Grumpy Grandpa - AIBU?

Totally understand how upset you felt with his language, have read your 2nd response and I gather he’s just someone who is used to being in control, and not exactly one of those grandpas who joins in… except maybe the occasional comment if others are about to make it look like he’s “fun”. I gather this also from the fact you say he doesn’t really want to be go out with the grandkids but at the same time doesn’t want to be left behind.. so in actual fact he’s not there out of the joy of “being part” of young ones excitement… he’s there because of his FOMO ( fear of missing g out) my honest advice… I’d rather leave him in when I’m
with the grandkids and have fun with them, then have a row about him not being asked… than take him with me, walk on eggshells and have less fun… and provably still have a row. Some men are the kids who never grow up and can have silly interactions with their grandkids… whilst others are much more disciplined, perhaps it’s to do with their childhood.. but in the meantime YOU DO YOU… and leave him home… as my mum used to say to “hang as he grows”

I think that kids are generally remarkably forgiving and very happy to take the rough with the smooth. They develop their own relationships with the people they love (and know love them).

I’ve been amazed to see the independent relationships develop between my DDs and their grandparents - two of whom were really not great parents themselves and one was really not a good husband. I thought they were rude and infuriating sometimes, but the grandkids used to shrug it all off with ‘Well, that’s just grandad.’

I wouldn’t have wanted to hear that language either - but as language goes, it’s not that bad really is it? You will each have different relationships with your grandchildren - although it’s good to be able to manage them jointly when you can.
I wouldn’t want to risk spoiling the time you still have with them - you have obviously been doing a great job - inspite of the grumpy one - if they still want to come regularly to spend time with you at that age. Unless you sense the children becoming unhappy with your DH’s style, I think I would try to relax and let it go.

Brilliant response and a really good solution.

Instead of criticising your husband use your superior approach to instill some much needed manners into your badly behaved grandchildren.

So you are on pins with him when out with grandchildren? Don't take him
End of

We do seem to be in a minority don't we win and Lathyrus.

My husband is frequently grumpy and has never had much patience. He once used angry words to our 10 year old GS which I felt were quite unacceptable, and I told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever spoke like that again I would tell my daughter. I was upset too, but our GS seemed to brush it off, as yours did.

If you can find a calm time when you can talk sensibly together and privately, then perhaps you could discuss things in a better manner. You may have always had some differences in how you perceive their behaviour depending on your own backgrounds, but perhaps are both retired and find it harder than previously to cope with long spells with the children, especially if you did not altogether agree with their behaviour in the first place. The starting point would seem to be to think how their parents expect them to behave, and not accept anything less from them when they are with you.

Then you might discuss where your personal limits of behaviour when you are out in public are, and perhaps if you think the children are deliberately antagonising him, seeing it as some sort of game to see who can annoy him the most, you need to put a stop to it. So in my case when they next talk about going out for a meal, you calmly say that they do not behave well in public so for now you wont be going out, but will eat at home. If they improve a little, you might consider a take away occasionally, but certainly I think that you and your husband need to present a united front. It will not help them at all to think that poor behaviour is acceptable, whether young or old, and you do not want to end up with a you plus grandchildren against your husband, where he will feel that you are being disloyal, and ganging up on him and whilst his language on that occasion was not good, your grandchildren will grow up and go their own ways, and if you have upset and antagonised your husband this may lead on to further problems instead of being able to enjoy each others company.

I think it would be a useful thing to be a bit observant and see if you notice changes in your husband, sleeping less well, eating a lot more or a lot less and then go on from there to find out if ther are underlying problems that he has not mentioned about his own health. If you are in a lot of pain or not sleeping you are much more likely to get snappy and upset than if you are sleeping well. I would not think it disloyal to ask perhaps other adult family members if they have seen a change recently, as it is possible as you se him every day that you might not notice it in the same way. Hope that you find something that helps

Philippa60

It's hard to react without full context, I understand.
We have the little one 2 full days in the summer holidays when day care is closed, so she gets plenty of time with us!
We cannot take 4 kids in our car, so not an option.
We have these special Wednesdays to give the older kids fun time with us, and they love it as do we.
It's not something we force on them!
And again, the only question I had was on the choice of words that H used.
Seems that most of you agree with me that saying "shut your mouth" to an 11 year old grandchild was not appropriate

You really do not want yo listen fo you OP you are do wrapped up in your grandchildren they cannot do wrong at any cost. I would say your husband had enough of tb dit bad behaviour snd he just blew his top st them, shame they have not been taught and still are nit how to behave. No wonder the young lady as she is at 16 has no social life. She is still behaving like spoilt brat by the sound of it. At that age Even she should be telling her young siblings to calm down. There is something really wrong here poor grandpa

I think we’re in the minority win.

I find it odd to be concerned about a short three word outburst and not at all concerned about three loud excited teenagers carrying on and ruining everybody else’s restaurant dinner.

🤔

Smileless2012

^the only question I had was on the choice of words that H used^ TBH I think you've more important things to worry about Philippa.

The fact that your 16, 13 and 11 year old GC don't know how to behave; that they have little or no respect for their GF so see goading him as a game; that you seem to have little or no control over them and their parents have even less.

Spot on

I chose my alias because at one time my family referred to me, teasingly, as the Christmas Grump. I don't think I am, really.

Baggs

*Philippa*, did grandpa's intervention work? I'm not surprised you were upset by what (and how?) he said, but did it work? Just curious as you don't mention any result except about you being upset. If the grandkids think irritating grandpa is a game, then they don't sound very nice to me. And do you try to stop them?

Exactly this it sounds to me like grandma actually enjoys seeing the children needling grandpa. It has become a game to her too by the sound of it. I think grandma should have stepped in much sooner and I think those children need to be taught how to behave when out and in particular in a restaurant.

I am not surprised grandpa list his rag he probably realises himself that his choice of language was wrong but was so exasperated with them all and their silly behaviour it just flew out.

He wants to spend z nice time with his grand children not to be wound up and needled by them and dvd’en his own wife. I feel really sorry for him. Op is very sparse in explaining what actually did happen

GrammarGrandma

I have a friend who told me this week that she believed all husbands became Grumpy Old Men! I was astonished, as mine is not like that and nor are the men in any of the couples we know. What do Gransnetters think?

I don’t know any. My husband says that about older women, which I have to agree to some point, my friends always have a good moan, whilst husbands say nowt.

I would have told him to leave and have a big blow up at him when I got him on my own!! There's no need to be like that!!!

I do feel for you, Philippa60. Got the T-shirt! I think it may be that your DH has an embedded idealised view of time spent with the GKs & every time things don’t live up to his expectations he gets upset. Does some of the situation stem from his childhood? My DH was one of four & his father was extremely strict & I think quite scary. He finds it hard to understand why our GKs (not yet teens) don’t always say ‘how high?’ when he says jump!
As you say the kids seem to enjoy the game, I also think what may be going on is that they are playing you off against each other - getting Grandad going & watching Grandma’s discomfort. Leaving aside your DH’s very unfortunate choice of words, it may help if you stop falling into the roles of good cop/bad cop. Hopefully you can support your DH pleasantly without being grumpy yourself. Doing this consistently for a while may knock the kids’ manipulative games on the head.
It’s easier said than done, as I know so well, but worth persevering & may gradually release DH from feeling he has to be the disciplinarian. A united front is actually reassuring for young people as well, as they’re also pushing the boundaries of your relationship with grandad. Hopefully you will still be a couple long after the GKs have moved on. Try to be a couple while they’re still happy to be with you. Then when you are Derby & Joan you won’t regret having let the teens damage your marriage. Meantime you could have a gentle word with DH about setting a good example - or wait & see if he speaks to them like that again! I do wish you all the best of luck getting through the minefield.

BlueBelle

Well if it’s not his thing (and not everybody enjoys time with young teens) let him stay home, and you do things with the teens on your own. I doubt the 16 year old will wanting to be ‘hanging out’ with grandparents much longer mine were all off doing their own thing with their friends at the age and younger

Let grandad be free of these duties and chose to come if and when he feels he wants to, after all they’re not toddlers to be looked after enjoy your time with them and don’t be worried about the fourth teenager

The best advice by far.

Nit every grand parent thinks their grand kids are wonderful all of the time

Seem to be spending quite a bit of time with you. More time for their parents?

Nellygran

Hmm, not sure that grandma should be held responsible for grumpy grandpa.

But responsible for badly behaved children perhaps?

She doesn’t seem to have taken any action to deal with their excited noisy behaviour 🤔

Among my friends if I say something about him being grumpy, they invariably say "mine too".
My middle GS calls him Grumpy Grandad, and he prefers to avoid him. This does make DH sad, but he brought it on himself

Bazza - I was brought up in a household with Mum & Dad, but Mum was the one who was liable to exploding, throwing things at us & swearing at us, whereas Dad was a total sweetheart who would put himself in the way of missiles (both verbal & physical) to spare us.

Hmm, not sure that grandma should be held responsible for grumpy grandpa.

I'm the only grandparent of my grandchildren, and I often have to wrangle them on my own. It can be a handful especially the 7 year old,I sometimes wish I could borrow a grandad!
They are very good in restaurants though,they love it!

"shut your mouth" - not the language to use with a grandchild in any situation in my book. Sure, a misbehaving g.child should be checked but not using gutter language.

I think saying 'shut your mouth' to anyone is extremely rude and unacceptable especially to a child!What is that teaching him,that is how you speak to people! He could have asked them to be a little quieter in a more acceptable manner... I would have been annoyed at him too...

No, not an acceptable turn of phrase at all. However it did make me wonder why so many more men than women seem to be grumpy. I’ve got one and while he will admit to being a GOM he can’t tell me why. He’s definitely got grumpier with age, Grammergrandma. I was bought up in a totally female household with no grumpiness so I find it hard to deal with.