Feeling guilty when having been strict

Don’t feel guilty about disciplining the grandkids now and again. I do feel bad when I’m home and think I was maybe a bit harsh but they do listen to me. I think the modern parenting style is not teaching the kids anything . That is the more they protest the more the parents give in.Which unfortunately leads to a lack of respect for the parents.I notice this with my Sil who is,in my opinion way too soft.

My grandchildren live with me and get disciplined when needed the same as my boys did. They love me dearly. Children need boundaries.

Personally I'm full of admiration for you being able to look after three young children especially the terrible twos and threes! Not easy in the least! I think most of us would be exhausted. Your family are very lucky to have you doing this. I have shouted and lost my temper before with grandchildren under particularly difficult circumstances and very bad behaviour and like you have felt extremely guilty and quite unwell about it for days afterwards. I suppose we have to remember none of us are spring chickens anymore, sometimes have health complaints and genuinely do not have the energy so probably instead of feeling guilty we should be patting ourself on the back for the good we are doing instead of feeling guilty about what we feel we have done wrong! Hard to change our nature though!

Missiseff

I'm a better Grandmother than I was a Mother, sadly for my son & daughter.

Same here.

Thanks Oma, You must set your boundaries at the outset. You will get older and if you agree to too much at the start it’s almost impossible to cut back.

You can apologise. It is a life lesson for them that adults get it wrong sometimes.

Thank you for the reassuring posts, they really help. Mostly, my sessions are staggered, Sarnia, but these days I had them all three for full days. BTW, there is also a newborn, so for the future, I will have to set my boundaries, I guess… I want to be a grandma, not a daycare professional!
And Silverlining, I understand completely, how this could happen and also how it is still in your mind. But as other posters wrote, we are only human. Thanks for sharing !

I'm a better Grandmother than I was a Mother, sadly for my son & daughter.

It seems your anger stems from having 3 under 6's. Let's face it, that's hard going when you are younger and fitter. Do you have them all together or are your sessions staggered? It is clearly worrying you and I would feel the same in wondering if your outbursts are damaging them in some way, especially the relationship they have with you. I have had a lot of input with my 9 GC and when I have been trusted to be in charge, then my rules, I'm afraid. It won't hurt them to hear you say Sorry.

I understand why this on your mind Oma.
We were very very cross with our grandson age 7 when he was really playing up, hitting out at us and making his siblings nose bleed. He refused to say sorry. It was the first and only time we had ever smacked him.

In our defence we were in our 70 s, hadnt been well and had had a very long day. His defiance and rudeness was the last straw, but even after all this time it does plays on my mind.

I am a people pleaser too so understand, but try not to overthink, all will be well.

I simply give him a look and say something along the lines of “how silly, please don’t behave like that when Granny is here” He normally just shrugs and usually starts behaving.

I used to say something similar to my own children, eg "If you carry on like this you're going to make me cross. And you don't like it when I'm cross, remember" and give them a look 🤨
That stopped most unwelcome behaviours 😁

But then they had to have experienced me getting cross occasionally in the first place, in order to make that judgement, so it's not totally a bad thing!

The problem is when anger and shouting is the default. I've said before on here it was only when I had children of my own and mixed with other young mums, that I realised not all mummies were cross with their children all the time.
Mine was, and it took a lot of work and thinking on my part to change that mindset for my own family.

Try not to worry. I too used to feel terrible if I got cross with my grandchildren, especially one who was a terror and used to tell me he didn’t like me looking after him and he preferred Grandad! I used to get cross sometimes. He’s nearly 14 now and I know I’m one of his favourite people- he seems to think I’m really kind.
Children need discipline, and I’m not surprised you had to get cross to get your granddaughter to calm down. She will only remember how much you love her, not the rare cross days.

Fallingstar

You sound as if you are doing a great job, I imagine most children grow up realising that their parents and grandparents can get cross sometimes and raise their voices but as long as the love is always there and it is explained calmly to them why this happened I believe it won’t harm the close relationship you enjoy with your GCs.

👏👏👏👏

keepingquiet

My perspective is I probably wouldn't be able to care for three under fives without losing it either. You are doing a fantastic thing and deserve a huge pat on the back for your forebearance. Love isn't compromised by Granny going off the rails occasionally. My gran was always telling me off but I always loved her.
Make a joke of it, make them smile and they'll love you even more. Learning to diffuse the situation is a skill you can practice often!

Yes! My DGS does, always did, try it on!

I simply give him a look and say something along the lines of “how silly, please don’t behave like that when Granny is here” He normally just shrugs and usually starts behaving.

If you’re looking after your GC on a very regular basis, you need your rules and boundaries as well as Mum and Dad’s.

I think you’re SuperGran!

It sounds as though the three children are testing you out Omanna and hopefully, now that they know they can't push you too far, you'll find that you don't need to shout again!
My two youngest grandchildren are very trying sometimes, their mother is very understanding with them but even she has to have a good bellow at them now and again.

I tend to analyse situations like you too Omanna. Maybe it's because we want everything to always be great for our children/grandchildren but we all have our limits! I think if a situation is dealt with control and all is well after, a hug to reassure, I think we are actually giving our children a good example of how to deal with disagreements.

Oh and just like Canadian Gran says, they are not used to me being cross so probably that’s why I made such an impression with my threat of sending her to her room. Because she stopped the tantrum immediately, throwing herself into my and sobbing it out. But afterwards I realized I indeed had impact, that’s why it haunts me even more…

Thank you all. To give you all some context: normally I am very patient and of course I do not shout at the two year old. This incident was in fact quite harmless: the eldest wanted to watch tv, but screen time is very limited and I said no, we do this for 15 minutes at end of the day, not early morning. She threw a terrible tantrum and did not calm down despite my efforts of gentle parenting (my son and DIL’s parenting style - works very well I must say). But she would not stop making a horrible scene). So I shouted: if you do not stop now, I will send you to your room! She cried No, Oma! And threw herself into my arms, sobbing and calming down. We talked a little bit about the incident, I said something about us both being a bit angry but I did not make too big a deal of it. An hour later, out of the blue she suddenly said to me: Oma, I was just joking about watching tv, you know that, right? When I review the incident, I cannot blame myself too much to be honest, it was the third day in a row that I was alone with the three, playing, reading, caring fulltime, but still I am haunted by feelings of guilt: I should have stayed calm and not have raised my voice, my question here was in fact: why am I punishing myself for this, why am I afraid for losing the love of my grandchild when in fact I am only correcting her, perhaps I could have done better, sure. And I am ruminating about what has been going through her head, assuring me that she was only joking? After the incident, having consoled her on my lap, we all went back to our business, just playing and chatting as usual. So from a distance nothing serous happened, but it my head it will not go away. I have the same issue with showing anger or annoyance to my husband, my children or my friends.
Maybe this clarifies my question.

It's a lot to cope with three children under five, you would be a saint not to get a bit frazzled. I never hit mine of course but now and them voices were raised. Sure you are doing a great job.

You sound as if you are doing a great job, I imagine most children grow up realising that their parents and grandparents can get cross sometimes and raise their voices but as long as the love is always there and it is explained calmly to them why this happened I believe it won’t harm the close relationship you enjoy with your GCs.

I’ve never shown anger or upset to our grandchild.

Whether that would have been the case with three to look after ?!

That’s a really big ask. Very much hope that your help is much appreciated. X

Don't feel too bad Omanna; I've yelled at both my kids when they were small (and teenagers), and my grandchildren.

Since I am normally quite calm, I think it shocks them a bit if my voice is raised! After the drama is over, I will have a talk with them as to how the situation escalated, or why Granny shouted at them. When a three year old is having a fit of temper, it's sometimes hard to keep your cool!

Totally agree with all the others. Only a saint is totally composed at all times, and there are not many saints around.

I've never smacked (although came close once or twice) but remember packing the children into the car and bringing them home in the middle of lunch when one of them was having tantrums in a cafe. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth all the way home and one of my sons told me I was a bully. When they all calmed down we talked about them behaving well when out in the adult world and I made their favourite pud for tea. After that they monitored each other to make sure they didn't miss out on treats 😁

I've never forgotten how bad I felt taking them home, as if it was all my fault, and the children remember it well too 😁 But they now do the same to their children.

Sound advice V3ra. My Mum also gave me that advice when I got married - never go to sleep on an argument...

My daughter was (still is) a strong character and we had our clashes as she grew up.
One thing I never did though was let her go to sleep on a bad note.

Once she was in bed and we'd both calmed down, I'd go into her room and we'd have a hug and both apologise to each other, me for being angry with her and her for doing whatever had triggered it.

As a child I was regularly sent to bed in trouble and cried myself to sleep. I never wanted my children to do that.
So if you do get angry Omanna, don't be afraid to make your peace once you've all calmed down. But equally don't take all the blame yourself xx