful and helpful group where our overall experience means that there will be someone with a good idea to help out , and also remind us that we have done many years of doing without and struggling with life. Do you remember the awful time when the mortgage went up to 15%? My goodness it was a hard time. Our children have very little idea of how hard our lives were at times, and it is time they sorted themselves out.

With a bit of luck you can impose a new balance, where you do not always give up your wishes to suit her, and she will begin to realize how lucky she is to have you around. I lived abroad and travelled a lot and was never lucky enough to live near any family member , so i learnt to stand on my own twoo feet, made friends with other women in a similar situation and we helped each other. About time your daughter did the same.

Oh by the way you can say you are meeting me at any time and I will back you up. Make this the year of YOU, enjoy it, dont feel guilty and as a basic level give yourself a day every week to enjoy something for yourself. The world is your oyster, will perhaps oyster card. Go for it!!

I endorse all the above. Withdraw your good will, she seems to have none.

Why are you allowing your DD to manipulate and monopolise you in this way? Start saying ‘no, not today, I’ve made other plans’ and don’t feel obliged to give every detail either.
The child was always going to pick up every bug when starting day care, it goes with the territory but he will soon settle in and build immunity.
You DD has found herself in a comfortable rut that she doesn’t want to climb out of because her DM has been so agreeable and available. Whilst ever you keep making that journey she will keep expecting you to.
Time has come to gently but firmly make a stand and do your own thing, even if it’s just spending your day doing nothing.

You know this can’t go on, that is why you have written this post, and I think you already know the answer. You have start to prioritising yourself and your own life as well as helping your daughter.
A sobering tale, I was sucked into a similar situation to you when one of my daughters had a baby, she struggled so we would go there several times a week for nearly two years. It was hard work and I am in my late sixties, my OH mid seventies.
Earlier this year my OH had a stroke and bleeds on the brain. Now our lives have changed irrevocably and I am sorry we spent so much time doing so much childcare without setting boundaries. We should have had that time to enjoy our retirement together as well as balancing it with looking after our granddaughter.
As we get older we should be aware that time is precious and we can no longer spend it with no thought for the future.
As Allsorts has said start pulling back now and set those boundaries. You can enjoy your grandchild and your retirement, but you need to get the balance right.
All the best.
X

PKD12 its early days regarding your grandson getting sick at day care. I work in early childhood and the first year is usually tough, their developing immune system seems to attract every bug going around.

I would definitely set down some boundaries in regard to stepping in and I would be selective as too taking calls/texts until the end of the day. You have earned the right to switch off and enjoy your retirement.

Allsorts is right, start making plans and stick with them. If necessary you could occasionally tell a couple of white lies suggesting, for example, that your doctor wants you to exercise and take time out for yourself.

Your daughter should be very grateful for all the support you have offered, don't let her guilt trip you either.

Good luck

PKD12, stop right now. You know it makes sense. As she says, her baby, her house and her rules. First of all, after the one day with the child, call in sick, have time off, at least two weeks or three, decide how much time you can spend with grandson, you should not be cleaning and shopping etc. Just being with him. Book a break to get over your incapacity. It will do her good to cope and make her think. How many fit years have you got,stretch them out a bit. Would you have asked your mom to do what you are?,It's either that or be straight and tell her but she might not react well.