How often to visit?

You are absolutely not a bad grandparent and there is zero reason for feeling that way.

My son is also in the US with his family. I visit 2-3 times per year because one of the children has some health issues. Otherwise, it would most likely be two visits at the most. As I age, the travel is takes a toll on my body more and more. The cost is certainly not cheap.

On the other hand, the limited paid time off from work in the US cannot be underestimated. It varies from company to company, but on average workers get just about two weeks. It’s called Paid Time Off in most cases because that time is used for holidays and sick time. Having young children makes overseas travel more expensive and time off more limited. Parents sometimes must use that limited allowance to care for sick children as well.

You and your son should not be hard on yourselves or each other. It’s just the reality of having family on separate continents. I’m grateful for Facetime and Whatsapp. Technology has allowed us to stay much closer emotionally than in the past. Lean into it!

I have 3 DC ...the 2 that live on my door step are the ones with children ( my GCs)....my eldest lives in Canada ...a 9 hour flight from me ...its a competitive flight route which makes prices more affordable .....he gets 2 weeks holiday a year ...quite normal in his industry...luckily he works 2 weeks on 2 weeks off...so comes 'home' about 2 to 3 times a year ...then we meet up overseas once a year ( this year was new york and philadelphia) ...last year was Australia....and we go to Canada once a year....not necessarily his home town....but meet him in different cities so we get to see the country....obviously of he settles down with a partner this will all change but we've been doing this 11 years now and he never feels far away

A Fear of Flying course (Virgin Atlantic) definitely helped me to get to Singapore. Also Bach Herbal Remedy to spray on tongue and a stress ball in my hand.
The one day course was given by a lovely man dressed in his pilot uiform who said "ask me anything you like about what is worrying you" - anything at all.

Yes the holiday they get is a big issue - they have so little time off.

Another problem is the family from abroad having to use annual leave from work, which as I understand it isn't as generous as in the UK.
Plus as the children get older they'd need to travel during school holidays, when their flights will be dearer.

The problem with expecting adult children with children to fly to the UK, even once a year, is the cost of the journey.

When a grandparent(s) flys to visit they need to buy 1, at most 2 tickets and can probably draw on savings to pay for them . When a family with 2 children fly to the UK it is 4 tickets and the cost rises as the children get older and they probably have to find the fare from income. Not all foreign based children are well-off.

I remember one of the last things DS said before they emigrated to NZ about 18 years ago. It was "it might not be forever"

I guess that helped ease the wrench. I'm also lucky in that DiLs mum is in this country too so they will continue to come while we are still alive.
I hope to go once more despite the long haul flight. I would break it down another time.

I am lucky that my other 3 DC are at least in the same continent. I'm off to Ireland next week to visit DS1!

As you say BlueBelle it's life.

ShaunaMcGregor I don't enjoy flying, but often it's the only means to get to where I want to be.
I always choose an aisle seat as I feel claustrophobic in a different one.
I don't want to sit by the window and see the world tipping as we take off and land!
I sit near the front of the plane so I have easy access to the toilet.
I use earplugs to drown out the noise and try to get some sleep, or I read a book or do a crossword.

I concentrate on the cabin crew and remind myself they're doing this every day as a job, so it can't be that awful!

Best wishes to you and I hope you can overcome your reluctance to fly.
Try and focus on the reason you are going and the family waiting to welcome you at the other end 🥰

Why don't you contact BA or some company that does 'fear of flying' courses? It is so worth it if it is to visit your son and they welcome you.

I think you need to work on your anxiety about flying, as someone else mentioned perhaps your GP could help by prescribing something to take the edge off. Or try over the counter herbal remedies like Kalms.
Is a shame to miss out because of this.

My DD has been in Oz since 1999.

She married over there in 2001, and has 3 now grown up children.

We visited in September for the first time in nearly 8 years, we used to go annually when I was at work and the GC were small, but Covid kicked off a break to the routine, time moves on, they are all busy with work etc.

DD and I see each other on Messenger weekly, and that is our way of life now.

As we age, it would be nice if they lived over here, or even in Europe, but her DH is Australian, as she is now (citizenship) so that will never happen.

As BlueBelle says, it’s life.

Grammaretto my son went to NZ with his then girlfriend 29 years ago, they have two adult children born out there
I have only seen them about 8 times It is how it is I won’t go again I feel too old for that journey and even more for being away from my home and routine
We speak every week He has a good life, a very good job a fantastic house and their marriage is a good one, both grandchildren have careers and partners why should I not be happy for them
As I say many times about many things ‘It is was it is’ they are happy, they have another Nanny and Grandad very near by
It’s life

Our DGS was born in NZ 13 years ago.
He was brought here as a tiny baby (3 months?) we went out when he was 10months . Since then the family have been here several times and last year I went by myself now DH has died.
It's too far and too expensive to travel often but we speak on video at least every week.

I don't believe there are "bad grandparents" you just do what you can and get on with your lives.

Hi , my family with 2 young grandsons live father away . I go once a year as that is all the time I could get away from work but also because I have other obligations at home and friends I wish to visit with my precious little time off .
I stay about 4 weeks . Now I have become part time worker I have more time to do other things so I may go every 9 months but stay mayb only 2 to 3 weeks each time . The grandkids grow so fast while they little.
Don't feel guilty about not going more , it is expensive , stressful if you don't like traveling, and uses up alot of your free time so you need to sacrifice other important things . Just enjoy the time you get with them .

Shauna -it's really lovely to be invited so please grin and bear the flight over to the US .
Maybe you can get a sedative from the Doctor .
But I think that once you start going you'll get used to it !
Wishing you luck !

My GC live in the US. On average we’ve seen them at least annually (apart from Covid times) or sometimes three times in two years depending on whether they came for Christmas.

We’ve taken turns in who-goes-where but DS & DIL just got on with travelling with young children and not made a big deal of it. DIL began flying on her own with the children at a young age, too, so they got into a well-versed routine. I think many Americans are used to flying routinely on domestic routes so it’s not much of a stretch to go international.

I would think with a very young child a long flight would be difficult for them but as the children get older they may come more often.
A bit of a dilemma if you hate flying but if you want to see them you may have to grit your teeth and go.
Good luck. I hope you see them soon.