Paternal nanny

There’s not much you can do about the present but if it’s the “always” that is making you unhappy Id say you’re projecting into a future that you can’t possibly know.

Frequency of contact is not the deciding factor in whether we prefer somebody’s company. Personalities that fit, a sense of ease and shared interests are much more powerful.

Your grandson may in future feel a strong affinity with one particular granny or he may just regard you both equally as the Grannies.

Nobody knows how it’s going to pan out.

Why this assumption that maternaal grandmothers will take precedence.

I am the parent of a son and grandmother to two. The maternal grandmother lives nearby . We live 200 miles away. We have never felt excluded. We have just returned from a family holiday with DS and family. We replaced frequent contact with sustained contact. DS and family would always come down to us during school holidays and stay a week. We went north at half term and stayed 4 days.

Even though my companion grandmother and I are good friends, whenever we visited she would keep away so that we could enjoy the children without complicated loyalties.

We are equal grandparents who see and help our joint grandchildren in different ways.

I am sure there are families where the fathers parents are expected to take a back seat, but a lot of it is the parents of the father assuming they will be cut out and getting worked up about it and acting in a way that makes it inevitable. Diplomacy is the way forward. Quietly, make it an equal partnership.

For many of us it isn't a problem.

One thing to consider:

When your children were young, how many times did they come to you and ask for something, and when you said no, they said, "But so-and-so gets to have it! It's not FAAAAIIIIIRRRR!"

What was your response then? Do you see any parallels now?

I hope some grandparents could see there is more to life than grandchildren.

You are a person too - please find your value without the need of that additional role

Frequency of visits doesn’t mean quality. I advise you to stop yourself from thinking this way. When you feel the compassion and jealousy creeping in take a step back, look into a looking glass and say to yourself - life isn’t fair , and seeing someone more or less doesn’t make them like you - it’s what you do with the time you are given.

I am a maternal nanny but I do not rate myself as greater importance in my grandchildren’s lives than their paternal grandmothers, one of who is an absolute star and without her my DD would struggle with a lot of the mundane tasks around the house.
Myself and the other grandmothers have a good relationship and all get along just fine because we are adults and we acknowledge that there isn’t a pecking order in seeing the DGC.
If you allow these negative elements to infiltrate any relationship then they will take over and blind you from all the positive things in life.
Being a grandmother is not a right…….it is a privilege!

It is more about moving I think Monica sons often move nearer the wife s family (of course not always) ..my own son moved nearer his wife’s parents which was NZ so of course they were the main grandparents and I was just the other Nan (and reading your post you have the joy of a ‘non competitive’ other Nan) I accepted my situation after a few private tears and that’s the answer…. you need to accept it Nannyto
I have grandkids nearer me and they have no other grandparents so I m their number one and then I have others a short plane ride away in Europe and the paternal grandparents are equal distance away

Life isn’t neat and tidy Nannyto and you have to roll with it, accept what is handed to you and make the best effects you can and don’t spend precious time feeling jealous
Use technology to keep you in contact it’s so easy nowadays especially when they’re are little

They ll all leave you as life moves on and it moves on very quickly don’t waste it Get it all in perspective and enjoy them and let them enjoy the ‘other fun gran’

I think when it's doable, paternal gran gets as involved as possible. Actually I'd say that for both grans, when mum is expecting and after baby is born.

Obviously distance and transport (especially driving) are factors, as is health of grannies. Overnight stays and shared interests are a joy, and may last until teenage years, when it's not so cool to stay with gran.

I don't think that many families gravitate to living near maternal gran, do they?

I sometimes have a wee twinge of jealousy the other way round! The two paternal grandmas of my local GC are much fitter than I and are able to help more and do more active things.

I try to make things special in a different way when they are with me. My house is full of art materials and music opportunities and that is what I do with them.

Maybe over time you could try and find something special that you do with your GS so that he associates you with this and looks forward to seeing you.

Where grandparents live in relation to grandchildren is driven more by work than proximity to relations. In fact I can think of families where the mother lived as inconveniently from her mother as she could possibly manage, as she was a dominating and over bearing woman (I knew her).

Our son moved north for work and met a local girl and married her. Her mother lives a couple of miles away. We live 100s of miles away, but between her widowed mother and us we have just developed a happy relationship based on our love for our children their spouse and our grandchildren.

I think you are feeling a bit sorry for yourself here but remember, a child can't have too much love.
None of us know what life brings.
I am grateful that there's another set of grandparents to help my son's family if they need it.

I am equidistant with the other grandparents but the other grandmother does a lot more on a day to day basis. I am happy that my son and family have her support with school runs and sports runs and so on.

We do see them less - but when we do they are visiting us, chatting, playing board games, baking and doing things very differently to the other grandparents.

I'm sure my daughter-in-law will often call on the other grandparents first but we will drop everything in an emergency.
We have just had a lovely week away with them making sandcastles, in the sea, looking for crabs and shrimps. The little ones run to us when they see us and know we are safe and loving.
This will be remembered just as much as the school run.

Don't see it as a competition.
Try to be generous in your own mind about the love of the other grandmother to the little family that you also love. I think if you can remind yourself that this is about love for your son and his family then you will become more accepting over time.
💐

This old chestnut!

I’m afraid it will become a self fulfilling prophecy if you believe it.

Just carry on doing what you’re doing and love your grandchildren.

Find something they love doing to do with them whenever you see them ...that will become special and what they associate with you and your relationship together, separate from the other grandparents who will have their own "specials" with the GC. For me its baking with one GC and watercolour painting with tge other. Both activities started from very young and carried on now they are heading for teens - with one off baking lessons together and various painting projects with some special paints I bought for novelty!!

Nannyto

First of all I need to say I know I will be told off by lots of you for this post and quite rightly so! However please indulge me as I am feeling sad.

I do have regular contact with my DGS and I know I am incredibly lucky. However they obviously have much more contact with maternal grandma and of course I understand why. It does make me feel sad however that she will always be their number one granny - there I've said it! Silly I know but please can anyone else relate? If you can please share with me how you stop that little green eyed monster that creeps up on you?

Please be kind x

You say you're lucky - you're lucky as you do have regular contact. Granny's don't have numbers - there I've said it yes you're being silly.

I'm not aware how I drew a line through that which I intended to post. Apologies.

Actually that's just not true at all. My children always preferred the grandparent they saw least. It really depends on who you are and how you are with them, children don't count the hours you are there.