Grandson is a nightmare to look after

Can you have separate sleep overs so grandaughter gets her nice time with you and the little chap can have more individual time

What’s he interested in? can you find what he likes doing and join in with him be it Lego, computer games, Minecraft in the garden playing footie etc etc He probably feels you like his sister better and in a childlike way has pulled away from you to show his upset pnit being old enough to verbalise his upset

Find something he will look forward to coming round to do

It’s a stand off because he cannot verbalise yet that he feels inferior to his sister and that you don’t really like him.The only way he can show it is to be anti with you, which actually increases the stand off between you but you are the adult so you need to be the one to solve it
It’s blooming hard but will be worth it in the end

Couldn't you just have granddaughter for sleepovers. Did you ask her what she meant by mean?, It is pointless grandson coming if he is so against it as it must be dreadful for both of you,. My gs has issues but he would find it impossible to mask his feelings.

Both DS and DGS and myself have ADHD, none of us has ever masked, so I have no experienc of masking. I do not think it has ever occurred to us. In my case I couldn't mask because I couldn't pretend to be something I did not understand.

Have you considered having them visit separately so they can have their own "persobal time" with you when your focus isn't split and there are two of you available.

Do make sure that on the occasions that your GS does something good that you praise him and perhaps give him a little treat. Hopefully then he will gradually start to realise that life is more pleasant when he is good . Conversely though when you tell him that next time he plays up you will take him straight home, or whatever other punishment you deem appropriate, then you must carry it through. If you threaten and then don’t do it he will soon see it as what it is, an empty threat, and it will have no effect. It is important too that you and you work together with your daughter to be consistent and that he knows that if he plays up at Grandma’s he gets some sort of punishment such as a loss of privileges at home. Perhaps you and she could set up some sort of reward chart where he gains or loses privileges.

It is a common mistake, of course some children with ADHD will play up in school but the vast majority don't.
These children are often very difficult to manage once they leave the classroom.

Shelflife

Monica. Please understand that children with ADHD often behave in school - its known as masking. It is a huge strain for them ! When they get home they often ' explode' .
It is understandable for people to assume there is not a problem because they behave in school, sadly that is not always the case. I completely agree with everything else you have 'said' . A firm approach and consequences carried out is the answer for most children .

This is interesting, I always thought that children with ADHD played up at school, and I was once a teacher, did not think they could mask.
Is always good to learn something new.

Monica. Please understand that children with ADHD often behave in school - its known as masking. It is a huge strain for them ! When they get home they often ' explode' .
It is understandable for people to assume there is not a problem because they behave in school, sadly that is not always the case. I completely agree with everything else you have 'said' . A firm approach and consequences carried out is the answer for most children .

Sorry, I did not mean to quote you, though sensible comment!

Doodle

Boys and girls react differently. When you say you have rules is there something in particular he doesn’t like? Girls are often happy to sit and do craft or something. Boys like to bounce around, jump off things and do all sorts.
Does he like Lego? I spent ages playing Lego with our grandsons.
I know it’s understandable you feel differently about your tow grandchildren but if he senses you’re not so keen on him that may well contribute to his way of being with you. Interesting he gets on with his grandad.

ND children can be well behaved in school as they mask. When that pressure is off all that pent up adrenaline is released,

I agree with Jaxjacky, consistency. I dont agree with being more lax and easy going as a gran.

It's undermining the parents, most certainly when it is in the the O/P..

Since he behaves well in some situations - at school, for example, it is unlikely tobe ADHD.

Do his parents sometimes find it easier to give way to him than make him do as he is told? If so he has learnt that if he makes enough fuss he will get his way.

If you have really determined children like this, then what you must have is rules, as few as is practical, but quietly but firmly stick to them and not give way, no matter how much noise he makes.

I had a very detemined and, at times, difficult daughter. At 11 she was seen by a child psychologist, who told us that he usually saw girls like her at 14/15 when they had been expelled from school. However he said that I knew how to deal with her and that my policy of as few rules as possible, but being firm and not giving way, no matter what she did or said on those I had, was the right approach.

As an adult, DD has endorsed that, saying I rarely laid the law down, but if I did she always had an internal thought that perhaps I knew something she didn't and all though she would make a fuss, she would comply. She said she also knew that when I said no about anything and threatened any punishment if she disobeyed. I would do as I said, and the knowledge of the cetainity of punishment also meant she would make a fuss but comply.

Stick to your guns and be quietly insistent about your rules. It doesn't matter if for a period of time your grandson goes to others before he comes to you. For some reason, for a couple of years my DGS would do a side slip past my open arms to run to his grandfather, who was much preferred over me. After a year or so he grew out of it and was delighted to see me

Rules in our house are the same for our grandchildren as my daughter has in hers for them, our grandson has ADHD, but is not excused bad manners nor blatant disobedience by his Mum.
I think you need to talk to his parents Youngnanny as others have said and agree your response to this behaviour so it’s consistent at his home, as well as with you. Then stick to it, that includes your ‘softy’ husband, a united front.

I’m a softy, I only want them to have fun, basically the rules are be nice, say please and thank you!! I have older grandchildren and they’ve always be easy to look after! Anyway not sure when he’ll visit again but before the visit we’ll warn him if he’s very naughty we’ll take him back home, and we will do that! Obviously not the GD, I think it’s the only way he’s going to learn. He definitely knows what he’s doing, and it’s not fair on everyone 😟

Kids have enough rules when they are in their own homes. When they come to grandma’s house, they should be allowed a bit of leeway - a bit more iPad time, tv time, snacks etc.
BUT your grandson Youngnanny sounds a real nightmare, I’m sorry.
I had my 7 year old GS here this afternoon. He had a bit of a cry, because his Dad was running late to pick him up.
Righty or wrongly, I said , Nan’s sad because you’re sad and he gave me a big hug. His Dad arrived not long after 😂

He may have ADHD - but if not he has no excuse. I had a similar situation with my GD ( 8 ) rude , insolent full of attitude !! One afternoon she was here with my DD. Daughter was upstairs and I spoke to GD simply asking about the craft work she had on my kitchen table. As usual she refused to look at me or respond to anything I said. Enough was enough I demanded she look at me and I told her in no uncertain terms I did not like her attitude and if she didn't improve I would become really angry and she would not like that ! I also told her I would speak to Mum about what had just happened. I went immediately to my daughter and told her exactly what had happened. We have a really good relationship and her response was
" you have done right Mum , thanks for telling me, she is a little madam at times and needed telling" I hated doing it but was becoming worried about taking care of her. She knew exactly what she was doing and had been behaving towards me in this way for far too long. It had become a habit and was continuing because I was allowing it to happen! GD immediately changed and came to hug me ( her way of apologising) . Since then she has been absolutely fine with me .
Still has her moments as all children do but nothing like her previous behaviour.
It was really distressing me and she knew exactly what she was doing! She had the upper hand and was well aware of that. I was not prepared to put up with it any longer. Hope you don't shoot me down in flames !

Rules just basic ones…say please and thank you! My hubby just try’s his hardest with him, but he look so tired as he worked all day. We’ve had a discussion about this problem and there isn’t much we can do, as GS it not ours to discipline, we think his parents struggle with him, and tbh I think possibly they need help with him.

I would think by six you should be able to reason with him a bit. My GD when she was a toddler could be awful to have around, her screaming fits were a sight to behold. I believe she has been diagnosed with attention deficit, but I think her issue is more about controlling her reactions. She is 10 now, and still can be difficult, but knows to remove herself from a situation.

Please do tell the parents about his bad behaviour and hopefully they can talk to him about it. Also have a talk with him the next time you see him (if he is calm), and let him know he is a good boy, but sometimes upsets you and you won't accept it.

Does he have special needs, that maybe are going undiagnosed? ADHD for a start?
I think what I would do is take a back seat with him, talk and play with your DGD and leave Grandad to do the same with the boy. It may well be that he doesn’t have any rules at home and is confused why you do.

I think children need rules and boundaries. Sorry, I know it's old fashioned.
I would imagine the rules are perhaps about some basic turn taking, waiting,being kind and so on?

That’s unusual, my DC were angels for my parents and in laws . They played up for us. Is there anything happening at home ? Definitely talk to his parents . At 6 he should know what behaviour is appropriate, unless he’s neurodivergent.

Boys and girls react differently. When you say you have rules is there something in particular he doesn’t like? Girls are often happy to sit and do craft or something. Boys like to bounce around, jump off things and do all sorts.
Does he like Lego? I spent ages playing Lego with our grandsons.
I know it’s understandable you feel differently about your tow grandchildren but if he senses you’re not so keen on him that may well contribute to his way of being with you. Interesting he gets on with his grandad.

What are those rules?

Nothing out of the ordinary is relative

Our GD was like this from abt age 3 to 7 - but with both of us. Disobedient isn't the word - and she knew she was being so. I came to the stage where I didn't even want to pick her up from school. Her brother, in contrast, was a dream child.

She totally changed during/after the Covid period, being off school and basically home-educated (as were most kids). I don't know whether she just "grew out of it" or if mum's influence played a part, but she is now a lovely 12-year-old , very loving and a lot of fun. Her DB on the other hand is 13-14 and a typical moody teenager!

I certainly wouldn't have wanted her for a sleep-over. Her other GPs had a similar experience and almost never volunteered to have her, whilst they were fine with her DB, but now agree that she has changed completely.

I would stay in her life, but don't do anything you aren't ok with, and fingers crossed she will grow out of it.

Babs03

You need to discuss this with his parents. I had trouble with my GS up until he was 3, he really didn’t want to play with me or come near me, and would shout or scream when I went near him. Now he is 3 and a half and is a different boy, aways coming for cuddles and wanting to do stuff with me.
6 is a bit old for this which is why I said you should talk to the parents, is he like this with his parents or perhaps just one of them, or other members of the family?
I think you should ask your DH to be the rule maker giving you the chance to relax more and possibly then your GS will lean in to a more relaxed and fun side to your nature.
Tbh he will probably grow out of this as my GS did, but is horrible whilst it lasts.
All the best x

Thanks for this, yes hopefully he’ll grow out of it, my hubby is a big softy, I think he’s treading on eggshells with our GS. I think GD misses out, because obviously I’m not keen on the sleepovers, I’d have GD is stay over whenever she wanted too, she lives visiting us and going to the park, as we live in a rural area and they live in large town.