Gatecrashing family holiday

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, suggestions and wise advice. I think I will be keeping very quiet next year. She is pretty devious when she wants to find out something though! It's always been that she is happy to take but not to give and very much prone to getting nasty if things don't go her way. But it's happened now and I'm not going to dwell on it as it was still lovely to see all my family.

I guess I would have rousted her out of bed and pushed the children back to her, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Your post reminded me of a family holiday many years ago when my sister was going through a low patch. (She has had many in her life.) At this time, she used me and my husband as a shoulder to cry on – she was on the phone every other night looking for support with one thing or another. My husband invited her and her two children (2 and 3) to come on holiday with us to the holiday house we had booked for us and our four children (10 – 15) . (Opinions differ on whether he asked me about this beforehand or not!)
We ended up looking after her kids from 6am when they woke, while she stayed in bed until lunchtime. We’d take them out with us to things that were appropriate for their age, while she had some more! time to relax. I and our kids did all the meal planning/shopping/cooking/washing up. It was the time of the very long Harry Potter books, and once her kids were in bed, our kids and I would all gather in one of their bedrooms for the next chapter or two, (yes, even 15 year olds enjoy being read to!) while my husband and my sister enjoyed a glass of wine or two downstairs.
Thing is, my husband was always very committed to his work, and spent long hours at the office, working again when he came home, so our children used to look forward to our holidays away as a chance to actually see him, not stressed, and have fun with him. Our kids were great with their little cousins, but they really resented that their father was not available to them. When they told me, I listened, but emphasised the value of helping family members when they needed it, and said that we appreciated their understanding of the situation.
But it caused a great deal of tension between my husband and me, at the time and afterwards. From his point of view, he was doing ‘A Good Thing’ in helping my sister through a difficult time. He said it’s not unusual for related families to go on holiday together and for cousins to enjoy being with each other, and that I was simply childishly jealous of the attention my sister was receiving. However, from my point of view, our holidays were precious times for our own family, and the age difference between our kids and my sister’s was too great for us all to do much together. When I said that our own children wanted and needed his attention, he told me that I had influenced their thinking in a negative way.
Years later, when we went to Relate, this episode came up as an unresolved issue, and remained so. My husband was unshakeable in his view that he did the right thing, and that my reaction was motivated by jealousy and unreasonable expectations. In his view, the holiday could have been a joyous event where bonds were reinforced, but that my mean-spirited lack of generosity spoiled it.
Fast forward to today, when we’re all in our sixties. My sister and her kids have mental health issues. She is permanently ‘unwell’ with one complaint or another, some real, some imagined. She is still married but her husband has more or less given up on her. If you're feeling sorry for her by now, know that she has told her version of this time to another sibling: it seems my husband was relying on her for support. Who knew? Luckily, my sibling remembers and knows how it really was. My sister is also apparently very sad that now, I want to have as little as possible to do with her.

I'm curious - how did your sister find out about the planned trip? I'm with several others on here who have advised that, next time your immediate family come to visit you, you keep very quiet about the plans and advise them not to tell your sister either if they are in regular contact with her.

I have a much younger sister with no GC yet who I love to bits but at family occasions she does tend to dominate somewhat wherever we are and sometimes it is necessary to keep very quiet about our plans. Otherwise she turns up if she hears about them, takes over and monopolises our AC, sons-in-law and GC whether they like it or not!

I wouldn't tell your sister of any future plans you don't want her to be involved in.

Could you get the train or a coach to visit your family sometimes, to avoid a long drive? If they start coming to stay with you as you now live at the seaside will you be left to fund a cottage each time?

If you and your children do something similar next year, make quite sure no one inadvertently tells your sister!

As she has children and grandchildren of her own, she does not need to butt it and monopolize your family.

And as she cannot take the trouble to be pleasant to you, how about telling her how obnoxious you find her behaviour?

We had a slightly similar situation at DDs wedding.
As soon as my DB heard the wedding was planned he booked plane tickets for himself and all his DC and DGC
The invitations hadn't been sent and DD didn't have space for all the cousins. As soon as my DS heard, she said her lot would come as well and they did - even the cousin my DD doesn't like!
This meant fewer of their friends could come and fewer of her DH's family - who were far more diplomatic.

I have some sympathy for your rather spoiled holiday. I hope another time you can arrange things differently. Don't tell sister!

How jolly decent of your family to meet up rather than you travelling to them, I wonder if you funding the holiday helped, Perhaps you could jointly start a savings pot for next year, the drive to them for a couple of days is unlikely to get easier as you age.
Your sister sounds awful, I wouldn’t fret trying to look for her motives, I’m afraid you either ask her, possible a tricky conversation, or you keep it a secret, make it a surprise until the last minute for your family so she doesn’t get wind.

I would have found this really intrusive and it would have spoilt my week.

Calendargirl

Don’t tell her your plans in future.

That’s it😄
If you really don’t want her there keep quiet about future plans.

Unfortunately there are people like your sister. They are not happy unless they are the centre of attention and stop at nothing to get it. Perhaps you should never tell her your plans again.

Certainly don’t tell her your plans in future.

For the next family meeting could you both meet in the middle or a prearranged destination by hiring a cottage for you all. Don’t tell your sister

Don’t tell her your plans in future.

This sort of thing happens all the time in my family! I remember going to Norfolk years ago and my sister and her family were there the same week, but a few miles away from us.

I remember spotting them coming along the beach and gathering everything together quicky to run further away- but, of course they followed and eventually we gave in.

Your sister seems insensitive. In future I would keep quiet about my plans. It does seem odd that she came alone, when she seems to have a big family of her own.

Strange behaviour from your sister, you mentioned that ‘they’ would be taking a cottage, did she come with a partner? I wonder what the partner thought?

On what you have written it seems like your sister is used to getting her own way. It sounds as if she is envious of your immediate family and wished to put her stamp on things.

I would also firmly suggest that the children are given the right to not be hugged or made to sit on knees if they do not want to. Your sister needs to understand that their bodies are just that, theirs! No adult should be making them have cuddles etc they do not want.

I wonder if it is worth trying to have a general conversation with one of her adult children. They might give you an insight as to why she is behaves as she does.

Don’t tell her.

I think that your sister is an insecure and lonely person , who is constantly wanting to be popular .
She's possibly jealous of you .
This is an awkward situation .
I wonder if her family find her overbearing.
She sounds like my daughter's ever demanding mother in law .
You can either grin and bear it or be really devious in excluding her from your plans or have a show down with her .
Good luck - whatever you decide to do .

Well, what’s done is done. If you wanted to talk to her about her behaviour the time to do it was after a couple of days when you could have changed things.

There’s no point being cross with her now unless you feel that’s the solution to her never repeating her actions. In which case go ahead!

Well done for saying no to that last meal. Now work out how you are going to say no in any similar situations that arise.

Not telling her family are coming. Ignoring texts about what you are doing. Straightforward no. Work out the strategy before you get caught out again💐

In your post you say your sister is habitually not very pleasant to you; so I'm not surprised having her around & wanting to be included in everything was annoying.
It's very odd behaviour on her part to book a cottage in the same place & at the same time as your sister's family if they haven't suggested you join them. I think it's a weird thing for her to do.
But you managed, well done for being assertive over the last night meal out.

Interesting thought Treebee!! Actually she is married and has four children and three grandchildren who all live in the same city . She sees them daily and does a lot of childcare for them. She has lots of friends too.

Your sister sounds lonely. From what you say she was as keen to enjoy your family as you were.
I’m happy you had a good time, but could you not include her next time?