Grumpy Grandpa - AIBU?

That is so rude of your husband. The 11 year old was just being an 11 year old. There is no need for him to be like that and I would certainly leave him at home when you next go out with them. My DH has done that in the past and I asked him to stay at home in future unless he can be nice with them. He stays at home but he is not their biological grand father. Plus my DH doesn’t have any contact with his 3 children and therefore he is a rubbish parent and was never going to be a great grandfather.
Have a chat with your husband and point out that you are not going to go through that again and he will have to butt out!!!

Philippa, did grandpa's intervention work? I'm not surprised you were upset by what (and how?) he said, but did it work? Just curious as you don't mention any result except about you being upset. If the grandkids think irritating grandpa is a game, then they don't sound very nice to me. And do you try to stop them?

He is not grumpy, he is rude, do not give him a free pass

Your husband could be grumpy but he is still and adult and he is able to behave like a decent human being being, right?

Kids may not be as ok as you think, words hurt and they may be internalize them.

Your gc are seeing his grandfather for whom he really is and is not a pretty picture.

I would tell my husband to behave like a decent human being or stay home

My partner is not at all grumpy with my grandchildren- aged between 10 to 14 and I am grateful for this obviously, because he had no children of his own, and there is mutual fondness between them
However, I am curious to know whether anyone on this thread has any experience of consulting a GP (we are registered with the same practice) about worrying changes in a partners behaviour.
He is in absolute denial so he won’t go himself, so how should I approach the GP and what can be done practically?

The only other person who I could share this with is his brother but he lives in another city and has had serious health problems of his own to deal with- but they do get on.

Hmm. If was “appropriate to call them out” on their behaviour,
why weren’t you doing that?

IF you feel his behaviour reflects badly on you, perhaps he feels your just letting the GC behaviour go reflects badly on him.

Sorry but it does sound as if you put him in the position of being grumpy, reprimanding grandad by not stepping in yourself.

Telling a child to 'shut your mouth' is horrible.

Is the sort of behaviour in question what the child's parents would normally allow, or not correct?

I've had to point out to my husband that he's taking out his annoyance on the wrong person.
It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for him.

Yes you need to correct the behaviour, but it's not always a child's fault if they don't realise it's not acceptable to you and people in general.
In which case the wording and tone need to reflect this.

Do you have to keep going out can’t they do things around your area, at those ages mine were out and about with friends
I mean it depends how often these trips are, it sounded a regular thing how you’ve described it.
In my opinion 16 is incredibly old to be hanging around with nanny and grandad and siblings isn’t he or she off with their friends without a glance back at grandparents. Even 13 year olds usually want to ‘hang out’ as they put it
Yes your husbands choice of words were definitely wrong but if that’s his only crime in the heat of the moment ?

You call them your beloved grandkids well we all love our grandkids but ‘beloved’ sounds really OTT as a description are you sure you’re not over doing it all
Are they girls or boys by the way ?

Just to clarify, I have no issue at all with disciplining the kids and telling them to quiet down, they were just getting over excited really but it was entirely appropriate to call them on it.
My issue this time was his choice of words: "Shut your mouth" to a beloved grandchild is just wrong in my opinion.
He is very often grumpy, it is nothing new.
I always offer him the choice of not coming but he nearly always says he wants to come and is offended by me even suggesting him not come!
It is a bit of a lose-lose situation TBH.
I am constantly tense and on edge worried about him losing his temper.
I think the kids actually enjoy seeing him get irritated, it seems like a game to them.
But this time I just got really upset by his words.
He thinks I am completely out of line to be upset or to criticize him and says it is between them and him
I think that if we are out together his behavior reflects on me too, and if I don't react then I am condoning those words (which I am absolutely not).
Any more advice?
Thank you all for weighing in

As someone else has wondered, what was the context of Grandpa's outburst? Was the 11yo eating with his mouth open or being a 'hullaballoo'? Either way the words grandpa used are not excessive imo, though not ones I would have used.

Kids do need to be told NO sometimes and if your GCs are excitable and noisy where it is not appropriate, perhaps they haven't been taught enough about good manners.

Admittedly grandpa's manners leave something to be desired too. Perhaps grandma should try to calm the kids down before it gets to grandpa outburst time.

PS, but saying ‘Shut your mouth!’ was IMO bad manners, too. He could have worded it rather better. My father used to say ‘Pipe down!’ if any of us was getting a bit noisy.

I’d leave him at home another time. But TBH if the Gdcs were being excessively noisy in a restaurant, maybe it’s time they learned to behave appropriately.

..true but 11, 13, 16 getting "over excited" in a restaurant is just not on.

Indeed. He may have a point. I don't like the language he used, but if you are both involved in their care, then disciplining them is part of the job. And it falls to both of you. You might feel less concerned about letting them get away with this, but it is reasonable that he should have a different view and seek to curb their unruly behaviour.

My youngest GC is now 9 and he absolutely knows how to behave in a restaurant, as do all his older siblings and cousins.

If they are like that in a restaurant then I would guess they are even worse in the home - no wonder your OH is fed up!

Have to say that the kids didn't seem that bothered. - it is not ideal that they are not bothered about being pulled up on unacceptable behaviour.

I'm finding most of the old men I know are grumpy, sometimes unbearably so.

I either tell them off or ignore them.

I agree that if he doesn't like being around the GCs then let him do his own thing.

I know a family who do always everything and go everywhere together and I find that stifling. The GCs always seem miserable. I don't think its healthy but that's just me.

The kids are kids; they get over excited, noisy etc.

The 'kids' are all of an age when they should be able to behave in a restaurant without getting noisy and over-excited.
I presume your husband did not enjoy their uncouth behaviour.
On the other hand: shut your mouth is a horrible expression; 'be quiet' would have been more appropriate.
I hope your argument was about his choice of expression, not your belief that kids will be kids and thus excuses poor behaviour.

NotSpaghetti

...true but 11, 13, 16 getting "over excited" is a restaurant is just not on.

The language used would be the issue for me - not telling them to be quiet!

That’s what I think too.
Teenagers can be noisy but they need to learn to dial it down in social situations. Telling them to be quieter is the way to go, but in different words.

Hmm, I did wonder when I read noisy, excitable and in a restaurant whether he was more aware of the reactions of other diners than you were🤔

I wouldn’t have liked his language but perhaps the sentiment wasn’t entirely out of place.

How would Grandpa have reacted to the 11 year old telling him to 'Shut his mouth'?

*in A restaurant

...true but 11, 13, 16 getting "over excited" is a restaurant is just not on.

The language used would be the issue for me - not telling them to be quiet!

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. It’s hard when you’re trying to create happy memories with the grandkids and your partner reacts in a way that feels harsh. Even if the kids brushed it off, I can see why it upset you. They’re just being kids, and tone matters a lot in those moments

But is he grumpy to not to always want to go on ‘teenage’ adventure day?
Granny loves it so ler her go and enjoy her time with the teens and let Grampa do his own thing most of the time and just come out on occasions. I can’t think of anything worse that dragging an unwilling grandparent on ‘fun adventures’
Let him do some gardening or mend the shed or something

If you H isn’t normally like this with your GC just keep an eye on his attitude towards them along with other things.
I hate to be alarmist, it it easy to sense things which aren’t there but my H loved our GC and loved their company until very gradually he changed, little things to start with but over a couple of years he tired easily with them.
It was the start of dementia.
Many people say when looking back the signs are there long before we recognise them.
I realise this may not be the case with your H, he may just be Grumpy Grandpa.

My DH does get very grumpy too at times. It certainly brings the little ones back in line when Grandad “barks” at them 😂