Grumpy Grandpa - AIBU?

ADHD usually comes hand in hand with anxiety and depression or as a result of it.

Kids are kids, they are loud and silly when they are relaxed and feel safe.

Your husband could do with learning about his diagnosis and how much it will impact his life on a daily basis.

2 of my children are on the spectrum and listening to my eldest talk about what it's like in her brain. It sounds exhausting!

*AIBU that I was very upset with him?
Have to say that the kids didn't seem that bothered.
But I really took it badly and it caused a huge argument between us.*

I looked at a few of your past threads and you said you'd husband suffers with depression and anxiety and recently been diagnosed with ADHD.
That's a lot to take on board and could explain your husband's outburst and 'short fuse' which could mean he was overwhelmed with the noise from the grandkids and the environment he was in and lashed out with his choice of words.
Your daughter also cancelled a trip with the grandchildren, could this maybe be why?

Has your husband had any help with his diagnosis of ADHD?

Children repeat what they hear. I hope that the grandchildren aren't telling their teachers to "shut your mouth" when they find them annoying, and, believe me, children and teenagers often find their teachers very annoying.

the only question I had was on the choice of words that H used TBH I think you've more important things to worry about Philippa.

The fact that your 16, 13 and 11 year old GC don't know how to behave; that they have little or no respect for their GF so see goading him as a game; that you seem to have little or no control over them and their parents have even less.

Could you think about taking them out somewhere special one at a time?

My children (5 of them) loved having a special outing.

Just another option.

I wouldn't call that grumpy, that's just rude.

I have children that age (15 and 12) and they like a laugh with their grandparents when we go out, with and without us, are they a bit loud? Possibly.
If they were stuck on their phones not saying a word to their grandparents they'd be judged for that too.

Kids can't win these days.

What did your grandchild say to get such a response?

Mountain out of molehill for sure you told your husband he was correct to tell the child off but that his words weren’t good so that’s it, all over done and dusted
I don’t really think it needed any input from us
I d definitely encourage the 16 year old to be out and about with friends then you ll have room for the little one to be part of the younger group and not be left behind, even though you take her out separately it must be upsetting for her to be left out of the main trip every time I see that as much more of a problem than grandads telling off

Do you think it might be better to feed them at home rather than in a restaurant where they are irritating other diners and embarrassing DH with their behaviour ?

Less stressful for everyone!

It's hard to react without full context, I understand.
We have the little one 2 full days in the summer holidays when day care is closed, so she gets plenty of time with us!
We cannot take 4 kids in our car, so not an option.
We have these special Wednesdays to give the older kids fun time with us, and they love it as do we.
It's not something we force on them!
And again, the only question I had was on the choice of words that H used.
Seems that most of you agree with me that saying "shut your mouth" to an 11 year old grandchild was not appropriate

BlueBelle
As so often speaks the voice of reason

Perhaps he is just tired, not his thing. Put in a position he doesn't want to be in.

Wellbeck they do sound much younger don’t they I was surprise that they will all be high school children
They never take the 3 year old out as too much responsibility I think I d expect the three older ones to be out with friends and take the little one to the beach Doesn’t the little one get upset when you are always taking the other ones out and leaving her out of the equation I would never have done that

That evening (and often to be honest) they get a bit loud and silly I thought it was a daytime restaurant meal after a few hours at the beach
Apart from the fact he didn’t use a good phrase I think you are upset over nothing and your husband is correct a mountain out of molehill

welbeck - interesting input. They are sometimes not very well behaved, agreed. They are worse with their parents by the way

Maybe that's why they like going out with you as they can take the p ss

You talk about them as if they are at infant school.
Over excited. Silly.
They are old enough to know how to behave.
Maybe you are too lax with them.

They are not back at school yet - they go back September 1st.
So next Wednesday will be a re-run and I will take on your good advice: telling the kids that we expect good behavior and telling H that his words were not OK...

Very interesting comments, thank you all.
H is generally a grumpy type, and has a "very short fuse" when it comes to most things.
He loves the kids very much and we see them a lot (they live close by).
The kids enjoy our weekly outings during the summer holidays (beach followed by a restaurant) and they all really look forward to it. Their parents never take them to the beach for some reason but are quite happy for us to take them. Also there is a 3-year old too, but we don't take her; too much responsibility!
So we go to the beach for a few hours and then out to eat, they love both and even if they have other things on (the younger two are boys and they have a lot of sports things which we work around - the oldest is a girl and she doesn't have much of a social life sadly).
That evening (and often to be honest) they just get a bit too loud and "silly" and of course I (we both) try and calm them down.
It really was nothing so dramatic this week when my H came out with his "shut your mouth" comment.
It really upset me a lot but we have since seen the boys and everything was totally fine and normal - which my H takes as proof that it wasn't a big deal and I am making a huge fuss about nothing.
Which is why I was interested in comments here

Your H should have and could have expressed himself much better Philippa and all three of your GC should know how to conduct themselves when out.

Like you, I would be upset at the way my 11 year old GC was spoken too but I'd be a lot more upset at my H being goaded and wound up by his GC and wouldn't tolerate at it, ever.

By way of simple suggestion, Philippa60, I think in your position I'd not accept the goading and escalation as "normal" and would be quick to reprimand/correct instead of waiting for it to be bad enough for your husband to be so very cross (and rude).

If you do this you may find they stop being so provocative.

I'd also say "If we have a display of xyz as we did last time then you will be taken home".
I would mean it, and carry it through if necessary.

The children must be back at school now surely as it appears you are from overseas (behavior) so grandpa can now enjoy his own company to his hearts content

For the avoidance of doubt, I am not the Grumpa to whom butterandjam refers!

I can imagine intervening in similar circumstances, but would not use the same phraseology. In fact, I find that tone of voice works well with the younger DCs.

At their ages I'd expect civilised behaviour in a restaurant.

Both the kids and Grumpa.

Luckygirl3

Baggs

Philippa, did grandpa's intervention work? I'm not surprised you were upset by what (and how?) he said, but did it work? Just curious as you don't mention any result except about you being upset. If the grandkids think irritating grandpa is a game, then they don't sound very nice to me. And do you try to stop them?

OP said the children were not bothered by his intervention and they almost goad him - it is a game to them.

I find the whole thing extraordinary - my GC are totally respectful in their dealings with me and their other GPs - something is not right here.

I think before we start asking whether grandpa's irritability is pathological, we should be asking how it is that these children behave in this way in the first place. These are secondary age young people, not toddlers.

Thank you, Lucky. You have expressed it better than I did.

Baggs

*Philippa*, did grandpa's intervention work? I'm not surprised you were upset by what (and how?) he said, but did it work? Just curious as you don't mention any result except about you being upset. If the grandkids think irritating grandpa is a game, then they don't sound very nice to me. And do you try to stop them?

OP said the children were not bothered by his intervention and they almost goad him - it is a game to them.

I find the whole thing extraordinary - my GC are totally respectful in their dealings with me and their other GPs - something is not right here.

I think before we start asking whether grandpa's irritability is pathological, we should be asking how it is that these children behave in this way in the first place. These are secondary age young people, not toddlers.

It’s really hard to tell what the actual situation is here. But you do say that the kids like winding grandpa up in order to see him react, indeed you say is like a game to them. This has to stop because obviously grandpa doesn’t like it and neither would I to be honest. The fact that your husband wants to come out with you all shows that he doesn’t want to miss out/wants to enjoy the GCs too. However, his language is definitely too robust and he needs to be told this robustly as well.
But first make sure the GCs don’t see grandpa as a side show, and that they behave when out in public. If was me I would ask the 16 year old to help out more with the younger ones and try letting them play in the garden if you have one or on a local park, where they can play games and leave both of you to sit on a bench and rest.