How to say No, set boundaries?

Same boat here, really struggled to get it across how tiring babies/toddlers are for me, even though love them to bits of course. I do one day a week now. There was some huffing and puffing, but just remain calm and do not get upset. My mum gave no help and I didnt expect it. Young ones today feel so entitled.

I very rarely say No to childcare for my grandchildren. I am 77 and not in tip top health but collect from schools at least 3 days a week and look after them until parents come home. I get asked to ferry them around and babysit at the drop of a hat. I love spending time with them and don't mind helping my children out. I don't expect a bunch of flowers every week but this morning's events have annoyed me.
I am at my daughter's house for the day to look after her 2 DD's. The youngest is going to a friends house to play and my daughter just assumed I would be driving her there. I was never asked to do this and it would mean around an hour's drive there and back. For once, I said "No". She didn't say another word but the look on her face and the door slamming on her way out said it all. She is driving to work and will be going near the house where her youngest is going for the day, so can drop her off. I will look after her other DD and get all the housework done as usual but I did not appreciate the cold shoulder.

As lovely as it is that you are doing all these jobs for her, it doesn't sound like she's asking you to do these things, it sounds like you're doing them to be kind. If it's too much then just stop. I'm sure she would enjoy it if you just spent time with her and your grandson.

As far as you going to her, I kind of understand her thinking (I have a 2 and a 1 year old myself). It's so much easier having relatives come to you than pack up everything needed for a toddler, travelling in the car with the toddler (if they're feeling that way inclined, they will scream or need you to do something for them for the entire hour) then once you arrive at your destination (and dependant on whether they have slept the night before) then can quickly become over stimulated and over tired. They will often only settle and sleep in their own bed so then you can't just put them down for a nap so you ride it out, they nap on the way home for 10 mins then you're up all night. I feel for your daughter, I really do. She's only letting you know about the illnesses and the sleepless nights etc because she feels emotionally spent and wants someone who loves and cares about her to acknowledge that. Giving advice can often come across that you're doing things wrong (criticism). What she wants is acknowledgement that she's a good mother and this is a stage that will pass. As for the daycare/nursery, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but my child started a year ago and we only had 6 weeks of no illness in that time ... it's exhausting because they catch EVERYTHING in that first year. You sound like a great mother/grandmother but your daughter feels like she's in the thick of it right now. Maybe if the drive is too much, suggest meeting her at a park half way once your grandchild has got up from their nap then after a couple of hours running around, she may end up getting a better nights sleep. That's less driving for her and less for you also.

I really cannot understand the arrogance and selfishness of some young parents these days. None of my children ever expected me to do any childminding, if necessary helping out in an emergency is fine but this girl is just beyond belief. Tell her straight, she wanted a family the responsibility is hers to bring them up, if it's a case of 'my rules, my house' then she needs to bring up her own children or pay someone to do it. Expecting a 70 year old to take over is just not on.

It’s the time in life to set some boundaries and say no when you want to. My own daughter says she forgets our ages…maybe just have an honest open conversation and say you are happy to help but it’s becoming too much.

madeleine45

So you need a plan of action, that you need to write down and enlist help from friends , both actual help and mental support to remind youthat you are doing the right thing. Firstly , just sit and think of things that you have fancied doing, but never had the time or money to do. So you might decide you would like to do some life drawing or watercolours or join a walking group. Then give yourself a good start by finding a little weekend or short break, where you can try out this new activity along with other keen beginners. If you enjoy your painting or whatever, then look about and find a course you can join near your home. So then you have a perfect reason (NOT an excuse!) to say simply and calmly " Oh I am not free on thursdays or whatever" Then you might also connect with some other people on the course and do some practise together. So it is easier to tell the truth, and your body language and tone of voice will make it perfectly clear that you mean it. Also , if y ou have paid for the course that is another added thing to say that is perfectly reasonable. so you say Oh i have paid for this course and cant miss it as I want to go on to the next level" This actually shows your detemination to do something for yourself, makes it clear that you mean business and are not going to be deflected from your plans, and without actually stating it , that you are no longer available at the drop of a hat. Then either these new friends or old friends you can trust to support you, can also provide you with planned meetings and days out and so you are not available on an ad hoc basis. I dont suugest tht you stop helping a bit, and of course you want to keep your relationship with your grandchild to carry on and grow. BUT , this must be in a way you want it to go, dont be blackmailed by your daughter to being basically her slave, altering your life at her behest aqs and when. Another thing you could begin to do is , not exactly moan about it, but begin to ask her for help. If your back is bad, as her to get YOUR shopping. Plan to go away and as her to get food in for your return etc.

My friend and I had an agreement that we would provide back up and excuses for each other. So if I didn not want to do somethig, I could say sorry I have already agreed to do X with my friend and cant let her down.

Try to begin to do this now slowly, and increase blocking times and dates more as you go along. Remind her that you are getting older and that it takes you x time longer to do simple things etc, and that you have decided to do less of something or other.

Sometimes children dont mean to be demanding, but they just remember all the things you did 30 years ago and assume you can still do things at that pace and energy now. It will be good to talk of friends telling you how frustrating it is that they cant do things so quickly nowadays or that they cant do the decorating as they used to as they cant go up ladders etc,

this is the truth that you are saying. I know only too well that I get very frustrated as I expected to be able to do things in the way I did many years ago. To yourself DONT give up doing things but find a way round it and believe you can do it. We all these days seem to be expected to do endless extra help and chidcare, and there is very little thought to giving US some much needed help. I think that people like Thatcher and social media have given younger people a very selfish attitude where they are the centre of the universe and think that we are only there to make their lives easier. Well time for a rude awakening.

Oh and by the way I really think we should try and get a few meetings of GN's organised. I think that this is a very useful and helpful group where our overall experience means that there will be someone with a good idea to help out , and also remind us that we have done many years of doing without and struggling with life. Do you remember the awful time when the mortgage went up to 15%? My goodness it was a hard time. Our children have very little idea of how hard our lives were at times, and it is time they sorted themselves out.

With a bit of luck you can impose a new balance, where you do not always give up your wishes to suit her, and she will begin to realize how lucky she is to have you around. I lived abroad and travelled a lot and was never lucky enough to live near any family member , so i learnt to stand on my own twoo feet, made friends with other women in a similar situation and we helped each other. About time your daughter did the same.

Oh by the way you can say you are meeting me at any time and I will back you up. Make this the year of YOU, enjoy it, dont feel guilty and as a basic level give yourself a day every week to enjoy something for yourself. The world is your oyster, will perhaps oyster card. Go for it!!

madeleine45 thank you for your thoughtful reply. one thing that really resonates is that i think my kids still see me as their dynamic 35 year old mum! they don’t understand aging, and how can they? yes, a meet up would be nice, i’m sure it would be possible in the UK, maybe not so easy here in australia. all the best 🩷

Babs03

You know this can’t go on, that is why you have written this post, and I think you already know the answer. You have start to prioritising yourself and your own life as well as helping your daughter.
A sobering tale, I was sucked into a similar situation to you when one of my daughters had a baby, she struggled so we would go there several times a week for nearly two years. It was hard work and I am in my late sixties, my OH mid seventies.
Earlier this year my OH had a stroke and bleeds on the brain. Now our lives have changed irrevocably and I am sorry we spent so much time doing so much childcare without setting boundaries. We should have had that time to enjoy our retirement together as well as balancing it with looking after our granddaughter.
As we get older we should be aware that time is precious and we can no longer spend it with no thought for the future.
As Allsorts has said start pulling back now and set those boundaries. You can enjoy your grandchild and your retirement, but you need to get the balance right.
All the best.
X

Thank you Babs03, you said it, I just have to get the balance right 🤞I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s health. Wishing you all the best. xx

Thank you RosieandherMaw, you understand my dilemma. On the one hand I know he’s only little for such a short season and I treasure time with him, but right now I feel worn out and who knows how many healthy years I have ahead of me? I’ll figure it out, thanks again.

Thank you for reassurance re. Day Care Dorrain. I just don’t remember my girls being constantly sick the way my grandson is. In a little over 3 months he’s had Hand Foot & Mouth, para influenza, bilateral ear infections, tonsillitis, conjunctivitis and several URI’s. He’s a healthy robust toddler, it’s awful to see him so unwell so often.

I don’t get this.
I’d be flattered if my D wanted to share with me and felt I was her “go to” person when her little boy is unwell
She has “spinal stenosis” you say, well presumably you don’t but will understand that back pain may make driving excruciating.
I can understand being distressed when GS is unwell but you sound as if you would rather not know about it.
They are little for such a short time, blink and your help will no longer be required and your visits perhaps less welcome.
I don’t go along with all this talk of boundaries but if it is not an emergency and you really don’t want to say Yes, try “I’m sorry that doesn’t work for me” and offer some other time not too far away
Have you ever asked for help and been turned down?
It destroys your self- confidence and can make you feel needier than ever. You don’t expect that response from your own mum.
Honestly there are many grans here who would give their right arm for a D who is as close.

Thank you 💐

I should take my own advice NotSpaghetti, always telling friends and colleagues “just do it, rip the bandaid off, the first time is the hardest, it gets easier, what’s the worst that can happen?” etc. You’re right, I just have to say it. Thank you for support! 💐

Thanks for response Allsorts, to be fair, she doesn’t ask me to shop, cook or clean, I guess I'm of the generation that sees something needs to be done and I do it so I have to look at my part in this. My mother wasn’t supportive, perhaps that’s why I’m in there boots and all 🤪

Husband/father works full time - long commute.

Grammaretto I have 2 teenagers from my older daughter who was on Barbados when she had her first and was 400kms away in Australia when she had her second. So I missed a lot of their babyhood and really grieved that loss, but as you say, things change and I have a different but still wonderful relationship with them both now.

Yes.

Thank you AmberGran 🙏🏼

Thank you for well thought out and articulated response butterandjam, you’ve hit the nail on the head re. my daughter “behaving like a needy infant” because in actual fact, she is extremely competent. Lots of food for thought, thank you. I’m brand new to gransnet so I don’t understand the abbreviations yet e.g. DGC? All the best! 💐

Agree

Working full time - long commute.

Book things to do that get you out of the house and let your daughter know that you are not available that day. After providing so much help for such a long time she is really going to feel it if you suddenly are not there.

I agree with butterandjam that you need to work with her, making sure that when she really needs you you can be available or provide other support but you have the time you need to recuperate and enjoy yourself.

Absolutely right butterandjam.
You should fix your boundaries before DD starts back at work.

I felt sad when my first DGD was born that I was 400 miles away. I was a little envious of DiL's parents who saw her more often. I told them this, in a light hearted way, and they replied that they only have her when she's sick! as that was when the nursery wouldn't take her.

Sometimes I do miss seeing the DGC more often but either they are far away or older now so our relationship has changed.

My In laws were helpful to me but they were much younger and there were two of them.

Perfect reply,

Your daughter is behaving like a needy infant, constantly demanding gratification and Mummy's undivided attention. Only, she's not a child, she's a grown adult responsible for someone who IS a child, Sadly, she is falling short of his needs too.

Presumably GS is vaccinated against MMR etc. Otherwise, the vast majority of toddler upsets are shortlived ; a runny nose, slight temperature, " crabby or droopy", and only last a day or two. These don't require a fortnight off nursery to recuperate.

Do you have a sense she is using him, as some other attention-seeking behaviour , a new version of her own neediness?

She's also married. Why is she seeking so much emotional and practical domestic support from you , (miles away) instead of her husband, the child's father, right at hand in the same home?

I'd tell both parents, that at 70 , with an active life of your own, you're feeling a little tired/over stretched and have DECIDED it's time for a re-set. Cleaning your own home and cooking your own meals is quite enough for a retired 70 yr old . So you have decided to stop cooking and cleaning for them.

Whatever they say, you respond with the following:

" Perhaps they need to re-organise household chores between themselves. Or, they could hire paid help once a week. As DD is planning to go back to work, NOW is the time to get that organised.

Obviously, GS in child care and DD going back to work also means that you won't be coming over every week any more.
GS 's social circle will be expanding to other children, playdates, etc.

Now GS is older, you look forward to them coming to your own home some of the time. Going forward, weekend visits will probably suit everyone better. Perhaps taking turns to host lunch, or tea, once a fortnight? In fact, there are some things at YOUR home you need a bit of help with from DD and SIL, when they visit you. While you entertain GS. "